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Transcript of Pilot

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1x01 Pilot (23)

Transcript of "Pilot"
Written by: Mitchell Hurwitz

Season One, Episode One

Jason Bateman as Michael Bluth
Portia de Rossi as Lindsay Bluth Fünke
Will Arnett as G.O.B.
Michael Cera as George Michael Bluth
Alia Shawkat as Maeby Fünke
Tony Hale as Buster Bluth
David Cross as Tobias Fünke
Jeffrey Tambor as George Bluth
Jessica Walter as Lucille Bluth
Ron Howard as Narrator

Guest Starring:
John Beard as Himself
Stacey Grenrock Woods as Trisha Thoon
J. Hunter Ackerman as Protester
Hira Ambrosino as Executive
Chad Einbinder as Birthday Party Man
Paul Mendoza as Enrique
Andy Morrow as Teen Magician
Johnathan Schmock as Captain


The following is the transcript of the Season One episode "Pilot". Memorable quotes are highlighted below.

"Pilot" was written by Mitchell Hurwitz.

Act 1Edit

Narrator: This is Michael Bluth. For ten years he’s worked for his father’s company waiting to be made a partner. And right now he’s happy. This is Michael’s mother.

Lucille: Look what they’ve done, Michael!

Narrator: She isn’t happy.

Lucille: Look what the homosexuals have done to me!

Michael:You can’t just comb that out and reset it?  

Narrator: Currently she’s upset that her husband’s retirement party is being upstaged by a group of gay protesters.

Protesters: (Chanting.) We’re here, we’re queer! We want to get married on the ocean!

Lucille: Everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant. It just makes me want to set myself on fire!

Lindsay:Good grief, Mother! Not all homosexuals are flamboy... Oh, my God, I have the exact same blouse.  

Narrator: This is Michael’s twin sister, Lindsay.

Lucille: I like it better on him.

Narrator: As a youthful act of defiance, Lindsay married this man— [picture of Tobias] They moved to Boston where they’ve become celebrated for their wine and cheese fund-raisers.


Lindsay: Oh, no— I’m completely stuffed.

End Flashback

Narrator: Michael and his sister haven’t spoken in a year. Neither has acknowledged this. And this is G.O.B., Michael’s oldest brother.

Michael: So, this is the magic trick, huh?

G.O.B.:“Illusion,” Michael. A “trick” is something a whore does for money... or candy!  

Narrator: G.O.B. recently started the Alliance of Magicians, an organization that blackballs any performer who reveals a magician’s secret.

Narrator: And finally, there’s Buster...

Michael: Hey, Buster.

Narrator: ...the youngest of Michael’s siblings.

Michael: You know, you don’t need to do that, buddy. It’s okay.

Narrator: Thanks to the family’s largesse, Buster has studied everything from Native American tribal ceremonies... to cartography: the mapping of uncharted territories.

Michael: Hasn’t everything already sort of been discovered, though by, like, Magellan and Cortés, ...

Buster: Oh, yeah, yeah.

Michael: ... all those folks.

Buster: Those guys did a pretty good job.

Michael: Right.

Buster: But there’s still... you know...

Narrator: He also suffers from crippling panic attacks. Yes, this is his family. So, why is Michael so happy? Because he’s decided to never speak to these people again.

Act 2Edit

Narrator: Michael was feeling more generous about his family on the morning of the boat party.

Michael: What comes before anything? What have we always said is the most important thing?

George Michael: Breakfast.

Michael: Family.

George Michael:Family, right. I thought you meant of the things you eat.  

Narrator: This is Michael’s son, George Michael.

Michael: I mean, we’ve made nothing but sacrifices for this family, and tonight, it all pays off, my boy. Tonight, your granddad makes me partner.

Narrator: To prove his dedication to the family business, Michael has decided to live here...

Narrator: the model unit of his father’s latest housing tract. The guys live in the attic so that the house can still function as a pristine selling tool.

Michael: And when I do get that promotion, I’ll finally be able to get you what you deserve, you know? Like a real home.

George Michael: This is a real home.

Michael: No, it’s not. It’s a fake home, son. You want the loops or the flakes today?


Narrator: The guys then headed down to Balboa Island so George Michael could work at the frozen banana stand his grandfather started in 1953.

George Michael: Bananas.

Narrator: Michael, meanwhile, was meeting his brother G.O.B., hoping to discuss his father’s boat party.

Michael: Do you have your check for your share of the party?

