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|Season Three, Episode Seven|
"Prison Break-In" was written by Karey Dornetto.
Narrator: Michael Bluth paid an unexpected visit to his mother.
Michael: You look pretty, Mom.
Lucille: What do you need?
Michael: Need? Why do you think I need something?
Lucille: Well, you’re too busy for us. No one’s seen you. Going on all those dates with Rita. Or should I say... “play dates.”
Narrator: Michael had recently dated a woman he later found out was mentally challenged.
caption: silver medalist, two-legged race
Michael: We’re not seeing each other any more, but it’s for the best. I’m actually kind of relieved it’s over.
Narrator: Actually, Michael had been so devastated by their breakup that he’d even broken out the old guitar.
Michael: (sings briefly) I’ve... / I... /
George Michael: Maybe you should talk to someone.
Michael: Like my mom?
George Michael: I don’t know, does she play guitar?
Michael: So, can’t a guy call his mom pretty without it seeming strange?
Buster: Amen! And how about that little piece of tail on her? Cu-ute!
Michael: I’ve opened a door here that I regret.
Lucille: Oh, he’s just talking about his stupid turtle.
Buster: She has a name, Mother. And it’s “Mother.”
Narrator: Buster had recently brought home a turtle in an incredibly misguided attempt to make his mother jealous.
Buster: You can stay in this box that Uncle/Father Oscar left behind.
Narrator: In fact, it was a box of Oscar’s legally obtained medical marijuana.
Buster: Oh, good, you’ve already got grass.
Narrator: Primo bud. Real sticky weed.
Buster: Although I was getting a little worried because she was moving really slowly last week. And then she stopped. Hmm.
Michael: Yeah, well, in any event, I’m here, Mom, because you need me. As you know, the Bluth Foundation dinner is a week away. I am your co-chair, and we don’t want to relive the “T.B.A.” debacle.
Narrator: Years earlier, the Bluths had a hard time agreeing on a cause for their foundation’s first fund-raiser.
George, Sr.: “Herpes.” “Shrinkage.” Somebody saw Seinfeld last night.
George, Sr.: “Neck flap.” “Ovarian cancer.” Gee, I wonder who that was. One more for “neck flap.”
Lindsay: Well, I’ll be honest, I haven’t heard anything that beats herpes.
Narrator: So they sent out invitations with the disease still "to be announced". And, much to their surprise, the Bluths ended up raising over $25,000 to fight “T.B.A.” And then— a here’s the really horrible part— they did it again the following year.
G.O.B.: Keep fighting, little guy. With your support of the Bluth Foundation, we’ll live in a galaxy where “T.B.A.” does not exist.
Michael: When people at the last gala found out, we almost had a riot on our hands.
Lucille: Well, you don’t have to worry about anything like that this year, because Warden Gentiles is the new co-chair.
Michael: The guy who ran Dad’s prison?
Lucille: He’s here now installing cameras because of all your father’s escape attempts.
George, Sr.: Uh, yeah, looks like I won’t be going anywhere for a little while. What do I care, huh? I got a beautiful wife, I got a wonderful hobby. Hah! Look at me, I’m having the time of my life!
Narrator: His hobby was making papier-mâché copies of his own head.
George, Sr.: Oh, before I forget, do you know if these cameras are high def?
Warden Gentiles: I certainly hope so. It’ll help me better understand George Bluth, the main character of the latest and, I pray, final draft of my screenplay, “New Warden.”
Michael: You wrote a screenplay, huh?
Warden Gentiles: I promised myself I wasn’t going to become one of those people who were always going on about their screenplays. So, I’ll just say I put together a staged reading with some fabulous young actors, and it was very well received.
Narrator: Warden Gentiles had convinced his granddaughter’s teacher to mount New Warden as a school play.
- Cut to school play
Boy Gentiles: I understand you’ve been causing problems.
African-American Boy Inmate: Nobody sells any coke in this pen without daddy getting a taste.
Boy Gentiles: Beat him with a pillow case full of batteries.
- Cut back
Lucille: Ward’s letting us hold the event in the new wing of the prison. After lockdown, everyone’s going to spend the night in a cell!
George, Sr.: Are they color or black and white?
Lucille: So, Michael, I don’t need your help at all. Unless you need something from me?
Michael: No, I’m fine. Just thought I could help. Relieved I don’t have to.
Narrator: But he wasn’t relieved. So, he went home to complain to his sister Lindsay.
