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4x05 A New Start (75)

Transcript of "A New Start"
Written by: Dean Lorey & Jim Vallely


Season Four, Episode Five

Starring:
Jason Bateman as Michael Bluth
Portia de Rossi as Lindsay Bluth Fünke
Will Arnett as G.O.B.
Michael Cera as George Michael Bluth
Alia Shawkat as Maeby Fünke
Tony Hale as Buster Bluth
David Cross as Tobias Fünke
Jeffrey Tambor as George Bluth
Jessica Walter as Lucille Bluth
Ron Howard as Narrator

Guest Starring:
Scott Vance as Fantastic Four henchman
Henry Winkler as Barry Zuckerkorn
John Beard as Himself
Ed Helms as James Carr
Maria Bamford as DeBrie Bardeaux
Chris Diamantopoulos as Marky Bark (no dialog)
Liza Minnelli as Lucille Austero
Jay Johnston as Officer Taylor
Jerry Minor as Officer David Carter
Ian Roberts as Dr. Fishman
Jessica Chaffin as Junkie
Parvesh Cheena as Kabir
Kyle Bornheimer as Shannon Ryan
Regi Davis as Officer Threé
Steve Zissis as Chuck the Canadian
Sharmila Devar as Indian medical student #1
Hasan Minhaj as Indian medical student #2
Mitch Poulos as Priest
Joel Hodgson as Joel Robinson
Trace Beaulieu as Crow T. Robot
Chad Hall as 'Gay' Straightbait actor
Beck Bennet as 'Straight' Straightbait actor
Nelson Franklin as Dr. Tilive
Aimee McKay as Tourist
Dave Anthony as Tourist dad #1
Quinn Friedman as Tourist kid #1
Greg Levine as Feinberg #1
John Phillps as Feinberg #2
Bengamin Burdick as Undercover cop
Thomas Robinson as Undercover cop kid
J.K. Baker as Billy Crystal Meth
Jamila Webb as Nurse Janice
Josh Trank as Process server bum
Adam Mondscein as CIA agent bum


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Transcript

The following is the transcript of the Season Four episode "A New Start". Memorable quotes are highlighted below.

"A New Start" was written by Dean Lorey & Jim Vallely.

Act 1Edit

Model home at night

Officer #1: Keep your eyes open.

John Beard: All right, guys. What we got?

Ryan: It's quiet out there.

Officer #2: Stand by.

John Beard: Yeah, we, uh, we better be ready. (beckons make-up artist) Yeah. I'm a man. Don't make it look like make-up.

Officer #1: Car.

Officer #2: Car.

John Beard: Is that guy one of ours?

Officer Threé: Look at the license plate.

John Beard: Looks like we've got ourselves an anus tart.

Narrator: Tobias Fünke was on his way to reconnect with a daughter he'd lost touch with.

Tobias: Hey, there. It's Big Daddy. I thought I'd try to call you before I surprised you. Things are... really looking up, and uh, hello? Dammit. What Sudden Valley does to these cell phones!

Narrator: Unbeknownst to Tobias, however, the Sudden Valley home he was on his way to visit...

Man on Radio: Anus Tart is turning on Trixie Lane.

Narrator: ...had been rented out to a television crew.

Ryan: Creeping up George Michael.

John Beard: All right, guys, let's entrap a local predator. Come on, lowlife. We've got to put this piece of (BLEEP)... Who, what, when, where, why and how? Who, what, where, when, why, how? Who, what, when, where, why and how?

Man: Anus Tart is approaching the portico.

Narrator: Yes, Tobias was finally about to get a starring role on a hit TV show.

Tobias: (singing) It's just a fallacy... Is there a little girl here all by herself?

John Beard: (voiceover) And now the story of the awful people who are about to lose everything and the one newsman who had no choice but to entrap them all together. It's John Beard's "To Entrap a Local Predator - Supercreeps".

Act 2Edit

Harbor master's office

Narrator: Five years before Tobias was to appear on John Beard's TV show, his acting career was as washed up...

Tobias: None taken.

Narrator: ...as his family...

Tobias: You are soaked to the bone.

Narrator: ...and those men he was touching for some reason. And his wife challenged him to reexamine the other parts of his life as well.

