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Transcript of Off the Hook

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S4 Trailer (39)

Transcript of "Off the Hook"
Written by: Mitch Hurwitz & Jim Vallely


Season Four, Episode Fourteen

Starring:
Jason Bateman as Michael Bluth
Portia de Rossi as Lindsay Bluth Fünke
Will Arnett as G.O.B.
Michael Cera as George Michael Bluth
Alia Shawkat as Maeby Fünke
Tony Hale as Buster Bluth
David Cross as Tobias Fünke
Jeffrey Tambor as George Bluth
Jessica Walter as Lucille Bluth
Ron Howard as Narrator

Guest Starring:
Henry Winkler as Barry Zuckerkorn
Terry Crews as Herbert Love
Andy Richter as Rocky Richter-Wang
Martin Mull as Gene Parmesan
Peter Jason as Storage Dave
Ian Roberts as Dr. Fishman
Liza Minnelli as Lucille Austero
BW Gonzalez as Lupe
Bernie Kopell as Judge Kornzucker
Eli Vargas as Perfecto Telles
Adrian Kali Turner as Julius
Mekai Curtis as Irving
Garcelle Beauvais as Ophelia Love
Laurel Coppock as Maggie
Justin Lopez as Guard Joe
Lamonica Garrett as Drew
Jackson Dismukes as Peters
Brian Patrick Wade as Sergeant Melnick
Josh Stamberg as Sergeant Briggs
Phil Reeves as Colonel Smalls
Zach Woods as Trippler
Eric Edelstein as Paramedic
Andy Buckley as Colonel Grimm
Thomas Creston Frayser as Colonel B. Arthur
Lennon Parham as Therapist Sandy
Diedrich Bader as Gunner
Jillian Armenante as Armstrong
James Pumphrey as Fake General
Rebekka Johnson as Check out nurse
Kelly Sry as Jeremy
George Orellana as Balboa guard Carl


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Transcript

The following is the transcript of the Season Four episode "Off the Hook". Memorable quotes are highlighted below.

"Off the Hook" was written by Mitch Hurwitz & Jim Vallely.

Act 1Edit

Love family home

Narrator: It was Tres de Cinco, or the day before Cinco de Cuatro, and Buster Bluth had finally found a family he fit in with.

Caption: Buster Bluth, fitting in

Buster: Where's Mother?

The boys point.

Buster: (looking at their homework) Way to go, way to go.

Buster enters the bedroom.

Buster: Hi. I know you've been down today, so I brought you this. They're for Cinco. In case you wanted to make confetti out of something other than the pictures that they sell of the chubby Linda Ronstadt.

Ophelia Love: I am so blessed to have you in my life.

Buster: I'm so blessed to have you in my life. Just six weeks ago, I was a hot mess. I was desperate for a mother, and I don't think I could admit it.

Narrator: As you'll see, he admits it plenty.

Buster: But now look at me. I'm with a beautiful, elegant woman! And I think we should take it to the next level.

Ophelia kisses Buster.

Cut to: Queen Mary

Narrator: Buster had come a long way since his fear of boats...

Buster screams.

Narrator: ...was conquered...

Buster: (BLEEP) baby.

Narrator: ...and then rekindled, only to find himself facing a bigger fear.

Buster falls overboard and spots the seal with the bowtie.

Buster: Oh, come on!

Narrator: But his biggest fear wasn't confronting a wet loose seal...

Cut to: coast guard office

Narrator: ...it was losing one.

Lucille: Hey!

Buster: What are you doing? Wait, she doesn't have her make-up, I have her lipstick! Mother! Michael!

Michael: Yeah. It's a tough one, because there's about 400 witnesses that are ready to throw her underneath the boat. I don't think I can even help.

Narrator: Buster was distraught, and made some foolish mistakes.

Cut to: penthouse

Buster: Hey, Lupe.

Lupe: Oh, Buster.

Narrator: Like this.

Lupe: Are you going to be all right?

Buster: Oh...

Lupe: You want to me stay? I was planning to visit with my family.

Buster: Oh, no. And just watch, Mother is going to come waltzing through that door any day now, and she is going to be screaming, "Make sure you frisk that girl before-" I'll be fine.

They hug, and Buster peeks into her purse behind her back.

Lupe: That's my perfume.

Buster: Good. Okay, good. She wouldn't wear that.

Narrator: When his father didn't return, either, Buster stuck to his daily routine.

Lays out Lucille's clothes, topped by a photo of her face.

Buster: You're welcome.

Narrator: Laying out Mother's clothes.

Buster: All right. (singing) The vodka goes in, you pour it in there...

Narrator: Making Mother's breakfast.

Buster: (singing) The olive on top, then you call your m- ...Mother.

Buster returns to the bedroom.

Buster: (chuckles) This is bugging me.

Narrator: And amusing himself with little jokes...

Buster tapes the photo of Lucille's head to a cushion.

Buster: Ah! Finito!

Narrator: ...he thought she'd appreciate.

Buster: Except for the hair.

