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|Season Two, Episode Eleven|
Narrator: Michael was having brunch with Sally Sitwell.
Sally Sitwell: I still can’t believe we got in. This place is usually so packed on Sundays.
Narrator: In addition to its Sunday popularity The Bistro was also famous for something called the Skip’s Scramble. An egg dish that contained everything on the menu. Don’t order the Skip’s Scramble.
Michael: Just more great luck. Everything’s been going so well since we started going out. I think we’ve actually gone out eight times now.
Narrator: Which included a record-tying three lovemaking sessions in one night for Michael.
Sally Sitwell: Just think how different everything in our lives would be if we’d gotten together in high school.
- A photograph of Michael and Sally Sitwell’s possible baby is presented courtesy Lindsay’s business. "Hypothetical George-Michael, Courtesy of ’Mommy What Will I Look Like?’ Photo Simulation Services"
Michael: Of course, I wouldn’t have had George Michael. We probably would have had an entirely different kind of child. I really hope he’s okay with us going out. We’re very close. We don’t keep anything from each other.
George Michael: Oh, no, it’s my dad. I’m supposed to be at work.
Maeby: You know, George Michael, you worry too much. It’s Sunday. You’re allowed to have a couple of hours off. You don’t see me nervous about being on my third Virgin Mary.
George Michael: Why would you be nervous? There’s no alcohol in a Virgin Mary.
Maeby: There isn’t? This is unbelievable. Can I get a Virgin Pina Colada when you get a chance? Now we’ll get things started.
Michael: Hi. This is so... So I was just... Hey, okay. I want to introduce you to Sally. This is George Michael, my niece Maeby.
Sally Sitwell: It’s nice to meet you.
George Michael: I just shut down the banana stand for a half an hour. I can keep it open late tonight if you...
Michael: No, no. Hey, come on. Make me sound like a taskmaster. If you want to keep it open an extra hour, you know... So this is Sally.
George Michael: Is she your girlfriend?
Michael: No. Yes! A little.
Sally Sitwell: You know what, I’m going to meet you in a few minutes, okay?
Sally Sitwell: And maybe we’ll work on breaking that record.
Michael: Okay. She’s a shot-putter. And I’m dating her, but I just want to make sure that you’re comfortable with everything.
George Michael: Of course. We could double-date— you and Sally and me and Ann.
George Michael: Ann.
George Michael: And we had...
Michael: Yes. Of course I know Ann. Didn’t mean “who.” I meant, uh... “her.” That’s a great idea. I love Ann.
George Michael: Great.
Michael: Excuse me, ma’am.
Ann: George Michael, you said that you couldn’t come to church because you were working. Now you’re doing neither. That’s quite a lot of sins for a Sunday afternoon, don’t you think?
Waiter #4: Your Virgin Pina Colada.
Ann: And now you’re drinking?
George Michael: We’re just having a little fun, you know.
Ann: I think that church and studying are fun. I thought you felt the same.
George Michael: Well, I do. I like not having fun. I like your idea of fun... I mean, our idea of fun. I like not having that.
Ann: I’m going back to church.
Maeby: Well, she just killed my buzz. So, you’re still enjoying this relationship?
George Michael: You know, I mean, I guess we’ve lost some of the heat since we have kissed. I mean, how do you relight that fire? But I can’t break up with her. I always assumed she would break up with me.
Maeby: Well, we may have to find a way to speed that process up.
Narrator: And later that day, Michael caught Lindsay up on the emotional bond he was forming with Sally.
Lindsay: Aw, big deal. Three times. I’ve had three times plenty of times.
- earlier that week...
Tobias: Did you call my name?
Lindsay: Absolutely not.
Michael: I just hope that George Michael is really okay with it.
Lindsay: You know, I think you’re looking for a reason this isn’t going to work, because you can’t handle happiness. And you like to suffer.
G.O.B.: Oh, how delicious.
Michael: No, hey... Let’s not spin in the comfy chair.
G.O.B.: Look at this delicious piece of irony. I’m being sued for divorce. Me.
Michael: Thought you were single?
G.O.B.: Yeah, I keep forgetting that I got married.
- G.O.B. and Wife of G.O.B.’s series of escalating dares includes a new scene at Skip Church’s Bistro.
Narrator: G.O.B. met a woman one night, and after a series of escalating dares married her.
G.O.B.: Yes, but it’s all coming back to me now. She was a seal dealer. She raised and sold seals to aquariums and marine parks, that sort of thing. Then she went off to fight her war and left me to look after them.
