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Transcript of Colony Collapse

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Transcript of "Colony Collapse"
Written by: Mitch Hurwitz & Jim Vallely


Season Four, Episode Seven

Starring:
Jason Bateman as Michael Bluth
Portia de Rossi as Lindsay Bluth Fünke
Will Arnett as G.O.B.
Michael Cera as George Michael Bluth
Alia Shawkat as Maeby Fünke
Tony Hale as Buster Bluth
David Cross as Tobias Fünke
Jeffrey Tambor as George Bluth
Jessica Walter as Lucille Bluth
Ron Howard as Narrator

Guest Starring:
Daniel Amerman as Mark Cherry
Peter Jason as Storage Dave
Bruce McCulloch as Father Marsala
Henry Winkler as Barry Zuckerkorn
Mae Whitman as Ann Veal
John Beard as Himself
Andy Richter as Himself
Jeff Garlin as Mort Meyers
Isla Fisher as Rebel Alley
Ben Stiller as Tony Wonder
Alan Tudyk as Terry Veal
Ione Skye as Mrs. Veal
Maria Bamford as Debrie Bardeaux
Mac Brandt as Jackson
Justin Grant Wade as Steve Holt
Pedro Lopez as Mercado salesman
J.J. Wall as Uncle Paul
Clint Howard as Johnny Bark
Debra Mooney as Joan Bark
Ben Schwartz as John Beard Jr.
Asif Ali as Trout
George Watsky as Chris Kazmierczak
Wyatt Russell as Oakwood
Mather Zickel as Studio executive
Patrick Robert Smith as Truck driver
Michelle Gillette as Bingo announcer
Debra Leigh as Betty the church official
Marc Evan Jackson as Storage auctioneer
Allison Jones as Lorna Hawker
Peter Giles as Stuart the bartender
Molly Erdman as Lupus sufferer
Trevor Einhorn as Josh Abramson
Lauren Weedman as Twink


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Transcript

The following is the transcript of the Season Four episode "Colony Collapse". Memorable quotes are highlighted below.

"Colony Collapse" was written by Mitch Hurwitz & Jim Vallely.

Act 1Edit

Limo arrives outside a club

Narrator: Hollywood Boulevard at night is the playground of the hip, young and successful. It was into this world that G.O.B. Bluth had finally arrived, surrounded for the first time in his life by a group of admirers that comprised LA's latest young elite. There was Mark, a pop star who had a level of fame he could neither appreciate nor handle.

Caption: mark cherry

Narrator: Trout, a Southern boy who had a Northern man's taste in women.

Caption: chris traub "trout"

Narrator: J.B.J., a weekend weatherman, all-week party boy and a huge disappointment to his father.

Caption: john beard jr. "j.b.j."

Narrator: Chris K, who was a lot like Trout, but without the accent.

Caption: chris kazmierczak "chris k"

Narrator: Oakwood, a studio teacher, who might have had his own entourage if his part hadn't been cut from the pilot of Modern Family.

Caption: jonathan tyler taylor "oakwood"

Narrator: And, of course, there was the man they called Getaway.

Caption: george oscar bluth II "getaway"

Narrator: G.O.B. had come far in the year since his girlfriend was less than an hour from turning 18.

Cut to: G.O.B.'s yacht

G.O.B.: While we run the clock down on this thing, why don't you just go change into something a little less... unflattering, and, uh...

Narrator: And he was getting everyone in the mood for romance.

G.O.B.: Guess I'll take my clothes off.

Narrator: While Ann less-unflattered herself up...

Caption: moments later...

Narrator: G.O.B. had an unexpected visitor, Ann's ex-boyfriend George Michael...

George Michael: Her?

Narrator: ...who, as it turned out, hadn't completely let go of the relationship.

George Michael punches G.O.B. and Ann screams.

G.O.B.: You're lucky that I'm chasing after our girlfriend, or I'd have to flatten you! (runs into Ann) Way to plant, Ann.

Ann: You told me George Michael knew about us.

G.O.B.: Well, he does now, my darling plant.

Ann: Ann.

G.O.B.: And... after I dazzle everyone tonight on the Queen Mary, my magic career will take off as surely as there's a mouse behind your ear.

Ann screams and knocks the mouse into the bay.

G.O.B.: Well, as surely as there's a mouse behind your-

Ann screams and knocks the mouse into the bay.

G.O.B.: Mouse beh-

Ann screams and knocks the mouse into the bay.

G.O.B.: Okay, you're like the only person I know who doesn't just love magic.

Narrator: A poll would confirm she was far from alone.

Cut to: airport lounge

John Beard: (on TV) And it's not even close. For the fifth year in a row, your least favorite entertainers are... magicians. A close second, talk show sidekicks.

Andy Richter: Hmm! (BLEEP) you, too, America.

John Beard: You can add your last newsman to that list, 'cause I quit.

Ann: Well, you have to make things right with George Michael. Otherwise you don't get to fourth base.

Narrator: Of course, Ann's concept of fourth base was very different than G.O.B.'s.

Ann: But you have to promise me you'll always be faithful.