G.O.B.: You know, I sort of thought my contribution could be a magic show.

Michael: Oh, that’s perfect, G.O.B.

G.O.B.: Thank you.

Michael:Or, wait a minute. I just remembered something—Dad’s retiring, not turning six.  

G.O.B.: Hey, come on, I just bought this new illusion called The Aztec Tomb. It cost, like, eighteen grand.

Michael: Come on, G.O.B. I don’t care.

G.O.B.: I’m gonna do it on the boat. Look, what do you care? Can’t you just charge the party to the company?

Michael: No, it’s not a business expense.

G.O.B.: So what? Lindsay’s been staying at the Four Seas for, like, a month— she’s probably charging the company.

Michael: Lindsay’s been in town for a month?

G.O.B.: I don’t think so.


Narrator: Michael was upset to hear this, so he went to discuss it with his mother.

Michael: Mom? Mother? Give me your company checkbook. You’re cut off.

Lucille: Michael, look. Look what happened to my fox. Someone cut off his little foot. Is it... is it noticeable?

Michael: Well... you’ve got to remember, you’re going to be all splattered in red paint. That’s gonna distract the eye. I don’t want you charging any more of your personal expenses to the company.

Lucille: Well, I had to pay for The Aztec Tomb. G.O.B. says it’s a career-maker.

Michael: Wait a minute—the company paid for The Aztec Tomb? That’s great. Well, I was talking about Lindsay, okay? You put her in a five-star hotel, on top of which, you didn’t even tell me that she was in town.

Lucille: If you’re saying I play favorites, you’re wrong—I love all my children equally.

 Lucille: I don’t care for G.O.B.  

Lucille: Good grief, I dipped into the kitty a couple of times. You should be focused on tonight. Dad’s making a big announcement.

Michael: Yeah? I knew it. It’s about me, isn’t it?

Michael: I wonder how I can talk you out of ever making that face again

Tobias: Michael!

Michael: Tobias.

Tobias: How are you?

Michael: Uh-huh. (Chuckling.) Good, good. How’s your, uh, job search coming?

Tobias: It’s good.

Michael: Yeah?

Tobias: It’s going to be good. It’s going to be good.

Tobias: I’m hoping the universe provides a path for me.

Narrator: Tobias recently lost his medical license for administering CPR to a person who, as it turned out, was not having a heart attack.

Newspaper headline, “Sleeping Tourist has Sternum Broken—East Coast Man Hospitalized by Accidental ‘Rescue’ ”

Michael: Maybe you’ll be inspired by the boat party tonight and start a career as a pirate.

Tobias:I haven’t packed for that.  

Lindsay: Couldn’t find a thing.

Michael: Lindsay.

Lindsay: Michael!

Michael: How was your flight?

Lindsay: Great! Great! We just got in.

Lucille: He knows.

Lindsay: A month ago. Oh, I’m sorry, I’ve been meaning to call you, I really have.

Michael: Really?

Lindsay: It’s just been very busy.

Tobias: It’s been crazy.

Lindsay: We just had an amazing fund-raiser for H.O.O.P.

Michael: H.O.O.P.?

Lindsay: My anti-circumcision movement.


Fundraiser. Sign reads “H.O.O.P.—Hands Off Our Penises”

Lindsay: I think it looks frightening when it’s cut off. It’s a Doberman— let it have its ears.

End Flashback

Lindsay: Believe it or not, we brought in over $40,000.

Michael:Unbelievable. Sounds like you saved enough skin to make ten new boys.  

Tobias: Well, most of that money was from...

Lindsay clears throat.

Tobias: ...the Bluth Company. I mean, how... are you?

Michael: Still good. You know what? You guys have had your hands in the company coffer for years, but starting tomorrow, there is going to be a new boss in town, and you’re all going to have to start fending for yourselves. You’re all going to finally feel that sweet sting of sweat in your eyes as — Buster, you can’t do that on the balcony, buddy?

Buster: Mom says it’s too windy.

Lucille: Who could’ve done this?


Narrator: While Michael was getting fed up with his family, George Michael was finally getting to know them.

Maeby: Um, yeah, I bought a frozen banana, and when I bit into it, I found this.

George Michael: It looks like a foot.

Maeby: It tasted like a foot. Which I didn’t really mind, but I’m pretty sure I said “no nuts.”

George Michael: Hey, you’re my cousin, aren’t you?

Maeby: Maeby.