Michael: Prison’s the last thing we want people associating with the Bluth name. Plus, who’s going to want to go?
Maeby: Wait, this is going to be at the prison? Oh, great. Probably going to run into that warden.
Michael: How do you know the warden?
Maeby: Oh, right. Uh, he spoke at my school for a “Startled Straight” assembly.
Narrator: Actually, she’d met with him in the hopes of using his prison as a location for a film.
- Cut to Warden's office
Warden Gentiles: I think you will find the dessert both engrossing and high grossing.
Script in Desert Bowl: "New Warden by Stefan Gentiles - Copyright 2004 By Stefan Gentiles"
Maeby: So, we don’t get dessert?
- Cut back
Maeby: Guess I have some reading to do.
Michael: Besides, I doubt very much Mom’s come up with a real disease to have a fund-raiser for.
Lindsay: I forgot. We have a real disease. I chose it. G.V.H.: Graft Versus Host. It’s new, it’s fatal, and guess who’s got it?
caption: that morning...
Doctor Carr: You’ve heard of bodies rejecting transplants? Well, in this case, your transplanted hair is rejecting your body. Either you remove your hair graft, or the host —you— will get sicker and eventually die.
Lindsay: Can you think of any benefits?
Doctor Carr: Benefits? No. He’ll die.
Lindsay: Oh, yeah, no, I-I get that. But have there ever been any fund-raisers?
Lindsay: A husband with the headline disease. Everyone’s going to want to talk to me.
Michael: You’re making him keep the hair?
Lindsay: Did you see the attention Superman’s wife got?
Lindsay: Besides, Tobias wants it, too.
Tobias: Oh, she’s right. This is going to be great for me, because I’m going to star in the video G.O.B.’s making for the gay-la.
G.O.B.: Oh, yeah, it’ll be very uplifting. Oh, here, let me get that for you.
Tobias: Thank you. Oh! Oh! This is going hurt!
Body hitting floor
Wheelchair hitting body
G.O.B.: You know what? We’re going to need this from another angle.
Michael: And you sure you’re okay?
Tobias: Oh, probably. I can’t feel anything. How’s my hair?
Michael: It’s fine. It’s sucking the life out of you, Tobias. I mean, everything has gone crazy, the gala, Mom and Warden Gentiles. I mean, what is in it for him? I think he’s taking advantage of Mom.
Lindsay: Did it ever occur to you that maybe Warden Gentiles likes her?
Michael: Likes her what?
Lindsay: No, I mean, likes her. Like, is attracted to her.
Michael: Who’s the “her” in that sentence?
Lindsay: Mom. Warden Gentiles likes Mom.
Tobias: I’m afraid I’m with Michael on this. The guy runs a prison, he can have any piece of ass he wants.
Michael: And if he likes her in that sense, it makes it even worse. I don’t want Mom mixed up with the sort of creep that would have her as a fetish.
Lindsay: Oh, Michael, you’re just feeling neglected by your mother. You wanted to go to this with her, didn’t you?
Michael: Hey, I-I don’t need to take my mom to a gala, okay? On losers go to those things with their parents, I’m going with my son.
George Michael: Oh, I may skip that, I don’t like galas.
Narrator: Actually, he loved galas, all kids do.
Tobias: Oh, come on, don’t leave your Uncle Teabag hanging.
George Michael: Please don’t call yourself that.
Narrator: What he was having trouble with was looking directly at his dying uncle.
Michael: I can’t stand by and watch Mom get hurt. I have to get down there.
G.O.B.: This is heartbreaking. Got to get this for the video. Hey, George Michael, you want to put your head down there by his drainage shunt.
Narrator: Buster, meanwhile, was also feeling abandoned by Mother.
Buster: Mother! I have no one.
Narrator: But at that very moment, his true father returned.
Buster: Uncle/Father Oscar? What are you doing here?
Oscar: (sighs) Well, you know me. I could never leave a little bud behind.
Oscar: Oh, a hug. Nice. You haven’t seen a little box with a turtle on it, have you?
Buster: Oh, yeah. My turtle was living in it before he ate all the grass and died.
Oscar: He ate all the grass?
Oscar: Well, it’s been great catching up.
Buster: Wait, wait, wait, where are you going?
Oscar: No, I can’t stay, because if my brother finds out that I’m here, he can try switching places again, and I can’t go back to prison.
