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A New Attitude

Transcript of "A New Attitude"
Written by: Mitch Hurwitz & Jim Vallely


Season Four, Episode Eleven

Starring:
Jason Bateman as Michael Bluth
Portia de Rossi as Lindsay Bluth Fünke
Will Arnett as G.O.B.
Michael Cera as George Michael Bluth
Alia Shawkat as Maeby Fünke
Tony Hale as Buster Bluth
David Cross as Tobias Fünke
Jeffrey Tambor as George Bluth
Jessica Walter as Lucille Bluth
Ron Howard as Narrator

Guest Starring:
Ben Stiller as Tony Wonder
Mae Whitman as Ann Veal
Christine Taylor as Sally Sitwell
Isla Fisher as Rebel Alley
Karen Maruyama as China Garden
Martin Mull as Gene Parmesan
Alan Tudyk as Terry Veal
Peter Jason as Storage Dave
Liza Minnelli as Lucille Austero
Justin Grant Wade as Steve Holt
Jay Johnston as Officer Taylor
Daniel Amerman as Mark Cherry
Bruce McCulloch as Father Marsala
Telly Kousakis as Gay clerk
Adam Von Almen as Valet
Trevor Larcom as Gregory


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Transcript

The following is the transcript of the Season Four episode "A New Attitude". Memorable quotes are highlighted below.

"A New Attitude" was written by Mitch Hurwitz & Jim Vallely.

Act 1Edit

Limo driving along

Narrator: G.O.B. Bluth had just been told by his father to go to work for his younger brother.

G.O.B.: (on the phone) And then thanks for the birthday card that I never got from you for the last 40 years.

Narrator: In fact it was a brother with whom G.O.B...

G.O.B.: What the hell?

Narrator: ...was secretly competitive.

Michael: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I got the right of way.

G.O.B.: No.

Michael: Okay. Haha!

Narrator: And perhaps it was that sense of competition that led to this tinkling match.

Both stop outside the model home.

G.O.B.: I've met someone. Can't really give you any information. Kind of famous-y.

Michael: I also met someone.

G.O.B.: Have you?

Michael: Also famous-y. Can't give you any information.

G.O.B.: Is it Julie Bowen?

Michael: No, it's not. Is yours Julie Bowen?

G.O.B.:  No, is yours Julie...? Oh, my God, Michael, you're seeing Julie Bowen?

Michael: I am not seeing Julie Bowen, but if you are, you tell me right now.

G.O.B.: I want to hear you say the words, "I'm not seeing Julie Bowen."

Michael: I have not seen Julie Bowen.

G.O.B.: Well, that's a funny way to phrase it.

Narrator: This went on for some time...

Michael: So no one is seeing Julie Bowen.

G.O.B.: No one...

Narrator: ...but eventually they started talking business.

Michael: If it wasn't for the movie thing, I would do it myself. They practically sell themselves, you just got to bring the people in.

A shriek off-screen.

Michael: (seeing the hard lemonade) Lindsay.

Narrator: But soon the hard lemonade softened their competitive edge.

Michael: No, no, this... maybe Tobias?

Narrator: And Michael confessed that he had grown estranged from his son.

G.O.B.: Well, then, take him to the Ealing Club.

Michael: I don't know if I could pick up the phone and call him and ask him...

G.O.B.: I'll call him for you. You've given me a new sense of purpose.

Michael: I, I don't want you to get your hopes up. You know, when I said that, that these places sell themselves, I, I should have gone on to say, you know, that, that... No, they don't.

G.O.B.: No, I'm not talking about selling these mausoleums. I mean destroying Tony Wonder. I'm gonna destroy his career the same way that he destroyed mine.

Narrator: G.O.B. was referring to an escape act he'd performed that had failed when the hidden compartment that held the keys to his escape hadn't opened...

G.O.B.: It's not going to work.

Narrator: ...humiliating him in front of his bride... uh, her...

Ann: He's not coming back.

Narrator: ...and all of Christendom.

Michael: Destroying Tony Wonder is your sense of purpose? I thought you said, thanks to me.

G.O.B.: Because he's performing at a gay club tonight, and I need you to act as my boyfriend to help me get in.

Michael: I'm gonna say no, thank you. And don't you think it's a little inappropriate? I am your brother.

G.O.B.: You sound like my son.

Caption: earlier that day...

Narrator: Whom G.O.B. had spoken to earlier that day. Ann, her name's Ann, by the way.

Steve Holt: Hey, you remembered.

G.O.B.: (chuckles) How about you and I go to a magic show together?

Steve Holt: I love magic! Of course. I mean, my dad's a magician. Huh, well, you're my dad, I mean, s-so you should know.

G.O.B.: Right. Well, it'd be sort of a, a father-son thing. At a gay club. Well, technically gay night at a magic club. Hey, you know what'd be funny? If you pretended to be my boyfriend so I could lock this guy Tony Wonder in...

Steve Holt: You know, I, I don't know, I don't think this whole thing is sounding like a good idea. Besides, last time we tried to do something together, you didn't even show up.

G.O.B.:  You know what? You're mad at me. I get it, I totally get it. And guess what? I'm mad at you.

Steve Holt: You know, Dad, that attitude might be why you're alone all the time. The way you treat people...

G.O.B.: What about you? I didn't hear from you for your entire childhood, and then thanks for the birthday card that I never got from you for the last 40 years.

Narrator: This was extra hard for Steve to hear on his actual birthday.

Michael: And didn't you already try locking Tony Wonder in his trick?

G.O.B.: Oh, yeah, but that wasn't for revenge, that was just on spec.