Lindsay: There's nothing keeping us together. It's time to give up our dreams if they're not working. You know, your acting career, this marriage that everyone thinks is a sham because you're gay.

Tobias: Wh- I'm sorry? Everyone thinks... I'm gay?

Lindsay: Well, I mean, it's kind of a running joke in the family. I mean, you, you know that, right? 'Cause of the misleading way you talk sometimes.

Tobias: You're saying the way I talk makes me sound gay? When in the last year have I said anything remotely-

Caption: 11 seconds earlier...

Tobias: (singing) It's just a fallacy!

Tobias: -misleading? Is this because I want to be an actor and all the leading men in Hollywood are gay?

Lindsay: I don't think that all the leading men in Hollywood are gay.

Tobias: Oh, honey.

Lindsay: Look, we're chasing things that aren't real. And maybe we need to go out there and find out what we're meant to do.

Narrator: His wife was giving him the cold shoulder. And after kissing it goodbye, he sat with her family, feeling lost.

Tobias: Well, you look like I feel.

Narrator: And very misunderstood.

G.O.B.: Gay?

Tobias: No, I- No.

Cut to: model home

Narrator: Tobias knew it was time to find out what he was truly meant to do. So when he came across a book the universe had placed in his path, he was open to its inspirations.

Tobias: They're still reading it, but... Well, I guess I can leave them some Love.

Narrator: So, he just took Eat and Pray. Eat was easy, although it provided no cosmic answers for him. But it was the part about India that really got to him. And so, like the heroine of "Eat, Pray..."

Tobias: Wait a minute.

Narrator: ...Tobias decided to get as far away from his wife as possible.

Tobias/Narrator: And so Tobias found himself booking passage to India.

Tobias: Hey...

Narrator: And soon he discovered his wife was also preparing to go somewhere...

Tobias: I think you have my suitcase.

Narrator: ...far away.

Lindsay: I'm so sorry, Tobias. Look, I've already packed. Can I just use this one?

Tobias: Oh, what the heck. I guess having matching luggage isn't so romantic anymore. And these romantic gestures are possibly why people think I'm a homosexual. Well, it's time to correct old misconceptions. And that is why I'm making a new start.

Lindsay: A new start. Filled with compassion and love. I like that.

Tobias: Well, I've already got the license plate, so go cry in your pie!

Narrator: And so Tobias, hoping to straighten out his image, set out on a new start.

License Plate: ANUSTART

Narrator: Beginning with a trip to the airport in an outfit he pretty much put together himself.

Tobias's sarong blows in his face.

Tobias: I guess this is why you never see them driving convertibles.

Narrator: I'll have to check on that one. But it certainly wasn't embraced...

Lindsay: Stay in your lane, anus tart!

Indian Taxi Driver: (BLEEP) anus tart!

Narrator: By the local Indian community.

Indian Taxi Driver: You get a true sense of the oneness of all.

Cut to: airplane

Narrator: And his quest hit a bump early on, as he struggled to learn the customs and gestures of the culture he hoped to adopt.

Tobias: Thank you.

Tobias spills coffee on his sarong.

Tobias: Oh, god damn it! Am I the only one who still dresses to fly?

Cut to: airplane toilet

Caption: moments later...

Tobias: Well, there you go. India clean. Now, how did I...? No. No.

Narrator: Unfortunately, recreating the look of the traditional Indian garb...

Woman: Are you finished-? Oh.

Narrator: ...turned out to be more difficult...

Tobias: I look like one of those hot guys from Spartacus.

Narrator: ...without the aid of Pradeep, the helpful Indian salesman...

Tobias: I feel like there was less up top.

Narrator: ...at Bed, Bath & Beyond...

Tobias: Now I can't even see. This is-

Narrator: ...who helped him learn how to tie it.

Tobias: Got it, okay. (chokes)

Tobias: Yes. I actually like this better.

Another coffee-stained guy knocks on the toilet door.

Tobias: Yes? Oh.

Chuck: Canadian?

Tobias: No, I'm American.

Chuck: Yeah. I'm Canadian.

Tobias squeezes past.

Tobias: Sorry.

Narrator: But because it was a long flight, he figured he'd wait a beat on finding his true calling and watch something to take his mind off Lindsay.