- Wife of G.O.B. found a natural outlet for her penchant for daring in a photograph from Abu Gharib.
Narrator: It was while in the service that her penchant for daring found an natural outlet.
Michael: I’ve never known you to look after a seal.
G.O.B.: Turns out it’s a major hassle. Tried to include one in my act once. There is a reason you don’t typically see live seals in a magic show.
G.O.B.: So with a simple wave of my... Oh, look-it... over there. One of the Desperate Housewives. So desperate.
G.O.B.: So I released them from whence they came, and now she’s stomping on my heart.
Michael: What’s her first name? Quickly.
Michael: Her name’s not Krindy, G.O.B.
G.O.B.: Ah, Saul Zentsman. No... that’s her lawyer. Well, she’s got a name, and I’m going to find out what it is, and I’m going to make a pun on it and that’s what I’ll call her. Bad example: if her name’s Amy, I’ll call her Blamy.
Michael: That’s a strong defense. I’ll tell you what, I’ll help you look for Barry tomorrow. I think Dad prepaid him for Lindsay and Tobias’ divorce anyway.
Lindsay: Look at us. Three relationships all falling apart. Maybe it’s time we actually took some responsibility for that.
G.O.B.: I think it’s Mom’s fault.
Lindsay: I was going to say the exact same thing.
Michael: No, that’s not a spinner.
Lucille: So this is how my children speak of me when I’m not here.
Michael: What are you doing here, Mom?
Lucille: Your brother Buster wants to meet me at the beach tomorrow. Do you know what this is about? Because if it’s about going in the ocean the answer is no—he’s not going in the ocean.
Michael: Well, there are bigger dangers, Mom, like say, signing him up for the army during wartime.
Lucille: What the hell was I supposed to do? Michael Moore confronted me in front of the whole country.
Michael: First of all, it wasn’t Michael Moore. It was a Michael Moore look-alike, and it wasn’t in front of the whole country. It was for a bit on Jimmy Kimmel Live.
Lucille: I don’t know who that is, and I don’t care to find out.
Narrator: But the next day, she did find out what Buster wanted.
Photographer: Okay, I think we have enough of you two kissing.
Lucille: I can’t believe you hired a photographer. We haven’t done this since the Balboa Bay Window magazine.
Buster: So I wanted you to have a recent picture of me because they want to ship me out tomorrow. With Army.
Oscar: What? To where?
Buster: Iraq. I just might be out of options. I don’t want to go, but...
Lucille: I know what this is about. You want to go swimming in the ocean. Well, you can forget it.
Oscar: I don’t think that’s what this is about.
Lucille: Yes, it is. He’s trying to punish me or something. Whatever happened to “Keepin’ It Fresh”?
Buster: I was 30 years old then, Mother. I’m 32 now! And I’m not trying to teach you a lesson.
Lucille: Well, I may not have been a perfect mother, but you know kids don’t come with a handbook.
Narrator: In fact, there are thousands of books written on child rearing. But Lucille was in denial.
Lucille: If he wants to go swimming, let him.
Narrator: And Buster was far from ready to go swimming in the ocean.
Buster: Bye. (Screaming.)
Narrator: And later, Michael and G.O.B. tracked down their attorney— Barry Zuckerkorn.
Barry: Thank you so much for coming down here. I’ve got a big case. I’m representing Skip Church’s restaurant.
Michael: I don’t care.
Barry: A waitress that works there is claiming that by eating Skip’s Scramble several times a week is making her a fatty.
Michael: We need to speak to you about getting a divorce for G.O.B.
Barry: I got Michael out of his marriage, didn’t I?
Michael: Actually she died.
Barry: You’re kidding me. I’ve been taking credit for that for years.
Barry: Who’s their lawyer?
G.O.B.: Saul Zentsman. You know him?
Barry: I have Chinese with him every Friday night at Miss Temple’s. He’s tough.
G.O.B.: I just want my wife back.
Barry: Hey, let’s save it for the stand, okay, Tom Jane.
Barry: Fine. I’ll get into this as soon as I lose this case. You know who’d defending the fatty? Maggie Lizer.
Michael: Maggie Lizer— our old prosecutor?
Narrator: Michael had an affair with Maggie Lizer while she was both pretending to be blind, and prosecuting the family. It was with her he’d first set the three time record.
Narrator: Their relationship ended somewhat abruptly.
Michael: Wow, how does she look?
Barry: Well, she’s got... If you ask me, bigger.
- twenty minutes earlier...
Narrator: She was bigger...
