|Season One, Episode Twenty-Two|
John Beard: Low-carb diets are sweeping the nation, but some local businesses are being left in the dust.
John Beard: And the latest on Iraq...
Michael: George Michael, they’re gonna show that interview you did. We’re gonna watch it on Thursday, okay? I’ll make some popcorn.
George Michael: Popcorn? Really? Cool. Yeah, the hell with Atkins, huh?
Michael: Oh, yeah. Why blow it now? I’ll fry up some bacon.
George Michael: Dad...
Michael: Buddy, you got to take it easy, okay? I’m showing this as the model again. I don’t want people to think we’ve got shoddy workmanship. That might not have been your fault.
G.O.B.: I know. Nothing works in this house.
Michael: Tell me about it.
Lindsay: Is that a shot at me?
Lindsay: Because, for your information, I have a job.
Michael: Really? What kind of job?
Michael: G.O.B.’s not on board.
Lindsay: Beads are very big right now—anklets, necklaces, you name it.
Lindsay: But I’ll need some startup money.
G.O.B.: I’m in. But we’re gonna need a lot. Beads aren’t cheap. Are beads cheap?
Michael: G.O.B., shouldn’t you be in bed?
G.O.B.: Well, I’ve got a meeting with Dad’s attorney today. He’s going to want me to take a lie detector test to use as evidence in Dad’s trial, but I don’t want to. What if they ask about a magic trick? I can’t risk it.
Michael: They’re not going to ask you anything. They want me to take the polygraph test.
G.O.B.: But I’m the oldest. The matriarch if you will.
Michael: Oh, sure, I will.
Michael: Look, I have to do this to help out Dad, but you don’t know anything about our business.
Lindsay: And, G.O.B., I’m not looking for a partner. And, believe me, if I was, it would not be you.
G.O.B.: Oh. Good. Well, I’ll start my own business. How hard can it be? [Buzzes.] Bzz! We’ll see who brings in more honey. [Buzzes.]
Michael: He’s thinking about bees again.
Michael: Lindsay, I’m not going to just cut you a check so you can throw it away on another failed business.
Lindsay: Hey, “Mommy, What Will I Look Like?” should have worked.
Narrator: Lindsay had once started a photo-enhancing service which gave new parents a glimpse at what their infants would look like in half a century.
- End cutaway
Lindsay: Hey, you put an ugly kid in, you can’t be surprised when an ugly adult comes out.
Lindsay: Look, I need to become self-reliant. It’s not going to last with Tobias. He’s completely oblivious. He’s got no idea how I’m feeling or thinking.
Michael: So there’s no sex?
Lindsay: I mean, how do you not have sex with me?
Michael: It is a struggle.
Michael: I’ll tell you what... I’ll help you out, but you got to work.
Lindsay: Great. Before you know it, I’ll be in the red. And you can take that to the bank.
Michael: I’m sure they’ll contact me first.
Narrator: And that’s when Michael got a call that made him wish he hadn’t promised his sister the money.
Michael: Hello. Kitty?
Narrator: And later, the family waited for Michael at the prison meeting room...
George: How do you make money from it?
G.O.B.: I don’t know. Honey. Or just as gifts.
Lucille: Who’d want a bee as a gift?
Narrator: ...while Buster and Annyong waited just outside.
Buster: Come on, just let me have one bite.
Annyong: No. Mother say no carbohydrate for you if you ever going to get girlfriend that’s not old lady.
Buster: At least I can get a girlfriend.
Annyong: I can get a girlfriend before you.
Buster: (Chuckling.) Oh, we’ll see about that.
Michael: Hey, why aren’t you in there?
Buster: Oh, I was just keeping Annyong company.
Buster: Give me that bagel, you little piece of [bleep] Give it to me! [bleep]
Barry: Our star witness. Come here. Good to see you. You know what? Don’t get too close to me. ’Cause I’ve got an itch you can’t believe. I think something laid eggs on me.
Michael: Thanks for the heads up.
Barry: We’ve got your polygraph set up for tomorrow.
Michael: About that...
G.O.B.: I’ll tell them, Michael. I won’t do it. I’m afraid of what I might know.
George: You? No one wants you. Does anyone want him, Barry?
Barry: Who would want him?
Lucille: They don’t want you.
Michael: I might not be the best witness either. I got a call from Kitty this morning.