Buster: Wait, wait, wait. If my father comes in, you can hide in one of G.O.B.’s tricks.
Oscar: I can’t.
Buster: At least you can stay and help me bury my poor turtle.
Oscar: Or we could cremate it.
Narrator: And Maeby was having harder time finishing Warden Gentiles’ screenplay than he did.
Maeby: You’re a reader. How’d you like to read something fun that we could talk about on the way to the prison gala?
George Michael: Oh, I’m actually going to sit that out. I’m just burnt out on prisons lately.
Maeby: Well, this might change your mind.
George Michael: Is that a screenplay?
Maeby: Well, that’s what you’re going to tell me.
Narrator: And Michael raced to warn his mother of the warden’s intentions.
Prison Guard: You can’t park there! No stair car parking!
Michael: Sorry, I forgot.
Man yelps, hits ground
Lucille: Everything looks delicious.
Warden Gentiles: Oh, One Eye’s a wonderful chef. I’ve had to go to his parole hearings twice, and lie through my teeth to keep him here.
Michael: Hi, I just, uh... Wow. What are you guys doing?
Warden Gentiles: It’s perfectly innocent. But I can see how, if our roles were reversed, I might have you beaten with a pillowcase full of batteries. I’ll give you two a moment.
Michael: Thank you.
Warden Gentiles: (Mumbling.) I don’t know why I always assume everyone’s read my screenplay.
Lucille: What is wrong with you? That man is being wonderful to us.
Michael: And that doesn’t concern you, Mother? For all you know, he could be trying to seduce you.
Lucille: Oh, Michael, you’re crazy.
Michael: I certainly hope so.
Lucille: I’m trying to seduce him.
Michael: Who’s the “I” in that sentence?
Narrator: Michael had just discovered that his mother was interested in another man.
Michael: Mom wants to sleep with the warden.
G.O.B.: What? Oh, God!
Michael: Great? The man is old enough to be her contemporary, Lindsay. Plus, she’s married okay? She can’t be writhing around underneath...
G.O.B.: What is wrong with you?! It’s disgusting! God!
Michael: Take it easy.
G.O.B.: No, it’s just I’ve always had a thing about Mom and Dad being together.
Michael: I know that.
G.O.B.: I have a sense of propriety, my God.
Michael: G.O.B., we’ve had this conversation.
Michael: The last time you ended up seeing Mom and Dad go at it.
G.O.B.: What? No, God, Michael... I did no such thing.
Narrator: He did very much that thing when his parents got intimate in the conjugal trailer two years ago.
- Cut to the conjugal trailer
Narrator: But, thankfully, he’d found a way to forget that.
G.O.B.: I’ve got a thing of pills in my pocket. I don’t suppose I could convince you to grab me one?
Narrator: Luckily, that worked, too.
- Cut back
G.O.B.: I can’t even hear this.
Lindsay: You may not like it that Mom has needs, but it never bothered you when Dad was running around.
Michael: Well, that was different.
Lindsay: Well, how about when she was sleeping with Uncle Oscar?
Michael: The guy looks just like Dad. I don’t know, he’s family. It seemed very natural they’d be together.
George Michael: Ooh, what-what... what is natural? Is there new legislation on this now?
Narrator: George Michael was concerned about family love after reading Maeby’s script, which he took as a subtle message to him from his cousin.
- Cut to school play
Boy Prisoner #2: Listen, new fish, that bunk was open because the last guy wouldn’t do the things that you’re going to do.
Boy Prisoner #1: We’re going to do things?
Boy Prisoner #2: Anything can happen when two people share a cell, cuz.
- Cut back
George Michael: Um, I’ll.. I’ll go with you to the prison.
Michael: George Michael, what I want you to do is run upstairs and run a nice bath for Uncle Tobias, and I want you to help him get in the tub. Can you do that for me? Thanks.
Tobias: And don’t make the water too hot— the scabs come right off.
Michael: So come on, Lindsay, what are we going to do about mother?
Lindsay: Honestly, Michael, all this mother talk... you’re starting to sound a lot like Buster.
Narrator: And Michael realized there was somebody else in the family that would care about this.
Michael: Buster’s going to take this so hard. I cannot let my brother get hurt.
Tobias (falls down the stairs) Ooooh. (grunting)
G.O.B.: Oh it’s on “standby”! Got another one in you?
Narrator: Buster, meanwhile, was enjoying ing with Oscar, but Oscar was longing for his sweet freedom.