Mort Meyers: (in flashback) Just like Tony Wonder!

G.O.B.: And it didn't work. Besides, that's before I knew that he had locked me in my trick.

Michael: You still don't know that he tried to lock you in your trick.

G.O.B.: Hey, I do know, I have proof. I went in that cave and I found this. (holds up cross pendant) We both know what that stands for.

Michael: Jesus.

G.O.B.: No, that would be a "J." This is a "T." Tony Wonder was there in the cave the night that I did my big illusion. So when I went yesterday to the cave and I saw that this had wedged my compartment door shut, I knew that I'd been wronged.

Michael: Okay. The only thing that we know is that you tried to lock Tony Wonder in his trick first. Right? So you're even.

G.O.B.: No, no. Because mine didn't work. He got the last laugh, which, in this case, happened to be the first laugh. I don't understand why you can't seem to follow me on any of this.

Michael: G.O.B., you've got a chance to build a brand-new life. Don't run away from it again. Don't try to escape it.

G.O.B.: I don't do that, Michael. Listen, if you insist on speaking to me like you're my wife, then don't be surprised to find my (BLEEP) in you and then you never hear from me again.

Michael: I'm offering you a good job. Selling good homes, making real good money, and I'm not asking for anything in return. (holds out contract and pen)

G.O.B.: What is this?

Michael: I'm asking for a little something in return. These are, this is for the movie. This is for your life rights in perpetuity, in the known universe and beyond.

G.O.B.: Blah, blah, blah, look at this.

Michael: What's that mean, you're not gonna sign it?

G.O.B.: No, I was just thinking that I should have my attorney Bob Loblaw look at this.

Michael: Oh, he doesn't need to...

G.O.B.: Yeah, no, I'm fine with it.

Michael: It's all pretty boilerplate stuff.

G.O.B.: I'm gonna be in a movie.

Michael: No, you're not.

G.O.B.: (chuckling) Okay.

Act 2Edit

Cut to: Attitudes menswear store

Narrator: G.O.B. was making good on a promise he had made to Michael...

George Michael: (on phone) Hi, Uncle G.O.B.

G.O.B.: I need to see you tonight.

Narrator:  ...to talk to his son.

G.O.B.: It's about your father and you.

George Michael: Really, is... is he upset?

G.O.B.: Do I seem like a clown to you?

George Michael: I got it.

G.O.B.: (to sales clerk) Do I seem like some kind of a clown to you?

George Michael: Look, I got it, I got it, Uncle G.O.B. Just tell me where.

G.O.B.: Meet me tonight at the Gothic Castle.

George Michael: I will. The Gothic Castle?

G.O.B.: No, the Gothic Asshole. Yes, the Gothic Castle!

George Michael: No, I didn't say the Gothic Asshole.

G.O.B.: Wh- what do you think, they call it the Gothic Asshole?

George Michael: No, I said the Gothic Castle.

G.O.B.:  It's the Gothic Castle.

George Michael: Gothic Castle. Okay.

Sales Clerk: I think you look amazing.

G.O.B.: I'll take it.

Sales Clerk: Great.

G.O.B.: No, no. The compliment, not the shirt.

Cut to: the Gothic Castle

Narrator: And so it was a very worried George Michael that arrived to speak to his uncle at the Gothic Castle, which, that night, did actually kind of resemble the Gothic Asshole.

George Michael: Uncle G.O.B.!

G.O.B.: Don't call me Unc... Actually, no, that's good, that works here.

George Michael: Is my dad upset? What's going on?

G.O.B.: No, he's fine.

George Michael: But you told me he... was really upset about something.

G.O.B.: I don't know. I do know that your daddy wants you to get your hot little, tight little hot ass right up there right away to see him.

Bouncer: You're good.

George Michael: What, you, you had me come all the way here just to tell me my dad wants me to meet him?

G.O.B.: No, no, no, those two things are unrelated. No, I'm, I'm here 'cause I'm trying to lock this guy Tony into this gay magic trick, and I just need a believable arm candy bean. And don't make that face, you look homophobic.

George Michael: No, I'm not being homophobic. No-

G.O.B.: Why are you doing this?

George Michael: I, I'm uncomfortable.

G.O.B.: This is very important for me.

George Michael: I'm uncomfortable.

G.O.B.: Don't worry, you're blending in here perfectly.

Photographer: A newbie!

G.O.B.: Except, even if he does post that somewhere, the Fakeblock thing'll scrub it away.

George Michael: You know about Fakeblock? You know, that's my software. I wonder if my dad thinks I'm blowing him off because that's starting to take off now.

G.O.B.: Well, you should go find out, 'cause I do know that your dad is really, really, really upset with you.

George Michael: He is upset? I asked you that. That was literally the first thing I asked you. You're giving me these craz...

G.O.B.: (licking George Michael’s hand) Mad?

George Michael: N-

G.O.B.: God, what is that inky taste?

George Michael: It's my stamp.

G.O.B.: Oh, I'm so sorry about that.

George Michael: No, that's okay. I probably won't come back in. I'm, I'm gonna go see my dad.

G.O.B.: Yeah, you are 'cause you're a good son. (kisses him then immediately breaks away) Ow! Bit my tongue, that little bitch.

Narrator: Oh, no, he didn't.

G.O.B.: They're always doing that.

Narrator: I mean, oh, no, he didn't.

G.O.B.: Thank you, George Michael; honestly I owe you big-time. Not a lot of nephews would do this for their uncles. (loudly) Now get out of here. I never want to sleep with you again. I mean, I probably will. (whispering) I don't. But are we good? We're good.