Judge Ping: Are you sure you’re okay to go on?
Narrator: ...because she was pregnant.
Maggie: It’s not my belly we have to worry about, Your Honor. It’s Loretta’s. Being tempted day in and day out by those Skip’s Scrambles. Bring ’em in, boys.
Barry: Oh, I’m cooked. They love her. To tell you the truth, I preferred it when she was blind.
- moments later...
Narrator: And so Michael caught up with his one-time lover.
Michael: How you doing? Wow, you look fantastic.
Maggie: Wow, I haven’t seen you since we had an affair and you ruined my career.
Michael: Yeah, I was going to call you a couple times, and then I just... I just... I got to thinking that... what if she brings that up?
Maggie: To tell you the truth, I am so relieved not to be pretending to be blind anymore. It’s actually taught me not to rely on cheap tricks to get the jury’s sympathy.
Juror #4: I'm sorry. I know I’m not supposed to do this, but we just spend so much time in that box. I knitted you something.
Maggie: (Gasps) Oh, Juror Number Four! Gosh, thank you. I feel so bad I fought so hard to keep you off the jury.
Juror #4: Oh
Judge Ping: Ms. Lizer, can I see you in my chambers?
Maggie: Oh. Yes, Your Honor.
Narrator In fact, Judge Ping had a gift for Maggie too. An Ocean-Sounds Toddler Rocker he'd asked his bailiff to assemble.
Michael Too bad the trial's not going longer. She could've knit you something that fit.
Maggie: I know. I'm so big now.
Michael No, no, come on. They look great.
Michael You look great. You look fantastic. Last time I saw you was in that jury box right there, wasn't it? Wasn't it like a year ago?
Maggie: Oh, Chip, you know what? Can you take this back to my house?
Maggie: Actually, it's been about eight and a half months.
Michael Eight and a half months, huh? Wow. I see somebody has been counting the, uh- Eight and a half months. Wow. Really? Could've sworn it was a year.
Narrator Michael had just learned that the woman he'd been intimate with eight and a half months earlier was eight-and-a-half months pregnant.
Michael Didn't I use something?
Maggie: No. You thought I was blind, remember? Don't worry. You're not the father, Michael.
Maggie: No problem.
Michael Really? Right. You sure? I mean, uh- I could be. What if I was? Don't you want to discuss this maybe?
Maggie: Michael, I haven't heard from you. I-I really don't want to hear from you now. Listen, if you're interested, come to the baptism. You can hurl a Bible at the baby.
Narrator And that night, Michael met up with Sally where he felt he needed to be honest with her.
Michael Sally... you need to know about my child.
Sally George Michael. He approves.
Michael No, there may be another child in the mix. I ran into an ex. We had a very messed up relationship. It was based totally on lies. But she's pregnant. She said something that led me to believe that it might be mine.
Sally But you said she was a liar.
Michael Sh-She is. She said it wasn't mine, so-
Sally Why are you telling me this?
Michael Well, because obviously if it is my child, I'm gonna have to be responsible for it and that's going to make things awfully complicated for us.
Sally Michael, you know what? You're always looking for things to get between us. First, it was "What's your son gonna think?" And now you think you're having a baby because a woman who lies told you you weren't.
Michael That's a great way to say that. We really do communicate well, do you know that?
Lindsay Are you insane? You broke up with her because somebody who doesn't want you might be pregnant with your baby?
Michael No, Sally broke up with me. And as for Maggie I didn't even know that she was pregnant when I first saw her giant chest- box. She had this- Some people call it a chest. I call it a box. She was holding this giant box. Maybe I should've just stayed out of it. She did make it pretty clear that she doesn't want me around.
Lindsay Come on, Michael. She's probably not even pregnant. You said she was carrying a big box? Pregnant women tend not to do that.
Michael It did say "60 pounds" on it. Okay, I-I've done this wrong. I should've found out whether it was a real pregnancy before I told my dream girl about it.
G.O.B. You know what I do, Mike? Check their urine. Make 'em pee in a cup, and pee in a cup right in front of me.
Michael Yeah, well, thanks, G.O.B.. But, uh, I think we should just keep on lookin'. I don't know how I can make that sound like me.
G.O.B. So you get someone to break into her house, rig the toilet, collect the pee, test it, and expose the lie. I mean, I'd do it, but I'm goin' through a divorce here, guy.
Tobias Oh, a pregnancy test. (Laughs) There's something we never had, huh, Lindsay? Oh, no. We had to create our little Frankenstein monster out of science and money and just a dash of -Maeby, what- H-How long have you been standing there?
