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|Season Three, Episode Four|
"Notapusy" was written by Ron Weiner.
Narrator: Michael was heading to work when he saw something he had never seen before lunch, his twin sister Lindsay.
Michael: You’re up?
Lindsay: Yeah, I work for our attorney now.
Michael: Bob Loblaw, of course. What is he thinking? I mean, how’s it going?
Lindsay: Lousy. I only took this nanny job so he’d give me a free divorce, and then marry me, so I’d never have to work again. But all he seems to care about is that daughter of his.
Hope: I got my horse to canter today—first time.
Lindsay: I’ve always wanted to make love on a horse.
Hope: And tomorrow, we’re going to work without a lunge-line.
Lindsay: That’s so funny, because I can put my leg behind my head. I mean, come on, I’m the nanny...
Michael: Of course. Who wouldn’t want to snog the nanny?
Lindsay: Snog? Is that another one of your new British-isms?
Narrator: It was. Michael had recently fallen bum-over-noggin for a beautiful Englishwoman called Rita.
Michael: Did I say “snog” again? Oh, bloody hell. Listen, you want to win over Bob, you got to win over the kid, and here’s what you do. You find something that you’re good at, and you share it with her. And while you’re at it, share it with us, too. And try to not to act so desperate. Oh, my God! Did I miss a call?
Rita: (On answering machine.) This is Rita. Just wanted to say “hi.” I’m on my way to the train station. Bye-bye.
Michael: She’s leaving. I’ve got to get over there!
Narrator: Michael raced to the station...
Lindsay: God, is that how I look?
Narrator: ...where Rita was being given her ticket.
Trevor: ...and your instructions. Call me if you get in over your head.
Michael: Hey, hi, there, Rita. Hey... Michael. Hi. Where are you going and how long you going for? You’re right. Do not answer that. You know, I’m not getting clingy.
Rita: Why are you breathing like that?
Michael: Oh, I wasn’t hurrying to come stop you. I was out on for my daily, uh... Do you run at all?
Rita: Oh, yes. I was in the Olympics once. I won a silver medal.
Michael: You’re that Rita Leeds? Oh, my goodness. And the silver medal. Yes, and you came in second. Now I’m very embarrassed to be out of breath in front of you. But you take my breath away.
Rita: Oh, Michael. You’re such bleep.
Narrator: Michael was stunned. He assumed Rita was using the word bleep in the American sense, meaning weak or cowardly. In fact, Rita meant it in the British sense, meaning sweet or gentle, as in “pussycat.”
Reggie: The Jerries aren’t so bad. They’re just being led by a rotten apple.
Adelaide: Oh, Reggie. Fighting for your country— you’re such a pussy.
Reggie: When I miss your lips, I’ll put a bleep in my mouth and think of you.
Narrator: That also had a different meaning over there.
Narrator: Michael returned home, hoping to take solace in his son’s company.
Michael: Hey, just the guy I was looking for. Thinking you and I should maybe go play a little catch, you know? Maybe go for a run. Do some guy stuff.
George Michael: But we’re not good at that stuff.
Michael: Yes, I am. We... both are.
Narrator: Michael and his son had never been a very successful athletic team. In fact, the only thing George Michael really liked was hanging motionless from the monkey bars. Which the President’s Council on Fitness ranks as “slightly easier than the slide.”
Michael: Anyway, I was just thinking that maybe we should emphasize athletics a little bit more in this family. I’m gonna start us off with a protein drink, okay? (Throws a glass at George Michael.)
Michael: Still doing that, huh?
Michael: Well, I do think we should go for a run, huh? Some real guy stuff.
George Michael: I’m supposed to go fabric shopping with Ann today.
Michael: I think we can go butcher.
George Michael: Uh, uh, no. We’re making a gown. She’s gonna be in a beauty pageant.
Michael: Yeah, who’s Ann?
George Michael: My-My girlfriend. She’s... You’ve met her so many times— met her and met her...
Michael: No. I know who Annabelle is. Who’s the Ann that’s in the beauty pageant?
George Michael: That’s her. Her name isn’t Annabelle, that’s Ann.
Michael: No, I know her name’s not Annabelle. That’s how I remember her name, ’cause her body’s kind of shaped like a... She’s the belle of the ball.
Michael: What is she doing in the beauty pageant? She’s... she running the lights or something?
George Michael: She’s in it. She’s a contestant. It’s sort of like an inner beauty pageant.