Oscar: Say, you don’t have any Sweet Freedom or Tropical Leaves, or any of the Hawaiian blends, do you?
Oscar: Someone’s coming!
Buster: Oh, get in the cage and hide behind the mirror, it’ll look empty.
Narrator: Oscar never got a chance to hide behind the mirror. Although, it wasn’t the first time he’d been knocked out by a powerful lid.
Michael: Hey, Buster, listen. I got some bad news about Mom. She’s planning on spending the night with another man.
Michael: Not another brother.
Buster: Oh, then why do we care?
Michael: What is wrong with everyone?
Michael: Buster. You’ve got to talk to Mom about this. She can’t possibly do it. If Dad finds out, he’ll go berserk.
George, Sr.: Dad finds out about what?
Michael: Well, I guess I’ve go choice now. Dad, I’ve got some bad news about Mom and Warden Gentiles... dating.
George, Sr.: Better sit down. (Breathing heavily) Okay, what’s the news?
Michael: They’re dating.
George, Sr.: Oh, yeah, because she’s my wife. Oh, yeah, damn it.
Michael: Surprised you’re not more upset about this.
George, Sr.: When you first told me. But you see, time passes. Besides, it’s only dinner in the office. It’s not Le Cirque.
Michael: How’d you know it was in his office?
George, Sr.: Well... where the hell else are they gonna go at 4:00 in the afternoon?
Michael: It was around 4:00. You already know about this.
George, Sr.: Come on.
Michael: You’re up to something, right? You both are. She’s working the warden. You’re making fake heads. You’re planning an escape.
George, Sr.: How dare you. I ought to shave your head and make you sit under that camera all night, mister.
Michael: Unbelievable. I was worried that this guy was gonna take advantage of Mom. You both were taking advantage of him. I don’t know why I work so damn hard to keep this family together.
George, Sr.: Michael, can I talk to you for one sec?
Narrator: And that’s George, Sr. got a call from Lucille.
George, Sr.: Howdy doody, that’s it. Now you get back here so you can smuggle me out past the guards before Michael starts blabbing.
Lucille: You know what? You can smuggle yourself out. You want to get away from me so bad, you’re free. But I’m free, too, baby. I’m staying in the conjugal trailer with the warden tonight.
George, Sr.: Him?
Michael: Hey. Why is there an ambulance out front?
Tobias: Honey, the car is here.
Lindsay: Hey. Do you need a ride? You’ll have to lie down.
Michael: I’m not going. The whole thing is a scam. Mom was just using that warden to try to get Dad out. She’s not trying to seduce him at all.
Lindsay: Oh, no, she is. She’s spending the night with him. She just called to ask me to bring her a tube of vag... is... table paste. Hi, George Michael.
Michael: You’re going, too, huh?
George Michael: Yeah, I thought I would, um, just go with Maeby and support her through this whole Graft versus Host thing.
Narrator: And Michael himself was feeling a little like the host that the grafting family was rejecting.
Michael: Great. Go. It’s a very important cause. I’ll just stay here and read.
Narrator: But this, too, would prove challenging, as the family had no books. Other than those. And that’s when Michael got a glimpse into the warden’s true intentions with his mother.
- Cut to school play
Girl Lucille: You were just using me to get even with the man who broke out of your prison?
Boy Gentiles: That escape cost me my promotion. And you’ll pay for the loss of $2,300 a year.
Girl Lucille: But you gave me presents. We made love.
Boy Gentiles: I’ve given you one last present. Enjoy the chlamydia, Lucille. (Laughs.) Take this newly-diseased woman to the hole. (Laughs.)
- Cut back
Michael: I wish I’d read The Man Inside Me.
Narrator: George, Sr. needed to escape. But his handmade replica would never fool the cameras. So he searched through G.O.B.’s magic stuff to find something that might.
George, Sr.: Well, that was a freebie.
Michael: Hey, G.O.B., glad you’re here. I thought you’d be at the gala.
G.O.B.: Yeah, Dad made me move my stuff out of Buster’s room.
Narrator: But only after hiding himself in the cage to get past the cops at the door.
George, Sr.: Go.
Michael: Mom’s being set up. We have to get into that prison.
G.O.B.: It’s after lockdown.
Michael: Come on, G.O.B., you were gonna break out of this place once, I know you can help me break in.