Maeby I just walked in.
Tobias Just walked in. (Laughs) Seems like only yesterday you were bursting forth from your mother's fertile womb.
Lindsay You know what? Tobias and I will break into her house and get the specimen. We've been looking for a little excitement.
Tobias Yeah! It'll be fun. We will be like Tracy and Hepburn.
Tobias "What do you say, you old poop?"
Lindsay Oh, God, he's Hepburn.
Lucille I am done with Buster. He pushes my buttons. That's all he does.
Michael He also zips you up and sands your elbows.
Lucille Not anymore. No, no, no. He's pretending he's going to war. Mr. Big Shot. God knows what he's really doing.
Michael Wait a minute. He said he's going to war? Aren't you worried?
Lucille: Oh, you’re sounding like your uncle. And I’ve had enough of his attitude, too.
- earlier that day...
Oscar: The boy is going to war. You’re going to have to face that.
Lucille: It’s none of your business.
Oscar: He is my boy. I need macaroons.
Lucille: Oh, you’re high.
Oscar: You can win every argument like that, but that does not make you right.
Lucille: I don’t want you telling him you’re his father. I need ice.
- twenty minutes later...
Oscar: Can’t you see you’re in denial?
Lucille: You’re high!
Oscar: You’re drunk!
Michael: Where did Buster say he was going?
Lucille: Iraq. Which is a shot at your father. Thank God he’s not here to hear this.
- Wolf howls.
Michael: Excuse me one second. The pipes.
Tobias: You know, Mother Lucille, there’s a psychological concept known as denial that I believe you’re evincing. It’s when a thought is so hateful that the mind literally rejects it.
Lucille: You are a worse psychiatrist than you are a son-in-law, and you will never get work as an actor because you have no talent.
Tobias: Well, if she’s not going to say anything, I certainly can’t help her.
Narrator: And Maeby saw a way to help her cousin.
Maeby: I know how to get rid of Ann. You put her in a room with Gangee, she’ll criticize her away.
George Michael: But what would Gangee have to criticize about Ann?
Maeby: Oh, George Michael...
Narrator: In the attic, Michael met with George who’d overheard about Buster.
George: He can’t go. You can’t let him. I command you.
Michael: I really hate it when you put on the God costume.
Narrator: George had always worn the God costume at the annual Living Classics pageant where he and Buster recreated Michelangelo’s The Creation of Man.
George: What if I never get a chance to reach out and touch that hand of his again? I got to go to him.
Michael: Pop, you’re a wanted man. You cannot risk leaving the attic all the time.
George: Oh, when? When have I ever left the attic?
Michael: Two days ago. Right? I saw you floating around a Ford dealership.
George: Yeah, well, have you seen the new Mustang? You could hump that hood.
Narrator: And Michael set the plan in motion to get Maggie out of her house.
Michael: Hi, Maggie. Are you blind again?
Maggie: For the pizza guy. I give him a five, I tell him to keep the change.
Maggie: What are you doing here, Michael? I’m with a client.
Loretta: Is that the pizza?
Maggie: No...! You’ll get your pizza. She’s taking the stand tomorrow, I want to make sure it creaks.
Michael: There’s so much I don’t understand about the law. Look, Maggie, if this child is mine, I really need to know. So what do you think, can you spare a few minutes for someone who might be the father of your baby?
Maggie: Of course I can.
Maggie: But it’s not you.
- thirty seconds later...
- Knocking on door.
Maggie: Oh, for God sakes.
Loretta: Oh, come on!
Maggie: Fine. Let me get Loretta out of here and I’ll meet you in the car.
Narrator: Meanwhile, on the other side of Maggie’s house, Lindsay and Tobias were putting their plan into action.
Tobias: I’m cloaking myself in her scent.
Lindsay: She’s not blind.
Tobias: She was when she bought this.
Lindsay: (Laughs.) You’re bad.
Lindsay: (Whispers.) My God, that’s her!
Tobias: Get in the tub.
Narrator: Buster, meanwhile, received an unexpected visitor.
George: I want you to know that it is okay for you to hide. A man can hide. There’s a quiet courage in that.
Buster: You’re a good uncle.
George: I’m not your uncle. I’m your father.
George: Shh! Shh! Quiet courage, quiet courage. Hide.
Narrator: But Buster was confused.
Buster: You lied to me. Uncle Oscar is my father. He just told me so. And maybe you’re not even my real mother. For all I know Lucille II is my real mother! Oh.
Lucille: Buster, you were never supposed to know.