Barry: Your secretary?
George: My secretary.
Michael: She says that she’s got some evidence and she’s threatening to bring down the company unless we meet her demands.
G.O.B.: Oh, that is just great. Now I’m expected to climb back on top of Kitty and do my thing again. I mean, this family runs into problems and it’s “Oh, let’s have G.O.B. [bleep] our way out of it.”
Lucille: What is the matter with you?
Michael: It’s me that she wants to meet with me, G.O.B.
G.O.B.: Oh. Good.
Michael: Now what does she have, Dad? I need to know.
George: No, you can’t know. We got to keep you nice and clean. Especially if you’re going to take that lie detector test.
Barry: He is absolutely right.
George: Find out what Kitty wants and just give it to her. But don’t find out what she knows. Michael, you can save this business. You are the only one who can do it.
G.O.B.: Yeah, besides me. But I kind of got my hands full with these babies.
Guard #2: He’s got bees! No bees!
Lucille: They don’t allow you to have bees in here.
Narrator: And business was slow at the banana stand when George Michael made a new friend.
George Michael: Hi.
Ann: Are bananas high in carbohydrates?
George Michael: You’re on Atkins, too? Yeah. Actually that’s why I’m going to be on TV.
Ann: You are?
George Michael: I was interviewed for "Hindsight" with John Beard. I gave them a joke, but I don’t know if they’re gonna use it.
George Michael: Thanks to this diet craze, the last time we had a customer, the banana stand was still green.
John Beard: Lose it. No, lose the whole kid. We’ll just go with the Iraq piece.
- End cutaway
Ann: That’s so cool.
George Michael: I guess.
Ann: Do you want to watch it at my house?
George Michael: Yeah, I guess.
Narrator: And Michael headed off to meet Kitty. Their last meeting had ended poorly...
Kitty: Say good-bye to your company, Michael. And say good-bye...
Michael: No, no, no, no.
- End flashback
Narrator: ...so Michael was understandably anxious about their reunion.
Michael: Guess I do get to see them again, huh?
Kitty: Can we please have one conversation that’s not about my rack, Michael?
Kitty: Maybe a better question would be “What evidence do I have against you?” Because I’m...
Michael: No, no, no, no, I don’t want to know. I just want to know what you want.
Kitty: I’d like to be in charge of the Bluth Company.
Michael: Well, I want a hamburger and French fries, but I can’t have the bun or the potatoes. Get real.
Kitty: I deserve it. Your father promised it to me on the day he went to prison.
Michael: Yeah, that sounds like something that he would do.
Kitty: And if I can’t be in charge, then I’m going to have to tell the entire world that your father was building houses overseas without paying...
Michael: Whoa, whoa... Stop, stop. Stop. No, finish. Finish. Without paying what? Taxes?
Kitty: Model houses, Michael. Overseas. And he hid it from the U.S. government.
Michael: That’s it, that’s what my dad’s been hiding, back taxes?
Kitty: And unless you plan on paying them, your dad’s going to be in prison for a long time.
Michael: Well, we’ll pay them. Forget it, we’ll mortgage the company if we have to. We found money for those, we’ll find money for taxes. Good to see you.
Kitty: Yeah. If I was in charge, that would’ve been my first move, too.
Narrator: As Michael returned home, George Michael was heading out to meet the girl from the banana stand.
Michael: Great news. The business is going to be okay.
George Michael: Yeah, I thought bananas would be okay on the diet.
Michael: No, I meant... Well, you haven’t been eating those have you?
George Michael: No. Just some nuts.
Michael: Yeah, those are fine. What I meant was I think we might be seeing Pop-Pop a little bit sooner than we thought. Does that sound good?
Lindsay: Do you hear that rattling?
Tobias: It is very worrisome.
Michael: Hey! What the hell are you doing?
Tobias: Great news, Michael. We’re thinking of purchasing a Bluth model home. And let’s check the oven.
Lindsay: That doesn’t inspire confidence.
Michael: Lindsay, the bead business taking off, is it?
Tobias: Actually, I am the breadwinner, Michael, as it turns out. I was walking in a strange place today... a place I’d never set foot in before.
Narrator: Tobias, walking down a street he’d been down many times, saw a book he’d written years earlier as a psychiatrist. The book, initially unsuccessful, had suddenly caught fire... although strangely, only in the gay community.