G.O.B.: Faithful? Of course I can be faithful.

Ann: Until tonight, when we're together...

G.O.B.: Oh! Until tonight! Well, of course I can be faithful - don't be stupid. You think I can't keep it in my pants in front of a bunch of doggy old women and my family? Don't be stupid. Who am I gonna hit on, stupid? My sister? Lindsay? Don't be stupid. She's my sister, that's gross. Now, you... have got some mice to scoop out of the sea.

Act 2Edit

Narrator: On the day of the Queen Mary party, G.O.B. remained faithful to Ann, even in the face of tremendous temptation.

G.O.B.: Unrelated.

Lindsay slaps G.O.B.

Narrator: But there would be no career-making magic show. It seemed the only "her" G.O.B. would be getting off that day was the Queen Mary.

Cut to: coastguard office

John Beard: (on TV) But then the Queen changed course, heading back to shore before crashing into the jetty and leaving most of its occupants all wet.

G.O.B.: I want all of these on the insurance form, okay? These are all part of an act I was going to do. Two drowned white doves, for "flowers to doves." This was a rabbit, for "doves to rabbit," also drowned. These were mice...

Tobias: For "rabbit to mice."

G.O.B.: No, that can't be done. No, these were part of a something I called "Mice-a-laneous." "Mouse in purse." "Mouse in drink." "Here's a mouse, now it's gone."

Tobias: How'd he do dat?

Narrator: But it was another man that G.O.B. needed to make things right with...

G.O.B.: George Michael...

Narrator: ...if he was ever going to deflower Ann Veal.

George Michael: Uncle G.O.B.

G.O.B.: Are we good?

George Michael: No.

G.O.B.: No, how could we possibly be? But... but are we, are we good?

George Michael: No! You stole my girlfriend.

G.O.B.: That's a tough thing, and, you know, sometimes you have to ask yourself, "Are we good?"

George Michael: Is it over between you guys?

G.O.B.: Oh, no. But are we good?

George Michael: I don't know what you want to hear from me, Uncle G.O.B.. I mean, "Yes, we are good...?"

G.O.B.: There it is! There it is! Ah, from a nephew to his uncle, and just the "yes", the much-vaunted "yes", that he gets. Look at you, full of "yes". Look at how much "yes" is in you! I knew it! I knew I'd get that "yes" from you. Look who got a "yes"! Got my "yes". I got that big "yes."

Narrator: And G.O.B. realized that there was finally nothing standing in the way of a loving, committed relationship with Ann.

Lindsay: My life is a fallacy.

Music: Hello, darkness, my old friend.

Tobias: (singing) Is that a gal I see? No, it's just a fallacy...

Music: I've come to talk with you...

Cut to: Ann's bedroom

Narrator: So, that night, as he broke into her house to break up with her...

G.O.B. yells upon coming face to face with a Jesus painting.

Ann: G.O.B.!

G.O.B.: Oh. For a second, I thought that was a real guy. So, listen, I talked to George Michael and everything's cool. I need to tell you something, though. I've been doing some thinking and I... I just don't...

Narrator: But as she unzipped her pajamas, it reminded him of past situations which he'd successfully been aroused.

G.O.B.: Well, I could wait till after.

Cut to: kitchen

Narrator: And later, G.O.B. once again tried to find a compassionate way to end the relationship.

Ann: So how did you like your egg?

G.O.B.: I said you were fine.

Ann: So, was there something you wanted to talk about when you came in through my window? G.O.B., what is it?

G.O.B.: What... What... is it? I... (laughs) You... It's the, the, the, the, the... the, the questions. You ask so many... of these, of these, of these, these, these questions that, that, that, that you keep asking the- for me... for, for, for, for... Should-should-should... should I? Should I? Should I? Should, should, should the, should the, should the, should, should the guy, should the guy, should the guy in the... should the guy in the... in the $32... in the $32 pink...ba-ba-ba-bath... Should, should, should, should... should the girl in the $6,000 tuxedo... should...

Narrator: G.O.B. was uncomfortable with the question.

G.O.B.: Should... In the $32... in the $3,400... Should the guy, come on, come on...

Ann: Let's- let's...

G.O.B.: (sobbing) Come on, come on, come on...

Ann: G.O.B.! Calm down! Listen, we had a great night together. I understand if you need your freedom.

G.O.B.: Oh... marry me.

Ann: Yes. Yes, I'll marry you, G.O.B.!

Narrator: Of course, G.O.B. meant it in the showbizzy way his niece had always used when she was accused of being too young.

Mort Meyers: What, are you, like, 15?

Maeby: (montage) Marry me! Marry me! Marry me! And may I add: marry me. Marry me.

Narrator: But like many evangelicals, Ann took it literally.

Ann: I'm getting married!

Ann's family rush in excitedly.

Narrator: G.O.B. was surrounded by unconditional love from a family for the first time in his life.

Music: Hello, darkness, my old friend...

G.O.B.: I've made a huge mistake.

Music: I've come to talk with you again.

Act 3Edit

Lucille's penthouse

Narrator: G.O.B. shared his happy news at a meeting with his family.

