|Season Two, Episode Four|
"Good Grief" was written by John Levenstein
Narrator: Michael was adjusting to his new position as Vice President, which meant doing the work of the President, his brother G.O.B.
G.O.B.: So, did you see the new Poof?
Michael: His name’s Gary. And we don’t need any more lawsuits, okay?
G.O.B.: No, I was talking about the magazine.
G.O.B.: Wait, Gary’s gay?
G.O.B.: Uh-oh. He’s going to think I was coming on to him.
G.O.B.: You’ve got a nice mouth.
G.O.B.: I’d kill for that ass.
G.O.B.: Okay, the chair’s not doing it now, but lately it’s been giving out as soon as I lean back.
G.O.B.: Anyway, I was talking about Poof magazine. The magazine for magicians.
G.O.B.: Look, this guy Tony Wonder bakes himself into a loaf of bread, and then pops out of a giant sandwich to feed the troops. I had that idea ten months ago.
Michael: You had that idea?
G.O.B.: Well, basically. I was going to boil myself alive into a chowder and then be ladled into a giant cauldron to entertain and feed the firemen.
Michael: It’s pretty close.
G.O.B.: I should be in this Poof!
Michael: Michael Bluth.
Lucille: He found him. Ice found your father.
Narrator: Michael had recently hired a bounty hunter to track down his fugitive father.
Michael: What? Where?
Lucille: He’s coming over here at 5:00 to tell us, but he wants to get paid first.
Michael: Oh, Dad goes back to jail, I can be cleared, I could be President again.
G.O.B.: And I’m halfway to getting out of this office and into a steaming bowl of soup.
Michael: Everybody wins.
Lucille: Oscar, close it! You look like the window of a butcher shop. Thank God, I can finally get rid of him.
Michael: I’ll see you at 5:00, Mom.
Narrator: Michael then headed down to the frozen banana stand where his son was supposed to be working.
Ann: It just seems like every time we want to be together, your father...
Michael: Hey, guys. What’s going on? Why is the banana stand closed?
George Michael: Oh, Ann came to see me, so I thought I’d take a little break. Can we talk about this later?
Michael: Sure, no problem. Just... let’s keep the phone on, okay, pal? Great. Hey, you!
Ann: See? That’s a perfect example of how your father always interrupt...
George Michael: I’m sorry. Hello?
Michael: Hey, buddy, they found your grandfather. That’s what I wanted to tell you.
George Michael: Yeah, that’s great.
Michael: I didn’t want to say that before when you were talking to Egg.
George Michael: I’m actually still talking with Ann.
Michael: Oh, she’s still going, huh? All right, great. Listen. I’ll talk to you later. I’m very excited.
George Michael: That’s good.
Ann: I think we should break up.
Narrator: The bounty hunter meanwhile was eager to impress the family attorney.
Barry: I cannot believe that you made these.
Narrator: Indeed, Ice had always bounty hunted to support his first love: party planning. And Lindsay was still hoping to score a date with him.
Lindsay: I don’t suppose you’d be interested in catering an “affair” with me.
Ice: Well, when you get a full guest list, let me know.
Lindsay: Why can’t I do this anymore?
Maeby: That’s got to bother you, huh, Dad? I mean, she’s flirting right in front of you.
Tobias: Hmm? Oh. No. I am surprised, though, that she’s going after somebody so similar to my own type, hmm. But I suppose we all do expose our inner desires, don’t we?
Maeby: I think you just did.
Tobias: No, I didn’t.
Maeby: Is there any way I can divorce them?
Barry: Oh, sure. It’s called emancipation. But you’ve got to prove that you’re living in an unstable environment.
Maeby: Both my parents are trying to have affairs. Of course they haven’t succeeded yet.
Barry: If they do, I could have you out of this house, on the street in a month.
Narrator: Soon Michael arrived and Ice began his presentation.
Ice: When word got out that he was building houses for Saddam Hussein, he escaped to Mexico, where as you know, he was arrested, and interred in a local prison until he was killed by this guard. His body was held for six days within the prison walls, when...
Michael: I’m sorry. Sorry... he killed a guard?
Ice: No, the guard killed him. He’s dead. Buried in Mexico.
Michael: Hold on, how do we know this is true?
Ice: Because I have here his dental records, his death certificate... and a political cartoon from a leading Mexican publication.
Ice: Okay... again, I’m a caterer, so if you do have any family events— weddings, wakes... I’ll leave my card.
Lucille: Is it true? Is he really gone?
Lucille: Just checking.
Lindsay: These are his teeth. He had such perfect teeth. It was that Glisten.
G.O.B.: He swore by that Glisten.
