|Season One, Episode Twelve|
Narrator: It was Michael’s sister’s anniversary and he’d convinced his mother to throw a party for her.
Michael: Lindsay, how’s this for an anniversary cake?
Lucille: Anniversary? You asked me to throw a Valentine’s Day party.
Michael: Did I?
Lucille: You tricked me.
Michael: I deceived you, Mom. Trick makes it sound like we have a playful relationship.
Lucille: Touché. Lupe, untie the balloons!
Marta: Michael, all alone on Valentine’s Day? How’s that possible? You seem like such a romantic to me. I can just see you showing up on some lucky girl’s porch, in a tuxedo with a bottle of champagne.
Michael: Yeah. But if I show up with all that stuff, I could probably just get away with shorts and a T-shirt right? Which is good because I don’t even have a tuxedo.
Marta: So you’re saying there’s no one that you’re even interested in?
Narrator: In fact, Michael had become enamored of Marta when G.O.B. was having second thoughts about the relationship.
G.O.B.: I’ve made a huge mistake.
Narrator: But when G.O.B. recommitted to her...
G.O.B.: I’ve made a huge mistake.
- End flashback
Narrator: ...Michael decided to do the noble thing and let her go.
Michael: There was somebody for a little while, but it was too much of a brother... bother.
Lindsay: That can’t feel good.
Michael: It’s fine. I’m over it. I’m okay by myself, you know? I really just want to focus on my family’s happiness. That’s why I threw this party. I mean, 14 years, huh? You’ve got to be doing something right.
Lindsay: Well, if you call not filing for divorce something right. But I guess we keep it interesting.
Michael: Where’s Tobias?
Lindsay: He’s on the balcony having margaritas with Carl Weathers.
Narrator: Tobias had recently hired actor Carl Withers as a drama coach.
- End cutaway
Tobias: Do you see me more as the respected dramatic actor or more of the beloved comic actor?
Carl Weathers: Whoa, whoa, whoa. There’s still plenty of meat on that bone. Now you take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, a potato. Baby, you’ve got a stew going.
Tobias: Yes, that’s fine, but I would like to focus on my acting, Mr. Weathers. I did give you my last $1,100.
Carl Weathers: Let me tell you a little story about acting. I was doing this Showtime movie—Hot Ice with Anne Archer—never once touched my per diem. I’d go to Craft Service, get some raw veggies, bacon, Cup-A-Soup— baby, I got a stew going.
Tobias: I think I’d like my money back.
Narrator: Like his father, George Michael had been nursing an impossible crush. It was on his cousin, Maeby. And with no one to talk to, he was looking for some kind of direction.
George Michael: Just give me a sign. The first one’s obvious. Okay.
Narrator: He continued to look for a sign, until finally...
George Michael: “Maybe tonight.” What are the chances?
Narrator: Actually, “Maybe Tonight” was a very popular candy slogan and the chances were one in eight.
- End cutaway
George Michael: What are you doing?
Maeby: I’m just trying to throw stuff at my dad’s head, but the wind keeps taking it.
George Michael: How cool. So I found this. I thought it was like a one-in-a-million thing. It just made me think of you.
Maeby: Oh, perfect.
Tobias: I saw that.
Narrator: And Lucille found a way to force a wedge into her son’s relationship.
Lucille: Lucille, guess who’s coming to dinner? I’ve invited Carl to dine with us next Tuesday.
Buster: Mother, you know I have class on Tuesday.
Lucille: Oh, how silly of me. Well, then perhaps the two of you can have dinner alone.
Carl Weathers: I never say no to dinner with a beautiful lady, that is.
Lucille Austero: Do you like ham?
Carl Weathers: No. I love it.
Narrator: And the family gathered to watch a videotape George had sent Lindsay and Tobias for their anniversary.
George: Hello, I’m George Bluth. And for the next 45 minutes, let me take you on a journey.
