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|Season Three, Episode Thirteen|
Narrator: This is Michael Bluth. Right now he’s being honored by his family.
Michael: Three years ago, I made a choice to keep this family together... Uh, today looks like I succeeded.
Narrator: So why is this man crying? Because now he’ll have to stay with these people for a long, long time.
Narrator: Days earlier, Michael awoke to find his son in his bed.
Michael: Hey. Are you scared of a monster?
George Michael: Kind of.
Narrator: It was the monster called lust, to which he’d recently succumbed.
George Michael: And there’s a chance you might not even be related to us.
Narrator: And although he’d only gotten to second base, he’d gone in head-first, like Pete Rose. But the next day, they both got some distressing news.
Tobias: And there you are, Maeby, coming out of your mother’s third base. You guys really are related.
Narrator: And that night..
Maeby: You’re not sleeping in here now.
George Michael: Yeah, you think that’s a bad idea?
Maeby: What, I mean, so we can make out every night?
George Michael: Does that... not work for your schedule? I mean, I’m sure we can control our, you know... I’m going to go sleep with my dad.
Maeby: Yeah, I’m going to go get my job back.
Michael: You’re probably just a little anxious because your old man is about to start running a successful company for a change.
George Michael: So Pop-Pop is definitely innocent, huh?
Michael: No, not by a long shot but they have dropped all the charges, and not just the Iraq ones. The embezzlement, the pension-robbing... I don’t know why they dropped them, but they did. Let’s see if we are on Mad Money, huh?
Television: ...and they deliver insulin right to my door!
Michael: It’s probably on right after this ad. This is going to be great for us, too. It’s going to give us a chance to spend some time together, you know? It’s like I don’t even know what’s going on in your life right now. Are there any girls or...?
George Michael: Actually... I’ve been wrestling with some pretty taboo...
Michael: Shh-shh! Do you hear this?
Jim Cramer: I love these guys! They beat the treason charges! We had it as a “Don’t buy.” Let’s bump it up to a “Risky!”
Michael: Risky! There it is!
Michael: We’re doing it, huh? Are you happy?
George Michael: I’m really happy. Hey, I wonder if we should move out of town.
George Michael: I feel like we’ve heard this whole “out of the woods” thing a lot, you know, and-and I just wouldn’t mind...
Michael: What have I always said is the most important thing?
George Michael: Family.
Michael: I was going to say breakfast, but... why don’t we go over to Gangee’s, have a little of both. Later we can talk all this out, huh?
George Michael: Well, I’ve heard that a couple times, too.
Narrator: And so the family gathered for a celebratory brunch catered by a local restaurant.
All: (Chanting.) Risky, risky, risky, risky!
Michael: Look at that, Buster. You would’ve lost a hand anyway.
Lucille: I’d like to make an announcement. We need to finish the party we started three years ago, finally name Michael CEO of a thriving company.
Lucille: We’ll prove to the world that nothing can tear apart e Bluth family. In fact, I’ve already rented the same boat.
Buster: Oh, I’m not comforble near the ocean since the seal attack. The ocean is my second biggest fear.
Lucille: Good, don’t come. I need to be rubbing elbows, not working your fork.
Michael: We’ll find a new venue.
Lucille: Oh, and before I forget, no magic, G.O.B.
Michael: Where is G.O.B.?
George: Oh, who knows? I don’t even know where he lives.
Buster: He doesn’t live at Michael’s?
Tobias: I’ve always pictured him in a lighthouse.
Michael: Doesn’t really matter.
Michael: Mom, I’m just really flattered that you’re willing to do this. And I was half worried that you’d all be eager to sell your shares and cash out.
Lindsay: W-We-we can do that?
Michael: Well, yeah, but Stan Sitwell’s always had a wild hair to buy this business.
Lucille: It’s the only hair he’s got. What? He’s an alpaca.
Michael: He has alopecia.
Michael: And, Lindsay, you know, if we did sell, it would only mean, like, what $2 million each?