- End cutaway
Tobias: The book is huge. And I have a bit of money coming my way as a result. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go upstairs and run the shower. Let me know if it’s too loud in the kitchen. Okay.
Michael: So, your husband comes into some money and suddenly he’s not so oblivious anymore, huh?
Lindsay: This is not me being shallow, Michael. He’s written a self-help book that’s helping people. That does take some insight.
Michael: Listen, this better not mean you’re blowing off the bead store.
Lindsay: Well, seeing as though you brought it up, maybe we should get out of this investment. I mean, seriously, Michael... beads?
Michael: I knew you’d do this. You work for, like, three seconds and you find something that’s easier, and you just grab it.
Michael: It’s Dip-a-Pet all over again.
Narrator: Lindsay also had a brief foray into what she had then hoped would be the burgeoning fad of custom pet coloring.
- End cutaway
Lindsay: Well, that would’ve worked if you’d sprung for a bigger sink.
Michael: George Michael, our show’s about to start.
Maeby: He went out on his date.
Michael: A date? But we had plans to... A date with who?
Maeby: Some girl. I mean, she barely has a face. You couldn’t pick her out of a lineup of one.
John Beard: ...but first, the palaces of Iraq. Trisha, tell us about these new mini-palaces of Saddam’s you’ve discovered.
Trisha Thoon: Our troops have been living here for the last few days and, as you can tell, they’ve made themselves right at home. Now a lot of this damage is just due to shoddy workmanship. But the real surprise here is that these homes appear to be American built to begin with.
John Beard: There have been sanctions against doing business with Hussein’s regime since the early ’90s, so who built them?
Michael: Does that look a little like our kitchen island?
Trisha Thoon: Well, whoever it is, they’re in a world of trouble.
Narrator: And Michael realized that his father’s crimes might be bigger than he thought.
George: There’s a good chance I may have committed some light treason.
- End flashback
Trisha Thoon: This might even be considered light treason.
Michael: Oh, my God.
Narrator: Michael just found out his father might have committed some light treason by building model homes in Iraq. And he tried to get a hold of Kitty, who he knew had the evidence. Unfortunately, Kitty was meeting with G.O.B. at the time.
G.O.B.: What about hash browns?
Kitty: No, because hash browns are potatoes.
G.O.B.: So, you really can’t eat anything on this diet. Wow, I wonder how this is going to affect my honey business.
Kitty: G.O.B., I have seen you get passed over, time and time again by your family. You don’t deserve that, you’re smarter than them.
G.O.B.: What about macaroni... let me finish... salad?
Kitty: G.O.B., this is your time. With my help, knowing what I know, we could take over the Bluth Company together.
G.O.B.: Wow, this is a side of you I’d never noticed before. Have they always been that big?
Narrator: And the next day, Michael went to his mother’s.
Michael: I saw an expose on the Iraq palaces last night and I could’ve sworn that one of them was the Sea Wind unit.
Lucille: That’s funny. I always pictured Iraq in the middle of the desert.
Michael: Dad sold houses to the Iraqis, didn’t he? This is what you kept from me so I could take the polygraph test. Tell me the truth, okay? ’Cause there’s been a lot of lying in this family.
Lucille: And a lot of love.
Michael: More lies.
Lucille: Look, I never knew about anything, but I had my suspicions. He never told me where he was going, but he used to come back from those business trips reeking of lamb. And people would send figs—not even at Christmas—in the middle of October. Oh, and once someone sent him a toe and he went white as a sheet. I think you’re right, Michael.
G.O.B.: Zero hour, Michael. It’s the end of the line. I’m the firstborn. I’m sick of playing second fiddle. I’m always third in line for everything. I’m tired of finishing fourth. Being the fifth wheel. There are six things I’m mad about, and I’m taking over.
Michael: You want to be in charge?
Michael: You want to deal with what I deal with? A sister who takes your money and throws it away. A mother who you can’t trust. A company whose founder may be on trial for treason. Is that what you want?
G.O.B.: What kind of vacation time does it offer?
Narrator: G.O.B. realized that the power play he promised to make with Kitty had perhaps come at a bad time.
G.O.B.: I've made a huge mistake.
Narrator: And Tobias was having his first book reading.
Tobias: And for the ease of the reader, I have changed all the gender-related pronouns— “he,” “she,”— to the masculine “he.” “The Man Inside Me. For Lindsay, my rock. I could not have done this without him.”