Narrator: After successfully looking like he'd had a fight with his boyfriend, G.O.B. put his plan into action. Knowing that Tony would go into the closet and pop out of somewhere else, G.O.B. proceeded to lock everything he could find.

G.O.B.: (locking dumbwaiter) Who's the dumb waiter now?

Narrator: And that's when he saw something that took him back to a moment when his life had reached its nadir.

Shadow of an ostrich statue on the ground.

Cut to: storage locker

G.O.B. is chewing a hole through the fake boulder to get out.

Distorted Male Voice: You know, if tomorrow you won't open up and let someone else in...

G.O.B. stares at a nodding bird toy that seems to be the source of the voice.

Distorted Male Voice: ...then the treasures you have inside may never come out.

G.O.B. shakes himself and leaves the backstage area.

Tony Wonder: (recording) A magician has many secrets... but there was one I was forced to keep... by society.

Narrator: And G.O.B. settled in to watch his revenge play out.

Tony Wonder: (recording) "Don't talk to us," they said. "Keep your hands to yourself," they also said.

Crowd boos as cop handcuffs Tony.

Tony Wonder: (recording) Magic is only for straight men.

Crowd cheers.

Tony Wonder: (recording) I don't want to look at you, son. Just go to work. Why can't you be like your brother?

Man: There! Stay in there! We don't want you out here!

Crowd oohs.

Tony Wonder: (recording) Well, I'm here, I'm queer, and now...

Tony bursts out of a beanbag chair in front of G.O.B.

Tony Wonder: I'm in a chair! Did somebody say Wonder?

Narrator: Nobody actually did that time, but I think he got away with it.

Tony Wonder: (to G.O.B.) Didn't expect to see you here. Want to get a drink later?

Narrator: And believe it or not, it was this trick...

Tony Wonder: (throwing glitter) Now everybody's gay!

Narrator: ...that really brought the crowd to their feet. Although it was pretty easy to figure out how he did it. They started out gay.

Tony Wonder: You missed your cue!

Cut to: bar

Narrator: G.O.B. was having a drink with a man he'd twice tried to sabotage.

G.O.B.: Beanbag chair. I was wondering what you were gonna pop out of.

Bartender turns around and is revealed to be the real Tony Wonder.

Tony Wonder: Did somebody say Wonder... ing? I always try to stay one step ahead of the audience. Vamanos!

Sets off a puff of smoke, but it clears before the other man has removed his Tony Wonder mask.

Tony Wonder: Oh, hey, come on, man. Timing, right? Hey, leave the mask.

G.O.B.: Yeah, of course, mask. Yeah, that makes sense. I use a mask myself, in my act. But you have to tell me how you do that beanbag trick.

Tony Wonder: Well, I guess, since you're a magician, too. But not a word of this. (whispering) I did use a mask. I put it on another guy, and then I was in the beanbag chair the whole time.

G.O.B.: Oh, well, that's... that's... (whispering) that's why they put that sign on the beanbag chair that says, "Do not steal this," 'cause you were...

Narrator: And the magicians shared the secrets of their ancient and mystical craft.

Tony Wonder: (whispering) And also it's very hard to get out of at the end, (normal voice) when I appear. So how have you been? I haven't seen you since your "wedding," when you did the Jesus gag. See, it's like a quotation mark, but with a "W."

G.O.B.: Oh, yeah, right, I got ya. That's... I should do that.

Tony Wonder: Hey, don't. Okay?

G.O.B.: Uh, I, I won't. Yeah, uh, no, the marriage was unsuccessful. I... guess you could say I was a runaway... groom.

Tony Wonder: Well, makes sense now, doesn't it?

G.O.B.: What do you mean?

Tony Wonder: Well, I mean, you are gay, right?

G.O.B.: Oh, yes, right, yeah. Very. Because of what I'm dressed- and my boyfriend was here earlier. And, and he bit my tongue.

Narrator: And that's when G.O.B. did a magic trick of his own.

G.O.B.: (biting his tongue) Want to see?

Tony Wonder: No, I believe you. I'm just surprised, though, because you are the Christian magician. Although you did look awfully shredded on that cross.

G.O.B.: You should have seen me when they took me out of the storage locker.

Tony Wonder: Hmm.

G.O.B.:  But how'd I get in the storage locker?

Tony Wonder: That's okay. I know it didn't work. Made the Woops column in Poof. It's cool, though, man; I've been there. Your assistant probably sabotaged you. I don't even use one anymore. I resorted to using my own legs in the "Saw the Lady in Half" gag. I even shaved them. Want to feel?

G.O.B.: Wow, they are smooth. Like a lady's. I think.

Tony Wonder: You're funny. Too bad we can't do this more. But, I don't know if it'd be great for my reputation to be seen with the fundamentalist Christian magician.

Narrator: And he was suspicious that G.O.B. might not actually be gay.

Valet: Valet is closing. The Cabriolet, license plate "ANUS TART."

G.O.B.: That's me.

Tony Wonder: Aw, what the hell? Let's do it.

Narrator: And that's when G.O.B. came up with a new revenge plan.

G.O.B.: Yeah, let's risk it. Right? Let's risk it!

Tony Wonder: Come on.

Act 3Edit

Model home

Narrator: The next day, G.O.B. shared his new plan with Tobias.

Tobias: She's just so much fun to be with.

G.O.B.: Good. Seems like you're done talking. I, too, am in a relationship, but mine is purely a revenge-based deal. I plan on making this person fall in love with me and then destroying them by breaking their heart.