Narrator: This is George Michael’s cousin Maeby.

Maeby: I can’t believe you didn’t recognize me.

George Michael: We never see you. We never see anybody in our family.

Maeby: I know, it’s our parents’ faults. We should teach them a lesson.

George Michael: (Laughing.) Yeah... yeah... No, I-I don’t think so.

Maeby: I should go to my mom tonight and be, like, “I met the cutest guy,” and then she’ll see you and me totally making out.

George Michael: (Laughing.) Yeah. (Continues laughing.) But not really, right?

Maeby: It’s perfect! She’d freak out, and I’d be, like, “Mom, if we saw each other more often, this wouldn’t happen.”

George Michael: But we’re cousins.

Maeby: That’s what makes it funny.

George Michael: But isn’t it against the law?

Maeby: Come on, George Michael.


Narrator: Tobias, now believing the boat party to be pirate-themed...

Tobias: Well, you look like a pirate!

Narrator: ...began searching through his wife’s luggage for an outfit.

Tobias: I should say so. Look at the blouse, sir.

Narrator:Then, mistaking a group of garishly dressed men for pirates, Tobias boarded a van full of homosexuals. Soon, he was unwittingly part of a protest against the local yacht club.  

Tobias: How are you?

Lindsay: Oh, my God, I have the exact same blouse.

Lucille: I like it better on him.

Narrator: And Michael’s big moment finally came.

George, Sr.: I give you the new C.E.O. of the Bluth Company... certainly the smartest Bluth... my favorite Bluth... and the, uh... sexiest creature I have ever laid eyes on... my lovely wife Lucille.

Lindsay: Mom! Mom, congratulations!

Music: Love will keep us together...

George, Sr.: [To Michael] Sorry, it’s not the right time.

Music: Some sweet-talking girl comes along, singing...

Lindsay: I’m not going to lie to you, Michael; this is great news for H.O.O.P.

Act 3Edit

Michael: Hey.

George Michael: You okay?

Michael: You and I, we’ve waited long enough. Time to move on. It’s the start of whole new life for us.

George Michael: I guess we’re going to see you guys even less now.

Maeby: I told you we should have taught them a lesson.

George, Sr.: Lindsay, I want you in this picture.

George, Sr.: Let’s see some smiles, people. It’s a party, not a shareholders’ meeting.

Siren wailing.

G.O.B.: Are those police boats?

Rim shot.

G.O.B.: No, I’m serious. I think they are police boats.

Man: (On bullhorn.) Prepare to be boarded. Prepare to be boarded.

George Michael: I knew it was against the law.

George, Sr.: That’s the Securities and Exchange Commission.

Buster: They have boats?

George, Sr.: Give me a cell phone.

Lucille: Lindsay, Buster, up to the bridge! Come on, Buster. Mighty good grief!

George, Sr.: Delores, listen to me.

Lucille: Out of my way!

George, Sr.: Empty the accounts.

Lucille: Out of my way, Celeste!

George, Sr.: Why are you crying? Why are you crying?

Lucille: Out of my way. Out, out, out. Lindsay, take the wheel. Buster, find us a channel to the ocean.

Buster: Gee, I don’t really have any of my mapping equipment with me.

Lindsay: You’ve had $80,000 worth of cartography lessons. Get us a channel to the ocean.

Buster: Okay, okay, okay.

George, Sr.: Can you hear me now?

Buster: Obviously this blue part here is the land... and that would mean...

Lindsay: Oh, Buster, Buster, it’s all right.

George, Sr.: Shredder. No, save it. Save it. Shredder.

Lucille: Please, don’t leave us now, Buster, please!

G.O.B.: Get in the tomb.

George, Sr.: Save it.

G.O.B.: The Aztec Tomb.

George, Sr.: Hold on. I don’t have time for your magic tricks.

G.O.B.:Illusions, Dad. You don’t have time for my illusions.  

George, Sr.: What is wrong with you? (Muffled.) Why are you so angry?

G.O.B.: Look, just stay in the box. I’ll make you disappear.


Narrator: The Bluth family dominated the news that night.

John Beard: Bluth Development Company president George Bluth was arrested tonight for defrauding investors, and using the company as his personal piggy bank.

John Beard: More intrigue on the high seas tonight, as dozens of local pirates were arrested for protesting the Yacht Club’s discriminatory policies.

Narrator: Even Michael’s brother G.O.B. made the news.