Michael: Buster, no offense.

Buster: None taken!

Michael: I'm sure G.O.B. helped himself to the money.

G.O.B.: Hey, I got mouths to feed.

Michael: Mouths?

G.O.B.: Mouth. Her.

Michael: Oh, hey, mouth. I didn't see you sitting there.

Ann: We rode up in the elevator together.

Michael: I'm blanking.

G.O.B.: Yeah, me and Blank are getting the old Christian magic act back together. I mean, you don't expect people to actually believe that I'm Jesus if I'm walking around in rags.

Michael: You're resurrecting that mumbo-jumbo?

G.O.B.: Look, everybody's got a gimmick. Tony Wonder's making a fortune with that gay magician act.

Narrator: G.O.B.'s long-time nemesis had come out of the closet and used it to great advantage in his act.

G.O.B.: Besides, I have to do something for the wedding.

Michael: Who's getting married?

G.O.B.: Her!

Michael: Who's marrying her?

G.O.B.: Me. Did I not open with that?

Michael: You sure didn't.

G.O.B.: Yeah, I'm getting married! (silence) I didn't want to make a big deal about it.

Michael: You haven't.

G.O.B.: Well, my wedding's going to be religious-y and epic. And expensive, which is why I need more of that stimmy-mommy. Thanks, Mike.

Michael: And of course Lindsay returns from her spiritual journey to get her hands on the...

Narrator: And perhaps it was all the talk of spirituality that led to this.

Cut to: TV studio

Father Marsala: And welcome to And As It Is Such, So Also As Such Is It Unto You.

Pastor Veal: Excuse me, Father Marsala, I hate to interrupt, but I am so excited today. My lovely Ann...

Father Marsala: Who?

Pastor Veal: My daughter.

Father Marsala: Oh. I didn't know you had a daughter.

Pastor Veal: You've met her several times.

Father Marsala: Oh.

Pastor Veal: She's sitting right next to you.

Father Marsala: Oh! That's why she's there. I thought you were hair.

Pastor Veal: Hair? No, she's my daughter, and she's getting married! To this good man.

Father Marsala: Well, and as it is such, so also as such is it unto you, young man.

G.O.B.: You got it. Unto you, as well...dear f... heavenly fathers.

Father Marsala: Well, we have a really great show today surrounding the Scriptures...

G.O.B.: We have an announcement to make. I have an announcement to make. That we would like to televise our marriage, here on this show.

Father Marsala: My goodness. Oh, um, we... hadn't heard of it. Did you...?

Pastor Veal: Well, no, but that's... No... What an idea. I think...

Father Marsala: Well, this show is about the spirit of inclusion, so I would love to say...

G.O.B.: Well, great! Then I, too, have an announcement to make! At our wedding, I will be performing one of my famous magical illusions. That once your eyes have beholden it, you will put no god before me, because of its spectacularity. And, of course, I only propose to do this out of love for...

Ann: Ann.

G.O.B.: And... God. Love for and God. Let me pray. Dearest... beloved... gods...

Narrator: G.O.B. was feeling bolder, which was perhaps why Michael returned home to find this.

Cut to: model home

Caption: two weeks later...

G.O.B.: (inside fake boulder) And yea, as if to be arisen the third or fourth day with all the magic of... (Michael kicks the boulder down the steps) Jesus Christ!

Michael: Sorry! Wasn't on there too good.

G.O.B. climbs out.

Michael: You okay?

G.O.B.: Yeah, this is part of my... illusion for the wedding.

Michael: Yeah, what's the illusion, that you actually love the bride?

G.O.B.: Hey. That's good patter. Looking for... I need people to root for the Jesus character.

Michael: I don't remember a biblical passage where Jesus came out of a boulder. Is it in there?

G.O.B.: Oh, no, no, no, the boulder's my escape plan. They think I'm somewhere else. I'm actually in the boulder. But I didn't come here to talk about my magic act, Michael.

Michael: Okay.

G.O.B.: I came to ask you to be... my best man. Slash assistant. And then we'll walk through the act later, of course. I mean, not now.

Michael: No. We're not going to, 'cause you know, I'm out of the family. Did you not get that when I announced it over at Mom's place?

G.O.B.: I feel like I was out of the room at that point.

Cut to: G.O.B. at the penthouse

Michael: I am done with this family. I hope you've saved some money 'cause you're gonna need every dime now.

Music: Hello, darkness, my old friend...

Michael: Well, the gist of it was, "You know what? I'm done with this family. I hope you saved your money 'cause you're going to need every last dime now."

G.O.B.: Maybe you could be a centurion, kind of standing over where they think that I'll be.

Michael: I'm not going to be in the act.

G.O.B.: Might be a great promotion for the Bluth Company.

Michael: No, the Bluth Company's done. I started my own company, Michael B. Company.

G.O.B.: I have a bee company. You stole my idea?

Michael: Uh-uh, I did not steal your... We sell h- It would take hours. How's that going, by the way?