Tobias: How could they not have "Failure to Launch"?

Narrator: Who he knew was far away at the time.

Lindsay shoves her seat back, spilling Tobias's coffee.

Tobias: Oh, God damn it.

Cut to: airport

Narrator: And after taking the wrong bag at the airport...

Woman on Intercom: All unattended goods will be confiscated.

Narrator: Tobias finally arrived...

Tobias: And so Tobias Fünke embarked on a... Oh, dear Lord, it's hot! Ah, ah, ah.

Narrator: ...in India, yes, where he was very uncomfortable. Not only because the wind whipped up his queen-sized fitted mini-sarong...

Tobias: Oh!

Tobias is hit by a bus.

Narrator: ...but because he looked the wrong direction when stepping into the street. And so Tobias experienced India from the inside of a hospital room, where the staff was being trained...

Literal Doctor: This man here broke his skull in two places.

Narrator: ...by the same doctor he'd had in America.

Literal Doctor: Once outside the airport, and once in the elevator when his sheet got caught and he was pulled off his gurney.

Narrator: Literally.

Medical students laugh.

Indian medical student #1: Two places indeed.

Indian medical student #2: This is very funny. It's like that new show we just got, Laugh-In.

Indian medical student #1: It's even funnier-

Tobias: My name is... Oh! (falls off bed) Now I've broken my skull in a third place, on this elephant guy statue.

Narrator: Tobias had wanted the universe to provide him a sign.

Indian medical student #1: You should be a comedy actor!

Narrator: And finally it had.

Tobias: This is the sign I've been- (vomits)

Narrator: Looking for. And after two more weeks in the hospital, it was time for his flight home. And that's when he got another sign. A call from Lindsay.

Lindsay shoves her seat back into Tobias.

Narrator: Although he wouldn't be able to reach the phone for hours...

Lindsay: I'm ready to make this work.

Narrator: ...due to his already weakened spine.

Act 3Edit

Balboa towers

Narrator: Tobias and Lindsay shared the news of their new start at a family gathering.

Lindsay: ...and by process of elimination, is Tobias.

Tobias: I got the part. You know, it's funny, for I too find that I am on a journey. Although, as we discovered when our MasterCard bill came back, it was the same one she took. But mine has confirmed that I should redouble my efforts to achieve the unachievable dream of being an actor.

Buster: Mm.

Tobias: A journey that has left me eager to connect with my true love. Particularly if she finds her way clear to covering a 2000-rupee City of Hopelessness hospital debt.

Lucille: The trick is going to be getting anyone to believe that her husband is straight enough to have a true love that's a woman.

Tobias: What are you implying?

Michael: Oh, I don't think there was any implying going on at all. Didn't hear any implying.

Lucille: I wasn't implying.

Tobias: I'm sorry, Mother. It's just I've got a bit of a stick up my bunghole about what I've now found is a running joke about me. But let's be honest. For 2000 rupees we'd both go down on Matthew McConaughey. Yes, Michael?

Narrator: At the time of the family meeting, 2000 rupees was $36.

Michael: I wouldn't.

George, Sr.: Of course you wouldn't, Michael. You never accept help from anyone.

Narrator: And hoping to do things differently this time, Lindsay immediately started spending money she didn't have.

Cut to: realtor office

James Carr: Are you ready to make a move?

Tobias: As you can see, I'm ready for a lot that's new.

James Carr: (on seeing license plate) Oh! Good heavens.

Narrator: While Tobias pursued the life of a professional actor.

Tobias: I'll catch up with you later. Listen, I'm an actor, you're an agent. You do the math. I want you to represent me. In other words, you do the math. The money, the negotiating.

James Carr: You know I'm not that kind of agent, right? I'm a real estate agent. I'm a predator. I sell giant houses to very poor people who can't afford them with predatory loans.

Tobias: No, see, that's the money stuff I don't understand. All you need to do is tell people what a terrific actor I am, 'cause I can't do it believably. What do you say?

James Carr: Sounds like it shouldn't be too much work.

Tobias: Ah. Huzzah! Okay. Here's the number of my current agent, Mike Matthews. He's at Allstate. Fire him.

Cut to: new home

Narrator: Tobias started seeing positive career signs everywhere...

