|Season Three, Episode Twelve|
Narrator: Michael was preparing his sister for her upcoming deposition in the case against their father.
Michael: If they say “Did you know of any financial improprieties,” you’ll...?
Lindsay: Unbutton my shirt a bit and give him this look.
Michael: Not really sure what you’re going for there.
Lindsay: Yeah, I’m sorry, I drank a lot last night.
Michael: Yeah, why were you drinking?
Tobias: If I look like a man who made love to his wife last night, it’s because I almost did.
Lindsay: That’s why.
Narrator: But Tobias had a low tolerance for alcohol.
Tobias: (Slurring.) You look very hans...
Michael: And so you just finished off the bottle?
Lindsay: Well, I had to. It’s vodka. It goes bad once it’s opened.
Michael: I think that’s another one of Mom’s little fibs.
Michael: You know, like “I’ll sacrifice anything for my children.”
Lindsay: Speaking of Mom... she really doesn’t want me to do this deposition.
Michael: Well, you have to, Lindsay. Sorry, you’ve been subpoenaed.
Tobias: I’m afraid I might not be able to be deposed either. I got a call out of the blue for a chance to play a very important part in The Prosecution.
Michael: The prosecution called you?
Tobias: I assume it’s a CBS procedural. Although they didn’t send sides, so I thought I’d trot out a Vagina Monologue, or something else I know. And they did ask for old photos a documents so I went and got these out of the secret room.
Michael: The prosecution is not a TV show. It’s clearly somebody in the D.A.’s office trying to get you to flip. These guys will bend the law to enforce the law.
Tobias: Tell me that’s not a CBS franchise.
Michael: I’m serious, Tobias. Why else would they want all these documents?
Tobias: For set dressing, silly. Those Hollywood shows are so incredibly detailed.
Michael: Well, you’re going to call them and tell them you’re not interested. We all have to be careful, okay? The prosecution is going to be coming after all of us.
George Michael: Including me?
Michael: Hmm? No. You don’t have any secrets.
George Michael: Oh. (Chuckling nervously.) Yeah, , I... Um, hey, speaking of that, uh... it’s actually her birthday soon, so I thought we could all do something for her.
Michael: Whose birthday?
George Michael: Maeby’s. I was changing the subject. We— no, yeah, we weren’t talking about Maeby. But she’s been feeling kind of left out of the family lately so I thought maybe we could throw her a surprise party, you know.
Narrator: Actually, he’d already told her about it.
Maeby: Well, I just poured Mom into bed. Would it kill her to let some vodka go bad?
George Michael: Oh, no, vodka doesn’t...
Maeby: You know, it’s my birthday in a week and I bet you they don’t even know. They forget every year. I should just move out.
George Michael: But they’re planning a surprise party for you. They wouldn’t forget your 16th birthday.
Lindsay: Oh, my gosh. Our little girl’s turning 14.
George Michael: 16, actually.
Tobias: Well, I am off to buy the perfect present. Maybe she’d like a suit like this.
Narrator: That is her suit.
Tobias: They probably don’t make it in a woman’s though.
Narrator: They only make it in a woman’s.
Tobias: Well, I’m off, my love.
George Michael: You see, sometimes shame can be fun.
George Michael: Secrets. You said “shame.” He said “shame.”
G.O.B.: How does he know about her?
G.O.B.: Didn’t he say that G.O.B. should be ashamed of himself?
Michael: No, but give it a little while, somebody will.
Michael: What’s all that for?
G.O.B.: It’s for my out-of town act.
Michael: Out of town? G.O.B., the prosecution is watching every move we make.
G.O.B.: Michael, I’m just going to Iraq.
Michael: No, you’re not.
G.O.B.: Yes, I am.
Michael: No, you’re not. Dad is up on treason charges for building homes in Iraq.
G.O.B.: It’s a USO tour.
Michael: You’re not going.
G.O.B.: Yes, I am, and I’m doing my whole Christian magic act that my religion girlfriend helped me work out. I dress up like Jesus, walk on water, which you’ve seen. And I do the wine into water...
