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|Season Three, Episode Three|
Narrator: Michael Bluth and his family were meeting with their new attorney.
Bob Loblaw: Look, this is not the first time I’ve been brought in to replace Barry Zuckerkorn. I think I can do for you everything he did. Plus, skew younger. With juries and so forth. Any other questions?
Lindsay: Yes. How can you be even cuter in person than you are in your ads?
- Cutaway: Bob Loblaw’s commercial
Man on Television: Are you a CEO, CFO or other executive facing these or similar charges? Why should you go to jail for a crime someone else noticed? You don’t need double-talk.
Bob Loblaw: You need Bob Loblaw.
Man on Television: Bob Loblaw, no habla español.
- End cutaway
Michael: Well, we’re not here to talk nonsense to Bob Loblaw. We need to find out if the government has a good case against us. There was a lot of proof that my father was building houses in Iraq.
Bob Loblaw: Well, your father claims he was put up to it by a British syndicate. And you’ve been threatened, isn’t that correct?
Narrator: It was.
- Cutaway:</span> flashback
Caption: one week earlier...
Trevor: How would you like someone going after some stupid person in your family? Now back off, you bleeping ponce!
- End cutaway
Michael: It’s been a week. Nothing’s happened.
Larry: Yeah, but you’re not the one stuck under house arrest like a sitting duck.
Michael: Oh, yeah, that’s my father. That’s why we had the meeting here— so that he couldn’t interfere.
Larry: Interfere? I ought to pull down your pants and spank your ass raw.
Michael: I’m sorry. Have we met?
Bob Loblaw: Oh, yes, this Larry Middleman. He’s your father’s surrogate.
Larry: That’s right, you dumb bleep.
George, Sr.: I hired this guy to wear a camera in his hat so he could be my eyes and ears while I’m stuck in this penthouse.
Larry: This camera helps me keep tabs on you idiots, while this thing rubs my ankle raw.
George, Sr.: I mean, look at this thing...
Larry: ... I can’t even go in the hallway ...
George, Sr.: ... without hearing that ...
Larry: ... beep, beep, beep.
Bob Loblaw: That’s one of my partners. Excuse me.
Lindsay: I would like to be one of your partners. Do you think he got that— the two meanings?
Michael: He’s running pretty fast. I think he did.
Lindsay: Well, he was flirting earlier, I’ll tell you that.
Lindsay: Just so you know... I’m looking to get divorced. Are you interested?
Bob Loblaw: Yes. (To stenographer) Let’s call that a half hour.
Lindsay: So you’re not the only one who’s got a date later.
G.O.B.: You’ve got a date?
Michael: Her name’s Rita. She teaches children at a private school and we’re just having lunch.
G.O.B.: Oh, lunch? Well, better bring some dog food. ’Cause all the girls you date are dogs, and... dogs love dog food, right, Pop?
Larry: Shut up, you idiot. I’m trying to watch the game.
G.O.B.: I was trying to make you laugh, Dad. That’s all I ever wanted.
Michael: You know, G.O.B., she’s not a dog. It’s the just opposite, actually. She’s exquisitely beautiful. She’s fun, carefree, smart, full of surprises.
Narrator: Including the fact that she was working with this man— who was currently dropping her off for her date.
Trevor: All this fun and carefree act is only going to fool him for so long.
Rita: I’m a big girl.
Trevor: Yeah. Well, if he finds out what you really are he might not make things so simple for you. Rita, don’t forget your hat.
Michael: I know, might be too good for me.
Lindsay: How do you think I feel? Bob Loblaw’s a handsome, professional man and I’m only used to... well, none of those things.
Tobias: Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over— an analyst and a therapist. The world’s first analrapist.
Lindsay: Yes, and you were almost arrested for those business cards.
Tobias: Yes. No, it did not look good on paper but I didn’t stop because of the police inquiries, I stopped to raise our little daughter. But since we have both started to grow hair in unexpected places, I suppose I shall soon be working as a leading man. And she may soon start dating.
Narrator: Maeby had already started dating.
Maeby: All right, see you tomorrow night.
George Michael: Another date with Steve Holt?
Maeby: Yeah. We’re getting pretty serious.
Narrator: They weren’t. She was just avoiding her real crush on George Michael.
Maeby: That Steve sure knows how to please a lady.
George Michael: Good. I was hoping he would be gifted sexually. I guess it makes sense, you know, older guys expect certain things.
Maeby: They do?
George Michael: What a fun, sexy time for you.