Trisha Thoon: It was Mr. Bluth’s son “Gawb,” a part-time magician, who hid his father here, in The Aztec Tomb. By pushing on this pivoting panel...

G.O.B.: I have to think the Alliance is going to frown on this.

Trisha Thoon: Perhaps a good trick for a human, but the dogs found him almost instantly.

Man: Free at last, y’all.

Tobias: I’m all right, gang. I’m all right.

Lindsay: Thank God.

Tobias: Oh, what an adventure. Oh, my goodness. Buster... don’t do that. What an adventure, gang. I thought that the homosexuals were pirates. But it turns out that most of them were actors in the local theater. You’re right though, it is amazing. I’ve been waiting for the universe to provide a path for me and... and I think it has.

Lindsay: You’re gay.

Tobias:No. No. No, I’m not... I’m not gay. No. Lindsay, how many times must we have this... No. I want to be an actor.  

Michael: Okay, guys, um... they are going to keep Dad in prison at least until this gets all sorted out. Also, the attorney said that they’re going to have to put a halt on the company’s expense account.

Michael: Interesting. I would’ve expected that after “They’re keeping Dad in jail.”

Lindsay: You know, Michael, Dad did name Mom as his successor.

Lucille: And I’m putting Buster in charge.

G.O.B.: He’s a good choice.

Michael: Buster? The guy who thought that the blue on the map was land?

Lucille: He’s had business classes.

Buster:Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. 18th-century agrarian business, but I guess it’s all the same principles. Let me ask you, are you at all concerned about an uprising?  

Michael: That’s it. I’m done. I’m sick and tired of the greed and the selfishness and all the taking. Forget it. I’ve got a son to think about. And you know, Lindsay, by the way, I expected this from them because they’re completely oblivious, but you... you should know better.


Narrator: In the days that followed, Lindsay had no choice but to check her family out of the hotel earlier than planned. And her husband started looking for work.

Tobias: My name is Dr. Tobias Fünke. I was chief resident of psychiatry at Mass General for two years, and I did my fellowship in psycholinguistics at MIT. And this is “I’m A Bad Bad Man” from Annie Get Your Gun.

Lively, off-key piano intro.

Tobias: (Hesitating.) I... I... I... I’m...


Narrator: Lucille was finding it difficult to go about her daily life.

Lucille: The SEC is making him out to be some kind of mastermind, which believe me, he’s not. The man could barely work our shredder.


Narrator: Michael was able to secure a job with a rival housing company almost immediately.

Enrique: We’ll set you up in Arizona in one of our finest estates.

Michael: Attic or main house?


Narrator: And Buster was discovering his academic pursuits didn’t fully prepare him for his new responsibilities.

Executive: Have you looked at the latest figures on the Sudden Valley expansion, vis-a-vis the development versus the tax that it...

Buster: You guys are so smart.

Executive: ...two percent per annum, but this is a non-recoupable...

one hour later...

Lucille: We need Michael.

G.O.B.: We need ice.

Buster: Michael... We need Michael.


Narrator: And so the family staged an intervention.

Michael: I’m sorry, what exactly is this intervention for?

Lucille: We need you to come back and run the business.

Michael: Oh, okay. Well, then, so, technically it’s not really an intervention. It’s a little bit more of an imposition, if you think about it.

Lindsay: Oh, whatever you want to call it.

Michael:I’d love to call it an imposition.  

G.O.B.: We’re in trouble here, Michael. And I can’t perform my magic. I’m getting blackballed from even the smaller venues.


Birthday Party Man: I’ll be honest— I’m just more comfortable with an Alliance-approved magician.

G.O.B.: Aw. Give ’em a hell of a show, champ.

Teen Magician: (bleep) off, traitor.

End Flashback

Maeby: Can you believe this? They’re still fighting.

George Michael: Yeah, I know. I’m tempted to kiss again just so we can teach them a lesson.

Maeby: And why would that teach them a lesson?

George Michael: Oh, I mean, to freak them out.

Maeby: Yeah? But that doesn’t make any sense.

George Michael: Well, isn’t that what makes it funny? I’m laughing. Go fish. Uno.

Michael: Well, I’m sorry. It’s just too late. I’m moving to Phoenix. I got a job. Something you apply for, and then they pay you to, uh... never mind. I don’t want to ruin the surprise.

Michael: So no hard feelings? Adios, sayonara. I’ll see you when the first parent dies.

Lucille: Well, I’d rather be dead in California than alive in Arizona.