Tobias tips the movers

Tobias: For decorating my quarters.

Narrator: ...he chose to put them. And at his new agent's suggestion...

Tobias: Hi. I'm after pending.

Narrator: ...he even snuck onto a studio lot to hand out headshots to extras and other show business insiders.

Tobias: And my pager number is right there. [indistinct under narration] -available, Taft-Hartley pending.

Narrator: Things were looking up for the Fünkes. They even celebrated their first home-cooked Thanksgiving.

Lindsay: We have a lot to be thankful for.

Tobias: Including duck l'orange! Oh! Oh, no!

Live duck escapes, quacking.

Maeby: Oh, my God!

Tobias: Lindsay! Lindsay, get the scooper!

Maeby: Aah!

Tobias: Throw oranges at it- hot orange! Hot orange!

Quacking.

Tobias: It's throwing its voice.

Lindsay: Oh, it's still alive!

Narrator: And so they went to the Fountain Valley China Garden instead.

Woman: Okay, yeah, we cook the duck for you.

Narrator: And if the collapse of the housing market, his lack of auditions...

Tobias: Tobias Fünke.

John Beard: (on TV) And might I say to them, good luck getting that (BLEEP) raccoon smell out of the gatehouse, because I never could.

Narrator: ...or even the writers' strike couldn't deter Tobias from his dream...

Tobias: Tobias Fünke.

Cut to: James Carr's funeral

Narrator: ...the suicide of his ruined and despondent agent certainly could.

Priest: I believe he died as a warning, in a way. His message, perhaps, to live within our means and be realistic about our lives.

Narrator: And yet it didn't.

Tobias: Well, then, I shall redouble my efforts so that he died in vain.

Gasps.

Tobias: Uh... Meaning he will have led a pointless life, is what I mean. Yes, carry on. Thank you.

Narrator: And he soon found himself bringing his wife to an acting class in an effort to jump-start his career and marriage.

Tobias: This is where I belong.

Woman on stage: We're gonna take some real risks, be truthful - if everyone's good, you'll get your juice.

Lindsay: What did you say the name of this acting class was again?

Woman on stage: Just be as truthful as possible.

Tobias: Method One Clinic.

Lindsay: Okay, I’m gonna go get coffee.

Tobias: Garden Grove Method One Clinic

Narrator: And Tobias found himself captivated by one of the monologues.

DeBrie: And I made it in that movie, uh, the Fantastic Four, uh, but it wasn't fantastic for me. Uh, I got carried away. And I'm like, "This (BLEEP) is (BLEEP) up, and I've got to get my (BLEEP) together or I'm gonna be (BLEEP) too." Anyways, now I'm sober, and I'm trying. It's super hard.

Applause.

DeBrie: Thank you. Thank you.

Narrator: It was a devastating and personal story.

Tobias: Okay, notes. Um, first of all, it seemed you were slurring a bit there, and I just think you'd have so much more fun punching those, those words - get it out there! "This (BLEEP) is (BLEEP) up, sir!" I'm sorry. I'm not familiar with the piece, so...

DeBrie: No, no, that's it.

Tobias: But, I am familiar with your work in the Fantastic Four, however.

DeBrie: You've seen that?

Tobias: Of course I have.

DeBrie: I didn't, nobody- what?

Narrator: Twenty years earlier, DeBrie Bardeaux had played Sue Storm in the low-budget version of the Fantastic Four produced by Imagine Entertainment when, during Imagine's Christmas party, a drunk lawyer reminded them they'd lose the rights if they didn't make the film in the next six days. After a two hour search, they found their entire cast.

Photo of waitstaff.

Narrator: They also proved useful six days later at the wrap party.

DeBrie: I almost never get recognized as the Invisible Girl. I can't believe you saw me.

Tobias: Well, I thought it was "fantastic."

Narrator: Actually, most of the performance that had so captivated Tobias...

Cut to: MST3K of the Fantastic Four movie

Crow T. Robot: Hey, maybe she came into this Light Bulbs Unlimited.

Actor: She was here a minute ago.

Tom Servo: Quick, grab that urine sample and let's get out of here.

Narrator: ...was performed by a fishing line.

Crow T. Robot: This is the gayest Starbucks ever!