Bob Loblaw: I’d be very careful of these British people. They’re going to try to get their hands on any evidence they can to hurt the family.
George, Sr.: So you’re saying shred the evidence?
Bob Loblaw: No, that’s illegal. The prosecution is entitled to that evidence. Without it, they don’t have a case.
George, Sr.: So you’re saying shred the evidence?
Bob Loblaw: That’s a felony. And I certainly couldn’t endorse anything like that.
George, Sr.: Got ya. Wink.
Larry: Wink. Did you say “wink” or did you wink?
Michael: He said that, too, Dad.
Bob Loblaw: We’ll talk soon, folks. Thank you.
Larry: Where you going? Where is the surrogate going? Stay there. I want to see what he’s going to say. Don’t leave.
G.O.B.: See you, Pop.
Michael: Look. G.O.B., instead of trying to impress your fake father, maybe you should spend some time with your real son.
G.O.B.: Steve Holt’s not my son.
George Michael: Steve Holt? What, the moron jock?
G.O.B.: That’s my son, you pothead.
Michael: Hey, hey, hey, that’s my son.
George Michael: Wait, so that means that Steve Holt is my cousin? And Maeby’s cousin, too?
Michael: I guess.
Michael: Shoot, I’m late for my date.
G.O.B.: At the kennel. Right. Sorry. You lobbed that one right over the plate, Michael. Home run.
Narrator: And Michael hurried to the British section Orange County for his date.
Voices: ...American! Get out of the road.
Narrator: Only to find that Rita had chosen Wee Britain’s one American-themed restaurant.
Michael: Oh, hello. I’m sorry I’m late.
Rita: Oh, no bother. I’ve been having such fun on this space shuttle.
Michael: Strike one, huh? Shall we go ahead and sit down?
Waiter #6: (In a Texas-British accent) Hey, dudes, I’ll get you a couple of 64-ounce colas to wash down this basket of doughnut and get your nachos started.
Michael: I guess this is what the British think of Americans. They like our food.
Rita: Whatever do you mean?
Michael: Yeah. Uh... you ow, Rita, you’re going to figure this out eventually, but I have not been on a date in a long, long time.
Rita: (Muffled) Neither have I.
Michael: I wonder why? No, I bet men ask you out constantly.
Rita: Not men like you. I seem to only meet little boys.
Michael: Part of that might be that you spend your day at a preschool.
Rita: And they think the stupidest things are funny.
Michael: Yeah, that’s a cultural problem, is what it is. You know, your average American male is in perpetual state of adoscence, you know, arrested development.
Narrator: Hey, that’s the name of the show.
Michael: No attention span. You know, can’t even carry on a typical con...
Narrator: Michael thought he spotted the man who’d threatened him earlier.
Rita: I’m getting back on the space shuttle.
Michael: No, no, no. Sorry, sor. Sit, please. Let’s talk about you. Tell me about your family.
Rita: No. They’re pushy, bossy, want to control me. What about your family? I’d love to meet your family.
Narrator: Michael knew from experience that this would not turn out well.
G.O.B.: If you like the small, why don’t you come back for the medium?
Michael: I probably should warn you about my mother...
Marta 3.0: Hi.
Lucille: Let’s start behind the fridge.
- End cutaway
Narrator: So he came up with a solution so simple, he’d wondered why he’d never told anyone it before.
Michael: I don’t have a family. I can’t believe I’ve never told anybody that before.
Rita: That’s so sad.
Michael: Yes,that’s sad. Super sad. Shall we eat?
Narrator: Michael had started a relationship by lying about the existence of his family.
Michael: I think this went really well, huh? Maybe sometime we can have dinner?
Rita: Could I see your house?
Narrator: Michael was caught off guard by the question.
- Cutaway: the ‘Barbara’ shot from above
Michael: No, no, I-I can’t do that.
Rita: Okay, bye-bye.
Michael: Uh... bye.
Narrator: And he vow not to be caught off guard again.
Michael: I didn’t mean that we... Oof!
Trevor: So did he invite you over, then?
Rita: Not yet, but he will.
Narrator: So, Michael went back to work.
Michael: Hey, who brought in the...? G.O.B., you can’t shred this evidence. You’ll end up in jail.
G.O.B.: Dad told me to. How can I say no to that face?
Michael: Get this stuff out of here, and put it somewhere where Dad can’t get to it. Are you in on this, too?
Lucille: No, I’m just here to go out to lunch with your father.
Man on Television: The man said he’s never felt more free in his life.
Man: I’m like a bird up there...
Buster: Ah, did you tell him about my medal?