Narrator: And Lindsay arrived to support her husband.
Tobias: “...for there’s a man inside me, and only when he’s finally out, can I walk free of pain.”
James Alan Spangler: This book is going to sell like a billion copies.
Tobias: Lindsay. Oh, I’m so glad you came. I was hoping for more women. Perhaps I shouldn’t have just used “he.”
Narrator: And Lindsay realized that Tobias was just as oblivious as she’d always thought.
Lindsay: Tobias, I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Tobias: What are you talking about? We’ve had some great times.
Lindsay: We’ve got nothing left, Tobias.
Narrator: And Michael went to confront his father.
Michael: You’re building houses in Iraq? Do you know how they punish treason?
George: First time.
Michael: I’ve never heard of a second.
George: Oh, I’ve got the worst [bleep]ing attorneys.
George: This is why I didn’t want to get you involved, but we can fix this. But what are Kitty’s demands? What does she want?
Michael: She wants my job. Now, suddenly, everybody wants my job. I should have given it to her.
George: You mean you didn’t? Michael, she has the evidence of what we did over there.
Michael: All she thinks it is is unpaid taxes.
George: Yeah, but what if she gives it to somebody who’s even moderately intelligent?
Narrator: In fact, Kitty had gone to someone moderately intelligent in her continuing quest for control of the Bluth Company.
Buster: I can’t believe you called me for a date.
Kitty: You didn’t tell anyone, did you?
Buster: Are you kidding? I don’t need to brag, but some people haven’t even been on a date.
Annyong: Date’s not over yet, fatty.
George: You weren’t thinking clearly. I mean, none of us are. We need bread.
Michael: If this information was so damaging, why didn’t you just shred it?
George: Well, Saddam owed us money.
Michael: And you didn’t realize that he wouldn’t pay?
George: You mom had a good feeling about him.
Michael: So Mom knew this entire time and she just lied to my face for months and months? Tell me something, Dad. This is, this is your problem, okay? Not mine.
George: Well, maybe it wouldn’t be my a problem if you did what I asked you to for once in your damn life and you gave Kitty what I asked you to.
Michael: Once in my damn life? All I’ve ever done my entire life is do exactly what you told me to do, all right? I’ve done everything for this family, Pop. Not anymore. Kitty can have my job. And you can take your own polygraph test, ’cause I’m done. I’m done with you and I’m done with the business.
George: That’s great. I’m going to get a lethal injection because my son won’t eat a potato.
Narrator: George, in a surprise move, volunteered to take a polygraph.
Barry: So, did you swipe a sedative from the infirmary?
Barry: Are you lowering your heart rate?
George: No. It’s okay. I want to do this because I want people to know that I never willfully deceived anyone. Mistakes were made but I never intended to hurt anyone. I was just trying to support my family. But I can see clearly now, sitting in this chair, strapped in this machine I can see that my life has become a failure. I’ve let people down. I’ve let myself down. But I love my country.
Lucille: What is he doing?
George: I love it here. You can shop. I love my country. I can’t breathe.
Polygraph Technician: I’m taking him off this thing.
D.A.: Wait, wait. Are you guilty? Yes or no?
Polygraph Technician: I think he’s having a heart attack. That was not a nod.
D.A.: It was a nod.
Polygraph Technician: No.
D.A.: It was a nod.
Polygraph Technician: It was not a nod.
Lucille: Call an ambulance.
Narrator: George Sr. was raced to the hospital, and his family soon gathered around.
Lindsay: How is he?
Lucille: Stable. But they don’t know if he’s due for another one. It’s his own fault. What kind of diet is this? It’s too much meat. I want all of you off this immediately. (To Lindsay.) Except you.
Lindsay: Tobias. I can’t believe you came.
Tobias: Come on, Lindsay—this is my family.
Narrator: And Lindsay realized that perhaps they did have something left. A real connection.
Tobias: Also, Dale, one of the gentlemen from my reading, is a nurse here, so we were able to park right out front.
Lindsay: Oh, Barry, did you talk to a doctor?
Barry: I did. I have poison oak. Do you believe it? How the hell did I get that?
Lucille: She was talking about George.
Barry: Oh, he’s the same. Look, I guess we should decide on who’s going to speak for the family. I would, but I have Laker tickets.