Buster: $2 million, ...
Tobias: ..., $2 million, ...
George: ..., $2 million...
Michael: It sounds like a lot more than it actually is. You know, you’ve already spent $1,200 on eggs. And that would be it forever. Keep in mind we are building something that is not only for our own kids; it’s also for George Michael and Maeby’s kids, too.
George Michael: What? What? We can’t have kids! What’s the matter...? What are you...? I mean it’s not even an option, really.
Michael: Well, eventually, you’ll want to.
George Michael: Sure, I may want to, you know, now. I-It doesn’t matter. Either way, I won’t do anything about it. Come on!
Lucille: Michael’s right, and I for one will not go back to wondering whether there’s going to be enough food on the table.
Michael: Might want to start worrying about the table.
Lindsay: It’s fine for you to say “Don’t sell,” but I’m going to be 40 in three years, you know?
Michael: You know, being twins, our birthdays are pretty close to one another.
Lindsay: Yeah, but a 40-year-old woman has as much a chance of getting married as does of getting attacked by a shark.
Buster: (Shrieks.) Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were going to say “seal.”
Lindsay: Or a seal.
Buster: Oh, God!
Michael: Lindsay, you have nothing to worry about. You’re a beautiful woman. Any man would be lucky to have you.
Narrator: Michael had given this speech many times to Lindsay.
Young Lindsay: I’m a giant, fat pig.
Young Michael 3: I don’t know why you say stuff like that. Girls just grow faster than boys.
Lucille: Dinner’s ready. We’re having Lindsay chops. What? I want her to be prepared in case some bully at school is as clever as I am.
Narrator: No bully ever would be.
Michael: Oh, let’s not forget: you’re already married.
George: Hey, Mikey.
George: I think I’m going to cash out myself and, uh, maybe go down to my little place in Cabo.
Michael: What little place in Cabo, Dad? What, did you build yourself a little hideout in case you needed to escape?
George: (Chuckles.) Of course not.
Michael: Well, I don’t want you to worry, Dad. There’s going to be plenty of money to be made from a business run honestly.
George: Oh... well, your mom’s not going to allow for that. She’ll do whatever it takes to get her way. You think the banana stand was our idea?
Michael: It wasn’t?
Narrator: It wasn’t. Although they marketed the idea better, the frozen banana itself was the brain child of a Korean immigrant who threatened to sue them.
George: Your mother said she’d take care of it. The guy was deported to Korea the next day.
Narrator: Where his business never recovered.
Michael: You’re trying to tell me that all your crimes, all your dishonesty—she was behind it all?
George: She’s the queen, Michael. I was her king, but now it’s you. She may appear all sweet and innocent and light, but she has a way of, uh, controlling your behavior, and I’m concerned about you because I do not want to see...
Lucille: He’ll be fine.
George: You’ll be fine.
Narrator: Michael went to cancel the reservation on the party boat Buster so feared...
Narrator: ...when he saw G.O.B. on a party boat of his own.
Michael: You might want to untie these ropes first.
G.O.B.: Don’t tell me how to flee, Michael.
Michael: What are you doing here?
G.O.B.: Well, I... kind of live here.
Michael: Lighthouse wasn’t far off.
Michael: Perhaps you can tell me how you can afford a boat.
G.O.B.: You mean on the, uh, paltry $1,500 a week you give me?
Michael: Uh, I give you $500 a week.
G.O.B.: Yeah, well, somebody’s drawing a little “one” on those checks.
G.O.B.: No big deal. I plan on using my Bluth Company stock to pay for it. Sitwell’s made me a pretty nice little offer.
Michael: About that, G.O.B.—you cannot sell now.
G.O.B.: I have to.
Michael: G.O.B., you’re going to burn through this money and have nothing, all right? “You give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a night. If you teach a man to fish...”
G.O.B.: He’ll want to use your yacht, and I don’t want this thing smelling like fish.