Michael: It’s “water into wine.”
G.O.B.: Then I emptied out all your wine bottles and filled them with fake stuff for nothing.
Tobias: Great, how am I supposed to have sex with my husband now?
Michael: G.O.B., we’ve got the depositions, okay? You’re not going to Iraq.
G.O.B.: You’re just jealous that I am the son that the father has asked to do his work in the Holy Land.
Michael: So Dad is behind this.
G.O.B.: And won’t bump me up to business class.
Narrator: Later that day, Tobias met with the prosecutor, Wayne Jarvis.
Tobias: “A flower in my garden, a mystery in my panties.”
Wayne Jarvis: Again, this is not an audition for a CBS show.
Tobias: I was just looking for some feedback.
Wayne Jarvis: It was a little contrived.
Wayne Jarvis: Now, we think we can offer you a good deal if you provide evidence that puts George Bluth behind bars.
Tobias: Well, I’ll tell you what else is contrived, the odds that I would turn on my family for somebody who is not only trying to hurt them, but who wouldn’t know good acting if it marched through the door and gave them headshots and decorative soaps.
Narrator: And as Tobias waited for the elevator, he noticed an interesting flier, promising e perfect gift for the daughter who didn’t feel a part of the family.
Wayne Jarvis: He took the bait.
Cho: He’s a classic scrapbooker.
Wayne Jarvis: Right down to the woman’s suit.
Narrator: And Michael went to confront his father about G.O.B.’s trip to Iraq.
Michael: Everyone knows that you built homes for Saddam Hussein. Please tell me what’s going on.
George, Sr.: For the millionth time, I was a patsy. I’ve got to find a loophole to get out of this, but Buster took coma, and your mother took rehab.
Michael: You’re going to rehab again?
Lucille: I’m bringing Lindsay. I’m worried about her.
Lindsay: Did you get the corkscrew?
Michael: So there’s going to be wine at the rehab, huh?
Lindsay: Well, wine only turns into alcohol if you let it sit.
Michael: How do you come up with these?
Michael: So I guess I’ll just meet with the prosecutor, ask for a postponement, but that means I’m going to have to go on the record about why you two aren’t there. And if you make a liar out of me, we’re in big trouble.
George, Sr.: This constant bickering is going to put me in a coma!
Michael: Nice try, Dad.
Narrator: But Buster was finding his fake coma hard to sustain.
Adelaide: It takes a lot of courage to endure what they put you through. Especially since your mother saw that website.
Narrator: Buster was not only providing medical students a live body to learn on...
Resident: That’s okay. Try again... No, that’s a tendon. He’d be screaming right now.
Buster: (Low moaning.)
Narrator: ...he’d also served as a human canvas for both aspiring beauticians...
Cosmetology Instructor: That’s okay, you put too much collagen in there. No, no, try it again.
Narrator: ...and a much needed set of teeth for a dental program designed to encourage at-risk youths.
Dentist: That’s okay, Turf. No, try again.
Dentist: Oops, you’ve got your forearm right on his windpipe there, Dogbone.
Narrator: It really was amazing for their self-esteem.
Student: I did it.
Narrator: Even Buster was moved. But he endured it all for Adelaide.
Adelaide: I love you, Buster. Oh, what would give to hear you say you love me, too. Even if it meant you’d been faking this whole time. Speak to me. Say anything, my love.
Adelaide: (Gasps.) Faker!
Buster: No, I wasn’t faking my love for you. I just don’t want to testify at my dad’s trial.
Adelaide: Well, you’re a coward!
Adelaide: Adelaide, how could you let this happen again?
Adelaide: I wish you’d come to. Don’t you care about me?
Man #4: Of course I care about you.
Adelaide: Faker! Oh, how could I let this happen to me again?
Adelaide: Take a single step to show me your love, Gary. Faker!
Narrator: She was wrong on that one. It was love that made Gary take that step.
Adelaide: Oh, whoever said vegetables were good for your heart.
Buster: No, no, no. No, please. (Whimpers.) (Cries out.)