Michael: Ah! There it is. Is it like a Christian thing?
George Michael: Well, it’s half. It’s at the State Fair, which this year is gonna be a Church and State Fair.
Narrator: It seems the state had run out of money and was going to cancel the fair.
Maeby: I got some news for you. There’s no such thing as an inner beauty pageant. They’re just gonna pick the chick with the best T and A.
Narrator: As a child, Maeby had been entered into a number of progressive pageants that claimed to celebrate beauty in all its forms. But the winners still tended to have it “going on” in the conventional sense.
Lindsay: Remember how badly you used to want to win?
Maeby: No, I remember how badly you used to want me to win.
Lindsay: Yeah, we should have.
Lindsay: I don’t know where that hair of yours came from.
Tobias: Shameless Plugs, on Placentia. Looks pretty good, huh? And they’re not licensed, which means big savings.
Tobias: That’s been happening a lot lately.
Lindsay: You know what? This is the perfect thing to do.
Maeby: No, Mom, I’m not gonna do it.
Lindsay: Oh, no, no, not you. Bob’s daughter, Hope. If I can get Hope this crown, maybe her father might just want to crown me, if you know what I mean.
Michael: I’m guessing “have sex”, but that’s meeting you more than halfway.
Michael: Tobias. Want to clean up that... mirror? And the vase?
Tobias: Perhaps if I can coach a certain young lady to victory in this pageant I can gain back the respect of my wife. I’ll show them a little T and A.
Maeby: You can’t make me do it, Dad.
Tobias: Tobias and Ann.
George Michael: My Ann? No, I don’t think we need any help.
Tobias: Oh, George Michael, she’s a girl. I need to teach her how to be a woman. Within her lies a queen. Let me out that queen.
Michael: Yeah, I think you just did.
G.O.B.: Oh, let me get that for you. Um, so...
G.O.B.: A young neighborhood tough by the name of Steve Holt’s gonna be here any minute.
Michael: Your son.
G.O.B.: According to him.
Michael: And a DNA test.
G.O.B.: I heard the jury’s still out on science.
G.O.B.: Anyway, he wants to go to the fair, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings. So, I need you to do it. Just tell him that I’m out of town on one of my trips.
Michael: I’m not gonna lie to your son.
G.O.B.: Come on. I lie to yours all the time. Michael, I’m not ready to be a dad. Plus, I’m gonna be very busy this week being a judge for the pageant.
Narrator: G.O.B. had been a pageant judge for years.
G.O.B.: You can’t believe what it does for your sex life.
Michael: I don’t want to hear it.
G.O.B.: I don’t want to say it. First place chick is hot, but has an attitude, doesn’t date magicians. Second place is someone weird usually, like a Chinese girl or a geologist. But third place, although a little bit plain, has super low self-esteem. So I step in and, uh, lay her crown upon my sweet head.
Michael: Have I missed this euphemism?
Knock at door.
Steve Holt: Steve Holt!
G.O.B.: I should go.
Steve Holt: He’s hiding from me, isn’t he?
Michael: You know, uh, you got to stop saying your name all the time.
Steve Holt: It’s just, they have this father-son triathlon and... I just wanted him to do it with me. Stupid, huh?
Michael: Oh, that’s a pretty tough race.
Steve Holt: Only for a wimp, a wuss, a bleep.
Narrator: And Steve didn’t mean pussycat.
Michael: Uh, Steve... how’d you like to do that triathlon with me?
Steve Holt: Are you serious?
Steve Holt: Uncle Mike!
Michael: Steve Holt!
Narrator: Both men felt good about themselves.
Michael: Uncle Mike!
Steve Holt: Steve Holt!
Narrator: But G.O.B. didn’t share their enthusiasm.
G.O.B.: So this is how Michael gets rid of my son? By stealing him? Well, I’ll just have to steal something of his. Like, say, his bicycle. (Menacingly.) As a... placeholder.
Narrator: Michael was trying to prove his manliness with Steve Holt.
Michael: Rita. Hey, it’s Michael. Just want to let you know that I’m running the triathlon at the fair, and if you’re back in t... Oh, I can’t believe I chose this moment to call you.
Narrator: Meanwhile, at the Church and State Fair, Maeby was trying to enroll in the pageant. Sort of.
Fran: Your situation poses a problem. Let me talk to our chairman.
George Michael: Hey, what are you doing, Maeby?