Lindsay: I can still hear him now. “Who left the cap off my bleeping Glisten?”
Lucille: It’s all hitting me now. This is really happening. All this awful funeral stuff. The will, we have to get the will. I don’t know if enough time has passed. I don’t know what I’m saying. Is it in your car, Barry? I’m going to throw up! Check the car, Barry. I don’t know what I’m saying!
Barry: The will is not here, the will is at my office next to the hot plate with the frayed wires. I didn’t, uh...
Narrator: In fact, Barry had lost George Sr.’s will.
Barry: ...how did I get here? Oh, my God, Lucille, he is gone.
Maeby: We have to have a wake.
Narrator: Maeby was upset, but saw a chance to fix up her mother.
Maeby: I don’t know, maybe we can get Ice to cater it or something. I don’t know what I’m saying.
Lindsay: We don’t even have a body.
G.O.B.: I will be my father’s body. I will be the one buried. Because he loved magic so very much.
Michael: I don’t think G.O.B. knows what he’s saying.
G.O.B.: I know exactly what I’m saying. I will be buried in my father’s place, and then one week later I will emerge from the grave in one of the greatest illusions ever.
Michael: This is all about getting into Poof?
G.O.B.: I mean, how does that not get me a cover?
Lucille: We can’t tell him about this.
Oscar: I think the boy’s been lied to enough.
Lucille: You weren’t here for the parakeet, Oscar.
Narrator: As a child, Buster had a beloved parakeet who, after landing on their housekeeper Rosa’s wig, flew away when she took out the trash... and into a transformer. When Buster found out, he destroyed the family’s kitchen— believing this to be where Rosa lived.
Lucille: What are you doing home?
Buster: The Army had half a day. Are you guys planning a party?
Oscar: Yes, it’s your father’s birthday. Which coincidentally is my birthday.
Buster: Because you’re twins. Well, I’ve got some shopping to do.
Narrator: George Michael, meanwhile, had just been broken up with by his first girlfriend and was on his way home and he went to his father for comfort.
George Michael: Dad?
Michael: I’ve got some bad news.
George Michael: What? What, is Ann telling everyone?
Michael: It’s your grandfather. Apparently, he’s dead.
George Michael: Are you okay?
Michael: Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Uh, sorry. What were you saying about Ann?
Narrator: George Michael didn’t want to burden his father with his breakup.
George Michael: Nothing. I just... I broke up with her. It’s no big deal.
Michael: Really? Are you okay?
George Michael: Me? I’m great.
Michael: Mm-hmm. Yeah?
George Michael: I’m great.
Michael: Good. Yeah. She wasn’t for us.
George Michael: No, she’s a great girl.
Michael: For those other guys.
George Michael: You think there are other guys?
Michael: I don’t know what I’m saying. Come here.
Buster: Hey, brother. You wanted to see me?
G.O.B.: Buster, yeah. I need you to help me with this illusion that I’m working on.
Buster: Oh, for Dad’s birthday?
G.O.B.: Yeah. Dad’s birthday. So, look, I’m going to get in this coffin. And what I’m going to need you to do is to spin it around to show everybody that there’s no trap door. Then I’m going to escape out the trap door. You close the trap door. Bring in the pallbearers and bury an empty box.
Buster: So, it’s a hoax. But why are you doing a coffin trick on Dad’s birthday?
G.O.B.: Black humor. Say, “Hey, Dad. Look at you. You’re a year older... and a year closer to death.”
Buster: Oh, yeah, I guess that’s kind of funny. Okay, but you have to do a favor for me. I’m not really in the Army. And I told Mom I was, but I can’t go to a family event without an Army uniform.
G.O.B.: Oh, yeah. I used to be a stripper.
Buster: Strippers don’t wear clothes.
G.O.B.: Not at the end of the show.
Buster: You mean, you can wear stripper clothes when you’re not stripping?
G.O.B.: You tell me.
Narrator: George Michael went for a walk in the adjoining lot to grieve both losses in private. And he made an interesting discovery.
George Michael: Pop-Pop?
George: Hide me. Don’t turn in Pop-Pop. Help Pop-Pop.
Narrator: George Michael snuck his grandfather into the attic and helped clean him up.
George Michael: They’re perfect.
George: Years of brushing with Glisten. Listen, uh... you can’t tell anybody I’m up here. You have to protect me.
George Michael: Yeah, I know. I can’t not tell my father.
George: I’m your grandfather. And I went through hell to get here.
Narrator: He had. After being arrested, he found a loophole in the Mexican judicial system.
George: I have money.
Narrator: The Mexican authorities even attempted to fake his funeral. Although it was a less than perfect deception.