Tobias: How do you make someone fall in love with you? Can you pass the mustard, please?

G.O.B.: Yeah. Oh, it's easy when you've got so much in common. (excited babbling) Last night, for instance, we both got a case of the munchies, and then we went out and we stole these pies...

Narrator: As it turns out, they did a lot more than steal pies. They had a raucous good time.

G.O.B.: And then, the candy bean dish right here, we made those at "Color Me Mine," and I know they're kind of cockeyed, but they remind us both of my crooked smile.

Tobias: Sounds like you're really into this girl.

G.O.B.: Don't call me girl, friend. No, this is purely an act of revenge, filled with white-hot hate. I'd tell you on who, but this person is sort of a celebrity.

Tobias: Oh! Well, turns out my femme fatale is a bit of a celebrity herself.

Narrator: And that's when G.O.B. found a solution to filling one of the houses.

G.O.B.: ...libraries or Internet or playgrounds within 20 miles of here.

Tobias: You know, it's funny, I've been looking for a place to live.

G.O.B.: That's great. When can you move in?

Tobias: Uh, duh. Now. Oh, the other sex offenders are gonna be so jealous.

G.O.B.: Wait a minute... You know of other people with similar needs?

Narrator: And that's when he filled the rest.

Tobias: Oh, I have a list of men that could fill every opening you have.

Tobias chokes on his parmesan and mustard, then G.O.B. laughs and chokes too.

G.O.B.: Let me get a shot of mustard. That was all cheese, but no mustard.

Narrator: Not wanting to appear desperate, G.O.B. waited till late afternoon to continue his plan to make Tony fall in love with him.

Caption: later that afternoon...

Tony Wonder: (on phone) It's Tony. I'm not here right now, because I'm right behind you. Made you look. But how did I know you looked? Because I'm right behind you! Made you look again.

G.O.B.: Tony, it's G.O.B. Man, does anybody ever fall... for that? Listen, uh, I was just, I was thinking about you - what a fun night we had the other night. So just call me when you get a chance. Okay? All right.

Phone rings.

G.O.B.: Well, that was fast, you hot little-

Lucille: It's your mother.

G.O.B.: Hi. Sorry, I, I thought you were somebody else. I can't tell you who, 'cause I'm, I'm dating... someone... famous.

Narrator: And that's when G.O.B. was given a new job.

Lucille: You better start to build this wall, pronto. I tried with your father, but he can't do it.

Narrator: And that's when G.O.B. was told to make it look like major construction had begun on the wall.

Lucille: You need to make it look like major construction has begun on the wall.

Narrator: So G.O.B. set out to find a crew.

G.O.B. drives up to a group of Mexicans in the limo.

G.O.B.: (through bullhorn) Who wants to... (feedback) Aah! Hurt my ears.

Caption: moments later...

G.O.B.: (using bullhorn through the sunroof) Who wants to help me build a wall...

Man: Me!

G.O.B.: ...to keep Mexicans out of America?

They start throwing things.

Man: (BLEEP)

G.O.B.: All right, all right! Who wants to help me build a wall for no reason? It's a different wall! (BLEEP) (BLEEP)

He retreats into the limo and gets more feedback from the bullhorn.

G.O.B.: Aah! This thing is loud!

Narrator: And so he decided to head to the border ribbon to put in some manual labor himself.

G.O.B.: ...show everyone that I'm not afraid of the sweet sting of sweat in my... eyes.

Digs and knocks over his own "HELP WANTED" sign.

Narrator: when he came across a local maca picker.

China Garden: Aw. You need help to make your sign stand up?

G.O.B.: Yes. No! I need to find some Mexicans to help build this wall.

China Garden: Hey, you know what? You should get the Chinese to build your wall. We make great walls.

G.O.B.: That would be great. How can we make that happen?

China Garden: I'm Chinese; I know all Chinese. I hook you up.

G.O.B.: Well, that's, that's... That'd be... (phone starts ringing) great.

G.O.B.: Would you get off my (BLEEP), Mother!

Tony Wonder: (on phone) Well, if I wasn't sure you were gay, I am now.

G.O.B.: It's Tony! Hey, Tony.

Tony Wonder: Sorry I couldn't talk last night, but, uh, I'd really love to get together later. This week, or maybe Saturday, say, 5:00?

G.O.B.: Great.

Tony Wonder: I'm thinking Little Ballroom. Little Ballroom good? Or you sick of Little Ballroom?

G.O.B.: I'll see you there.

Tony Wonder: Bye.

G.O.B.: That was Tony. My friend Tony.

China Garden: Oh, she sounds wonderful.

G.O.B.: No. No, I'm... gonna get revenge on him and, and destroy his life. Her life. Our... life. Destroy our life. (shrugging) Destroy our life! That doesn't matter. Who cares?

Narrator: But Tony Wonder had a secret, too.

Cut to: Tony's bedroom

Tony Wonder: We're on.

Sally Sitwell: And he definitely thinks you're gay, right?

Tony Wonder: Don't worry, the only thing I'm better at than (BLEEP) women is pretending I'm gay. Trust me, I am all man. Give me a little leg shave?

Sally Sitwell: All right, well, you have to be careful. If G.O.B. finds out you're straight, he'll use it to ruin you. And I'll lose the hundred grand I stole from Lucille Austero to re-brand you as the gay magician.

Narrator: It seemed Sally Sitwell had a secret also.

Tony Wonder: I know that. Why are you telling me all this?

Sally Sitwell: 'Cause if she finds out, we both go down. And I don't want to have to sell that closet as a sweat sauna on Craigslist.