G.O.B.: I’m burning through my future for it. But you wouldn’t understand that because you’re a robot. Although I don’t suppose you’d be willing to have the company buy it?
Lucille: (On the phone.) Well, you can’t let G.O.B. sell those shares.
Michael: Well, what am I supposed to do? won’t give up the yacht.
Man: Just keep your weight off it.
Lucille: So lease it to him through the company.
Michael: Yeah, that just doesn’t feel right.
Lucille: Oh, really? How would it feel to lose the company to a man who has less hair on his bleep than I have on my bleep?
Michael: It can’t be worse than hearing that just was.
Ted: I guess I couldn’t see through the glasses, and I slid into the ladder...
Lucille: Give G.O.B. the boat. We need to show the shareholders at this party that the family is united. It’s a very small concession to a important cause.
Narrator: And so Michael sold out just a little.
Michael: Fine, I will give him the yacht.
George Michael: Hey, Dad.
Michael: Hey, pal.
George Michael: Well, you said we could... we could talk later.
Michael: Yeah. You excited about the party?
George Michael: I actually might even just skip that.
Michael: What are you talking about? This party is essential for the stockholders to see. I mean, we got to show them how close this family really is.
Narrator: And this was as good an opening as George Michael was going to get.
George Michael: Maeby and I made out.
Michael: I’m sorry?
George Michael: Me, too.
Michael: What-what do you mean, son? You kissed?
George Michael: Even a little more than that. I thought she wasn’t my real cousin, but then Uncle Tobias showed us these really rough pictures that proved that she was really Aunt Lindsay’s daughter. I just feel like I can’t be around her or Aunt Lindsay. They were really rough... pictures.
Michael: No, I remember their birth announcement like it was yesterday.
George Michael: I mean, I know it’s wrong, you know, but, uh, my feelings are real even... even if it was a mistake.
Michael: Well, obviously, acting on those feelings is not an option. She’s a blood relative.
George Michael: I know. I’ve seen the blood.
Michael: Now, how long has this been going on?
George Michael: I don’t know. 53 weeks? I can’t be around her with these feelings anymore, and that’s why I’m-I’m not going to this party.
Narrator: And so Michael made another compromise of his values for the sake of the business.
Michael: Whatever happened to that Ann we were both so crazy about? You know, maybe you can bring her to the party. Yeah... Ann is the girl for us.
Narrator: Michael’s sister, meanwhile, was doing some selling out of her own.
Lindsay: ... that I’m not going to sell my five percent, even though you haven’t made an offer... which would be how much, by the way?
Stan Sitwell: Five percent? Lucille actually gave you less than her natural children?
Lindsay: I hope that’s not a crack about my hair color, lips, forehead, nose and teeth. Because at least I’m not wearing a rayon sweater set on my face.
Stan Sitwell: It’s alpaca, actually. Cruelty-free really narrows your choices.
Stan Sitwell: But that’s not what I meant when I said “natural child.”
Lindsay: Wait a minute, you’re saying... I’m adopted?
Stan Sitwell: I’m sorry. I thought you knew. Have I upset you?
Lindsay: Are you kidding me? This is the happiest I’ve been since the day I got my new nose! I’m not a Bluth!
Stan Sitwell: You were almost a Sitwell, but 37 years ago, the Bluths adopted you out from under us. So we said good-bye to you—our darling little three-year-old...
Lindsay: Uh, wait, “three-year-old”? Uh, you said it was 37 years ago.
Stan Sitwell: Oh, yeah, right. Hey, we should do something for your 40th next week.
Narrator: This part of the news Lindsay didn’t take that well.
Lindsay: Let me bleep. Get your bleep hands...
Stan Sitwell: Be gentle! She’s almost 40!
Narrator: Maeby, meanwhile, returned to Tantamount Studios, where word was, she was to be replaced when it was discovered she wasn’t the age she claimed to be.
Maeby: Please don’t fire me.