Maeby: It’s Surely. I’m just here to prove that all these pageants care about is looks. Just watch, Surely’s inner beauty will get trumped by her outer icky.
George Michael: What happened to your nose?
Maeby: It’s part of the disguise. Isn’t it cool? The same one Nicole Kidman wore in The Hours.
Narrator: It had been purchased for her at a charity auction she’d attended as a studio executive...
Jamie Kennedy: $10,000.
Narrator: ... by Jamie Kennedy.
Maeby: Oh, you’re such a dear. But I’m not putting you in my remake of "A Thoroughly Polite Dustup".
Fran: Miss Woolfbeak, although it costs quite a bit to put in a ramp for you, we got approval. You’re in.
Narrator: As Maeby found herself stuck in a beauty pageant, Lucille was meeting with attorney Bob Loblaw about getting her son out of the Army.
Lucille: My God, he’s already lost a hand. If he loses a leg, how will we ever get him out of the apartment?
Bob Loblaw: Well, the Army does have a one-in-one-out program, where the inductee is relieved of duty once he enlists someone to take his place.
Buster: So I’m supposed to find some poor, innocent soul and hook him?
Lucille: Well, that’s not going to help sign anyone. Where’s your hand?
Buster: Oh, it got stuck in the prize hole again.
Lucille: I told you not to play that stupid game anymore.
Buster: Ah! There goes number three.
Buster: I wasn’t playing it. I was just trying to get my other one back.
Michael: Hi, sorry, sorry, totally forgot about this meeting. What’s going on?
Bob Loblaw: Your father’s gotten a lot of bad press because of the escape attempts. Volunteer for something.
Larry: I’ll do anything to get out of this bleeping apartment.
Lucille: You’ll do anything to get out of bleeping in this apartment.
Larry: Ah, you’re drunk.
Michael: Yeah, Mom, can you just... And Dad... You know, why do we even need the surrogate? You know, Dad’s in the apartment.
Larry: Don’t come in here.
George: Don’t come in here. I said not to come in.
Michael: Would you get out here, please?
George: I’m watching the game.
Larry: I said not to come in.
Michael: I did not spending money on a surrogate so you can hust...
Larry: I’m watching the game. I lost him.
Michael: You’ve got your hands full trying to make this guy look good.
Bob Loblaw: There’s a “Startled Straight” program at the fair, which involves you speaking with at-risk male youth to scare them away from criminal behavior.
George: Okay, I can do that. Uh, I’m gonna need some big blown up photos of your mother.
Michael: They’re talking about your time in prison, Dad.
George: Oh, okay. Why not? I mean, uh, if I don’t win this thing, I’m gonna be back there anyway.
Buster: “At Risk Male Youth.” That spells “Army.”
Narrator: And that’s when Buster discovered a recruiting pool the government had been fishing for years.
Buster: I may head down there, too.
Michael: I don’t know, Dad, Startled Straight? I’m not sure you’re the guy for that, but I’ll look into it while I’m down at the fair signing up for a triathlon.
George: Triathlon? Do you know how hard a triathlon is? People lose control of every bodily function. Didn’t you ever see that video? It’s like your mother on New Year’s Eve.
Narrator: Actually, Lucille went down faster.
George: You’re not even in shape! You’re gonna fall apart in front of everybody.
Michael: You’re kind of scaring me, Dad.
George: You see? Perfect for this Startled Straight thing.
Narrator: Tobias was getting Ann ready for the talent portion of the pageant.
Tobias: I think we need something with a little more spectacle in the act. Something that will make you look small and pretty in comparison. A camel.
George Michael: You know, she has a really lovely singing voice.
Ann: I’ll sing to the camel.
Tobias: Yes, we can Google some disco songs with the word “hump” in them.
George Michael: No, that sounds a bit racy.
Tobias: Okay. He may be afraid of sex, but you’re not going to win without it.
George Michael: No, I’m not afraid of sex...
Tobias: Oh, good. Have sex with this girl right now. Do it, go. Get in there. Have some sex with her right now. I didn’t think so. Ann, you need to decide whether you want a man or a boy. I know how I’d answer.
Ann: Give us some room, George Michael, I can’t breathe.
Tobias: Okay, now you’re upsetting the talent. Out! Get out!
Narrator: Michael, meanwhile, had begun training for the triathlon to keep from humiliating himself in front of Rita.