Caption: moments later...

Buster: You have reduced. (laughs) Well, you're not that skinny. (stuffs clothes with pillows) Welcome home, Chubs! (laughs) ...Oh, you will kill me for that. And I don't want that blood on my hands.

Narrator: And with his mother gone, it was nice to get a chance to use the sewing machine. Still, he found ways to feel good about himself.

Buster: (talking to the Lucille dummy) Thank you very much, mother. (mimicking Lucille) "Buster, you always come through." Oh, Mother, that's so nice. "No, no, no, no, no, I mean it. It's amazing work."

Narrator: But he knew it wasn't real.

Buster: Okay. I need to stop. (giggles) Or I'm going to be committed.

Narrator: At first.

Buster: What? (turns back to dummy) But that would take hours.

Cut to: Buster naked at sewing machine

Buster: This is going to be just stunning. You are always so right. (giggles) And then the waiter came back, and he said, "Oh, I'm sorry. Who are you?" And I said, "I'm Buster Bluth. That's the fourth time I've told you."

Narrator: Soon, he had run out of food...

Buster opens a well-stocked cupboard.

Narrator: ...that he knew how to make. But everywhere he looked, he found mocking reminders of the woman he'd lost.

Buster gasps upon seeing a recipe for "Mock Mother's Pie" labeled "SERVES 3-5".

Narrator: He did find some supplies from one of his mother's "I can quit any time" stints.

Buster: (looking at mini vodka bottle) Aw. Cute.

Narrator: But the emotional lift was temporary.

Label on bottle: "NOT AVAILABLE BEHIND BARS".

Narrator: And before long, things had gotten weird.

Buster: Put the olive on top and you set it down for Mother.

Buster places martini glass beside dozens of others in front of the Lucille dummy.

Narrator: To an uninformed observer, it looked a little like that Vince Vaughn movie, Psycho.

Buster: I agree. Dancing With the Stars has gone completely downhill. "That pasta's way overcooked, Buster!" Well, you didn't leave me the simplest recipe, Mother.

Narrator: Finally, Lucille was released under house arrest, and everything returned to normal.

Lucille walks in to see martini glasses everywhere and Buster cuddling the dummy.

Lucille: Huh.

Buster: Ah. I was just thinking about you.

Act 2Edit

Narrator: Buster was passing time with Lucille...

Buster: (blindfolded) ...Chinchilla!

Narrator: ...by playing games like Guess the Fur.

Buster: The one you got after Dad had the affair with the chubby intern from Riverside.

Lucille: You win again, Buster. I know what's going to stump you. Close your eyes tight and plug your ears.

Buster goes to obey then remembers the hook.

Lucille: Just plug one ear and press the other one to the couch.

Buster: Mm-hmm.

Narrator: But after three months of being cooped up with her youngest son...

Lucille makes a break for the door.

Buster: Mother! Stop! Mother!

Narrator: ...Lucille was growing restive.

Buster: No! Mother! If the alarm goes off and they catch you they'll take you away forever!

Lucille: I can't take it anymore. I have to get out of here! I don't care. I can't keep playing Guess My Fur six times a day! I need a smoke. Oh, God.

Buster: Right to the smokes, huh? Give me a minute, let me catch my breath.

Narrator: And Buster refined a testimony that was meant to spare Lucille from jail...

Buster: Oh, and a fish swam by my ankle. That really happened. Should I keep that?

Lucille: Make it an eel.

Narrator: ...at a legal defense strategy meeting slash graduation party.

Buster: Okay. (shouting) It's gonna be an eel!

Barry: Better.

Michael: Congratulations, Mother, you've managed to combine people's fear of homosexuals and eels into one alibi.

Lucille: And he'll be wearing his Army uniform, so I can pretend I'm proud of him again.

Buster: I couldn't find my Army uniform. Oh! But I thought the jury might like it if I show up as John-John Kennedy.

Lucille: Oh, yeah, that went over great last time.

Balboa Bay Window cover: "Eternal Flames Offend at Motherboy."

Lucille: And it was offensive! Half your testicle was hanging out of that thing.

Buster: Good! I'm glad they saw it. It was like a Motherboy Ball, right?

George Michael: ...Hi.

Buster: Hi.

Lucille: Put on your new uniform, with long pants. And keep your ball joke to yourself, Andrew Dice Clay. So you can see why I need the testimony of someone who's not a hot mess.

Buster: You're a hot mess!

Lucille: You're a hot mess!

Michael: Let me get this straight. You won't let me help with your case...

Narrator: And the night before the trial, tensions had only gotten worse.

Buster: It sure would be a shame if something happened to your pretty little key witness.

Lucille: You need me just as much as I need you, cookie.

Buster: Oh, really? Because you can be replaced, you know.

Narrator: Can she?

Buster: And even if you can't, you're not the boss of me. Can I go to-? I'm going to the park!

Cut to: hallway outside penthouse

Lucille 2: Oh, Buster! Hello!

Buster: Hello to you too, 2. Oh, look at all this produce.