G.O.B.: Uh, not so good. I've been keeping the bees in my apartment. I was using my magic smoke on them. And my bees are dropping like flies, and I need them to fly like bees. And so I've got them out at a bee hospital, which is not cheap, which is another reason I need to be a famous magician.

Michael: Yeah, well, listen, you're with my son's ex, so I can't support the wedding.

G.O.B.: What if I don't actually get married?

Michael: I don't think you'd need a best man, then, right?

G.O.B.: No, I guess at that point, it'd really be more... assistant.

Michael: Is this an escape act? Are you running again?

G.O.B.: What do you want from me? Marriage is a lot of pressure, and she's not into it. Meanwhile, I'm working out like crazy, my diet has become insane. And this Jesus character, I mean, he was... shredded. Meanwhile, we have sex one time, and then she's just, you know, over it. Lets herself go. Her stomach's out to here.

Michael: You know, your whole life is an escape act, and this girl seems like she really likes you. Why don't you just try to work it out and just stop running...? (turns back from fridge) Yeah, I know you're in the boulder.

G.O.B.: But how'd I get in the boulder?

Cut to: church

Narrator: And on the day of the wedding, even though G.O.B. didn't take it seriously, he was a little hurt to discover no one else in his family did, either.

Ann: I know it's bad luck for you to see me in my gown before the wedding.

G.O.B.: Well, hopefully I haven't.

Ann: You're angry.

G.O.B.: Why? Because none of my family's shown up and the only person I recognize out there is Tony Wonder, who's only shown up hoping that I'd fail?

Ann: I don't know what your surprise trick is, but... I know it's going to be great. And as for your family... you have a new family now.

G.O.B.: I don't want these. (spots Tobias) Tobias!

Tobias: G.O.B.!

G.O.B.: Thanks for coming.

Tobias: Well, how could I not? I'm playing Roman Centurion Number Two. What, what are you playing?

G.O.B.: I'm the groom!

Tobias: I didn't know there was a groom part. You know, Betty at "And As It Is Such, So Also As Such Is It Unto You" casting told me this was all biblical.

G.O.B.: Wait, so... you're not here for the wedding?

Tobias: Well, thank you very much for your vote of confidence. I'll have you know I've worked for the Miracle Network a number of times.

Miracle Network logo.

Announcer: Coming up next: Father Marsala's searing docudrama, Father Marsala's John the Baptist. Then the anti-abortion drama, Embryo Dan: It Would Have Been a Wonderful Life. And later, break out the bagels. It's time for Father M's lighthearted comedy, A Jew Came to Dinner.

Tobias: I hate to be the guy who quotes his own reviews, but His Word magazine... called my Jew "pitiful."

Narrator: But soon, the wedding began.

Pastor Veal: And so, it truly is a blessed day. I believe that we are all blessed, uh, to be gathering here at the Church of the Holy Eternal Rapture. Uh, we have almost arrived at that glorious moment where we join together these two very special people, but first, my almost son-in-law has something he'd like to share with all of us, so, um... ladies and gentlemen, uh, please enjoy a magical... uh, trick.

G.O.B. is wheeled on cuffed to a giant cross.

G.O.B.: Thanks for that killer intro. It's true, this is a magical trick. If what Jesus did was a trick.

Gasps.

G.O.B.: I say it wasn't.

Applause.

G.O.B.: It was an illusion.

Tobias: Ooh, they did not like that one.

G.O.B.: I don't take notes from you, Centurion Number Two. Just turn this thing around. I am not the real Jesus. (frees himself from cross) I am the Amazing Jesus! No? I thought that that would be up your... alley. Yes! The real Jesus came off the cross and went into his cave... a dead man.

Narrator: And G.O.B.'s escape boulder was wheeled up to the trick.

G.O.B.: But was he crazy enough to do it... handcuffed?

Tobias: Handcuff the King of the Jews!

G.O.B.: You don't have words here... Pastor Veal, if you don't mind, please go up into the cave and assure everyone that there's no... way to escape: no trapdoors, no secret compartments, no way to get out. Thank you very much... Pastor Veal, let me remind you that you are in a church in front of your daughter, your congregation, God. You cannot tell a lie. (winks) Right, nothing out of the ordinary?

Pastor Veal: No, I, I didn't see anything.

G.O.B.: Yes. Jesus went into the cave, and he arose three days later. But I'm not going to lock myself in the cave for three days before this wedding ceremony. No, no. No, no, no. I plan on beating his record by - TWO FULL WEEKS!

G.O.B. dances around to The Final Countdown.

Tobias: Into the cave with you!

G.O.B.: No, I said don't underline the "you" in that.

Narrator: Unfortunately, G.O.B. was not able to open the secret compartment that contained the handcuff key.

G.O.B.: It's not going to work. Okay, uh, this isn't going to work. Let's do... let's do mouse in drink. Let's do mouse in drink. Just get these people some drinks. We'll just get a mouse. No-no-no. No-no-no, no - you know not what you do!

Narrator: But it very clearly said in the centurions' script to ignore the magician's protests, which meant that, still handcuffed...

G.O.B.: But if my hands are handcuffed, I'll never...