Steve Holt: Don’t ask “can I?” Ask “I can!” You can control your bladder when you’re dead. No blood, no oil! There’s no “I” in “win.”
Narrator: Michael returned confident in his manliness, when he ran into his son, who was questioning his own.
Michael: Hey, how is that pageant going?
George Michael: Well... turns out Ann doesn’t want me around during it.
George Michael: Hey, now you and me can go to that fair together tomorrow, after all.
George Michael: Yeah, do some man stuff.
Michael: Hey, actually, I have already signed up for the father-son triathlon.
George Michael: Oh, okay, great, yeah, I did want to do that with you.
Michael: I mean, I’ve already promised Steve Holt. I thought he was older, and... more manly.
George Michael: You don’t think I’m manly?
Michael: No, no, it’s just, uh... Darn that Annabelle, she ruins everything!
Narrator: But the next morning, Michael awoke to discover every muscle in his body was exacting revenge.
Narrator: And so was his brother, G.O.B.
Michael: Hey, does anyone know why my handlebars are in my bed?!
Narrator: The Church and State Fair was in full swing.
Hope: (Singing.) The Lord has a place / but my body wants to go / all state on you / The Lord has a place / but my body wants to go / all state on you.
Narrator: And Lindsay watched with pride as Hope Loblaw did an original number that Lindsay herself had written.
Hope: (Singing.) / All state... on you. /
Rev. Rob Patterson: And now, please welcome Annabelle Veal, performing “We Three Kings” with a camel tow.
Ann: / We three kings... /
Narrator: Michael arrived at the fair, sore from over-training.
Michael: Can’t really go that high. I’m in a lot of pain, here.
Steve Holt: Yeah, you know, I figured you’d be that way, so, uh— Coach gave me these. They’re, uh, pills filled with oxygen.
Steve Holt: They keep you from being incontinent. Have one, they’re called Oxy-Incontinent.
Narrator: Steve didn’t have that quite right.
Narrator: But Michael thought Rita might be coming, and he was desperate to impress her. Meanwhile, Maeby was trying to get knocked out of the pageant.
Pope Impersonator: Pope Impersonator, Church. How has God influenced your life?
Maeby: About just as much as Big Bird and the Keebler elves.
Pope Impersonator: Well, my faith would’ve been shaken if He had taken my legs, too.
G.O.B.: G.O.B. Bluth. State. I was betrayed by my brother, Michael! Who’s your favorite family member, and why?
Maeby: Definitely not my shallow, materialistic mother, who only cares about looks.
G.O.B.: I think we all feel that way about our mothers, and we all have legs.
Narrator: Meanwhile, George, Sr. arrived at the Startled Straight tent.
Buster: I’ll be waiting out here with my enlistment forms, so go in there and scare them right into my open arm!
Narrator: But as it turns out, the fair had two Startled Straight tents. And George, Sr. had wandered into the church-sponsored one...
George: Do you want to become some guy’s girlfriend?
Narrator: ...intended to scare gay young men into a heterosexual lifestyle.
George: You want to have some guy reach around you in the middle of the night, start messing with your junk?
Boy #1: Is he ugly?
George: No, it's pitch black. You don't see him, and it never stops, guys. And everybody acts like it's no big deal.
Boy #2: Is there a cover charge?
Narrator: And the Inner Beauty Pageant was down to the final three.
Moderator: Will it be the beautiful Hope Loblaw? The stalwart Annabelle Veal? Or the justifiably-bitter Surely Woolfbeak?
Narrator: It became clear that Surely was going to win.
Maeby I'm sorry. This is wrong.
Narrator: And that's when Maeby displayed some real inner beauty.
Maeby One of these girls deserves to win.
Man in Audience: She can stand! The Lord's blessed her!
Tobias That's how I know her.
G.O.B.: Let us pray.
Maeby Oh, for God's sake.
Woman in Audience Praise the Lord!
Narrator: And Michael, now feeling a little woozy, arrived to see the triathlon course, which consisted of several tricycles, five inflatable pools...
Michael What the hell is this?
Narrator: ...and fathers and sons being manacled together.
Steve Holt: Don't let it psyche you out. Did that Oxy-Incontinent set in yet?
Michael You knew this is what the race was?
Steve Holt: Kind of... I mean, they change it every year, so you can't replicate it on your lawn, but...
Michael Why did you let me train so hard?