Joel Robinson: Did his fishing line break too?

DeBrie: Well, my acting career is over.

Tobias: Oh, don't say that. You've got to say, "Keep the dream alive!" That's what helps me.

DeBrie: Well, this is what's helping me.

Tobias: Oh!

DeBrie: It's really good. (drinks)

Tobias: Carl Weathers used to give us grape juice. But then he'd add $5 to our credit card. Well, here is to our acting addiction.

DeBrie: Yep.

Tobias: May we never be cured! (drinks)

DeBrie: Are you crying? Oh, I'm crying. Oh, it's a nosebleed! (Tobias pinches her nose) Oh, thank you so much.

Narrator: Tobias had found a friend.

DeBrie: You're neat!

Tobias: You're neat.

DeBrie: You're neat.

Tobias: You're neat.

Act 4Edit

C.W. Swappigan's

Narrator: And, after a not very cute meet-cute, Tobias continued to find DeBrie's behavior delightful, even when the methadone made her think she was a piece of toast.

Tobias: There. Now I can see a pretty face under all that butter substitute. And I recognize you from somewhere, but it's not the Fantastic Four, it's from somewhere else.

DeBrie: I've done some things I'm not proud of.

Tobias: Episodics? Been there.

Narrator: It wasn't episodic. She had been in a series of soft-core porn movies about women leading straight men into gay sex called StraightBait.

DeBrie: This is my brother. He's gay. If you want to have sex with me, then you've got to have sex with him first.

"Gay" actor: And if you don't want to have sex with her, you must be gay.

"Straight" actor: I'll show you how not gay I am.

Narrator: She did six of these movies, and after lunch, did three more.

DeBrie: It's nice to be recognized, though. Marky Bark - sometimes he doesn't know when I'm in the same room. And sometimes it feels like it's not the face-blindness, you know?

Tobias: It's the same with me and Lindsay. I know she's trying, but she doesn't believe in my acting career. Maybe she's right. I've yet to make more money as an actor than I ever did as a doctor. And that's with CountryWide behind me.

DeBrie: You're... Wait, you're a doctor? You can write scripts?

Tobias: Well, I like to think so.

DeBrie: You should never give up a dream if you can write scripts. You seem like you'd be a good doctor-actor.

Narrator: It was the first positive reinforcement Tobias had had since India.

DeBrie: You remind me of Billy Crystal- (Tobias kisses her) Mmf.

Narrator: It would have broken Tobias's heart if he'd known she was about to say "Billy Crystal Meth", a funny drug dealer.

Tobias: Uh, I'm fine. Got a bit carried away when you compared me to Billy Crystal.

DeBrie: (laughing) You remind me of Billy Crys-

Narrator: Once again, she was going to say "Billy Crystal Meth".

Tobias: I'm sorry, but, DeBrie, I've never met anyone who understands me like you do. Or at all.

DeBrie: Maybe with someone like you I could have a new start.

Tobias: Whoa, whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. Did you see my license plate, A-N-U-S-T-A-R-T?

DeBrie: Whoa, whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa - did you see my StraightBait movie? Of the same name?

Indian singer "Coincidence?"

DeBrie: We should be together. We should run away.

Tobias: Wait, what, wait? I- Oh my gosh, well, this is happening so fast. Well, what do I do about Lindsay? I mean, can I just improv my way out of a marriage? Yes, and... let's do this!

DeBrie: Blackout.

Narrator: Unaware that a similar off-menu swap had just occurred at Swappigan's, Tobias broke the news that he was leaving Lindsay in a phone call.

Tobias: You are going to be very happy for me, for I have... met someone. It's not important who it is- it's Sue Storm! I'm so sorry, but DeBrie believes in me, and she stopped my heart, too.

Narrator: If you're wondering what "too" referred to, it was this.

Caption: moments earlier...

Tobias: Let's do this!

DeBrie: Blackout.

Tobias: And: scene, as they say.

DeBrie collapses.

Cut to: hospital

Tobias: Her heart's stopped! She-she-she's dying! Please, someone! She had too much butter! She's a very famous actress.

Dr. Tilive: Someone say "butter" out here? Oh, my God, that's a butter face. How much butter did the patient have?