Tobias: Touché. Touché.

G.O.B.: Too good.

Michael: George Michael, grab the coat.

Lindsay: I think Dad would really want you to help us out he, Michael.

Michael: Dad’s in jail.

Tobias: This is terrible, terrible ...

Michael: Nice try, Tobias. Here we go.

Lindsay: Well, the least you could do is say good-bye to him.


Narrator: In fact, Michael had not spoken to his father since the arrest, and he decided to give his father the courtesy of a formal resignation.

Michael: I quit.

George, Sr.:Probably a good career move.  

Michael: You know, I parked in the same spot for the last five years. I was there on time every single day.

George, Sr.: Mike...

Michael: I was so loyal, I worked so hard. Why didn’t you just put me in charge?

George, Sr.: Michael, listen to me. These guys, the SEC, they’ve been after me for years. I put you in charge, you’re going to be wearing one of these orange jumpsuits, too.

Michael: I could’ve helped you if you’d told me.

George, Sr.: You’d be an accomplice. No, it had to be your mom. They cannot arrest a husband and wife for the same crime.

Michael: Yeah? I don’t think that that’s true, Dad.

George, Sr.:Really? I’ve got the worst (bleep)ing attorneys!  


Narrator: With Michael leaving town, Lindsay decided to take inventory of the family’s last remaining asset—their model home.

Lindsay: What are you doing?

George Michael: I’m packing up. What are you doing?

Lindsay: Well, just looking for... you. To say good-bye to you.

George Michael: Going to miss you guys.

Lindsay: Oh, well, we’ll come out and see you in... Yeah, we’ll miss you, too.

George Michael: It’s been nice having you guys around. You know, to talk to. Since Mom died, it’s been kind of lonely. I just wish we could all stay here.

Michael: I... I need a hand with the van, please.

George Michael: Okay.

Michael: Sorry. Well, I guess he really misses his family.

Lindsay: Well, he doesn’t know us very well.

Michael: Yeah, clearly. Let me ask you a question. Where the hell have you been? Why didn’t you call me?

Lindsay: Look at my life, Michael. Tobias is out of work, we’re in debt. It’s...

Michael: What are you doing? Are you trying to cry?

Lindsay: I’m sad. Life is hard right now. I’ve got the J.D.L. on my ass.

Michael: J.D.L.?

Lindsay: Jewish Defense League.

Michael: Oh, the circumcision thing? This is why I was against H.O.O.P. Why don’t you just mind your own business, Lindsay?

Lindsay: See? This is why I didn’t call you, Michael, because you’re so judgmental.

Michael: No, I’m not judgmental.

Lindsay: And you’re disappointed in me.

Michael: I’m not disappointed in you.

Lindsay: You are.

Michael: So I’m disappointed in you, but, come on, what is not disappointing about my life? Dad didn’t give me the promotion. Dad’s in jail. How disappointing is that?

Lindsay: So we’re a disappointing family.

Michael: We’re an incredibly disappointing family. But we are a family... and I want my son to be happy, so... maybe we should be in each other’s lives.

Lindsay: I’d like that.

Michael: Yeah?

Lindsay tries to cry.

Michael: Seriously, you’re going to pull a muscle.

Lindsay: I used to be able to do this.


Narrator: So Michael decided to stay in California and try to save the family business. And for the first time ever, he gathered his family together in the model home.

G.O.B.: Dad was always banker, so there was no beating him.

Lindsay: Totally.

George Michael: He should’ve been stocking up on those “Get Out of Jail Free” cards.

G.O.B.: Good one, George Michael!

Buster: Yes!

Michael: Very good.

George Michael: Wish you guys didn’t have to go so soon.

Michael: Oh, on that subject: these guys are actually going to be staying with us. For a while. Just your aunt. And her husband. Not G.O.B.

George Michael: Really?

Michael: Yeah. What the hell, huh? Family first, right? It is going to be a little crowded though, so I think you’re going to have to share a room with your cousin.

Music: What you tryin’ to say to me?

Act 4Edit

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, George Michael gets a new roommate.

Maeby: (In shower.) I’m not that innocent.

Enrique: It was really your brother we were interested in. I mean, you don’t even have any references.

G.O.B.: Is that enough of a reference for you?

Narrator: And Michael finds it difficult to get his father out of jail.

Michael: You love it here?

George, Sr.: Oh, I’m having the time of my life. Hey, T-Bone.

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