George: Anyway... I was out and halfway down to Panama and I saw something in a local paper.
Narrator: What he saw was a story about his wife giving mouth-to-mouth to a homeless man. But he knew the truth. She was kissing his brother.
George Michael: I understand what that feels like. I was dumped today. And the bad part is, I can’t even tell my dad how upset I am about it, because he’ll think that I should just be upset about you.
George: He wouldn’t be wrong.
George Michael: Well...
George: Seems like we’re going through the same thing. I don’t know, why don’t we keep each other’s secrets?
George Michael: Yeah. Okay.
George: Listen, if you pass a mini-mart, Pop-Pop gets a treat?
Narrator: And the next morning, Michael ran into his son doing something suspicious.
George Michael: Hi.
Michael: Where are you going with that food?
George Michael: I was just going to... eat some of my grandfather’s favorite foods in my room. That’s the form that my grief is taking.
Michael: I think George Michael is hiding Ann in the attic.
Lindsay: From who, the Nazis?
Michael: No, his girlfriend. From me. I just caught him sneaking up to her in the attic. And he clearly did so because he thinks I don’t approve. You know, I think I’m going to invite her to the wake. Why make him hide? Why do to him what...? Why do to him what Dad used to do to me?
Lindsay: He was so amazing!
Michael: That was actually an example of how not so amazing he was. Boy, you’re really going through something here, huh?
Lindsay: I know! You know, it’s funny, all those years when I pretended to cry I used to use Dad’s death to get me going. I tried it with Mom’s but I’d just end up smiling and ruining it.
Lindsay: But it feels, like, real, you know? You haven’t really allowed yourself to grieve much at all, Michael.
Michael: My relationship with Dad was much more, uh, much more complicated than yours. It was predicated a lot on secrets and lies. There wasn’t a whole lot of, uh, trust there, you know?
Tobias: Here he comes. Here comes John Wayne. “I’m not going to cry about my Pa. I’m going to build an airport— put my name on it.” Why, Michael? So you can fly away from your feelings? You can keep them bottled up, but they will come out, Michael. Sometimes in the most unexpected... Hey, where the [bleep] are my hard-boiled eggs?!
Narrator: G.O.B., meanwhile, was preparing for the illusion of being buried alive.
G.O.B.: Boy, you sure got this hole dug out quick.
Narrator: In fact, the laborer had been hired by George, Sr. three days earlier for the same hole. And Buster searched for the perfect card.
Buster: “Someone wanted to send you a birthday greeting... See you...” Oh, that is wicked.
Narrator: And soon, the wake that Ice had catered began.
Maeby: What are you doing? Is this what you’re wearing?
Lindsay: My father’s dead, Maeby.
Maeby: Yeah, but you’re not. And Ice is right there.
Narrator: Maeby knew that if she could get her mother to have an affair, she could emancipate.
Maeby: All Pop-Pop ever wanted was to see you with another man besides Daddy.
Lindsay: You’re right. You know what? I’m going to throw on a skirt, take off my underwear and make your Pop-Pop proud.
Maeby: Wait a minute. Let me ask Barry. That might be enough right there.
George: Is Oscar wearing my suit? Hey, you tell my brother you don’t wear dead man’s pants. Shame on him. And you say that to him. You say, you say, “Shame on you.”
George Michael: Okay.
George: Say it to me like you’re going to say it to him.
George Michael: I’m probably not going to say it to him.
George: Okay. Look at her. Look at her down there. Does she look sad to you?
George Michael: Oh, my God, that’s Ann.
George Michael: It’s the girl who ripped my heart out. The girl whose face will always be etched in my mind.
George Michael: She’s really funny.
George: Well, let’s hope so. Don’t forget the chicken wings.
Michael: Hey, Ann. You’re here. That’s great. I wasn’t sure whether you got my message.
Ann: It wasn’t a message. We talked.
George Michael: Ann... did dad invite you?
Michael: I just figured life’s too short. You two seem to care for each other. Why throw that away, huh? Huh? Okay.
George Michael: You think we really do?
Michael: A father can tell, okay? It’s as Ann as the nose on Plain’s face.
Narrator: And Buster arrived, dressed in the military outfit G.O.B. had procured for him.
Michael: What the hell are you wearing?
Buster: It’s all regulation, Michael. To get the top right, the pants had to be a little snug. Is there a birthday gift pile, hmm?
Michael: A birthday gift pile?
Narrator: Michael recalled what Buster did to what he thought was Rosa’s car with what he thought was Rosa’s favorite toy.
Michael: Yours is the first.
Buster: And the most wicked. (Giggles.)