Tony Wonder: Ow!

Sally Sitwell: Ooh. Sorry.

Tony Wonder: It's fine. And as long as we're recapping things that we already know, an inside source tells me he's my ticket to Internet billions.

Sally Sitwell: Inside source?

Tony Wonder: Oh, I didn't tell you that?

Sally Sitwell: No.

Tony Wonder: That's new? It's "in the bag."

Narrator: Tony made that sound a lot cooler than it was.

Cut to: beanbag chair at Gothic Castle

G.O.B.: That Fakeblock thing will scrub it away.

George Michael: You know about Fakeblock? You know, that's my software. I wonder if my dad thinks...

Narrator: It took a lot of restraint for Tony to not pop out when he heard the word "wonder," but he was carried into the audience before he could hear that G.O.B. wasn't actually gay.

Tony Wonder: Oh, hey, hey. Put a note on me. And in Spanish, too. I don't want some Spanish guy sitting on me.

Cut to: Tony's bedroom

Tony Wonder: Once I get him alone, I get into his phone, get his boyfriend's information. Hack into his software and make a fortune. Ow! How do you not know how to shave a leg?

Sally Sitwell: I've never done it before.

Tony Wonder: Anyway, he's halfway to falling in love with me already. I mean, he actually sounded excited about seeing me tonight. Poor guy doesn't realize I'm about to destroy our life.

Sally Sitwell: Our life?

Tony Wonder: I mean, destroy our life with G.O.B. Dest... I'm going to destroy our life... my life... with G.O.B. Destroy my life with G.O.B.

Music: Hello darkness, my old friend...

Tony Wonder: (shrugging) Destroy my life with G.O.B.

Sally Sitwell: Just be careful. Could be a house of cards.

She scratches her eyebrow and it falls off.

Tony Wonder: Aah! Ooh! Ah!

Sally Sitwell: Oh!

Tony Wonder: Caterpillar!

Sally Sitwell: Yep! There it went. That's exactly what that was. Wow!

Tony Wonder: Weird.

Sally Sitwell: Very weird.

Tony Wonder: Caterpillar... and that... weird... fuzzy moth in the drain...

Narrator: It seemed Sally had two secrets.

Narrator: And days later, G.O.B. was feeling pretty good.  China Garden had come through with a crew to build the wall, and with the help of a well-placed ad, he'd successfully filled all the homes in Sudden Valley. And he was on his way to a hot date with Tony Wonder.

G.O.B.: (to phone) Siri, where is the Little Ballroom?

Siri: I have three matches.

G.O.B.: I'm going to need the gayest.

Siri: Did you say "the grayest"?

G.O.B.: (laughs) I need the, uh, gayest one.

Siri: Did you say "the grayest"?

G.O.B.: I need the gayest Little Ballroom!

Siri: Okay, "Gob." Try this one.

G.O.B.: I've got to tell Michael that I saw another map car. He's gonna be blown away. You don't see them a lot.

Cut to: inside map car

Michael: Well...

Gene Parmesan: I'm fine...

Michael: Looks like he's turning into a parking lot. My Little Ballroom. Of course, yeah. She's got a kid, he's acting like he's Father of the Year or something. I bet he's pretending Steve Holt is, like, nine. I just saw him, he looks 50.

Narrator: But of course G.O.B. was at the wrong Little Ballroom.

G.O.B.: I do not get this lifestyle.

Michael: G.O.B.?

G.O.B.: You're mistaken.

Michael: Hi, there.

G.O.B.: Michael.

Michael: Yeah.

G.O.B.: Well, look who's here. You.

Michael: Where is she?

G.O.B.: First of all, that's very dated of you, Michael. "He's" don't like to be called "she's" and I don't who this he-man is that you're referring to.

Michael: No, no, no. It's a "she." My girlfriend. That's who I'm talking about. Rebel. Rebel Alley. Where is she?

G.O.B.: Never met him.

Michael: It's a she. Nice try. Now what are you doing here? You gonna meet her here with her son, maybe, so her son can play in the ball pit?

G.O.B.: That's disgusting, Michael. This is no place for a child.

Michael: I know what you do. Mom told me you were bragging about seeing somebody in showbiz. Then I see a frozen dove in a freezer.

G.O.B.: That could be anything.

Michael: It said "Love each other" on the foot band.

G.O.B.: Yeah, that does sound like one of mine. Whose freezer was it in?

Michael: Rebel. Rebel Alley's. Nice try, G.O.B. If I want to see bad acting, I'll go see Tobias in A Jew Comes to Dinner.

Narrator: But G.O.B. wasn't acting. He'd just forgotten that he had met a still-partying Rebel Alley.

Rebel Alley: It's a little dove. He's so cute.

Narrator: And Rebel returned home to an unfortunate surprise.

Squawk as Rebel smacks her purse down on the counter.

Narrator: She felt bad, so quickly put it in a bag, wrote down the species and location from which she'd acquired it, and then one further caution. It was a merry mix-up. But neither of them knew any of this.

G.O.B.: I honestly have no idea what you're talking about, Michael.

Michael: Yes, you do. I got you dead to rights. Dead to rights!

G.O.B.: If ever we were gonna have a fight, Michael, this would be the safest place to do it.

Michael: Right! Let's do it!

G.O.B.: This gay bar would be the best place to-

Shoves Michael through the wall.

Cut to: Thin Wally's Knife Store

Caption: moments earlier...

Gene Parmesan: I want something that can fillet a chicken and subdue an intruder.

Clerk: Okay, I-

G.O.B.: Let's do it!