Michael: Medal? What for?
Lucille: Oh, who knows what they were saying?
Army Sergeant: (Speaking very fast) ...private citizenship and hereby reenlist in the armed services of the United States of America? If you agree with this, say thank you.
Buster: Thank you. Wow. I have so many people to thank.
Army Sergeant: Private, step forward.
Lucille: It’s probably because a seal bit off his hand. The army has taken to giving medals for being food.
Narrator: And just then...
Television: Wow! Look at him go tied to that deck chair!
George, Sr.: It’s so simple. My ankle monitor...
Larry: ...only goes off when go out the front or. We need balloons. A party.
George, Sr.: We need to throw a party...
Larry: ...for Buster’s stupid thing. Larry, go get go get some balloons.
Narrator: And Michael found a way get Rita to his house after all.
Michael: That’s a great idea. Honor Buster tomorrow night. We’ll get the whole family over to the penthouse, show him our support.
Lucille: Well, I suppose it’s better than drinking alone. What time?
Michael: It doesn’t matter to me. I can’t be there. I’ve got a date with Rita.
Buster: Well, Mom’s probably right. I couldn’t even stand up to a seal. I don’t real deserve a medal or a party.
Tobias: No, you deserve this. Here, take my business card.
Tobias: No, no, it’s pronounced ah-NAL-rah-pist.
Buster: It wasn’t really the pronunciation that bothered me.
Tobias: You see, Buster, it wasn’t the seal that you couldn’t stand up to. It was... Lucille.
Tobias: (Gasps) Oh, I’m getting chills. If this was a Lifetime Moment of Truth movie, this would be our act break.
Narrator: But it wasn’t.
Narrator: And later Lindsay was on the phone with Bob Loblaw.
Lindsay: The thing about Tobias— that he’s never fulfilled me sexually.
Bob Loblaw: Can you catalog for me the various ways you’ve been promised to be fulfilled whether or not said promise was made explicit?
Lindsay: You want me to be explicit?
Bob Loblaw: Yes, but I will be needing to get off in four minutes.
Lindsay: Well, let’s see if I can’t hit that target for you.
Narrator: The next day on the way pick up Rita, Michael stopped by his house to make sure there were no signs of his family only to discover there was nothing but.
Michael: What the hell is all this?
Buster: Oh, G.O.B. brought all this stuff in.
Michael: And, Mom, what is with all the family photos?
Tobias: Oh, I’m teaching Buster to stand up for himself. I’m surrogating your mother.
Michael: By wearing her sealskin coat?
Tobias: Michael, I have tried on everything, and nothing seems be working.
Buster: I thought the Donna Karan worked; you just didn’t have the right shoes.
Michael: Look, I’ve got to get rid of any evidence of my family and quickly— including you guys. Get out of here.
Tobias: See, now that’s how you stand up to Mother.
Narrator: Meanwhile, worried about Steve Holt’s sexual expectations, Maeby tried to cancel her date.
Maeby: My whole family and I now have to go to my grandma’s house, ’cause my uncle lost his hand.
Steve Holt: Awesome! So you and I can party alone at your house.
Narrator: Maeby was too young to know what to do. Ironically, in her after-school job as a movie studio executive, she’d just green-lit two films that dealt with that very issue.
- Cutaway: shot of two scripts, Losing It! by Judd Apacow, renamed The 14-Year-Old Virgin and The Sexual Assault of Abigail F. by Kallie Korrie renamed Losing It!
Maeby: Rock the house.
Steve Holt: All right.
Narrator: George Michael also didn’t know what to do. If he pointed out that the two were cousins to drive them apart, he might be burning the very bridge that he one day hoped to cross.
Steve Holt: George Michael. I’m doing your cousin tonight.
George Michael: So are you.
Steve Holt: What?
George Michael: She’s your cousin, too.
Narrator: Back at the penthouse, party preparations were underway.
Lucille: He’s not wearing that to the party. I’ve got the exact same thing.
Buster: No, he was just analraping me. Then Michael barged in, and kicked us out so he could shred all the evidence.
Lucille: Shred the evidence?
George, Sr.: Thought he didn’t want us to do that.
G.O.B.: He didn’t want us to get into trouble. He’s taking the heat.
Lindsay: He’s doing that for us? And on the night of his date with Rita.
Lucille: Who he didn’t want to bring over here. Probably because, let’s face it, you people haven’t been great with the others.
G.O.B.: Well, in our defense, Mom, we’re not exactly dog people.
Lindsay: We have got to start being nicer.