Lucille 2: I'm juicing now. Would you like to join me?

Buster: It's two o'clock in the afternoon...

Lucille 2: Honey, it's 8 a.m. somewhere. Oh, I forgot. Your mother wouldn't allow it.

Buster: Oh- I don't care what she wants! (lowers voice) Don't care what she wants. I don't do everything she tells me. Let's get juiced.

Act 3Edit

Narrator: The next morning Buster awoke with a vicious juice hangover.

Buster: Hey. (spots hacked-up dummy) Well, that was a freebie. Oh! Mother's trial!

Buster runs along the harbor dressed as John-John Kennedy.

Buster: Key witness! Key witness coming through! I'm a key w- I was making two ban...

Stops to salute soldiers.

Drill Sergeant: (singing) Late last night, it was drizzling rain...

Soldiers: (singing) Late last night, it was drizzling rain...

Buster: I'm a key witness...

Cut to: Crab Shack courtroom

Buster: Is it over?

Judge Kornzucker: No, no, the Grab-a-Crab fest just started.

Buster: Grab-a-Crab? Oh, ma'am, is, is, is there a verdict in the "My mother stole the Queen Mary" thing?

Waitress: It's all up on the dailies board.

Buster: Dailies? What? Clam- (screams on seeing verdict)

Lucille: The fish is frozen here! It's frozen! Do you really want to spend $30 on frozen fish? Buster! Where were you? This is all your fault.

Buster: No, I was making, was making a ban- I was making two ban-

Lucille: Save it. I can smell the cran-apple on you from here.

Buster: Oh, oh- when are you, where are you coming home?

Lucille: I'm serving three to five.

Buster: Like the saltless pie?

Lucille: I hope your juicy blender bender was worth it. Don't come to visit me because I won't see you! Oh, and good luck with your night terrors. Now no one will be there to hear your screams! (Buster screams) Won't miss it!

Buster: Where do, where do I go? What do I do? Where- (to Barry) Where'd you get the pirate hat? Where do, where do I go?

Narrator: And so Buster went back to the penthouse, feeling guilty and alone. And he couldn't bear to relive the time he was there without Lucille before.

Buster: I can't go through another two days like that.

Narrator: And that's how Buster decided to make another go at making another go at Lucille 2.

Lucille 2: Buster.

Buster: My mother's gone away, and I thought, you've always been like a...

Lucille 2: Girlfriend.

Buster: Not what I was going to say! Anyways, I was over there, and my friend's over here, and I thought, maybe I should just move in! Because I love to hear all about your medications and ailments and whatnot. Is that baby toe of your still crawling over the others like a weird weed?

Lucille 2: Oh, Buster, how sweet of you to remember.

Buster: Oh, it's one of my night terrors.

Lucille 2: But listen, Buster, before I invite you into my arms, my bedroom, my bathtub with the railing...

Buster: Mm.

Lucille 2: I have to ask you something.

Buster: Mm-hmm.

Lucille 2: Are you sure you're ready for this?

Buster: So that pretend kid's bedroom, is that not an option...?

Lucille 2: No, that room is all storage now, honey. So, yes or no? Are you ready to let go of your mother?

Narrator: Buster thought he was, although there was one ominous sign.

Buster: I am ready for that, Lucille.

Lucille 2 kisses him.

Narrator: Did you hear it?

Lucille 2: Wait! Did you just drop the 2 after my name?

Buster: (laughs) I hope not! That would be creepy.

Narrator: Before you accidentally skip back too far and wind up in the middle of the Maeby episode, trust me: no 2 was spoken.

Cut to: Lucille's prison

Narrator: Every day, Buster visited the prison where his mother was incarcerated.

Buster: Buster Bluth and pie for his... Lucille Bluth.

Narrator: And every day, she refused to see him.

Cut to: massage room

Lucille: No.

Cut to: front desk

Guard: She doesn't want to see you.

Buster: Excellent. (faceplants into pie and cries)

Narrator: He even pretended to be an old college flame of Lucille's to gain admittance.

Buster: Hello.

Cut to: dining room

Lucille: Alex Trebek?

Narrator: She then rephrased it in the form of a question.

Lucille: Who is Alex Trebek?

Guard: Buster.

Cut to: front desk

Guard: No, Buster.

Buster: Hmm. ...Do you have a pie or small sponge cake available?

Guard returns with pie.

Buster: Ah.

Guard: Here you go.

Buster faceplants into the pie.

Cut to: Lucille 2's penthouse

Narrator: And while his days were spent trying to get his mother to love him...

Lucille 2: Ooh, Buster!

Narrator: ...his nights were concerned with getting his lover to mother him.

Lucille 2: You're just in time. I hope you are in the mood for a hot tomato.

Buster: Mmm. Soup? With little grilled cheese sandwiches on the side?

Lucille 2: Buster. That was innuendo.

Buster: Oh.

Lucille 2: My Lord, it's like we're speaking different languages here.

Buster: No, it's not. It is working. I'm getting hungry.

Lucille 2: For love?