He and Michael burst through the wall and then see where they are.

G.O.B.: Back to My Little Ballroom?

Michael: Yeah, this is the middle of their workday. Hey! Hey! Come back here! You son of a bitch, G.O.B.!

Music: How much can you do...

G.O.B.: You'll never catch me, Michael!

Music: You lift and push and struggle... All those balls in the air!

G.O.B.: You have to find me, Michael!

Music: How hard can it be?

Michael: G.O.B.?

Music: So hard you're getting dizzy. Flip those balls in the air. But keep those balls in the air. Balls in the air!

G.O.B.: Are we done?

Michael: I'm just surprisingly tired.

G.O.B.: So tired... and so not hurt. Look, I'm not the guy, Michael. I thought you'd be proud of me. I did what you said. I filled all your... your houses.

Michael: Hang on. Filled 'em?

G.O.B.: Every last one of them.

Michael: With who?

G.O.B.: Well, with sex offenders.

Michael: Hey! Hey! G.O.B., you're out of the movie!

Boy: Thanks for ruining my birthday party. (hits Michael in the eye)

Act 4Edit

Narrator: After fighting with G.O.B., Michael paid a return visit to his mother.

Lucille: (into phone) Hold on. What happened to your eye?

Michael: Oh...

Lucille: Is that from G.O.B.? Was I right about him?

Michael: No, actually. Want to hear a funny story? You're out of the movie.

Lucille: (into phone) Hold on, George. (to Michael) I beg your pardon?

Michael: Did you say George? Is that Dad? 'Cause he's the one who told me to hire G.O.B. I actually owe him a call. Hey, Dad, how you doing? Y-Yes, he did. With sex offenders. You want to hear something funny? You're out of the movie! Want to hold for Mom? Yeah. (to Lucille) Bye.

Cut to: Tony's house

Narrator: And later that night, G.O.B. went to win back the trust of the man he was still hoping to con.

G.O.B.: Hey, look...

Narrator: Although he quickly lost sight of that plan.

G.O.B.: You're mad at me.

Tony Wonder: You stood me up.

G.O.B.: Oh, no- Siri sent me to the wrong Ballroom, and then I got in this fight with my brother that didn't hurt, it was just a whole...

Tony Wonder: Oh, is that it? Or is it because your boyfriend is 20 and I'm nearly twice that?

G.O.B.: You think that I care that you're... three years older than me? No! I don't... Check my phone. Check my phone.

Tony Wonder: I don't need to check your phone. Come on in.

Narrator: But getting G.O.B.'s boyfriend's contact information out of that phone was the reason for Tony's charade.

G.O.B.: He hates me. The whole family hates me.

Tony Wonder: Damn it!

Narrator: Which he remembered too late.

G.O.B.: Yeah, damn it! I mean, I even... helped fill his stupid homes with... sex offenders, and yet he still hates me.

Tony Wonder: Sex offenders need a place to live, too.

G.O.B.: Yes! Exactly! That's what I always... what I'm saying. It's, like, God... you get me.

Tony Wonder: Well, you're an easy guy to get.

G.O.B.: I can't go home. He's probably waiting for me. He's gonna be my boss? He's the younger brother.

Tony Wonder: How old is he?

G.O.B.: 42.

Tony Wonder: Same! My, my younger brother's 42, also.

G.O.B.: Same! But...

Tony Wonder: I mean 32.

G.O.B.: Thir... two.

Tony Wonder: 32.

G.O.B.: 32! Same! Same!

Tony Wonder: Same?

G.O.B.: I was gonna say it- I was thinking the same.

Tony Wonder: That's so... weird!

G.O.B.: That mine's 32, 2, yeah.

Tony Wonder: You thought 32 and then you said 32.

G.O.B.: And it was the- 32.

Tony Wonder: That's so insane.

G.O.B.: Same. Same.

Tony Wonder: Crazy! Do you want, you want a glass of wine?

G.O.B.: I love wine.

Tony Wonder: Red wine?

G.O.B.: I love red wine!

Tony Wonder: Same!

G.O.B.: Same!

Tony Wonder: It's, like, two same.

G.O.B.: That's in-same.

Tony Wonder: Totally in-same.

Narrator: It turns out the guys had tons in common.

Tony Wonder: That's so weird.

G.O.B.:  ...weird.

Tony Wonder: Like...

G.O.B.: Like...

Both: ...the last... time I went...sss...scuba diving? While... eating... Cap'n Crunch. Same.

Narrator: The hours melted away.

Tony Wonder: I guess I must have been...

Narrator: And perhaps pretending to be gay...

Tony Wonder: ...I don't know, 17...

Narrator: ...allowed them the freedom to speak honestly.

Tony Wonder: ...when I started saying "same."

G.O.B.: Same! Same.

Tony Wonder: That's about the same time I got into magic. You know, I think I got into misdirection 'cause I just... Maybe I was trying to hide my feelings or something.

G.O.B.: I was... just doing it to get out of Gym.

Tony Wonder: Who's Jim?

G.O.B.: No, I... Phys Ed. Jealous!

Tony Wonder: Oh! kidding! Kid-ding. (throws popcorn)

They throw popcorn back and forth, giggling.

Tony Wonder: Ooh!

G.O.B.: Oh.

Tony Wonder: Don't- stop...

G.O.B.: Oh!

Tony Wonder: Popcorn fight!

Tony chokes on a piece of popcorn and G.O.B. does the Heimlich maneuver.

Tony Wonder: (hoarse) It almost went down my throat.

They realize they're in an awkward position.