Lucille: Good grief, he sent us one of his idiot video tapes.
George: First, this.
Announcer: You’ve seen George Bluth on videotape.
George: You have got to learn to be alone. I cheated and I lied and I whored around.
Prisoner: Caged Wisdom changed my life.
Announcer: Now’s your chance for only 4 payments of $19.95.
Lindsay: This was supposed to be my anniversary.
Lucille: Yeah, and this was supposed to be my Valentine’s Day party. Speaking of which... Lupe, where are those balloons?!
Lupe: You want balloons?
G.O.B.: Speech, speech, speech,
All: (Chanting.) Speech, speech, speech, speech, speech, speech, speech, speech, speech, speech, speech...
Narrator: The family continued to chant “speech, speech, speech” for no one in particular.
All: ...speech, speech, speech!
Michael: Gee, after all that, I was kind of hoping somebody would make a speech.
Buster: Speech, speech, speech!
Michael: All right, I’ll say something.
Michael: We’ve all had a tough couple of months. I think we’re all really figuring out who we are and what we really need in life, and that can be painful. However, you can’t really heal yourself until you stop living a lie, you know? But I promise that we’re all going to be a lot happier in the long run. So, on a very unusual Valentine’s Day, cheers to Mom and Dad, to Buster and Lucille....
Buster: Don’t forget my girlfriend.
Michael: That’s who I meant. ...To Lindsay and Tobias. To George Michael and... I almost said George Michael and Maeby.
George Michael: (Laughing.) Oh.
Michael: To G.O.B. and Marta. To love and happiness. I love you all, Marta.
Narrator: And Marta realized that it was Michael, not G.O.B., who had everything she had been looking for in a man.
Marta: I've made a huge mistake.
Lindsay: I was thinking about that toast you gave at my anniversary party. So I want to get a divorce.
Lindsay: Do you think I should use our attorney, Barry, or just kind of bolt in the night? I’m leaning towards bolt in the night, but...
Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Michael: Lindsay, I wasn’t talking about getting a divorce.
Lindsay: Oh, Michael, it’s time. The man’s psychologically incapable of taking all of his clothes off.
Narrator: In fact, Tobias was a never-nude. As of yet, the DSM-IV has not acknowledged the affliction.
- End cutaway
Michael: I don’t know, Lindsay. I mean, who am I to judge? On the other hand, I am doing it anyway, so let me suggest before you talk divorce, at least consider a separation. You know, you do have a kid.
Lindsay: I know. I was going to take her with me in the night. She’s part of the bolt.
Lindsay: All right, I’ll think about it.
Michael: (Into phone) Hello?
Buster: Hey, brother, I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your speech yesterday—about family and being true to ourselves.
Michael: Oh... well, I’m glad it made an impact.
Buster: Yeah. I never want to look at mom again.
Michael: What happened?
Buster: I can’t really talk. She might be listening in. Do you know she tried to set up my girlfriend with a man? It has to stop.
Michael: That’s not really what I was going for.
Buster: I’m a man, Mike! I’m a man.
Lupe: Can I throw out this yogurt?
Michael: Buster, two things: first of all, it might be time for you to move out and secondly, you don’t want to take any chances with yogurt, Mom. Just let her throw it out.
Lucille: Hello? Who’s on this phone?
G.O.B.: Great speech last night.
Michael: Really? What did it inspire you to do, kill somebody?
G.O.B.: Getting there. Marta’s cheating on me.
G.O.B.: Yeah. Can you believe that?
Michael: That’s crazy, G.O.B. She’s not a cheater. If she were to cheat, I’d like to think she’d cheat... you’re the cheater.
G.O.B.: That’s how I know all the signs. Last night she was all distant and weird. Wouldn’t let me make love to her on Mom’s bed. I don’t even want to tell you what she wouldn’t let me do to her in the car. And then today, I overhear her talking on the phone about somebody, all super silently, all in Spanish.