Buster: No. Is this another one of those nights where nothing is as it seems and there's no cream pie for dessert?

Lucille 2: Holy Toledo, Buster, sometimes I think I'm nothing but a Horn & Hardart to you.

Buster: Ohh... what happened to innuendo? Let's do it quick.

Lucille 2: It's an old restaurant.

Buster: Oh! A restaurant! I don't care if it's old! Look who I'm dating! Let's go there. Let's go there now.

Lucille 2: Buster. You can either be a son or a lover. And right now, you're no good to me as a lover.

Buster: Maybe you're right. Maybe this has been wrong from the start. Mom.

Lucille 2: Out.

Narrator: And since he couldn't bear to go back to the penthouse...

Lucille 2: Out!

Cut to: pawn shop

Storage Dave: (on TV) You know, if tomorrow you don't open up and let someone else in...

Narrator: ...Buster needed to raise some money.

Storage Dave: ...then the treasures you have inside...

Buster: This is my Motherboy IV medal. That's when I was a kangaroo in her pouch. What'll you give me for it?

Narrator: But Buster wasn't the first Motherboy to hit hard times.

Buster: (offering hook jewels) What will you give me for these? (as man removes them) All-time low.

Narrator: And that's when Buster found inspiration.

Poster: "JOIN THE ARMED FORCES - MAKE HER PROUD"

Buster: She certainly looks proud of her son.

Cut to: Army recruiting office

Buster: I'm baaack!

Narrator: As it turned out, Buster returned on the very day the Army policy regarding sexual orientation had changed.

Buster: Look who's back...

Drew: Are you gay?

Buster: No.

Drew: You can tell me.

Buster: I'm not.

Peters: It's okay. Drew, tell him.

Drew: I'm gay.

Buster: Oh.

Drew: Peters is gay. Sergeant Melnick's gay.

Sergeant Melnick: Bye.

Drew: Oh, sorry, he's bi.

Sergeant Melnick: No, I'm going home for the day. I'm gay.

Peters: Yeah, it really makes no difference to us. We'll find something for you.

Buster: Perfect. I was looking for something. You said "something," right?

Narrator: And that's how Buster officially reenlisted in the Army.

Cut to: Lucille's prison

Narrator: And it's why, six months later...

Sergeant Briggs: Lucille Bluth?

Narrator: ...Lucille Bluth got some bad news.

Lucille: Yes?

Sergeant Briggs: I'm here to see you about your son.

Lucille: Oh, this is a ploy. He's trying to get me to see him. How do I know you're really in the Army? Who did Larry Kert replace in Company?

Sergeant Briggs: I don't know. I know who he thought he was replacing, and it was Dean Jones. But he didn't come close.

Lucille: My Buster?

Narrator: And Lucille rushed to the hospital.

Lucille: What happened? Where's my son?

Literal Doctor: Mrs. Bluth, your son went down while piloting a plane over Afghanistan.

Lucille: Oh, my God.

Literal Doctor: He deserves a big hand for that and we gave him one. I'm afraid, besides that, there's nothing we can do.

Buster: Hi, Mother.

Lucille: Well, you look fine. The doctor said you went down while piloting a plane over Afghanistan.

Buster: Oh, yeah, that plane was in Afghanistan.

Cut to: drone control room

Narrator: It seems the Army had taken advantage of childlike interest in games.

Buster: This is so much more fun than Guess the Fur.

Narrator: And his childlike inability to distinguish between games and reality.

Buster: Oh! (laughs)

Narrator: So they set him up as a drone pilot here.

Sign: ANAHEIM PLAZA - DR. ONE CENTER

Colonel Smalls: Want to go to lunch, Private Bluth?

Buster: Not till I take out the hospital!

Colonel Smalls: I tell you, this kid's amazing. If I had him back in the 60s, Cuba would be the 51st state.

Buster: You're not gonna get away from me, little nurse! Ah!

Narrator: He had been playing for 47 straight hours.

Buster: Next time! Take that, Taliban wedding! (laughs)

Narrator: But like anyone who plays video games for too long, he started to make mistakes.

Trippler: Hey, Bluth, you just took out an art museum in Madrid.

Buster: You can go to Spain in this thing?

Trippler: Maybe you should take a break. You could've hurt some innocent people.

Buster: Innocent people? You mean I've been hurting guilty people! Oh!

Narrator: But Buster was a peaceful man.

Buster struggles to get up.

Trippler: Stop it, you're strapped in!

Buster sets off sparks in his flailing and his chair tips over.

Buster: God!

Trippler: Pilot down!

Narrator: It was the kind of emergency that the drone pilot paramedics had long been waiting for.

Trippler: Medic! Where the hell's the medic! I got a man down!

Medic: Sorry we're late. Some kid swallowed an eye at the Build-a-Bear.

Trippler: Why do they have us at a mini-mall?

Narrator: It was the first known injury to a drone pilot, and the Army took it seriously.

Colonel Grimm: Apparently no one told him that they were real planes. If this guy comes after us they could pull funding for the whole program.