G.O.B. drops into the boulder behind the cover of a shroud.

Narrator: ...G.O.B. was unable to break his fall and was therefore knocked unconscious. And as the G.O.B. dummy was sealed inside the cave, the real G.O.B.'s fate was sealed as well.

Boulder wheeled away.

Pastor Veal: Well, I guess... we'll wait two weeks... and see if he's in there. Is that okay with you, Ann?

Ann: He's not coming back.

Act 4Edit

Narrator: G.O.B. was stuck inside a fake boulder in the parking lot of a church,

Kids skateboard over the boulder.

G.O.B.: (hoarsely) Hey, kids.

Narrator: ...while inside the church,the daily routine proceeded as usual...

Bingo Announcer: I-18.

Narrator: ...and the anticipation grew to a fevered pitch.

Bingo Announcer: I-18.

Cut to: TV studio

Father Marsala: Eleven exciting days, um, although nothing's really happened.

Pastor Veal: Day 11. Once he gets out, it's going to be a beautiful, beautiful wedding.

Ann: He's not coming back.

Narrator: But it was Betty from "And As It Is Such, So Also As Such Is It Unto You" that would render G.O.B.'s escape act a disaster.

Truck Driver: You got to get rid of this thing. I got Mrs. Murray's trailer here.

Betty: I guess, if he comes back from the dead, we could just... get a stepladder. Guys? This, too.

Narrator: And a hoarse, weakened G.O.B. was unable to stop them as the boulder was shipped to a storage unit in Tustin. Although a keen eye could see that G.O.B. was alive but not well. And that's why this particular chair was empty at the trial of Lucille Bluth.

Cut to: church

Pastor Veal: Well, I can't thank you all enough for returning...

Narrator: At the end of two weeks, the big day finally arrived... again.

Pastor Veal: So let's count down. Let's have some fun, uh, from five, four...

Crowd: Three, two, one!

Tobias: The dead will walk amongst us. No, he shan't, for he-eth not here.

Ann: I knew it.

Tobias: Oh, there's a note.

Tobias: "If I have not yet returned, I am in the Rapture." Oh, and then it says, "Love each other."

Mrs. Veal: What does he think we've been doing?

Wedding Guest: I loaned him $1,000.

Narrator: G.O.B. didn't fare much better than the bride, finally being discovered on an episode of the auction reality show...

Locker Hawkers logo.

Cut to: outside storage locker

Storage Dave: Moment of truth, people.

Lorna: It's a masker.

Man: Jesus, there's a man in there.

Auctioneer: Hey, stand well back. Let's get the bidding started at a hundred dollars. Anybody?

Man: No!

Lorna: He's hissing.

Cut to: hospital

Narrator: After a week in the hospital, G.O.B. was happy to finally see a familiar shape.

Ann: You humiliated me. You made a mockery of my religion and you ruined our wedding.

G.O.B.: Our first fight, and like all fights, you're a little right, I'm a little right.

Ann: I sold your cave on Craigslist.

G.O.B.: So it was all worth it. We have money to start our life together. Now we have our nest, egg. Ann. Now we have our, our nest, Ann.

Ann: I'm leaving you, G.O.B.. I don't love you any more. I feel sorry for you, and you're gonna be alone forever unless you let the Holy Ghost inside you.

G.O.B.: The, the Holy... Sh- sh- sh- (stammering)

Ann: Shh.

G.O.B.: You shh. You shh. You sh, you sh-

Ann leaves a religious pamphlet on his chest.

Ann: You know what? I hope you read this.

Narrator: And maybe it was the fact that he had nothing in his system but two weeks of candy vines, but it did get through to him.

Cut to: G.O.B. being wheeled out of the hospital

G.O.B.: Steve! It's me. Uh, I w- I wanted to let you know that I am... I'm, I'm ready to... to, to... let the son of G.O.B. enfold me. Have you been to the club "And", owned by Jeremy Pivan? I'm gonna be there tonight about 8:00. Maybe you could join me, I don't- obviously it's, it's me, your fa- (phone beeps) ...Nah, he got it. Okay.

Cut to: bar

Narrator: G.O.B. was waiting to meet his son at a bar and feeling a little vulnerable.

G.O.B.: Lost my wife, lost my career. When I was in that storage unit at the bottom of that rock, it was like I hit...

Steve Holt: Rock bottom?

G.O.B.: No, no, not that. More like a... trending downward moment that just... I don't know. Maybe I'm being tested like that guy "Jawb" from the Bible.

Bartender: Job.

G.O.B.: Yes?

Bartender: Job.

G.O.B.: Yes, sir.

Bartender: Job.

G.O.B.: Yeah.

Steve Holt: Look, I- I feel sorry for you, Pops.

G.O.B.: Hey, pal, I'm not that much older than you, guy. (Steve laughs) Nah, I'm just here, I'm looking for my son. I'm trying to get some cash out of him, actually.

Steve Holt: You, you have another son? I have a brother? (laughing) Oh, man.

G.O.B.: Yes... Steve.

Steve Holt: Yeah. What's his name?