G.O.B.: I'll get us some water.

Tony Wonder: Yeah.

G.O.B.: Yeah, just...

Narrator: And Tony had another opportunity to get at G.O.B.'s phone. ...And chose not to take it.

G.O.B. finds a Tony Wonder mask in the kitchen.

Narrator: G.O.B. also saw an opportunity to, in some small way, sabotage Tony's act. And he also chose not to. Although he did put the mask down his pants.

G.O.B.: Ah.

They down their water in silence.

Both: Ah!

More silence.

Tony Wonder: We were really thirsty.

G.O.B.: Well, I guess I should... get go-

Tony Wonder: Yeah, I'd say stay, but I just... I feel... I just feel like we should take it slow, you know.

G.O.B.: Oh, same. I, I would... definitely stay and have gay sex with- or normal sex with you, but...

Tony Wonder: Yeah, I would totally have gay sex or whatever, but... Just drank a lot of water.

G.O.B.: I, I just... I just had a lot of water, too.

Tony Wonder: Yeah, I don't want to rush things.

G.O.B.: Same.

Tony Wonder: Same. You know, maybe we make a date to do it another time, and, and tonight we just... we instead of sex-

G.O.B.: We can just sit and talk.

Narrator: G.O.B. had never said anything like that before.

Tony Wonder: That would be amazing.

Narrator: And then he said something else he'd never said before.

G.O.B.: I have... feelings for you.

Tony Wonder: I have feelings... for you.

Narrator: The feeling was friendship, but neither had ever experienced it. All they had to do now was avoid making any specific-

Tony Wonder: Why don't we have normal sex on Cinco?

G.O.B.: Let's have normal sex on Cinco!

Narrator: I guess they figured they could get out of it later. I'm not sure why they said that.

G.O.B.: We could do it at my place!

Tony Wonder: Let's commit...

Both: ...to normal sex on Cinco! Same!

Act 5Edit

Narrator: It was the Newport Beach celebration of Cinco de Cuatro, and after taking care of some business, G.O.B. ran into an almost ex-wife.

Ann: (to child) No, honey, on Cinco, we break the stick and not the piñata. Okay, look. (snaps stick) Whoo! Huh?

G.O.B.: Well... How long has it been?

Ann: It's been five years.

G.O.B.: What are you doing here?

Ann: I'm taking my five-year-old to see Fantastic Four.

G.O.B.: I'm pretty sure that's an adul- Wait, you have a five-year-old?

Ann: Oui.

G.O.B.: What...? We what?

Ann: No, oui. It's French for "yes." As in, "Yes, I have a son, and his father's a magician."

The Sound of Silence starts playing, but G.O.B. sees it's coming from a passing band.

G.O.B.: Oh. It's not us.

Ann: Don't worry. It's not you. It was a real magician. He took advantage of how angry I was when you wouldn't come out of that cave. He promised me a life together, and after he had his way with me, he never wanted to see me again. I don't think there's anything wonderful about Tony Wonder.

G.O.B.: Are you kidding me? Are you saying...?

Ann: Yes.

G.O.B.: Tony's straight?

Narrator: G.O.B. felt betrayed by a person he was starting to trust, and he decided to do something about it.

G.O.B.: How would you like to spend the night making revenge love?

Ann: Uh, uh, Jacqueline, could you, uh...?

Narrator: With a plan to get revenge on Tony Wonder taking shape, G.O.B. met with Ann at the model home.

Ann: I'm ready, G.O.B.

G.O.B.: Yeah, okay, well, don't get ready yet. Uh, Tony's not going to be here for a bit.

Ann: Tony?

G.O.B.: You're having sex with Tony Wonder tonight.

Ann: Well, I, I thought we were having sex.

G.O.B.: Oh! Uh, no, thank you. Listen, here's the plan. This house is wired with hidden cameras from Entrap a Local Predator. There, there, there and there. (points everywhere but at the camera) We're going to destroy Tony's career by proving that he's straight when he has sex with you while you're wearing... this G.O.B. mask. Oh, and this little black mini-robe. Just to really sell that you're a... man.

Ann: Why would I wear a G.O.B. mask?

G.O.B.: Because Tony's coming here expecting to have sex with me. Look, in the act of having fake gay sex, you're going to take off the mask to reveal that you're having real straight sex, destroying his career, and it's all going to be captured on that camera right there!

Ann: I don't want to have sex with Tony.

G.O.B.: Aren't you just a little cur...?

Ann: I have a child with him!

G.O.B.: Okay, yes, new plan. I'm going to wear this Tony Wonder mask, you're going to wear the G.O.B. mask, and... I am going to have sex with you. I'm sorry about all that. And then, again, you're going to rip off the G.O.B. mask, and the world will think that he's straight, and it'll ruin his career. That's great. Much simpler plan, thank you. But the main event is us having this... pretend gay but actually straight sex. And you know what it is? It's a straight bait. I just realized, it's a straight bait. You ever watch those?

Ann leaves the bedroom.

G.O.B.: Good, and let me have the room, yeah. I need a little while to get... same. To be the same.

Narrator: Downstairs, however, Tony had arrived early...

Tony Wonder: Hello? Hello?

Narrator: ...and was looking for a place to pop out of in case G.O.B. said "Wonder."

Tony Wonder: That piece of sh...

Ann: Tony?

Tony Wonder: Hey... you.

Ann: It's Ann. Awfully funny time to run into you.

Tony Wonder: Yes, it is an... awfully funny time to see you, too... You. I know I owe you child support. Don't worry, I got something big in the works. Actually, that's why I came here. What are you doing here?