Narrator: Of course, he hadn’t used his legs in three weeks. And Michael met with Wayne Jarvis.
Michael: I apologize for the rest of my family not being here. They wanted to testify, but they all have perfectly legal excuses. And I can assure you that no one is hiding.
Wayne Jarvis: Michael, your mother and your sister are not in a rehab center.
Michael: Where are they really?
Wayne Jarvis: We don’t know. But we do know that the two people who checked into Shady Pines under the names Lucille Bluth and Lindsay Fünke are not your relatives. Also, for someone in a coma, your brother Buster has made an impressive 15 phone calls to radio stations alternately requesting “I Will Survive” and... what was the other one?
Cho: “She’s Out Of My Life.”
Wayne Jarvis: “She’s Out Of My Life.”
Wayne Jarvis: As for your brother G.O.B. in the USO...
Michael: Don’t tell me he’s not in Iraq.
Wayne Jarvis: Oh, no, he’s there. In fact, Michael, he’s on the news right now. (Speaking Japanese.)
Newscaster: Are bees better at sniffing out drugs than dogs?
Wayne Jarvis: I’m sure it’s coming right up. They’ve been playing it all day.
Television: ...and they deliver insulin right to my door.
Wayne Jarvis: I’m sure it’s right after this series of ads. It’s like every time you turn on the TV.
Cho: Why don’t we just go on-line?
Wayne Jarvis: Cool your Japanese jets.
Newscaster: An insurgent in Iraq...
Wayne Jarvis: It’s on!
Newscaster: ...from Orange County, California? Why he’s being held in jail, and why he won’t be coming home any time soon.
Wayne Jarvis: And imagine the impact if that had come on right when we turned on the TV.
Narrator: Michael had been called to sign his brother out of the hospital.
Michael: Buster, you can stop pretending to be in a coma. We heard your request on the way over.
Buster: I’m not faking it, Michael. I really am this expressionless. My love thinks I’m a coward just because I was using precious hospital resources to avoid my legal obligation.
Michael: That does say “coward.”
Michael: We’ve got bigger problems. G.O.B. is locked in a prison in Iraq.
George Michael: So he’s actually in an Iraqi prison?
Michael: No, no, it’s U.S.-run. God knows what they’re doing to him.
Michael: Mom and Lindsay are pretending to be in rehab. I can’t get a hold of Dad. And I have to fly to Iraq myself to get G.O.B.
George Michael: Do you have go by yourself?
Buster: Let me go with you. I was trained by Army. I speak the language.
Michael: You speak Arabic?
Michael: What’s that mean?
Buster: No, I was just clearing my throat, but I think it actually does mean “laundry” but like, a child’s laundry. We don’t really have a word for it.
Buster: But this is exactly what need to prove to my love that I’m a hero, not a coward. And I have my uniform here. Mother brought it for the photo shoot.
George Michael: But would you be back in time for Maeby’s surprise party?
Michael: Probably not. We’ll do something when I get back, okay? Now why don’t you go ahead and drive the staircar home and Buster and I’ll leave from here.
George Michael: Well, be careful
Michael: Hey. Who’s tougher than us?
Buster: Close one.
Narrator: The depositions had been delayed, but the prosecution was about to get a Lord & Taylor bag full of evidence.
Detective Munch: We supply the glitter, the glue, the crepe paper and the ready-made template pages for you to decorate and fill out with... “My Favorite Birthday,” “Foreign Bank Statements,” and of course, “Shh! Family Secrets.”
Narrator: The scrapbooking sting had helped the D.A. gather evidence against people as diverse as Ken Lay, ... Oliver North, ... but ironically not Martha Stewart.
Detective Munch: So dig up whatever you can and remember, photocopies are not admissible as memories.
Tobias: Uh, sir, I’m going to have to go or our old family storage unit in Reseda.
Detective Munch: No problem. We can arrange for a helicopter to take you there right now.
Tobias: Wow, this is the best free scrapbooking class I’ve ever taken.