Narrator: Buster knew this was his chance to put Kitty’s coup d’etat in action. He wondered if he was up for it.
Barry: Someone might have to sign the “Do Not Resuscitate” form.
Narrator: And he decided he wasn’t.
Buster: I need to make a telephone call.
G.O.B.: I’m in charge now. I speak for this family. I mean... I could if you wanted me to. I’d rather not, obviously. Don’t know what I’d say. Why do I have to be the one? I don’t need this. Why does this have to become my problem? No, I’m out. Forget it. Find somebody else. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of doing everything for this family.
Barry: Where is Michael?
Lindsay: Did somebody call him?
Narrator: In fact, they hadn’t, and at the moment, he was determined to finally get as far away from his family as possible.
Michael: Hey, pal. Pack your bags.
George Michael: Where we going?
Michael: Anywhere. Joshua Tree. Space Camp. The Baseball Hall of Fame. Everything you and I have always wanted to do but haven’t been able to because of this ridiculous family.
George Michael: We’re just going to go?
Michael: Yeah, and I don’t know if we’re even going to come back. There’s nothing keeping us here.
George Michael: Well, Dad... I like it here.
Michael: What the hell is going on with you lately? I wanted to watch, uh... Hindsight, and, and you weren’t there. I want to pack up and desert the family and-and you don’t want to. Is it this new girlfriend?
George Michael: No... It’s because of the family. I like the family. I mean, if we leave, who’s gonna take care of these people?
Michael: I don’t know. The state or the police. Maybe the Magician’s Alliance will pick up some slack. No. Hey. That’s gonna be them and they’re gonna want something. We’re not answering.
George Michael: Hello?
Annyong: Where’s George Michael?
Maeby: Exactly. Where is he? Ever since he’s been dating this Annie McNoface, he’s been blowing me off.
Michael: Oh, hey, where’s Pop-Pop?
Maeby: Room 212.
Narrator: And that’s when Maeby decided that perhaps she could use her uncle to make her cousin jealous.
George Michael: Hey, Dad, wait up.
Maeby: That was a waste of time.
Michael: How’s he doing?
Dr. Fishman: He’s hanging in there. He keeps trying to get this IV out of his arm. I don’t understand why. It’s just glucose.
Michael: We’re all trying to stay away from sugar.
Lindsay: He’s going to be okay— right, Michael?
Michael: Absolutely. Absolutely. You all right?
G.O.B.: I’ll handle this one, Michael. Don’t you worry. It will take a lot more than a heart attack to kill that old bear. Old bear! He likes the honey. He never got a chance to see my bee business take off.
Michael: Come on, now, Dad’s going to be around another 30 years, G.O.B. Your business, uh, might not.
G.O.B.: You’re a good brother, Michael. Heart attack never stopped old Big Bear.
Buster: I didn’t even know we were calling him Big Bear.
G.O.B.: We never had a chance to.
Michael: Hey, hey. Come on, G.O.B. Everybody, I’m, I’m very sorry. Okay? I-I feel awful. I should have been here. I’m the one that was supposed to take that polygraph test and then I just turned on him, then this happened. But never again. Okay? I will never ever leave this family no matter what.
Lucille: You should have been here.
Michael: I feel like I covered that.
Lucille: Well, you didn’t say it.
Michael: I feel awful. I should have been here.
- End flashback
Michael: Maybe you’re right, maybe I didn’t say it. I should have been here.
Dr. Fishman: Excuse me, Mr. Bluth. We lost him. He just, uh... got away from us. I’m sorry.
Michael: Can we go in there?
Dr. Fishman: If you want. Not a lot to see.
Michael: Maybe not for you, but for us...
Narrator: And that’s when the family realized that George Sr. wasn’t dead, but was fleeing the country that he loved so very much.
Michael: Pack your bags.
Narrator: On the next season of Arrested Development, the family grapples with the news they had just heard...
G.O.B.: Why would a doctor say he’s gone when he means he’s escaped?
Lucille: Oh, God, I’ve missed bread.
G.O.B.: What’d you say? He leapt out the window.
Narrator: ...Maeby’s life gets a little more complicated...
Maeby: I mean it’s so obvious. He gave himself a shot to make it look like he was having a heart attack. How could they not see that?
Annyong: Maybe we should kiss again to teach them a lesson about obvious.
Narrator: ...and Kitty helps George escape.