Colonel B. Arthur: So, how do we buy off ol' One Arm?

Colonel Grimm: First we gotta find something he needs.

Colonel Smalls: Well, we do have the bionics program.

Private King: Ice cream!

Colonel Smalls: Maybe we shouldn't be discussing this here.

Colonel Grimm: Yeah, I think we're at those kids' table.

Lucille: So, you fell out of a chair, and for this the government gives you applause?

Buster: No. A big hand. (points to oversized bionic hand)

Lucille: I thought I recognized that little son of a bitch. (yelling at Literal Doctor) This is why you can't keep a job at one hospital! (to Buster) Why does it have to be so big?

Buster: Well, they said the miniaturization comes later. I mean, you remember how big your first cell phone was.

Lucille: That was a phone. This looks like you're pointing to a place that buys your gold.

Buster: I haven't learned how to control it yet. They're gonna work with me.

Lucille: So, you had me come out here under false pretenses?

Buster: You wouldn't come here any other way! You haven't seen me in a year. It's why I went to Army, to win you back. You have to forgive me.

Lucille: It's not about forgiving you! Although I don't.

Buster: Huh.

Lucille: You need to grow up, Buster, because I can't take care of you anymore. I need to get away, get away. You're hopelessly hopeless, Buster. It's as if they wrote that song for my own son.

Buster: Hmm?

Lucille: I'm glad you have a new hand. But you need to find someone else to hold it. Tell the prison limo to come around!

Guard: (into radio) Bring the limo round.

Buster: Fine! I got my own family now! Army! And they want me. You guys want me, right?

Literal Doctor: Oh, yeah. They're not gonna invest this kind of money without wanting you for keeps.

Buster: Oh, good.

Literal Doctor: Once you learn how to use that thing, they're gonna turn you into a killing monster.

Buster: Monster?

Literal Doctor: (removing fake mustache) This doesn't make me look sexy. Throw it out.

Buster: Well, that explains the photo shoot.

Top Secret Magazine cover: "Monster Hand! IT WORKS!"

Cut to: bathroom set

Narrator: And so Buster began a rehab program he was terrified to succeed at.

Therapist: Okay, uh, open the cabinet, please. (Buster thumps cabinet) Whoa.

Buster: Too hard.

Therapist: Uh, I think that was too hard.

Buster: Yeah.

Therapist: Yeah. Okay. Let's just grab, um... that toothpaste. Use your new hand.

Buster: (squirting toothpaste) Oh! I got some on you.

Therapist: Uh... yeah. You did get some on me.

Buster: Yeah. Too hard?

Narrator: Buster seemed slow to master the challengers.

Cut to: observation station

Gunner: Yeah, that's, that's on her.

Armstrong: He got a little...

Gunner: It was too hard.

Armstrong: I think it was as well.

Cut to: front room set

Therapist: Let's go ahead and fast-forward through the commercials. Okay, that's too fast. Okay, stop. Well, there's Jon Cryer. Stop! That's Jon Cryer! (sighs) Well, look at that. We're back at the Progressive Insurance lady.

Buster: I'm better off just watching the commercials!

Therapist: Don't say that!

Buster crushes remote.

Narrator: But behind the two-way mirror, hope wasn't in abundance.

Cut to: observation station

Gunner: Hope this guy likes the music acts on Saturday Night Live, because he's gonna be watching a lot of them. How many remotes do we have?

Armstrong: That was the only one.

Gunner: There's seven monitors here, we have one remote? Do we have anybody from Pinky Team?

Therapist: Guys, he can't do this!

Narrator: And around week five, the Army finally realized that Buster was in no hurry to leave.

Cut to: kitchen set

Buster: (cheerfully) Ah, I blew it again! I'll never do it right! I'm a monst- Do you have any ice-cream? Maybe it would work with ice-cream.

Cut to: observation station

Gunner: And now he wants ice-cream.

Armstrong: He's using us.

Colonel Smalls: Yeah, it might be time for the Q-test.

Gunner: The Q-test?

Cut to: test room

Armstrong: (entering) I'm sorry, we're running behind with your testing, Buster, we'll... just be a few more minutes.

Buster: Okay. (gasps)

Narrator: And it was then that Gunner learned why it was called the Q-test.

Tiny kitten enters room.

Buster: Oh! Aren't you the cutest?

Observers watch Buster holding the kitten in his hands.

Colonel Smalls: Now. He can't... see us at all, that's correct?

Buster: (to kitten) Hello. I know!

Gunner: Why wouldn't he be able to see us?

Buster: (to kitten) You lookin' around? You looking?

Colonel Smalls: Because it's a mirror.

Armstrong: No, it's... a window.

Buster: (to kitten) Ohh, hi.

Colonel Smalls: Okay, let's take it down.

Observers all slowly sink down out of sight.

Buster: (to kitten) I know you do. I know! I know you...

Colonel Smalls: Send in the authority figure.

Buster: (to kitten) Hi.

Fake General: How are you managing with that hand, soldier?