Narrator: Meanwhile Lindsay and Lucille were at a spa in the desert avoiding both rehab and their depositions.
Lucille: Four saunas, three steam baths, Olympic-sized pool and you’re telling me there’s alcohol? What the hell are we supposed to do for two days?
Lindsay: I could take the top off this grape juice and maybe by morning...
Lucille: Oh, for God’s sake, Lindsay, grow up. You’re 40 years old.
Lindsay: Well, maybe this will be nice. We can talk... and connect a little.
Lucille: I must have a Xanax.
Lindsay: I’ll go score some weed from the staff.
Narrator: And Michael and Buster checked out of the hospital.
Buster: I can’t believe they wouldn’t even give me a wheelchair ride.
Michael: We’re going to be sitting on a plane for 18 hours to Iraq.
Buster: Yeah, I should definitely get one for the airport.
Adelaide: You’re going to Iraq?
Buster: Yes, I’m going to save my brother.
Adelaide: Oh, so you are brave after all. Fighting for your brother. Oh, Buster, you’re such a bleep.
Michael: That means she likes you.
Adelaide: It’s more than like. I’d give anything to have you stay here.
Buster: Well, then I will stay here. I was scared to go anyway.
Adelaide: Faker! I knew you were no good.
Buster: Than I shall go— to forget you.
Adelaide: Oh, Buster, don’t go.
Buster: I don’t want to go.
Michael: I’m going to save everybody a lot of trouble and say that we are going. He is going. Come on, here we go.
Buster: When I miss your lips, I’ll put a fig in my mouth and think of you. They have figs over there, right?
Adelaide: I’ll wait for you.
Adelaide: What’s this?
EMT: Cabdriver said he went into a coma as soon as they pulled up to the hospital.
Adelaide: Oh, what a brave man.
Narrator: And soon the Bluth boys found themselves in a strange land.
Buster: (Shouting in Arabic.)
Iraqi Cab Driver: (Shouting in Arabic.)
Michael: What did he say? Where are we?
Buster: He said he’s taking surface streets to LAX because the freeway’s backed up all the way to Knott’s Berry Farm.
Narrator: George Michael meanwhile got a hold of Maeby’s address book to invite all of her friends to her Sweet 16. He did however, decide against some guests he found threatening.
George Michael: I don’t think Steve Holt has to come to this.
Narrator: And yet he did invite Mickey Rourke.
Narrator: And the guys finally did get to Iraq. But Buster’s Arabic was a little rusty and instead of a cab he hired them the only rickshaw in Baghdad.
Buster: So you ready for Operation Hot Brother?
Michael: I’m not ready to call it that.
Narrator: And they arrived at the prison the Americans were training Iraqis to run.
US Soldier: What did you forget? Walk them through the...? The what?
Iraqi Soldier: The metal detector.
US Soldier: That’s okay. Try again.
G.O.B.: My God, you came!
Michael: Okay, okay.
G.O.B.: Oh, I missed you, Michael!
Michael: All right.
G.O.B.: Or should I say robot.
Michael: What, ’cause’m not crying?
G.O.B.: Maybe you don’t have enough RAM to understand this, Michael, but there’s such a thing as brotherly love.
G.O.B.: What’s he doing here? I thought he was in a coma.
Buster: I was trying to prove to this nurse that I’m brave. I need to get a picture of you with the insurgent. I can send it on my phone.
Michael: Why were you arrested by the Americans?
G.O.B.: I was just doing a little off-mission street magic. Trying to make a few dinars.
G.O.B.: And that is why Jesus was often referred to as the King of Kings. Queens. The King of Queens.
G.O.B.: And now I would like to behold one of the late great Jesus’ biggest illusions, The Burning Bush.
Crowd: (Chanting.) Burn Bush, burn Bush, burn Bush, burn Bush...
Narrator: But soon the becurity forces arrived to suppress what now appeared to be an anti-American demonstration.
Crowd: Burn Bush, burn Bush...
American MP: That’s okay, use your foot. The thigh bruises. What doesn’t? Try again.