Narrator: In fact, Marta was on the phone with her mother talking about Michael.
Marta: No es el G.O.B. el que yo quiero. Es el hermano.
- End flashback
G.O.B.: And she kept using this guy’s name like, “Hermano.”
Michael: Let me tell you something, G.O.B. We’re going to track this Hermano down, okay? And we’re going to nail him. Because if anyone’s going to go out with that girl, it’s going to be one of us.
G.O.B.: Right. Me.
Michael: And I’m okay with that.
Maeby: I don’t get it. Why do we have to change rooms?
Lindsay: Cousins of the opposite gender shouldn’t be sharing a room.
George Michael: But that’s just the point. I mean, we’re cousins. You know, gender has nothing to do with it. Cousins can bunk together. That’s why they call it “bunking cousins.”
Lindsay: They call it “kissing cousins.”
George Michael: We’re not kissing, that’s the point.
Narrator: George Michael was concerned Tobias had seen the candy heart that said “Maybe Tonight” and had figured out that he had a crush on his cousin.
George Michael: Besides, I don’t even care. First you said, “Share a room with her,” I shared a room with her. Now you’re saying don’t share a room with her. Fine. I’m just... I’m just doing whatever you say. The adults are making all the decisions around here. Why am I in trouble?
Lindsay: You’re not in trouble. We’re all just going to have a more normal arrangement. I’m going to sleep with my daughter and you’re going to sleep with my husband.
Narrator: Buster had taken Michael’s advice and decided to confront his mother.
Buster: (Sniffling.) Because you know I don’t appreciate how you treat me. I am not a child, Mother.
Buster: No, Mother! I can blow myself. And you have interfered for the last time.
Lucille: Fine. Go! Move out!
Narrator: So, Buster loaded up his possessions and emancipated himself from his mother.
Carl Weathers: Oh, hey, Buster. I thought you had class.
Buster: I thought you had class. My brother-in-law fires you and you move in on my girlfriend?
Carl Weathers: Now wait a minute. This is just purely a social call. You know, just two adults getting a stew on, man.
Buster: I don’t know what that means, but it sounds disgusting.
Lucille Austero: Hey, Buster. Gee, I thought you had class.
Buster: I thought you had class. I want to move in with you. I’m tired of my mom trying to control me.
Lucille Austero: Wait a minute. Are you sure you’re doing this because you want to be with me, and not because you want to get even with your mother?
Buster: This isn’t about my mother. Besides, it’s the only way I’m ever going to get her to respect me.
Lucille Austero: Buster, this is exactly why our relationship does not work.
Buster: Our relationship doesn’t work?
Lucille Austero: No, not as long as you keep getting me all mixed up with your mother.
Buster: It is exactly the opposite. I’m leaving my mother for you. You’re replacing my mother.
Lucille Austero: You need some time.
Narrator: Meanwhile, Michael was following Marta to confirm G.O.B.’s suspicions. First he saw her buy a present at an exclusive men’s store. The trail then led Michael to the set of Marta’s Spanish-language soap opera.
Michael: Excuse me. I’m looking for an Hermano.
Soap Actor #1: Oh, mi hermano. Alli. [My brother? Right there.]
Michael: Right there, in the green? Great. Thanks. Gracias. Hermano. Are you Hermano?
Soap Actor #2: Mi hermano? Es alli. [My brother? Right there.]
Michael: That’s the guy who just...
Soap Actor #2: Mm-hmm.
Michael: Son of a bitch.
Soap Actor #1: Hey...
Speaking Spanish -- Let’s get you into wardrobe.
Lucille: I had to see you. He moved out.
George: He moved out? Buster did?
Lucille: I know it’s for his own good, but I’m worried.
George: Well, he’s going to be fine.
Lucille: I’m not worried about him. I’ve never lived in the apartment alone. I’m not sure I’m up to this.