G.O.B.: Dave.

Steve Holt: Oh - Dave Holt!

G.O.B.: Yeah, Dave Holt.

Steve Holt: Yes.

Narrator: Yes, G.O.B. had been speaking to his son for an hour and a half.

Caption: 90 minutes earlier...

G.O.B.: Wait, your mom's name is Eve?

Steve Holt: Yeah.

G.O.B.: Oh, God, I (BLEEP) a chick named Eve once. Biggest mistake of my life. (both laugh)

Narrator: And perhaps it was because G.O.B. was inadvertently so warm to his son that Steve offered him a job.

G.O.B.: You know, I did the illusion myself and now I don't really have all that much money, and I don't even have a job.

Steve Holt: Would you want to come work with me? I mean, I...

G.O.B.: Are you serious?

Steve Holt: I mean, I, I'm in pest control, but father and son. What a great team.

G.O.B.: It would be a great team. I mean, I don't care. Pest control, I don't know... As long as I'm not being a pest to you, right?

Steve Holt: No, never.

G.O.B.: I mean, no, I'm kidding. I just- I mean- Uh... Where is your place of business?

Steve Holt: 181...

G.O.B.: 181...

Steve Holt: Manville.

G.O.B.: Manville.

Steve Holt: Manville.

G.O.B.: Manville. What time do you start this pest control?

Steve Holt: 7 a.m.

G.O.B.: Then I'll be there at 6:45 with two cups of coffee.

Steve Holt: Oh, Dad. This is the greatest day of my life!

G.O.B.: No. This is the greatest day of my life.

Narrator: And perhaps it was because it was such a great day...

G.O.B.: 6:45.

Steve Holt: 6:45.

G.O.B.: 6:45.

Steve Holt: Steve Holt!

Narrator: ...that G.O.B. decided to stay at the bar and show off a little.

G.O.B.: I bet it's been a long time since you've seen your... (pulls out and eats cherry) ...cherry.

Woman: I have lupus.

G.O.B.: (spits cherry out) Could have warned a guy.

Narrator: But showing off did catch the attention of someone.

J.B.J.: That was the real deal, huh? How about this? How about you do that cherry trick for my boy Mark Cherry?

G.O.B.: Mark Cherry the baby-faced singer or Marc Cherry the baby-faced showrunner?

J.B.J.: Baby-faced singer. Right over there, man. He has loved magic ever since he was a kid.

Narrator: Which was two years earlier, when Mark Cherry was the star of a cable teen sitcom called Pop-A-R.O.T.C, created by a longtime writing veteran of the TV show Cheers. Soon, Mark Cherry became a pop sensation off his cowritten hit single, "Practice Kisses."

J.B.J.: I found a gentleman who is about to do a magic trick for you.

G.O.B.: No, it's an illusion. A trick is something a whore does for...

J.B.J.: Do a trick and I'll pay for your bar tab.

G.O.B.: Who wants a trick?

All: Yeah!

G.O.B. produces a cherry from his mouth.

All: Whoa!

Narrator: G.O.B. had them in the palm of his hand.

All: Whoa!

Narrator: He even got the attention of a still out-of-control Rebel Alley...

Rebel: Do it again. I missed it.

Narrator: ...who was there doing research for an upcoming PSA...

G.O.B.: Fireball!

Narrator: ...she'd soon be required to do by law.

Rebel: Fire, fire!

Rebel: (PSA) Never yell "fire" in a crowded place. It's never funny.

Rebel: That's always funny.

Narrator: And she was intrigued by this magical man.

G.O.B. pours a drink into Rebel's purse.

Rebel: Whoa! (slaps G.O.B.) That is a David Spade.

G.O.B.: Check your purse.

A dove has appeared the purse.

Rebel: Oh... (kisses G.O.B.)

Mark Cherry: Nice.

Paparazzo: Mark, over here!

J.B.J.: Oh, man, paparazzo.

Rebel: Oh, shoot, great. The last thing I need is to be seen partying with some tweens. I'm trying to clean up my act.

Trout: Dude, network's gonna flip if there's another drunk photo of you.

Mark Cherry: I know.

J.B.J.: We got to get you away from this place, okay?

G.O.B.: Getting away is kind of my specialty. I'll have us out of here in a flash.

Caption: seconds later...

G.O.B.: All right. Let's get out of here while they've still got lighter fluid in their eyes.

J.B.J.: Go, baby. Go-

Cut to: limo

Mark Cherry: Oh, man. Oh... Nice moves, Getaway.

All: Ohh!

G.O.B.: Okay.

Narrator: G.O.B. had been accepted into the group, which was bad news for Cherry's business manager's son Josh Abramson.

Caption: josh abramson "the level-head"

Narrator: G.O.B. actually did end up driving down Manville at 6:45 a.m.

G.O.B.: (shouting out of limo sunroof) This is it! This is... I'll be with you in a second, I'll be right there. Start without me, just start without me. Do it!

Steve Holt: He's not coming back.

Act 5Edit

Narrator: G.O.B. was living the dream, and felt like he was in the center of the entourage, even though he was three away from the center at the closest, and it was pop star Mark Cherry's dream.