Buster: Uh? (whimpers)

Group behind window rise up again.

Act 4Edit

VA hospital

Narrator: Buster was being discharged from the Army.

Buster: So, where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do? I, I have nowhere to live.

Nurse: You should have thought about that before you let that cat live.

Narrator: And that's when he met Ophelia Love.

Buster: Oh, I'm sorry.

Narrator: The devoted wife of the candidate Herbert Love...

Buster: I have nowhere to go.

Narrator: ...who was on a tour of the Veterans' Hospital.

Ophelia Love: Ex...cuse me? You're a veteran and you have nowhere to go?

Buster: Oh, it's not Army's fault. I'm a monster.

Ophelia Love: And what makes you think you're a monster?

Buster: What do you see when you look at this? (holds up hand)

Ophelia Love: I see a veteran whose hand I'd like to shake. ...Not that one. (shakes his good hand) I think you should meet my husband. We may have something for you.

Buster: Perfect! Wait, you didn't say "nothing," did you?

Ophelia Love: Something.

Buster: Something. Got it.

Love family home

Herbert Love: Look how big his hand is.

Narrator: But Herbert would be less enthusiastic.

Herbert Love: And you want him to live with us?

Ophelia Love: Well, he's a vet, Herbert. And you yourself said you need something to compete with the woman you're running against.

Narrator: Lucille 2 had recently adopted a Hispanic boy named Perfecto.

Ophelia Love: And since you're never around, I mean, he could help me with the boys. It's like that movie The Blind Side.

Herbert Love: I suppose we could use a Blind Side monster.

Ophelia Love: Well, we shouldn't call him a monster.

Herbert Love: That's why I love you, Ophelia. You've got a heart as big as that Blind Side monster's hand.

Buster shoves one of the boys too hard and he flies off the swing.

Narrator: And so it was decided Buster was to stay with the Love family.

Buster: He's fine, he's fine.

Herbert Love: Welcome to the family.

Buster: Oh!

Narrator: He'd found a home at last.

Herbert raises a hand for a high five, then backs away from Buster raising his.

Herbert Love: Oh!

Buster: Oh, uh-uh-uh. (switches hands)

Narrator: In the following weeks, Buster came in handy to the entire Love family. Helping the boys at school.

Bully: This table is for National Honor Society members only.

Buster: Really? Well, what about these two guys? Were they invited? Light Drizzle (raises good hand) and Thunder. (raises giant hand)

Bully: What?

Buster: See, Light Drizzle will just annoy you. But, you see, Thunder will F you up!

Narrator: This got the attention of Perfecto Telles, vice president of the student anti-bullying squad. Buster even received a badge from an undercover cop who was posing as a teacher.

Rocky Richter: You're never too old to stand up to a bully. Whether he's an attention hog who looks just like you, or whether he's half your size.

Narrator: He used his finely-honed skills as a doting son to give the long-neglected Ophelia some much-deserved attention.

Buster: (singing) Pour in the liquor. Don't want the boys to see. You throw in some cola. Got a Coke and Hennessy! Just for you, Mother Love.

Ophelia Love: Buster. You are the most considerate man I've ever met.

Buster: Oh, stop! You're embarrassing me.

Ophelia Love: And sweet, and...

Buster: No, I'm serious. Stop, stop.

Ophelia Love: But your other hand is waving me on.

Buster: Oh, is that going again? I think it's on demo. Do you have a pencil or a paperclip?

Narrator: And he helped Herbert on the campaign trail.

Herbert Love: Let me show you what a government handout looks like. Hold your government hand out. Yeah! And let's give freedom from government a big thumbs-up!

Buster gives the finger.

Narrator: Although he hadn't achieved complete mastery.

Herbert Love: Oh! Oh. Come on, Buster, dance.

Buster: Don't wanna dance.

Herbert Love: Come on, dance, Buster.

Narrator: Buster was enjoying his new role as a symbol of government waste.

Herbert Love: And this hand ain't the only thing the government wastes money on. It's like I said about contraception. If you want me to pay for her diaphragm, I get to put my hand in her...

Buster: (blocking thrown shoe) Shoe!

Herbert Love: Nice stop, Blind Side monster. Buster! Blind Side Buster.

Narrator: And he was feeling more confident every day.

Buster: Okay.

Herbert Love: Give him a big hand back!

Narrator: Arguably too confident.

Buster dances in front of Herbert.

Herbert Love: Hey!

Narrator: Although, after this appearance, he spent a lot less time with Herbert.

Buster ducks away from the exploding podium at the fundraiser.

Narrator: And a lot more time with Ophelia. Which is what led to this.

Ophelia kisses Buster.

Buster: That's funny, no smoke came out.

Ophelia Love: Smoke?

Buster: Wait, what just happened?

Ophelia Love: This. (kissing him again)

Buster: Okay, okay. Okay! So, you don't think that the next level is adult adoption, do you?

Ophelia Love: Come on, Buster. You've been flirting with me since day one.

Buster: What?