Lucille: Get him out of here. We can’t let him know it’s a wake.
G.O.B.: Buster, let’s go get that coffin ready to be buried.
Narrator: And so the family gathered to remember George, Sr.
Michael: If anyone would like to say anything about Dad, now’s the time. Anyone? Anyone? Perhaps my son, George Michael would like to say something. Huh? Want to share your feelings? It’s okay to cry, pal. It’s okay.
George Michael: Yeah? Wow. He’s really gone. But you know, I think that if he was here right now, I would probably tell him that it all worked out. And that, um, I’ll be bringing you some salmon rolls right away. In heaven.
George: How many times I got to tell this kid chicken wings?
Narrator: Lindsay got up to speak in an outfit her daughter had chosen.
Lindsay: My father meant the world to me.
Maeby: Wipe, Mom. Give it a wipe.
George: That’s a home run.
Narrator: And finally, Michael got up to speak.
Michael: I had a very complicated relationship with my father.
Michael: Ice? Can you just cool it on that smoothie for right now?
George: There are smoothies?
Michael: I could never trust my father, but I always want my son to be able to trust me. So, from now on, we’re always going to be honest with each other, okay? ’Cause there’s nobody I love more than you in this whole world.
G.O.B.: Michael, listen, can we move the eulogy outside, so I can time being lowered into Dad’s grave with your big finish?
Michael: I’m done.
G.O.B.: Wow, that was your eulogy? Glad Dad wasn’t around to see that.
George Michael: That was great.
Michael: Well, I meant it. So no more secret trips up to the attic, right?
Narrator: George Michael didn’t want to betray his grandfather, but it appeared that his father already knew the truth.
George Michael: I have Pop-Pop in the attic.
Michael: What? The mere fact that you call making love “Pop-Pop” tells me you’re not ready.
G.O.B.: Hey! Before we lose the sun!
G.O.B.: The speeches we heard today we nothing more than words, but I will prove that I love my father more than anybody. Buster! Buster! As you can see, this is a normal coffin. Take me halfway around. I will become my dead father’s body as I’m lowered into his grave. All right, spin it back around.
Buster: Dead father? Is dad... dad’s dead?
G.O.B.: Just keep it together, Buster and spin this back around.
Buster: Oh, my God, the card! The card!
G.O.B.: Something’s gone wrong.
Narrator: Michael noticed something in the dirt.
Narrator: And suddenly he realized what his son meant when he said he had Pop-Pop in the attic.
Michael: Dad? Dad?!
George: How you doing, Michael? Hey, but your father’s alive. Michael, he’s, he’s alive.
Michael: How could you do this to us?
George: Well, you see, I had no choice. My brother is with Lucille, you see. She’s destroying the family.
Michael: You put the entire business in peril, you escaped from prison, and then you make us all think that you’ve died?
George: I’m an innocent man, Michael. I’m, I’m, I’m a patsy here. I signed some documents. I thought they were going to kill me. Don’t turn me in, okay? Can you help me out?
Narrator: And for a moment, Michael was conflicted.
Michael: Well, I’m not going to let you stay here and make my son an accomplice, okay? I’m sorry. I’m not going to let you spread your guilt to him.
Maeby: Ice, my mother has something to tell you.
Lindsay: I find you very attractive.
Maeby: And she cleans up nice, too. Trust me.
Ice: I think I’m finally off the clock.
Maeby: I’m out of here, right?
Michael: Uh, Dad’s alive. He’s hiding in the attic. In the atti...?
Buster: He’s upstairs?
Ice: He’s gone. Stack the chafing dishes outside by the mailbox. I’m on the job.
Lindsay: I can’t seem to give this away.
Barry: I can’t believe it. And I just found the will.
George: Thanks, Mikey.
Michael: Yeah. Well, now it’s our secret.
Narrator: And Michael met up with his son, their roles now reversed.
George Michael: I’m sorry. You know, from now on, we’ll just tell the truth to each other.
Michael: We’re going to try.
George Michael: Yeah.
Michael: So wait. Obviously, Ann wasn’t in the attic, so you actually did break up with her?
George Michael: Actually, she broke up with me. But the great thing is, that she was so moved by what you said tonight that we’re back together.
George Michael: Yeah!
Michael: Oh, is that great! Well, we’re family and we stick together, huh? Hmm. Okay. Let’s go dig up your uncle.
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Buster finds out about the death of Captain Kangaroo, Michael grows weary of caring for his father, ...
Michael: No, Pop-Pop does not get a treat. I just brought you a bleeping pizza!
Narrator: ... and G.O.B. finally makes the cover of Poof magazine.