Michael: So you weren’t doing anything for Dad?
G.O.B.: Well, Dad... I mean, he had said if I happened to be in the neighborhood of Sadr City or Momoon, would I mind torching a couple model homes. But you know, Dad’s just trying to keep information out of the hands of the Iraqis.
Michael: I have a feeling he was trying to keep information out of the hands of the federal marshals.
G.O.B.: I’m going to go collect my things and say my good-byes. You guys check me out of here.
Michael: G.O.B., you’re an enemy combatant. It’s not going to be that easy. I mean, I’ll talk to them, but you might want to prepare for a long stay.
G.O.B.: Oh, shoot, I forgot to say good-bye to Yousef.
Michael: That was a lot easier than I expected. Almost too easy.
G.O.B.: Hey, why aren’t we going to the airport?
Michael: Well, I want to go check out this house Dad asked you to burn down. See what he’s hiding. (To cab driver.) I think that’s it, sir.
Buster: (Makes Arabic-like sounds.)
Michael: Buster, this guy speaks English.
Buster: Oh, no. I swallowed a moth.
Richard Shaw: I’m sorry it took so long, but the Cheney Expressway was backed up all the way to Halliburton Road.
Michael: Let’s see what all the mystery is about, huh?
Narrator: And that’s when Michael found someone the U.S. government had been able to depose.
Buster: Take my picture! Take my picture!
Narrator: Michael was in Iraq when he came across a familiar face.
Michael: Easy on that for a second. Are you, uh...?
Saddam: I am Saddam Hussein. Look-alike. Who are you?
Michael: I’m Michael Bluth. These are my brothers, Buster and G.O.B. Bluth.
Saddam #2: Bluth? Is he here to fix the air-conditioning?
Michael: Are you both Saddam Hussein look-alikes?
Saddam #4: Hardly. Invite them in.
Saddam: I am behaving like an Uday look-alike.
Saddam #2: Come on in. Come on in, guys.
Michael: I’d always heard that there were Saddam Hussein look-alikes. I guess I’m just a little surprised to see you all living here in one house that looks so similar to ours.
G.O.B.: :Scar on that one dude’s forehead’s got to be a problem.
Saddam: That’s Achmed. Never stops watching the trial. We are all following it pretty closely.
Michael: I understand. They put this guy away you guys are out of a job, huh?
Saddam #4: Yes, and we wanted to keep the house for just one more season.
Saddam #2: I have a baby on the way.
Saddam #3: I do a better Saddam than this guy. My Saddam would show his teeth.
Saddam #4: Yes, to chew the scenery.
Narrator: And so Michael decided the least he could do was take a look at the air-conditioning. But before he did, he decided to see if there was a secret room in this model home as well. And that’s when Michael discovered the bombshell.
Narrator: And back at the American model home, none of the invitees had showup for Maeby’s party.
George Michael: Surprise.
Maeby: Yeah, that’s what I figured. So, did you send one of these to everyone in my address book?
George Michael: Yeah. I’m really sorry they didn’t come. I don’t know what happened.
Maeby: I do. They found out I was 16.
Narrator: And a lot of us just didn’t want to drive down to Orange County.
George Michael: What are you talking about?
Maeby: This cost me my job, George Michael. I was a studio executive. I made movies.
George Michael: Well, is that why you’ve been so stressed out all the time?
Maeby: Have I been? You know what, I’m a kid. I’m going to start acting like one.
George Michael: What, you’re going to drink?
Maeby: Do you want to join me?
George Michael: Well, I guess if you can run a studio.
Narrator: But they didn’t know it was the fake wine from G.O.B.’s magic show.
George Michael: It’s good.
Narrator: And back in Iraq...
G.O.B.: What is this?
Buster: Looks like a mid-range nuclear warhead. Has a range capacity of 4,000 to 5,000 nautical miles.
Michael: You’ve got a pretty sophisticated knowledge of this technology.
G.O.B.: My God, it makes me want to have an ice-cream cone. Doesn’t this make you want to have an ice-cream cone?