G.O.B. stopped by bouncer.

G.O.B.: Hey! I'm with, with the guys.

Mark Cherry: Keep the limo running, Getaway.

G.O.B.: That's my job.

Narrator: The next few months were a blur of partying... and shame.

Note on mirror: Hey Joe withabee - Fun nite PS I have sifulus :(

Narrator: But G.O.B. had a trick for helping him forget the shame.

G.O.B. takes a roofie.

Caption: the next day...

Narrator: Unfortunately it also helped him forget that he tried to forget the shame...

Cut to: roofie market

Caption: later that day...

G.O.B.: Hey! Remember me?

Narrator: ...and soon G.O.B. found himself experiencing...

G.O.B.: Hey, I'm having myself a little bit of a... empty bottle situation.

Narrator: ...what, on the street, is referred to as a roofie circle.

G.O.B.: I won't forget this.

Narrator: Whereby a roofie is taken the day after a degrading event...

Caption: the next day...

G.O.B. sees the mirror and takes a roofie.

Narrator: ...too late to erase the memory of the degrading event itself...

Caption: the next day...

G.O.B. sees the mirror.

Narrator: ... but not too late to erase the prior day's attempt to erase the event.

G.O.B. at the market stall.

Caption: the next day...

Narrator: Thus, with no memory of taking the roofie...

G.O.B.: Hey, remember me? Do you still sell the, uh...

Narrator: ...but the memory of the event very much alive...

G.O.B.: Been a while. Ooh, I should grab a, uh... (goes to grab fruit, realizes he's holding one) Oh.

Narrator: ...the victim of the roofie circle finds himself constantly trying to re-erase the memory...

Caption: one month later...

G.O.B.: (seeing decorations) What's with the scary guy? Cállate!

Narrator: ...but only succeeds in erasing the memory...

Repeated scenes of G.O.B. in the bathroom.

Caption: three days later...

Narrator: ...of the attempt to erase the memory.

Caption: the next day...

Caption: two days earlier...

Caption: fifteen days later...

Narrator: Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months...

G.O.B. at the market.

G.O.B.: What's with all the Christmas decorations?

Narrator: ...as relationships grow testier. And what begins in shame...

Caption: six weeks later...

G.O.B.: Hey, remember me?

Mercado Salesman: No, no más, no más.

Narrator: ...almost always ends...

G.O.B.: You remember me? Do you remember me?

Narrator: ...in a Mexican hospital...

G.O.B.: Remember me?

G.O.B. collapses at the market.

Narrator: ...with stage-four syphilis.

Cut to: Mark Cherry's bedroom

Narrator: G.O.B. was also wearing out his welcome with Mark and the other hangers-on.

G.O.B.: See, told you I knew him.

Twink: Can I get a picture with him to show my five-year-old?

G.O.B.: You have a five-year-old?

Twink: A granddaughter.

G.O.B.: Oh, yeah, fine.

Twink: Thank you.

Mark Cherry: (waking up) What the hell?

G.O.B.: Run, run, run!

Narrator: And perhaps it was this incident...

Mark Cherry: (BLEEP) Getaway.

Narrator: ...that inspired Mark Cherry to actually write a song about G.O.B.

Cut to: music studio

Mark Cherry: (singing) Go away, Getaway, stay away, Getaway...

G.O.B.: (singing along) Stay away, Getaway...

Mark Cherry: (singing) Get away, Getaway...

Narrator: But the lyrics were too subtle for G.O.B. to notice.

G.O.B.: I know guys just like that.

Narrator: And as his life in the Malibu colony was falling apart, he got a call that his bee colony wasn't doing much better from a very much alive Johnny Bark.

Cut to: bee farm

Johnny Bark: Look. You've got to get your bees out of here. They're sick. They're going to collapse the whole colony.

Joan Bark: Did you tell him about the sick bees?

Johnny Bark: Jesus, I just said that!

Cut to: Mark Cherry's house

Narrator: And G.O.B. returned just in time to catch his friends going out for the evening without him.

Mark Cherry: Guys, hurry before he sees us. Come on.

G.O.B.: Hey, guys, where we going? I, I'll drive, I just got to put my sick bees in the trunk.

Narrator: And perhaps this was the moment that G.O.B. could sense the tide was turning.

J.B.J.: It's my fault, guys. I made a mistake.

Narrator: In an effort to remain popular with the gang, G.O.B. stopped in front of a club to pick up some women.

G.O.B.: Who wants to party with Mark Cherry?

DeBrie: Me, me, me...

G.O.B.: That's one forget-me-now saved, huh, fellas? Oh, looks like we got a real live one, and by live, I mean barely alive.

J.B.J.: Take off your...

Group: Clothes!

J.B.J.: Take off your...

Group: Clothes!

J.B.J.: We're nice, we're having a good time.

G.O.B.: We are having a great time!

Mark Cherry: Hey, Getaway?

G.O.B.: Yeah.

Mark Cherry: You know what'd be really cool? If you shut the partition. It'd be like, a, like a joke, like you're our limo driver...