Ann: G.O.B. invited me. He's planning on getting revenge on you.

G.O.B.: He would never do that.

Ann: Then why did he want to have sex with me with this on?

G.O.B.: Wait a minute. Sex with you? G.O.B. is straight?

Ann: Oh, yeah. He is. Tony?

Tony Wonder: I just, I... Why would he do that? I thought he was gay.

Ann: Tony, you're not gay, either.

Tony Wonder: That's business. Why do you think David Geffen pretends to be gay? You think the Shubert Organization would entrust a project like Dreamgirls to a straight producer?

Ann: How do you know so much about Dreamgirls?

Tony Wonder: 'Cause it's my business to know about Dreamgirls. And if you wanted to be in a film version of a musical called The Magic Show, done in 1974 by another secretly straight guy named Doug Henning, you'd make it your business, too. I mean, they can't give everything to Doogie Howser, right? Biggest fake gay there is... by the way. But if I fund it, then they can't say no to me. But it's big money, I mean, 20, 30, 40 mil. Fakeblock money. I can't believe I'm telling you all this. I... I've been overexplaining the (BLEEP) out of everything lately. You can't tell a soul.

Ann: No one I know will care. Look, do you want to out G.O.B. as gay so it'll ruin his career as the Christian magician?

Tony Wonder: Yes, of course.

Ann: Are you still your own legs? And do you have toenail polish on you right now?

Tony Wonder: Are you asking, am I wearing any, or do I have any extra? Because the answer to both questions is yes.

Ann: Then we're covered. You and I will have sex. and you wear this G.O.B. mask, and I'll wear a Tony Wonder mask.

Tony Wonder: Okay, I have two questions. One, Are you going to move this time? And two, why can't I just be me and you wear the G.O.B. mask?

Ann: I just thought that if you had to have sex with a man, wouldn't it be more of a turn-on to have sex with someone that looks like you? Okay. Put these on, and then meet me in the bedroom in five minutes for some serious secular intercourse.

Tony Wonder: With myself.

Ann: Yeah.

She sneaks out of the front door.

G.O.B. and Tony both separately regard their masks.

Both: Same. Same.

Narrator: And two men who never loved anyone but themselves...

Tony Wonder: Same. Same.

G.O.B.: Become... the same.

Narrator: ...prepared to ruin each other's reputation.

Both: (putting on masks) Same. Same.

G.O.B.: I should dim the lights.

Narrator: And that's how Ann not only performed a real-life version of Tony's most beloved illusion...

Tony Wonder: (in flashback) Now everybody's gay!

Narrator: ...but was responsible for the first reported instance of a Christian straight-to-gay conversion.

Act 6Edit

Narrator: Previously on Arrested Development. G.O.B. went downstairs to take a Forget-Me-Now...

G.O.B.: Is that you, Maria?

Narrator: ...when he bumped into a brother who also had a secret.

G.O.B.: We did make quite a mess in that bedroom- Michael.

Michael: G.O.B.?

Narrator: And relished the opportunity to rub it in.

Michael: Besides, you could not make me feel worse right now.

G.O.B.: I'd be willing to let you have your apology back if you give me the chance to try. Bad example. If you were ashamed of being in love with a man, suddenly discovered these new feelings, something that you only allowed to happen because you thought he was gay and you were hoping to exact revenge, but then you found out he was straight, then you wanted to get even, so maybe you put a mask on someone and then tried to convince yourself that the sex you were about to have was with yourself, but it turned out to be him, and all you ended up doing was proving that your feelings were real... then I might say something like, "Homo much?"

Michael: It's not that.

G.O.B.: I said, "Bad example."

Caption: moments later...

G.O.B.: (offering Forget-Me-Now) Hey, listen, Michael, if you want, we can split this.

Michael: No. Believe me, this is the last time I ever judge you for anything that you ever do.

Michael spots Tony on the stairs.

Tony Wonder: Oh, (BLEEP).

Michael: Is that who you were with?

Narrator: And G.O.B. decided to be generous with his last Forget-Me-Now...

Michael: I knew it, I always knew it.

G.O.B.: Take this, Michael.

Michael: No!

Narrator: And for the first time, it was Michael who forgot his shame, and G.O.B. who remembered.

G.O.B.: It’s so easy to forget. Stupid, forgetful Michael.

Act 7Edit

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development. Michael wakes up and is reminded of something horrible.

Music: And As It Is Such, So Also As Such Is It Unto You.

Father Marsala: (on TV) 700,000. Think about it. That is a very big number. 700,000 abortions every year. Worldwide.

Narrator: The amount of money he owed because Tobias wanted to mount this abortion.

Fantastic Four Cast: (singing) Fantastic Three, Fantastic-

Narrator: And he does something that he never thought he'd do...

Michael makes a call.

Lucille 2: (voicemail) Vote for Lucille!

Michael: Hey, Lucille 2! I was hoping... that we could get together and... talk about how I can repay you that loan.

Narrator: ...and had already done. And then, with nothing left to lose, he makes another call.

Michael: Rebel. Yeah, Michael. I need to come over. I'm, I don't want to act like it doesn't matter to me anymore, 'cause it does.

Rebel Alley: (on phone) Well, there's somebody here right now.

Michael: I don't care. The thing with the other guy, it's... you know, that's over, so we don't... we don't ever have to talk about that ever again. It's going away.

Rebel Alley: Okay, well, you can come over later, okay?

Michael: Goodbye.

Rebel Alley: I'll see you soon.

George Michael: Who was that?

Rebel Alley: No one.

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