Mort Meyers: Fire you? Are you kidding? I’ve already gotten ten requests for the TV rights to your story. You got to get your family to sign the release papers. This is the biggest thing to happen since Uniprod hired that wee-brain to run Drama Development.
Narrator: Michael had compromised his morals, and was having trouble sleeping. Of course, some of that was Lindsay.
Michael: Are you drunk?
Lindsay: A little. We need to talk.
Michael: Yeah, I’ll say. Are you aware that your daughter and my son have been getting physical? I mean, can you imagine anything that inappropriate?
Lindsay: (Climbs on top of Michael.)
Michael: Whoa. I guess you can. What’re you doing?
Lindsay: I’m not your sister.
Lindsay: I’m adopted.
Michael: Wait, Lindsay...
Lindsay: And I’m three years older.
Michael: Hey, there must be some mistake.
Lindsay: No. Mom confirmed it. And I know you’ve always found me attractive. You’ve been telling me that for the last 40 years.
Michael: Wait, Lindsay. This is crazy.
Lindsay: If I don’t get divorced and remarry in the next month, I’m going to sell those shares, and I’m gonna cash out. So, what do you say?
Narrator: But even Michael couldn’t sell out that much.
Michael: I’m just not that into older women.
Lindsay: You bastard!
Narrator: Michael had just found out his sister was adopted. And the next morning, he awoke to a worse surprise.
Michael: Oh, come on.
Tobias: Well, I can’t sleep in the same room as her. She wants out of this marriage, fine. I-I’m afraid I’m going have to sell the Bluth shares and move on.
Michael: You can’t do that.
Tobias: They’re my shares.
Michael: No, I mean, you can’t spoon me like that.
Michael: We need a new venue for the shareholders’ party, and it cannot be a boat. Now, if you can find something, maybe I can fudge the books, get you a Bluth Company salary, huh? Maybe call you an events coordinator.
Tobias: Can we just lay here for a second while I think about it?
Narrator: Michael was making compromises all over the place.
twenty minutes later...
Tobias: I’ll do it.
Michael: Sounds great.
Narrator: Soon, George Michael went to Ann’s to try to win her back. But her Uncle Paul told him that Ann had moved in with her boyfriend. He also mentioned that we all only had three more weeks on earth, and that fossils were just something the Jews buried in 1924. And so, feeling that he couldn’t go home, George Michael decided to seek out his own creepy uncle, and Michael confronted his mother about the adoption.
Lucille: Look, she was better off with us. He wanted to call her Nellie.
Michael: Of course. Lindsay is the Nellie from the photo. Why didn’t you just tell people that she was adopted?
Lucille: Adopting a child we didn’t want just to stick it to a competitor. Well, that’d make us look great.
Michael: You’re right, Mom. People would have twisted that story to make you look bad.
Lucille: I don’t see what the big deal is. We loved her just as much as any of you normal kids. More than G.O.B.
Michael: The big deal, Mom, is that the family is falling apart. They’re trying to sell their stock, and I can’t promise you that I can keep everyone together until the party.
Lucille: We’ll pay them off. We’ll call it an accrued cash dividend, but they won’t get their money until sign a document at the party promising not to sell for ten years.
Michael: So, it’s embezzlement, bribery and conspiracy?
Lucille: And a whole lot of love.
Michael: Oh, yeah, and perjury.
Tobias: Oh, Michael.
Michael: Hey. Oh.
Tobias: I booked the perfect location and some wonderful performers for the party. We’re having it at the Queen Mary.
Buster: (Gasps.) Queen Mary? That’s a ship!
Tobias: Oh, no, no, no. It’s a chain of popular nightclubs. Although I haven’t been to this particular location. It’s on the Long Beach Harbor.
Buster: That’s the ship.
Michael: Buster, don’t worry about it. They’ve actually welded it to the dock.
Tobias: Although, perhaps I should call the “Hot Cops” and tell them to come up with something more nautically themed. Hot Sailors. Better yet, Hot Seam...