Ophelia Love: Bringing me these flowers. Offering to undress me. What about the singing? Sealed With a Kiss through the door while I bathed?

Buster: Right! Mother stuff. (whispering) I mean, you're married.

Ophelia cries and hands him an envelope.

Buster: What is this?

Ophelia Love: That is my husband, with a prostitute.

Buster: I've worn a captain's hat with someone who had hair like that. But I, I can't do- I mean, you're like a mother to me.

Ophelia Love: You can either be a son or a lover to me. And I already have two sons.

Narrator: And perhaps it was the fear that she'd throw him out, or he finally did grow up, but that night, Buster acted like a man.

Act 5Edit

Narrator: After spending the night with Ophelia Love, Buster proudly went to visit his mother.

Buster: I came here to thank you. You were trying to push me out of the nest, and you were right.

Lucille: Really?

Buster: Yes. I've grown. And I'm in love.

Lucille: Hamster or turtle?

Buster: No, Mother. Hamsters are gross. It's a female. Human. Female human. Whole thing. So, your parental responsibilities are complete. (goes to drink coffee)

Lucille: Hot.

Buster: Hot. I no longer need you.

Lucille: Well, you don't have to go that far.

Buster: I'm not a mother boy anymore. I'm a mother man. (struggles to open door)

Lucille: Use your good hand.

Buster: (accidentally pulling off the handle) Guards!

Narrator: And on his way back to his new love, Buster ran into Michael...

Buster: Michael!

Michael: Buster. Hey! Listen. Look what I've got. This is for your life rights...

Narrator: ...who was trying to get the life story rights from one of the few remaining family members he hadn't thrown out of the movie.

Michael: ...just sign there. I've got Tobias... I don't have George Michael yet.

Buster: What about Mom?

Michael: I have her, but I'm about to throw it in her face when I see her. And I can't go to my son.

Buster: Well, I have nothing to be ashamed about. I'm in love. And do you want to hear something so surprising? She started out as my mother figure.

Michael: Not surprising.

Buster: Oh, okay.

Narrator: And he returned back to his love nest to tell Ophelia the good news.

Buster: Ophelia? Oph- I'm out of the thing! How did yours go?

Ophelia Love: It's over. I talked to Herbert, I told him everything about us, and it's over.

Buster: Mmm. I know it's scary. I just got out of a long relationship, too. But I am here for you. And girl, I ain't going nowhere.

Ophelia Love: I need you to leave.

Buster: So let's get it on... Wait, what's happening?

Ophelia Love: He wants to try to change. He wants a second chance, and I want to give it to him.

Buster: But... So you were, you were just using me to hurt him?

Ophelia Love: Yes. Thank you.

Buster: But what, what about me? What happens to me? I, I certainly can't go back to you as my mother. After I've zipped down, you can't expect me to zip up!

Ophelia Love: I know that. But you have to leave.

Buster: Oh, no. I'm okay with the mothering. I mean, he had you first, I'm here to stay. This is just a little mother-son bump in the road. Mother, I ain't going nowhere.

Ophelia Love: Your hand is broken again.

Buster: No. It's just my heart. Oh, it's my hand too, actually.

Ophelia Love: I'm sorry, Buster.

Narrator: Buster was blindsided.

Buster: Ophelia! Tell me this. Who is a better lover?

Ophelia Love: He is.

Buster: He is. Okay. What about son?

Narrator: Buster was hurt. And perhaps that's why he availed himself to the photos of Herbert and the prostitute. And Buster, furious, decided to expose Herbert himself.

Buster punches a framed photo of Herbert, and then screams.

Narrator: But not before using the wrong hand to punch a picture of Herbert.

Buster: Stupid Bust- (smacks himself in the forehead with his giant hand)

Narrator: Unfortunately, it was the night of Cinco, and no one was home to find him.

Buster: (snapping awake) Sad! Sad.

Narrator: Buster came to and rushed to Cinco to share the photos with Herbert Love's political enemy, when he ran into Tobias, who enlisted Buster's help for a musical that was becoming less fantastic every minute.

Tobias: Buster! Oh, thank God. I need your help. I've got a show to do in 10 minutes, and I haven't got a thing to wear. This Thing suit...

Buster: But... I've got to find Lucille 2. I've got to give her pictures. I don't know the songs!

Tobias: It's pre-recorded. You're a monster! You don't have to be any good.

Buster: What?

Tobias: Now, just go "Thing" your heart out, and don't be put off by the freakishly large- What? Oh, God! Okay, well, well, good. Then just the, uh, the one glove will do, and, uh... Perfecto!

Narrator: As fate would have it, Perfecto Telles was also in need of a monster.

Caption: moments earlier...

Maeby: He's a bully. So I want you to "bad cop" him for me a little, okay? Yeah, yeah.

Narrator: And that's when he heard his name.

Tobias: That's... Perfecto!

Perfecto Telles: (to Buster) And, he's a real bully. He's taking money from this innocent young high school girl.

Buster: Oh. I don't think I can help you.

Perfecto Telles: Please.