Tobias: I don't know. A Star Trek chess set's worth?

Dr. Tilive: Damn it, that Swappigan's puts more people in this hospital... Make way, people! We got a 61-year-old male in full cardiac arrest coming through. You have to wait outside, sir.

Tobias: Be careful of her face! She's an actress! Aaah! An actress! Ohhh...

Narrator: It's worth noting that Tobias had heard this hospital in Orange County was a favorite of show business big shots seeking plastic surgery.

Tobias: We're both actors!

Narrator: On the day of Lucille's trial, Tobias was in a hospital with a woman he'd both fallen for and had rushed into an ICU.

Tobias: See? Make-up makes everyone feel a little better.

DeBrie: You didn't leave me! Everybody leaves me. I've been left in dumpsters, and... on a curb, and...

Tobias: Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.

Dr. Tilive: Excuse me. Could you, uh, leave us alone...

Tobias: Yeah, absolutely, yes.

DeBrie: Oh, no, I'd, I'd like him to, to stay.

Dr. Tilive: Really?

DeBrie: Yeah.

Dr. Tilive: Okay. I'm afraid that you have tested positive for chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhea, hepatitis, pancreatitis, trichomonitis, non-gonococcal urethritis... All the itises, really. And there's also a host of osises. Now, what this means in non-medical terms is that you have landed a real party girl.

Tobias: Well, will she be okay?

Dr. Tilive: Well, we can treat all of these things, but if she's really going to be okay, she's gonna have to tackle this drug problem.

Tobias: You didn't tell me you had a drug problem.

DeBrie: We met at a methadone clinic.

Tobias: Are you high? We met at an acting class. The Method One...

Dr. Tilive: Yes. I'm gonna let you guys hash this out.

DeBrie: I guess I shouldn't have lied about being clean when I took that methadone, but I'll do better this time - or are you gonna leave me now that you know that I'm a... druggie?

Tobias: DeBrie, look. Some people struggle with addiction. Other people are... incapable of ever being nude. Everybody has something. And, it's my professional opinion that your drug use is a direct result of your abandoning your dream of acting. You are a gifted actress. When I first saw StraightBait, there were two men making love, but I couldn't take my eyes off of you.

DeBrie: You watched StraightBait?

Tobias: Oh, just two, four and nine. You were with a guy who didn't care about you. But stick with me, and I'll make you famous, by cashing in on your most celebrated role.

Cut to: Hollywood Boulevard

Tobias: Come one, come all! Get your photo taken with Sue Storm from the Fantastic Four!

Woman: Hey, is that Jessica Alba?

Tobias: No, this is the original Sue Storm, DeBrie Bardeaux!

Woman: Who?

Tobias: The original Sue Storm, DeBrie Bardeaux- No, no, no! No free pictures, kids! No, no, scram! Get out of here! Go! Go, get out of here.

DeBrie: I don't think this is working. Maybe I need to get a regular job. I do have a law degree.

Tobias: I know, I know, and I'm a doctor. But no, let's not settle. Look, it's the Fantastic Four. No one recognizes one alone. I've got an idea.

Cut to:

Tobias: $10 gets you a picture with real Hollywood characters! What do you say, $10? That's certainly cheap. Oh, hello, young man, and his... Uncle? Neighbor?

Tourist Dad: Father.

Tobias: Oh! That's terrific. Well, how would you like to have your picture taken with real Hollywood movie land characters?

Tourist Kid: Are you the Smurfs?

Tourist Dad: No, no, no. They're the Ambiguously Gay Duo.

Tobias: Oh. I assure you, there's nothing ambiguous about me. I'm Johnny Storm, the Human Flamer, and this is Sue Storm! My sister and fellow fighter-in-law. Now watch as I get... No, I have special effects! Look, children love fire. Oh.

DeBrie: This isn't working either.

Tobias: You're right. Two people in blue doesn't say Fantastic Four. You know what, though? I think I may have just the thing. Just "the Thing". Cut to...

Tobias: Now that I'm the iconic rock man the Thing, no one will misunderstand. I'm sure the Blues Brothers here will know who we are.

Feinberg #1: Excuse me, are you Sue Storm and the Thing?

Tobias: Oh. Who's smart now? Indeed we are.