Michael: I like Hot Sailors.
Tobias: Hmm. Me, too.
Narrator: And George Michael was about to come across a hot seaman of his own.
George Michael: Uncle G.O.B.?
G.O.B.: What are you doing here? How’d you find me?
George Michael: My Dad said that you were living down here with your girlfriend.
G.O.B.: You know about her?
George Michael: Who?
George Michael: Her?
Narrator: G.O.B. had been dating Ann since he awarded her third place in an inner-beauty pageant.
G.O.B.: What? I thought that’s what all you guys lived for!
Narrator: ...while G.O.B. debased everything they believed in.
G.O.B.: What about you? You game?
Ann: It’s really not that big of a deal, George Michael. I’m 18 now, and besides, we really haven’t even done anything.
G.O.B.: Practically nothing. But what are you going to do? The girl obviously needs a man.
Narrator: And that’s when George Michael became one. Ann was upset.
Narrator: As was Buster when he saw the ship where the party was to be held.
Michael: Come on.
Narrator: And so Michael accepted his congratulations, all the while looking for his son. And Buster was approached by his loving father.
Buster: Do you think there’s any chance this ship could break away from the dock?
Oscar: We’re on a ship?
Narrator: And Maeby was trying to get the family to sign away the rights to their life stories.
Maeby: TV is not as good as it used to be, huh, Uncle Buster? But you can help me out by signing my petition to make it better.
Buster: Oh, I kind of like Skating with Celebrities. Excuse me.
Narrator: And Lucille was trying to get signatures, too.
Lucille: Sign here that you won’t sell.
Lindsay: Oh, I don’t need to sell, Lucille. Because now that I know that we’re not related, I’m going to marry Michael.
Lucille: I always saw him with a younger girl.
Narrator: And G.O.B., angry at Michael for sending his son to the docks...
G.O.B.: We’re not related?
Narrator: ...went into a kind of knee-jerk revenge mode.
G.O.B.: Why go for the best when you can go for the rest? Of your life with a younger man?
Lindsay: (Slaps G.O.B.)
G.O.B.: Kitty likes to scratch. (Yelling.) Oww! Mom! Mom!
Lucille: Take these forms to everyone in the family and promise them 100 grand if they sign.
Narrator: And that’s how Maeby found a way to get signatures on her release forms.
Maeby: Well, that was a freebie.
Narrator: And soon the crowd gathered to hear Michael.
Michael: I just want to say how much this family really means to me. My father has always been there for me.
Oscar: He’s a great man.
Michael: My brother G.O.B., who I know would never do anything to hurt anyone in this family.
Narrator: Except for dating his nephew’s girlfriend and hitting on his adopted sister.
Michael: Buster, who faced his biggest fear to be here today.
Buster: Second biggest.
Michael: And my sister, Lindsay. Yes, she is my sister, no matter what uh, any piece of paper says. Lindsay and her husband, Tobias. You know, deep down, they-they both love each other very, very much. Most of all, my mother, who has always believed in me. Uh, three years ago, I made a choice... (Clears throat.) .. a choice to keep this family together.
Narrator: And that’s when Michael finally cried.
Michael: Uh, today it looks like I succeeded.
Narrator: It wasn’t exactly a turn-on.
Buster: (Giggles.) Bleeping baby.
G.O.B.: It looks like George Michael got his mom back today, huh?
Michael: Yeah, well, where is George Michael, by the way?
G.O.B.: He came by the yacht, and gave me this shiner.
Michael: He hit you? What for?
G.O.B.: You know teenagers. Probably lashing out at you because of who I’m dating.
Michael: Who are you dating?
G.O.B.: Don’t worry. I didn’t fight back or anything. I was, like, “Oh, no, take the yacht. Please don’t hurt me.” You know, just build up the little guy’s self-esteem.