Buster: I don't wanna be a monster anymore.

Perfecto Telles: Can't you just show him a little Thunder? Just to scare him a bit?

Narrator: And that's when Buster saw the woman he'd come for.

Buster: I'm sorry. I have to take care of something. Lucille 2. I've been looking for you.

Lucille 2: Buster! You look different. Something's happened to you.

Buster: Yes. I've been with a black woman.

Lucille 2: I was talking about your hand.

Buster: Oh. This huge thing? Yeah, it's new. Of course, the week after I got it, the six came out. You can play a flute with that one. It comes with a flute! But I'm not here about that. I'm here about this.

Lucille 2: What is this?

Buster: Oh, just pictures of Herbert Love with a lady of the night. And he's gotten himself in some pretty hot ham water this time. I want you to humiliate him and win the election.

Lucille 2: That's my wig. Buster, this is priceless. Why are you giving it to me?

Buster: Because I want to hurt him.

Lucille 2: I've never known you to want to hurt anybody.

Buster: Well, I hurt my mother, didn't I? I missed her trial, and she cut me out of her life. But I'm over that!

Lucille 2: Really? Then you have me to thank for that.

Buster: What do you mean?

Lucille 2: Oh, Buster! You think missing her trial was an accident?

Buster: Yes.

Lucille 2: Buster, I helped you with that.

Buster: What?

Narrator: Although "helped" might not be the best description of what she did.

Caption: the night before the trial...

Narrator: In fact, she'd been laying in wait for him.

Lucille 2: Oh, Buster! Hello!

Narrator: And once she'd gotten Buster into the apartment, she eschewed the all-natural juice for the kind with cartoon animals and riddles on the box. The type Buster had been known to have a weakness for.

Buster: Thank you.

Caption: moments later...

Narrator: And soon the partying was off the hook, with Buster drinking right out of the box.

Buster: Oh, this is just like a Mother's Day Eve!

Lucille 2 laughs as Buster plunks at the piano.

Buster: ...Mrs. Williams comes right into the restroom while I'm tinkling.

Narrator: Although, at one point, he did have something close to an insight.

Buster: I mean, how do you miss a sign like that?

Back of juice box: "Q. What happens when you stick your head in the sand? A. Don't be surprised if someone uses you as a footstool."

Buster: I was tinkling! (laughs)

Cut to: Cinco

Buster: You kept me from Mother? You sent her to prison? And this whole time I thought about getting back together with you.

Lucille 2: Well, you're a little late, honey, I've been dating your father for the past couple of weeks.

Narrator: Buster was in a whirl. Confused and betrayed, he wanted to punch something. Which is why he went here.

Buster approaches Donkey Punch stand.

Buster: Hey! I need to punch something! Even if it is a poor little donkey.

Narrator: But it wasn't that kind of Donkey Punch.

Buster: Oh, I need some juice.

Gene Parmesan: Perhaps uno más, señor, to feed to the fishes? (low) Gene Parmesan. This is not my real job.

Narrator: And that's when Buster heard his target.

Herbert Love: Okay, I, I'll talk to you later. I got to go up and give my speech.

Buster: You.

Herbert Love: Oh, hey. It's the Blind Side monster.

Buster screams with rage and knocks him down.

Narrator: And so he blindsided him and became one. And it was amidst the rampaging of the blowback that a juiced up Buster noticed something horrifying.

Flash of light shows Lucille 2 slumped on the stair car steps.

Another flash shows Lucille 2 gone and blood on the steps.

Buster touches the blood, then turns and notices the security camera.

Buster: Oh, no. I'm in the movie. Oh, no.

Act 6Edit

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development.

George Michael's house

Narrator: Buster tries to cover his tracks.

Buster: Hey, nephew! (George Michael screams) New hand.

George Michael: It's cool. That's cool.

Buster: You know that super-duper privacy software you have? Does that work on security cameras?

George Michael: Of course, yeah. It works on... everything.

Buster: May I borrow it?

George Michael: One second. (leaves and returns) Here you go, Uncle Buster. I put it on a hard drive for you. Just please, be careful with it.

Buster: Of course, of course. (crushes it) You got one with a case?

Cut to: security office

Buster: Hey, Carl.

Carl: Buster!

Buster: How are you? What is all this?

Narrator: And Buster visits a Balboa Towers guard he'd known for many years...

Carl: I, I get to watch everybody...

Narrator: ...for an impromptu lesson on how their footage is gathered and stored.

Buster: May I use to your phone to...?

Narrator: But when Carl steps away...

Carl: I'll be right back.

Narrator: Buster goes into action and attempts to Fakeblock the footage.

Woodblock noises.

Buster: Oh. Sounds like it's working.

Buster dances to the woodblock noises.

Carl: Buster!

Buster: Hey, Carl.

Carl: Everything okay?

Buster: Mm-hmm. Bye, Carl.

Carl: Bye-bye, Buster.

Buster: Okay.

Carl plays back footage of Buster dancing in his office.

Carl: What she did to this boy...

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