George: All right, shh, shh, shh. Listen, I know you think I’m going after the $49, but... I want... I want you to watch a little Caged Wisdom.
Lucille: Not this garbage again.
George: There is joy in solitude, Lucille. Try being alone. It-it just might make you happier. Honey, my happiest times here are alone. Hey, Bruno, any chance that the hole is available between 4:00 and 6:00?
Lucille: I don’t even want to know what that means.
Narrator: With nowhere else to go, Buster arrived at the model home.
Tobias: Buster Bluth.
Buster: Hey, brother-in-law.
Tobias: Good news. Carl got me an audition.
Buster: Carl Weathers?
Tobias: I think the world is about to fall in love with “Frightened Inmate #2.”
Buster: Well, at least he gave you something. Carl Weathers took everything from me. My entire life just came crashing down, and it’s all his fault. I will never love again.
Buster: Oh, my God.
Marta: Is everything okay?
Narrator: And suddenly Buster realized Marta was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Buster: I’ve been dating an old lady.
Marta: Is Michael here?
Buster: I-I don’t... I don’t know where he is.
Narrator: In fact, Michael was just returning from his day of following Marta.
Michael: Well, I lost her.
Marta: I’m so glad I caught you.
Michael: You caught me?
Marta: First of all, thank you so much for the lovely party and for making me feel so welcome in your family.
Michael: Yeah, sure.
Buster: We love you! Can I... can I stay here for a little while?
Michael: Well, everybody’s already sharing a bedroom but me, Buster.
Buster: Oh, perfect.
Marta: So... I was hoping you might have some time to talk.
Marta: There’s something I need... Maybe we could have dinner?
G.O.B.: She’s at the house. She’s at the house.
Michael: One second.
G.O.B.: I’m gonna speak very carefully in case she’s with you.
Michael: You’re right.
G.O.B.: Right about what? She’s there? What’s going on? Who’s with you? If it’s Marta, say “nobody.”
G.O.B.: Well, now I don’t know what’s going on. So did you find out anything? I-I’m dying here, Michael. Did you find that guy, what’s his name?
Marta: Is that your brother?
Michael: No, he’s upstairs. Remember? Listen, I got to go. Somebody wants to take me out to dinner.
G.O.B.: Why don’t I just come in. I’m right outside.
Michael: No, no. Not-not a good idea. Somebody wants to talk to me about something.
G.O.B.: Ah, she wants to talk to you. Got it.
G.O.B.: For some reason, women feel safe around you. Maybe because you’ve only had sex four times.
Michael: Four women, not four times, and they talk to me because I talk to them.
G.O.B.: Look, go to dinner, and let’s get to the bottom of this Hermano stuff, brother.
Michael: Yup, great.
Michael: Hey, about dinner—I’d love to.
Narrator: Tobias arrived at his audition for Frightened Inmate #2. The competition frightened Tobias, which he felt he could use in his performance. Unfortunately, this made him more confident, which frightened him again.
Tobias: I’m ready.
Narrator: That night, Maeby moved in to Lindsay’s room.
Lindsay: Isn’t this fun. It’s like a slumber party. Ooh.
Maeby: That’s it! Tell me what’s up with you and Dad.
Lindsay: Nothing. Nothing’s wrong with your father and me. We have a-a wonderful, close relationship. Can I let you in on a little secret? Hm? Having him in the next room makes me miss him all the more.
Maeby: Mom, please. He’s got a big boy crush on Action Jackson.
Lindsay: I know. How can I compete with that? Okay... we’re having a little fight right now. But don’t worry, darling. Okay? Mommy and Daddy... (Clenching teeth.) ...aren’t going anywhere.
Maeby: Okay. I’m going to go unpack my suitcase.
Lindsay: (Whispers.) No! We may have to bolt.
Narrator: Tobias moved in to George Michael’s room.
George Michael: You know, Maeby and I were cool with each other, and, I mean, you must really miss your wife. It’s practically still your anniversary.