Narrator: In fact, they were orthodox members of the law firm...

Feinberg #2: We're from the firm...

Narrator/Feinberg #2: ...Feinberg, Feinberg, Feinberg & Feinberg.

Feinberg #2: We represent Stan Lee and Marvel Enterprises. This is a cease and desist, ordering you to stop impersonating any of our trademark characters.

DeBrie: Oh, let me take a look at that. I have a law degree.

Tobias: No, DeBrie, I've got this. Mr. Feinberg? Er... would it change your mind if I offered you a free Sue Storm armband? (offers SS armband)

Narrator: It did not change his mind. And, although the hate crime charges were dismissed, they were told they could not continue to pose as the Fantastic Four.

DeBrie: Can they really make us leave Hollywood Boulevard?

Tobias: Well, apparently in this instance, paper beats rock.

DeBrie: You have rock?

Tobias: No, I- I am your rock now.

DeBrie: Oh. So what are we going to do now that we don't have the rights?

Tobias: Well, we'll just... go off-brand. We'll just change the names and do a cheap generic knockoff. Kids don't care.

Narrator: Tobias took them down to a street near Harbor Boulevard, where his friend Gary Goose told him they didn't police very much.

Tobias: Ability to Be Invisible Person. Hello, young man, what brings you to at least 500 feet past the entrance of Disneyland?

Undercover cop kid: Dad, can I get my picture taken with the Thing and Invisible Girl? They're the Fantastic Four.

Tobias: Whoa, whoa, actually, technically, I'm Rock Monster, and this is Ability to Be Invisible Person.

Undercover cop: Hey, you guys want the $10 or not?

DeBrie: Yeah.

Tobias: Er...

DeBrie: Yeah.

Tobias: Yes, okay. We're the Thing and the Invisible Girl.

Undercover cop kid: You're under arrest.

Tobias: What?

Undercover cop: Boom. Turn around. Let's go.

Tobias: I didn't-

Undercover cop: Let's go. Get up there. Come on.

Tobias: Oh, come on, now.

Undercover cop: No, no, no. We're not gonna kill him, we're just gonna handcuff him.

DeBrie: You can't shoot us 'cause it's not a felony.

Undercover cop: Keep your eyes on her. I'll be right back.

Undercover cop kid: Okay.

DeBrie: If it happens again, you know, it will be a third strike. Three strikes law is up for review in the appellate courts, but we really shouldn't be charging.

Tobias: I know of a street in Garden Grove where they don't police very much.

DeBrie: Okay.

Narrator: Things were looking down.

Narrator: And over the following weeks, their financial situation grew dire enough for this to happen.

DeBrie: (undressing) We're broke.

Tobias: But- you can't sell your Fantastic Four costume. I mean, that would be like a fisherman selling his... fishing costume.

DeBrie: No, I was gonna have sex with him. For money.

Tobias: What? No. Put that back on. You don't have to degrade yourself this way.

Man: Hey. I'm not a thing.

Tobias: Hey. I am a Thing.

Narrator: And so, with no other options, Tobias returned to his in-laws' penthouse, desperate enough to ransack the place - when it appeared someone had beaten him to it.

Tobias: Michael. No, George Michael.

Lucille 2: Somebody, help!

Narrator: And that's when he heard what sounded like two ostriches making love to a pop hit. But was actually this.

Caption: moments earlier...

Lucille 2: (singing) Why don't you go away, go away, get away, get away, stay away... You're hopelessly hopeleeeeeess- aaaaah!

Ostrich attacks.

Lucille 2: Good bird. Ohh! Stop it, chicken. Somebody, help!

Tobias: Lucille 2!

Cut to: hospital

Tobias: Help! Help! Kevin, give me a hand! Get Dr. Bhowmik or Alicia. Either one. This woman's been attacked by an ostrich.

Nurse Janice: Oh, Tobias got a new girlfriend.

Act 5Edit

Narrator: Tobias had acted like an actual superhero and saved Lucille 2.

Lucille 2: There's my hero. You know, the doctor said if that bird had gotten through my second layer of make-up, it could've done permanent damage to my skin? And I want to repay you. You're a doctor, and you're out of work.

Tobias: Well...

Lucille 2: How would you like to come work for me, at Austerity?