Steve Holt: I just thought you wanted to hang out and do guy stuff.
Michael This isn't guy stuff.
Steve Holt: I don't know why I thought you'd want to do this. It's stupid, huh?
Michael No, Steve, Steve... you're not going anywhere.
Steve Holt: You'll do it with me?
Michael We're chained together. But, you know, Rita's not here yet, and what the hell - Let's go win this thing.
Steve Holt: Let's win this thing!
Michael: What the hell!
Steve Holt: What the hell!
Michael: Come on, let's go ahead and start up.
Narrator: And, after the pageant, George Michael went to congratulate Ann.
George Michael: Well, congratulations on coming in third. That's amazing. And I heard you're the first camel act to ever crack the top ten, too, so that's like a record. And I'm a bit relieved, because, um... I was... I thought maybe if you came in first you would have outgrown me.
Ann: Outgrown you. That is the term I've been looking for.
Narrator: It seems G.O.B. was right about what happens to third-place contestants.
Ann: I met a man.
Narrator: George Michael was devastated. It seemed he'd lost his girl and his father because he wasn't man enough. And he was faced with a choice.
Narrator: Michael and Steve Holt finished their triathlon in first place. Of course, they were way older.
Michael: Believe it or not, that took about everything I've got. I don't know what was in that pill, but I do not feel great.
Steve Holt: Gonna get a little worse before it gets better.
Steve Holt: But we won!
Buster: Hey, possible nephew.
Steve Holt: Oh, hey.
Buster: Michael, your son’s signing up for the Army.
Michael: What? You signed him up for the Army?
Buster: You’re right, if he goes in, I get out. I’ve got to get my name on his form.
Michael: Hang on, hey! I got to get there; I got to stop this! Do this with me!
Narrator: And that’s when Rita noticed Michael.
Michael: Wait for me!
Rita: Could you not finish?
Michael: No, first place! First place, I swear, but I’m sorry, I got to go do something— wait, I’m dizzy.
Steve Holt: Uncle Mike, come on. I’ll take you.
Michael: No, no, Steve Steve, Steve!
Steve Holt: Hiya. No, let’s go, come on. Come on, let’s go.
Narrator: And, meanwhile, George, Sr. hadn’t succeeded in startling anyone but himself.
George: I mean, there’s nothing to do all day except lift weights, and fold laundry, get thrown into a cage with a bunch of sweaty men. Excuse me. I can’t go back, I can’t go back!
Teen Boy #1: Well, I’m glad he won’t be there.
Narrator: George, Sr. came across a U.S. Army Combat Humvee and the Popemobile. And he decided to escape in the bulletproof one.
George: No, no, no, no, no. Come on! I can’t go back.
Narrator: And Michael caught up with George Michael...
Michael: What are you doing?
Narrator: ..who was three rungs away from being in the Army.
George Michael: I’m becoming a man, Dad. Isn’t that what everybody wants?
Michael: Of course not— G.O.B., can you get us out of these chains, please?
G.O.B.: So you steal my son, and now you need me to save yours. All right, one key coming up.
Michael: He’s a magician.
Buster: I need you to sign this form.
George Michael: No, it’s good, Dad. There’s all sorts of benefits, and it’s like a family... but it’s also an army of one. And it’s no place for wimps.
Michael: George Michael, you have a family, okay, and I’m the wimp, not you... because I could not take you being away in the Army. All right? I love you.
G.O.B.: (Retches out key.) That did it.
Michael: He’s not signing up.
Sergeant: That’s too bad. I was this close to getting out.
George Michael: I think I’m gonna go get one of those corn dog crosses.
Michael: With all the “crucifixins”?
George Michael: Right. Thanks, Dad.
Rita: Was that your son?
Michael: Yes, Rita, yeah. Most important person in the world to me.
Rita: You really are quite a man, Michael.
Michael: Do you really think so?
Rita: Oh, yes. You’re a complete and utter bleep.
Narrator: I can’t believe we had to bleep that. It would have been such a nice moment.
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Buster signs up Steve Holt up for the Army, ...
G.O.B.: No, you can’t, you can’t! I’m finally ready to be a father to you. I know that now.
Steve Holt: I don’t go in for another two years.
G.O.B.: Well, as your father, can’t I sign something?
Narrator: ... and George, Sr. finds out that a fake Popemobile ...
Narrator: ... can’t stop real bullets.
George: Thank God I wasn’t in the Humvee.