Tobias: 14 years of lies. Yes, I’m the doctor. The perfect husband. The big manly man. The big strong daddy. Do you know the last time that I made love to my wife?
George Michael: No.
Tobias: I’ll tell you when.
George Michael: No, don’t.
Tobias: See, nothing has ever been easy for us. I mean, the only reason she went out with me was to piss off her boyfriend. The only reason she ever married me was to piss off her mother. And, then, of course, we couldn’t conceive, so there was that famous ordeal.
George Michael: Wh-What do you mean, you couldn’t conceive? Was Maeby adopted? Is she not really related to me? Is she just some girl I know?
Tobias: Ah, it’s Carl Weathers. Yes, Carl Weathers? I did? That’s... that’s wonderful. That’s... Ha! I booked it! I booked the acting job! Did you hear that, Lindsay? You could have been sleeping with Frightened Inmate #2.
Narrator: And Lucille was experiencing being alone for the first time. Unable to sleep, she decided to watch TV.
George: You have got to learn to be alone.
Narrator: Then she remembered that with no one to disturb, she could turn up the volume as loud as she wanted.
George: You have to find the joy within yourself.
Narrator: And that’s when Lucille realized that she just might like being alone after all.
Music: / Mama’s lettin’ loose / / Mama’s got the stuff, Mama’s lettin’ go... /
Narrator: The next night, Michael had dinner with Marta at her house, hoping to finally get the answers he was looking for.
Michael: So, um, about G.O.B., how’s that going?
Marta: Well, as you said, finding out who you really are, it can be painful, but you can’t live a lie.
Michael: No, I can’t, but some people find a way to make that work.
Marta: Yes, but sometimes, working at something, it’s a way to not deal with some other things.
Michael: But... he who often suggests uh, working on another thing, which, when the first thing is not...
Marta: Will you excuse me for a moment?
Michael: Yes. Sure.
Marta: What the hell is he talking about?
Amable: Can I have a piece of cake?
Narrator: And Michael saw an opportunity to get the information he wasn’t getting from Marta from her son.
Michael: I’ll tell you what, I got a deal for you, partner. I’ll give you what you want... if you give me what I want. Tell me everything you know about... Hermano.
Michael: Does your mother love Hermano?
Amable: Si, mi hermano.
Michael: He’s here?
Amable: Shh, he’s sleeping.
Marta: Don’t go in there.
Michael: Is there something you don’t want me to see?
Marta: What are you talking about?
Michael: You know, we can keep going around in circles, but maybe one of us should just come out and say what it is we want to say.
Marta: You’re right. It’s not working with G.O.B.
Michael: Why doesn’t he know that? You know you could’ve just come out and told him, you know, instead of lying and sneaking around and moving on to the next guy. I didn’t think you were that kind of a person. You know, I thought you and I shared the same values. I thought you and I could have been, uh... Nah, forget it. I don’t know how I had you so wrong.
Marta: You’re right. I should have told him before I invited you here. This could never be.
Narrator: Then he noticed the gift he had seen her buy.
Note reads, “Here’s the Tux. You bring the Flowers & Champagne... Te amo.”
Michael: What does “te amo” mean?
Amable: “I love you.”
Michael: Hm. And who’s in there?
Amable: Mi hermano.
Michael: Brother. I’ve made a huge mistake.
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, George Michael begins an investigation...
Maeby: So do you want to go to the movies? Ow!
George Michael: I’ll let you know when I get back from the lab.
Narrator: ... Tobias faces his greatest acting challenge...
Tobias: No, no, no, there’s a shower scene? I have to be nude?
Carl Weathers: Hey, you don’t shower with your clothes on, now, do you?
Narrator: ... and Buster rebounds from Lucille, too.
Marta: Yo te quiero mucho.
Buster: (Repeating.) Yo te quiero mucho. Te amo, Marta. Te amo.