Lucille: I’m starting right now. Buster, the party’s not for you anymore. It’s a “Welcome Rita” party.
Lindsay: I know where she works. We can pick her up and surprise her.
Buster: You’re so right. This is better an a party for me.
Tobias: Come on. Grow a pair.
George, Sr.: You know, need some weather balloons for this party and maybe a tank of hydrogen. You know, really float those suckers.
Narrator: Meanwhile, Michael was hiding the evidence wherever he could when he heard from his brother.
G.O.B.: (On answering machine) Hey, friend! G.O.B. here. We really want you at the party. We’re really nice now, and God, we love you.
Michael: Oh, damn it.
Narrator: And the family picked up Rita in the only vehicle big enough to hold them all.
Lindsay: Hey, excuse me, Rita.
Rita: I’m Rita.
Lindsay: We’re here to pick you up for Michael. You can just go in the cabin.
Lucille: Oh, he’s not here. We’re his family.
Rita: His family?
G.O.B.: We’re nice.
Rita: I’m sorry. I have to leave.
Lucille: Oh, no, you can’t leave. Drive, Lindsay.
G.O.B.: We’re doing this for Michael.
Lucille: Stop her, Buster.
Buster: What am I supposed to do?
Lucille: Stop her!
Buster: Stop yelling at me!
Rita: I’m leaving!
Narrator: And that’s when Buster noticed the seal on Rita’s backpack.
Tobias: Hey, talk about cathartic. Now that’s an act break.
Narrator: Buster had overcome his fear of seals. Unfortunately, he’d done so by knocking out Michael’s new girlfriend.
Lucille: What the hell did you do?
Buster: You curious, Mom? I can show you.
Lucille: You made a mistake. You’re human except for the hand.
G.O.B.: It’s okay, she’s alive. And soft. Soft and alive.
Lucille: All right, let’s not add that to the charges. What do we do? She’s going to tell Michael. And he won’t hear the good stuff. He’ll just hear about the beating.
G.O.B.: Wait! Maybe we can give her a Forget-Me-Now. (Singsong.) Here you go, hot dog. Take the pill.
Lucille: What’s a Forget-Me-Now?
G.O.B.: They’re pills that create a sort of temporary forgettingness. So if somebody finds out how you do a trick, you just give ’em one of these, and they forget the whole thing. It’s a mainstay of the magician’s toolkit, like how clowns always have a rag soaked in ether.
Tobias: G.O.B., this is Flunitrazepam. It’s a roofie.
Lucille: Those are illegal.
G.O.B.: Shut up, Mom. Don’t make me give you another one of these. Lindsay, help me! Three!
Narrator: Back at the house, Michael finished his work and now late, rushed to pick up Rita. Moments later, Maeby prepared to tell Steve she wasn’t ready for romance.
Maeby: Well, this sends a mixed message.
Narrator: Just as Steve showed up to call things off with his cousin.
Steve Holt: You did all this for me?
Maeby: Yes, well, I’m going to go get sexy.
Narrator: And Michael missed Rita.
Michael: Damn it. Strike two.
Cut to the penthouse
Lucille: Take it down. We don’t want anything in this use that says “Rita.”
Michael: (On answering phone.) Hi, it’s Michael. I will be coming to the party because I love you, too.
Lucille: Okay, we need a new banner.
Narrator: And that’s when Michael found Rita.
Rita: Why am I on a bus bench, Michael?
Michael: I get it; because I’m late. I’m sorry, but the rest of the night’s going to be all about you, I promise. Great, great. I am going to have to make one quick stop. Maybe you can just wait in the car. It’s just going to be two seconds, I promise.
Narrator: And so Michael raced up to pay his quick respect to Buster.
George, Sr.: Ah, there he is, my favorite son.
Tobias: Everybody’s favorite son!
G.O.B.: Mr. Wonderful!
Michael: I had a great time. I wish I could have stayed longer. It was a great party, huh? Tell Buster I stopped by, please. I do have to leave, though.
Lucille: Oh, no, no. The party is not for Buster anymore.
Lindsay: No, Michael, it’s for you.
G.O.B.: Take a look at banner, Michael!
Michael: You guys did all of this for me? “Family love...”
Narrator: Everyone froze. Michael feared he’d been caught in a lie about his family. His family feared they’d been caught by a woman they clubbed, drugged and left on a bench. It was awkward.
Lucille: Who’s this?
Buster: Mother! Mother! This is from Army. I have to report for duty tomorrow. It says by accepting this medal, I was reenlisting.
Lucille: I didn’t hear them say that.