Tobias: The rehab center? That's yours?

Lucille 2: Well, my brother Argyle runs it day-to-day, but we are so understaffed. You'd be such a gift. It would only pay 120 grand a year to start.

Narrator: Tobias, whose girlfriend had nearly sold her body for money in front of him, knew that everyone at some time had to face reality.

Tobias: Ummmm...

Narrator: But this wasn't the time.

Tobias: ...mmm- No.

Cut to:

DeBrie: You turned it down?

Tobias: Mm-hmm.

DeBrie: I almost (BLEEP) a guy for a hamburger, and you turned down 120,000 a year?

Tobias: To keep our dream alive, yes, I did. I thought you'd be proud of me. After all, a doctor in India told me that I have the gift to make people laugh. Why are you crying?

DeBrie: You're worse than Marky. He couldn't see me, but you can't hear me.

Narrator: The setback sent an emotionally fragile DeBrie back to her old ways. And before long, she was picked up by a limo for a night of being passed around amongst Hollywood creeps. For three weeks, Tobias waited, hoping DeBrie would return. Perhaps it was the morning he awoke to find two bums using him as a pillow that he realized she wasn't coming back.

Process server bum: Who are you supposed to be?

Tobias: Oh, I'm the Thing from Fantastic Four.

Process server bum: You've been served (BLEEP).

Tobias: Oh, (BLEEP) me. Are you undercover as well?

CIA agent bum: I'm CIA. Not here for you, though. Scoping out Imagine Entertainment.

Narrator: So, with nowhere to go...

Cut to: car

Tobias: Thought I'd try you again, hoping to catch you before I surprised you.

Narrator: ...and no one to help him out of his rock suit...

Tobias: Honey, you read comic books, yes?

Narrator: He went to see if his daughter would give him a place to stay.

Tobias: Anyway, things are really looking up.

Cut to: Tobias approaching the house

Tobias: (singing) Is that a gal I see? No! It's just a fallacy...

Ryan: Now the fun begins, right, Officer Threé?

Officer Threé: I'll say.

John Beard: ...and why and how? Who, what, where, when, why and how?

Tobias: Is there a little girl here all by herself?

Narrator: And perhaps it was this that would finally get him to admit that he sometimes did speak in a misleading way.

Tobias: Daddy needs to get his rocks off.

Act 6Edit

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development.

Local Predator Narrator: On the next To Entrap a Local Predator.

John Beard: (high-pitched voice) I'll be down in a minute. Have some lemonade.

Local Predator Narrator: Predator gets its first rock-solid case.

John Beard: Pretty good lemonade, huh?

Tobias: It is. Is there alcohol in here-? John Beard!

John Beard: Please have a seat.

Tobias: Okay.

John Beard: Why are you here?

Tobias: I'm here to see my little girl. I wanted to show her Daddy's Thing. What are you doing here?

John Beard: I'm doing a, uh, a local interest piece.

Tobias: Hmm.

Ryan: Okay, get in there, boys.

Tobias: Oh, really local.

John Beard: That's right, yeah.

Tobias: Is this about my daughter?

John Beard: Oh, so it's your daughter you're here to see?

Tobias: Yes. Maeby.

Ryan: If he's got a daughter, then how old is she?

John Beard: Let me ask you this. How old is she?

Tobias: Uh... Why do you put me on the spot? Um... I want to say 19? But, I like to think of her as 15.

John Beard: Well, you're free to go. She's not here.

Local Predator Narrator: But this creep won't take "go" for an answer.

Tobias: Oh. Um... Oh, that's all right. I'll stay. I'll wait.

Local Predator Narrator: And this creep makes himself right at home.

John Beard: Give me just a minute.

Ryan: He's not leaving.

Officer Threé: He's not leaving.

John Beard: He's not leaving.

Ryan: Tell him there's a raccoon in the back yard.

John Beard: Hey, guess what? There's a raccoon out on the patio.

Tobias: Ha - (BLEEP)! There isn't. Where is that little guy?

Cops jump Tobias.

Local Predator Narrator: And this guy turns out to be a real comedian.

Tobias: I just broke my skull in a fourth place. The patio! Oh!


External LinksEdit

  • ANUSTART fan page based on the anustart running joke

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