Michael: The yacht? Oh, for God’s sake, G.O.B. I’ve got to get off this ship. (To Lucille.) Mom, George Michael took off in G.O.B.’s yacht. I got to go find him.
Lucille: Well, you can’t go now. That’s not going to look good in front of the investors.
Michael: Mom, this is important, okay?
Lucille: Michael, this company is important.
Narrator: It was at that moment that Michael realized how much he’d sold out.
Stan Sitwell: Never seen a CEO cry like that before. Except at a sentencing. That’s who you’re putting in charge?
Lucille: I’ve made a huge mistake.
Lucille: Will you take the company for 20% above market?
Stan Sitwell: Ten, and I’ll take the company off your hands right now.
Lucille: 15, and I’ll throw in Nellie.
Stan Sitwell: She’s 40.
Narrator: Meanwhile, Michael searched the harbor and spotted the yacht. And G.O.B. noticed something, too.
G.O.B.: Are those police boats?
Lucille: Oh, my God. It’s the SEC.
Buster: They still have boats?
Man: (On bullhorn.) Prepare to be boarded. Prepare to be boarded.
Lucille: Did you do this?
Lindsay: No. But I can't help but enjoy the irony that you might be losing three years off your life.
Lucille: Ah. This is why they dropped those other charges. You gave me up, George.
Oscar: George? I'm not George. George invited me. Oh, stupid. Oscar, when are you going to learn there's no such thing as free shrimp?
Lucille: Well, I know it was someone in this family.
Annyong: Or someone who used to be.
Annyong: Annyong. [Hello]
Annyong: Annyong. [Hello]
Annyong: But my real name is Hel-loh.
Buster: Hello? [One Day]
Hel-loh: Annyong. [Hello]
Lucille: What the hell did you do this for?
Hel-loh: Because my grandfather vowed one day he would get even for banana stand you stole from him.
Narrator: It was true. Hel-loh had gathered information against Lucille to avenge his grandfather.
Hel-loh: Hey, Maeby ever mention my name?
Narrator: But Lucille was not going peacefully.
Lucille: You boys know how to shovel coal?
Narrator: I don't even want to tell you what these guys thought that meant.
Narrator: And Michael caught up with his son.
Michael: George Michael, what are you doing? Where are you going?
George Michael: I can't stay here. Ann's moved on. Maeby's my cousin. And we both know that's not an option.
Michael: Buddy, Maeby is not your cousin.
George Michael: What?
Michael: Yeah, I found out a couple of days ago. Aunt Lindsay was adopted.
George Michael: Why didn't you tell me this?
Michael: Because you can't be with Maeby. You're 15, and so, inevitably, the relationship is gonna fall apart, and then, what do you do? I mean, she might not be a blood relative, but she is still family, and that's a bond that lasts forever. You don't want to rock that boat. What the hell was that?
Narrator: It was his mother, who moments earlier had taken control of another Queen.
Lucille: Full steam, boys!
Stripper: This is degrading. I thought we were going to strip.
Voices: Oh. It’s moving. It’s moving. I’ve got to get off. I’ve got to get off.
Narrator: And Buster faced his second biggest fear.
Buster: (Screaming.) I can’t swim. I can’t swim.
Narrator: And then his first.
Buster: Oh, come on!
Narrator: And the two grand ladies made their escape together.
Man: (Over horn.) Lucille Bluth, please pull over and step away from the historic ship.
Michael: I think Gangee’s trying to make a break for it.
George Michael: Well, I guess we should go back. Family sticks together, huh?
Michael: Yeah. On the other hand, we do have a full tank of gas, a house in Cabo, and 500 grand in cashier’s checks. What say we give them no choice but to keep themselves all together for a while?
Narrator: It was Arrested Development.
Narrator: On the epilogue, Michael wakes up to another strange bedfellow after his first night at sea...
George: How was the party?
Narrator: ... and Maeby pitches her TV show to a Hollywood icon who says...
Ron Howard: No, I, uh... I don’t see it as a series. Maybe a movie.