G.O.B.: That would be hilarious, right? "Oh, yes, very good, sir, very good." Right? Be like, "I'm, heh, I'm just driving the Queen of England," but we're still... We're taking our clothes off! We're taking-

Narrator: But perhaps if they had not excluded G.O.B....

DeBrie: You guys have anything harder, like, in here?

Narrator: ...he could have prevented this from happening.

DeBrie: You have the good stash in here?

Mark Cherry: What are you talking about?

DeBrie pulls the seat forward, releasing the bees.

G.O.B.: (unable to hear) "A lot of traffic out here today, Miss Daisy."

Screaming and buzzing.

G.O.B.: (singing along to radio) Go away, Getaway, stay away, Getaway...

Narrator: On the plus side, G.O.B.'s bees were feeling good enough to sting again.

Cut to: Mark Cherry's house

Everyone but G.O.B. is slumped unconscious.

G.O.B.: And I see this boat and I'm like, "Those are police boats," so, anyway, I'm running around and I said, "It's not a trick, it's an illusion..."

Narrator: To the entourage, the evening was a complete disaster. Drunken, sick, and covered with bee stings, they had truly hit bottom. For G.O.B., however, it was an amazing night, and he couldn't wait to forget it.

G.O.B.: Fun night. A fun night. Fun night.

Narrator: The next day, Getaway awoke without a care in the world and snuck to the front door, trying not to arouse the gang he assumed would be blissfully sleeping it off all day.

G.O.B.: Wake up!

Narrator: But G.O.B. had slept through the seven ambulances that had arrived after Josh Abramson had swung by to pick up an old computer.

Josh: (subtitled 911 call) [unintelligible] Listen to me! I just [unintelligible] friends with them? [unintelligible] I've come to [unintelligible] There's fourteen of them. They're all... One of them is Mark Cherry. He's a singer! [unintelligible]

911 Operator: Calm down. How many ambulances?

Josh: Five! Ten! Maybe. Seven at least!

Narrator: Nonetheless, later that evening, G.O.B. arrived early at the Opies, an award show that honored youth in Hollywood, to make sure that Mark Cherry would be well taken care of...

G.O.B.: Where's the coconut shrimp?

Narrator: ...before his scheduled performance.

G.O.B.: Hey, come on, my guys love coconut shrimp. Epecially if they can get it with a little bit of... club...

Narrator: It was then that G.O.B. noticed the presence of a competitor from his past.

G.O.B.: T.W. Tony Wonder.

Narrator: G.O.B. realized that where there was glitter, there must also be Tony Wonder. And that's when G.O.B. decided to take advantage of an unexpected diversion and have a little fun - by wedging shut a panel on the podium he knew Tony Wonder would pop out of.

G.O.B.: (into phone) You guys want to see a real failed magician? You might want to get down to the Opies tonight. It's going to be hysterical.

Narrator: And that's when G.O.B. found out that Mark Cherry had checked into rehab.

G.O.B.: Well, come on, you guys, I mean, it's just... A little alcohol poisoning... never... killed anyone.

Narrator: Actually, alcohol poisoning is responsible for over 4000 deaths a year.

Rebel: (PSA) Binge drinking. Not cool.

G.O.B.: Well, that's a drag. I thought we were friends.

Narrator: But, of course, they weren't.

Mort Meyers: But Schnoodle's coming out now, too, just like Tony Wonder.

Narrator: And that's when he saw Tony Wonder come out of a speaker.

Tony Wonder: I'm here, I'm queer. And now I'm in a speaker.

Mort Meyers: No one can stop us.

Explosion and alarms.

Narrator: It was in that pivotal moment that G.O.B. realized he had lost his fiancée, his career, his family, and his entourage.

G.O.B.: I have no one in my life who cares for me.

Music: Hello, dark-

G.O.B.'s phone starts ringing with a call from Steve Holt.

G.O.B.: (rejecting call) Great. And now my boss is up my ass.

Act 6Edit

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development.

G.O.B.: (singing) Get away, Getaway...

Radio: You're hopelessly hopeless...

Narrator: G.O.B. nurses the loss of his new family when he gets a call from his old one.

G.O.B.: This is G.O.B.

Lucille: It's your mother. We're going to plan B. Go see your father in the desert. He wants you to prepare to be president of the Bluth Company.

G.O.B.: Yes! Finally. I will not disappoint you, Mom. I am the perfect person to look out for this family. (almost runs over Michael) Whoa! (honks horn)

Michael: (singing) Hey, I met a girl today...

G.O.B.: (singing) Get away, Getaway...

Cut to: desert colony

Narrator: And after collapsing yet another colony, G.O.B. makes a startling discovery...

G.O.B. enters the sweat lodge.

G.O.B.: My cave.

Narrator: And decides to investigate...

G.O.B.: Why didn't you open?

Narrator: ...only to discover that someone had wedged shut his secret compartment on the day he deserted his Christian bride.

G.O.B. finds a cross from a necklace.

G.O.B.: "T." Tony Wonder. Tony Wonder...

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