Buster: It does make me want to have an ice-cream cone.
Richard Shaw: You’ll have plen of time for ice cream in prison. Ice cream sandwiches. CIA undercover.
Michael: CIA. Of course. This explains why it was so easy to get you out of prison.
Richard Shaw: I knew that if he got out he would lead us right to whatever your dad was hiding.
Narrator: They’d even created opportunities for this to happen.
three days earlier...
Prison Guard: Get in the cell, stupid.
G.O.B.: You... you... you’re the one who didn’t even shut the door. Come on!
two days earlier...
G.O.B.: Yeah, you guys can run this place without us. As soon as you stop dropping your keys. Come on!
one day earlier...
Narrator: They’d even staged something called an honor marathon they thought he was sure to take advantage of.
G.O.B.: Come on.
Richard Shaw: We’ve been looking for WMD’s for years.
Saddam #4: WMD’s? This thing is as fake as Achmed’s mustache. See?
Michael: Yeah, look, it’s a Homefill. It’s the company that makes the fake stuff we fill the model homes with.
Richard Shaw: What the hell?
Michael: What is that, a recording device?
Richard Shaw: This is our stuff. Okay, I got to call this in.
Michael: Buster, please.
Baker: Baker. No, it doesn’t sound like CIA East. I’ll check with CIA West. Did we bug a house in Mamoon?
Tango: Yeah. We got some guy named George Bluth to build houses down there so we could wire them.
Richard Shaw: (Sighs.)
George Michael: Look, I’m Uncle Buster.
George Michael: I’m sorry no one from the family came.
Maeby: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t even part of the family.
George Michael: No, don’t... no... I’ve never wanted to say this... but you might not even be related to us.
George Michael: ’Cause Gangee once said to me, your mom might not have ever even been pregnant with you.
Maeby: Okay, now you’re just saying that to make me feel better.
George Michael: No, I’m... I wouldn’t. Everyone still loves you. Some more than others.
Narrator: And perhaps it was the fake wine, but that was the night George Michael and Maeby went to second base.
Michael: So my dad was a patsy?
Richard Shaw: We call them “unintentional operations victims,” but yes. We ran the whole operation through a British building company.
Michael: And they contacted my dad for the plans. I can’t believe it— after all of that he wasn’t lying.
Richard Shaw: Look, we feel terrible because this is really our mistake. But I’m afraid I’m going to have to take you guys out.
Michael: Take us out?
G.O.B.: I could really go for some Italian.
Saddam #2: There is an Olive Garden in Mamoon.
Saddam #4: I think he means to shoot you in the head. But please, at least let him look at the air-conditioning.
Michael: Sir, if you’re worried about us talking, we will not say a word.
Buster: Well, don’t be mad, but I have been sending the pictures from my cell phone to my friend.
Michael: He doesn’t not know what he’s saying... (To Buster.) You have?
Michael: Well, who knows who she sent them to?
Richard Shaw: Yeah. Yeah, I get it.
Michael: Looks like you are a hero, Buster.
G.O.B.: We both are.
Richard Shaw: Okay, looks like you got us. What can the U.S. government do for you?
G.O.B.: We’re going to need some business class tickets home. And direct flights. None of this stopping in Phoenix bull bleep.
Michael: And more importantly, maybe we can drop some of these treason charges against my father.
Buster: And I do believe there was some mention of some ice cream.
Narrator: And so, with Operation Hot Brother a success, Our American heroes left Iraq.
Buster: Take Condoleeza Rice Lane. It’s quicker.
Narrator: Mission accomplished.
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Tobias gives his daughter the gift he’d stayed up all night making...
Tobias: And here’s a picture of your mother pregnant. And here’s a whole series of your head starting to crown. Look at you— so full of wonder and shock. You still do it. And so does he! Boy, you guys really are related.
Narrator: ... and Michael and G.O.B. make an interesting discovery.
Saddam: You’ve got the wrong guy. The real Saddam has a scar on his head. I’m no scar. I’m No scar.
Michael: Oh, my God.
Saddam: Dot com.