Narrator: Perhaps if the sergeant had spoken more slowly she would have.
- Cutaway: flashback with slow motion replay
Army Sergeant: In acceptance of this medal, you proudly waive all rights to private citizenship and hereby reenlist in the armed services of the Unites States of America. If you agree with this, say thank you.
Buster: (Speaking very slowly) Than-nk... you.
- End cutaway
Buster: What am I going to do? I can’t go back there. I’ve never been.
Rita: Who are these people?
Michael: This is my family.
Rita: No. No, I don’t like these people.
Michael: Me, you mean. She means me, because I lied about having a family because I was embarrassed by them. And I’m ashamed of that.
Rita: I have to leave.
Michael: Strike three.
Lindsay: You said you didn’t have a family?
G.O.B.: Everybody’s favorite son.
Tobias: Mr. Terrible.
Lucille: And her, too good for us? Huh! Buster, you should have finished the job. Job? What job? Did I say job? I meant G.O.B.
G.O.B.: Buster’s the one that hit her! I just gave her the roofie.
Michael: You beat and drugged Rita?
G.O.B.: Take this and love us again!
Michael: No, no! No, no, G.O.B.!
G.O.B.: No, Just take it!
Michael: Um, I’m leaving, too.
Lucille: Well, no good deed goes unpunished.
Tobias: Oh, look, it’s not all bad. I-I got Buster feeling better about his medal.
Buster: Not anymore. I’m getting rid of this thing. It has caused me nothing but pride and self-respect!
Narrator: Buster went to get rid of the medal he finally felt he deserved, but it was exactly when George, Sr. was making his escape.
George, Sr.: Farewell to you all!
Narrator: But it turns out that hydrogen is more explosive than helium.
Narrator: And George Michael came home to find an unconscious Steve Holt.
George Michael: What have you guys been doing?
Maeby: I gave him a roofie. A girl’s got to grow up sometime.
George Michael: He’s your cousin.
Maeby: My cousin?
George Michael: I should have told you that. Now you’ve drugged him and had your way with him. How is that even possible?
Maeby: No, George Michael, we didn’t do anything. I just wanted him to think we did. Don’t you see? I drugged him not to go all the way with him.
George Michael: Well, I think even the anti-drug people are going to be okay with that.
Maeby: Well, let’s get his pants back on.
George Michael: You took his pants off?
Narrator: And Michael tried to salvage the remains of the files from the car fire.
Lindsay: You call the attorney?
Michael: Yeah, I sure did, but he’s not taking our calls because apparently the retainer’s all used up.
Lindsay: He took my call. He’s very good.
Michael: Yeah, that’s how the retainer got eaten up, okay? The secretary took it all down here on the transcript.
Lindsay: She’s very good, too.
Michael: I’m not paying for this.
Lindsay: Well, what am I supposed to do?
Michael: I don’t know, Lindsay. The thing you say on page seven looks like it could be worth some money.
G.O.B.: Speaking to me yet?
Michael: It’s only been an hour. You know, here, here’s what I don’t understand. What were you guys doing with Rita in the first place?
G.O.B.: We just wanted to do something nice for you, Michael, because you do so much for us. I guess we screwed it up.
Michael: Well I screwed it up because I was trying to impress her and let’s face it, she’s probably too good for me.
G.O.B.: No. What you need to do is go to her and ask for another chance. She’d be lucky to have you, Michael.
Michael: Thanks, G.O.B. Sometimes you do surprise me.
G.O.B.: I’ve got one more surprise for you. (As Franklin) / It ain’t easy being whi...
Narrator: And Michael did try again with Rita, but this time, determined to keep no secrets.
Michael: I, uh, I want to tell you everything if, if you’re willing to listen.
Rita: I’m a very good listener.
Michael: Great. We’ll start with the misdemeanors and then we’re going to push right on through to the lighter treasons. So, 1983, uh...
caption: the end
caption: but Michael Bluth will return in “Notapusy”
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Lindsay tries to work off her debt with Bob Loblaw...
Lindsay: I’m willing to debase myself.
Bob Loblaw: Get a maid’s uniform and come by my house around 7:00.
Lindsay: There is no way to misinterpret that.
Narrator: Except the one. ... and a traumatized Steve Holt needs a father.
Steve Holt: I’ve made a huge mistake.
G.O.B.: I know the feeling. I had you. I’m your father, Steve Holt! I can’t hide from it anymore.
Steve Holt: I won’t forget this... Dad.
G.O.B.: (Popping roofie) I will. I will.