Buster: Oh, yeah, well, here’s something you should know— I’m going to war!
Narrator: Buster had just discovered he’d been lied to by his parents.
Buster: I’m going to war!
Lucille: You told him you were his father.
Oscar: I did no such thing.
Lucille: You’re high!
Oscar: You’re drunk!
Lucille: George. He must have come here to say good-bye to Buster.
Narrator: And that’s when Lucille snapped out of her denial.
Lucille: My baby’s going to war.
Narrator: Lindsay and Tobias were gathering evidence that Maggie was truly pregnant. And they were having fun doing it.
Lindsay: That’s the first time we were in the shower since our honeymoon.
Tobias: And this time, no tears.
Lindsay: Tobias, this is the box that Michael was talking about. 60 pounds.
Narrator: But it didn’t weigh 60 pounds.
Narrator: Michael was stalling Maggie, and they were also having fun.
Maggie: Sally Sitwell? You know, I think I had her little play oven.
Michael: It’s a funny name, but she’s a doll.
Maggie: Yeah. I had one. You pull her hair, she’d cry or something.
Michael: This one kinda does that, too.
- Phone rings.
Michael: (Into phone.) Hello.
Lindsay: We got the pee, and we’re going to get it checked, but, listen, you should know that that box that says 60 pounds— it’s actually like two pounds. I think she’s pregnant, Michael. I mean, there’s baby stuff here and... Tobias, stop it! That’s for the baby. It’s not for the... Oh! We’re having a really good time.
Michael: Yeah? Well, I kind of am, too.
Michael: So, no more lies. Tell me the truth. If that baby is mine, maybe we’re meant to be together.
Maggie: Of course it is, Michael.
Narrator: But that’s when the Fünkes discovered what was in the box that was so easy to lift.
Lindsay: Okay, the box was light, ’cause it had a fake stomach in it, so it looks like she’s faking it. God, I hope you get this.
Tobias: Wait up, please.
Narrator: And George Michael and Maeby brought Ann to the penthouse, in hopes that Lucille would drive her away.
Maeby: Isn’t Ann great?
Lucille: Oh, she’s lovely.
Narrator: Unfortunately, she was distracted by the thought of losing Buster.
Maeby: Hey, do you have any bread pudding? ’Cause, uh, you’d be surprised how much this one can put away.
Lucille: Now that Buster’s not here, there’s no one to finish it. I don’t care if I ever eat again.
Ann: You know, when times are tough, you can always turn to the power of prayer.
Maeby: Here we go.
Lucille: Show me.
Narrator: This was a big “get” for God.
Narrator: And Michael brought Maggie home to meet his son.
Michael: This is gonna be easy. He’s been signing off on everyone lately. Maybe he called.
Maggie: Hey, listen, so what’s the deal on Zuckerkorn? ’Cause, you know, my fat case? It’s really pretty thin.
Michael: Lying, untrustworthy...
Maggie: Yeah, plus, I heard he hangs out at rest stops.
Michael: No, no, I’m talking about you, Maggie, and I don’t know why I’m surprised. I shouldn’t be. You’re a liar. You lie.
Maggie: Wow, I mean, I heard he hangs out at rest stops, okay?
Michael: And I keep buying it, too. And so maybe there is something wrong with me. I really thought we were starting to trust each other. And I just got a message from my sister saying there’s a box at your house with a fat suit in it. What do you got— like a different one for each trimester?
Maggie: You had your sister break into my house?
Michael: Which one are you wearing right now? Is this the ready-to-burst model? Now, there’s zero trust here. Good-bye. It’s been fun... not.
Narrator: Michael had hoped something more dramatic would have come out of his mouth. Or at least more current.
Maggie: Oh, you’re so right, Michael. I really can’t be trusted. Because I’m faking it. Not.
Tobias: Hello, Michael! Well, my wife and I finally had the thrill of seeing a plus sign on a pregnancy test.
Lindsay: You’re going to be a daddy!
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Barry gets a big break on his case...
Barry: The fat girl in my Skip Church’s case? Not fat. Her attorney bought her a fat suit. Oh, I got another case! Maggie is suing you for paternity.
Narrator: ... and for the first time, Lucille prays, ...
Lucille: Take something else from us. Do whatever you have to to keep my boy from going to war.
Narrator: ... and Buster is on his way when he decides to pursue a long-delayed rite of passage, ...
Person: Loose seal! Watch out for loose seal!
Buster: I don’t care about Lucille! She lies!
Narrator: ... and then a seal bites off his hand.