G.O.B.: It’s not a Jamba Juice, Michael. Shouldn’t be that hard to break into.
Narrator: And Buster returned, only to find no evidence of his Uncle/Father.
Buster: Hey, Father/Uncle Dad.
Buster: I was just bringing some juice for my pet. Wait a minute. You’re not really smiling.
Oscar: I’m Oscar. He did it again. I told you he would. I can’t go through this again. I can’t be caged.
Narrator: And Buster realized he needed to give his true father his freedom. But it was a freedom at didn’t last long. And as the prison gala was underway, the guys arrived for their break-in with the help of one of George, Sr.’s instruments of escape.
Michael: You think this is gonna work?
G.O.B.: It’s a jet pack, Michael. What could possibly go wrong?
Michael: Now just make sure you tell me before you hit any buttons.
G.O.B.: Good. Now we know what the strap was for.
G.O.B.: Under the crotch.
Michael: Need a new plan.
Michael: Wish I knew the layout of this place.
G.O.B.: Way ahead of you, Michael. Drew a map of it on my stomach. It’s upside down, so it might be a little awkward.
Narrator: It was awkward.
G.O.B.: I drew us. I think we’re, like, right there.
Policeman: Hey, guys. If you're gonna party, you want to bring it inside?
G.O.B.: That was a freebie.
- Cut to fund-raiser
George Michael: Well, the new facility isn't so bad, huh? It's a lot like school, only it's air-conditioned. So I guess we can just, uh, just choose a cell to stay overnight in...
Maeby: Oh, great. You could take me through your thoughts about the screenplay, beat by beat.
Michael: Sure, yeah. "Because anything can happen when two people share a cell, cuz." It's a line from New Warden.
Maeby: Oh. Oh! Okay, yeah. I don't know what I was worried about.
Narrator: That would be the happiest moment George Michael would ever experience in his life.
Narrator: And the warden was happy, too.
Warden Gentiles: What a treat. The man who cost me my promotion ends up back in my care. And I don't think there's going to be an "I'm Oscar" website this time.
Oscar: Think this time I'll do a podcast.
G.O.B. on Screen: "Graft versus Host". Sounds like a tennis match between "Steffi Graf" and Happy Days star "Donny Host".
Narrator: It's "Most".
G.O.B. on Screen: (On Screen) But it's far deadlier. Hello, I'm G.O.B. Bluth.
G.O.B.: (applauds himself)
G.O.B. on Screen: As a magician, I can make a lot of things disappear. There are some things I can't make disappear. No, not that candy ball machine. The disease G.V.H., without your help. This is Tobias. When Toby first came into the family, none of us much wanted him around. But that's because we couldn't see what was on the inside. But lately, that's all we've been able to see. But what was Tobias to do? Have his hair plugs removed?
Tobias on Screen: The doctor says I'd be completely healed if I were to do that.
Man #1 in Audience He just needs his hair plugs out?!
Tobias on Screen: Doctor says that's the cure.
Man #2 in Audience: There's a cure?!
Lindsey on Screen: No way. That horse hair is my ticket back into society. You'll cut it after those idiots at the gala accept me as one of their own.
Man #3 in Audience: We're giving money for this guy to keep his hair transplants?!
Woman #3 in Audience: I'd rather give to T.B.A.! This is bull [bleep]!
Narrator: The crowd began to grow unruly.
Man on Speaker: We have a riot in the ballroom
Narrator: And just as the prisoners had proven they could throw a gala as well as the rich, so the rich proved they could throw a riot just as well as the prisoners.
Narrator: And Lucille was brought to the conjugal trailer.
Lucille: Michael, what are you doing?
Michael: I cannot let you go through with this. You can't sleep with him.
Lucille: Oh, yes, I can. I'm making up for the heartbreak your father has caused me. He doesn't need me. You don't need me.
Michael: Of course I need you, Mom. My heart is kind of broken, too. I've been kind of denying it lately, but, you know, it's just, I can't deal with the fact that my family's falling apart now that I really need you.
Lucille: Oh, Michael, honey. I want to cry so bad. But I don't think I can spare the moisture.
Michael: Well, listen, here's... The problem is that, uh, Gentles doesn't really care for you. He's just using you to get back at Dad for escaping, at least that's according to his screenplay.
Lucille You read it?
Lucille: Did you like the chlamydia thing? I gave him that.
Michael: You gave him chlamydia?
Lucille: He had crabs, and I said, "You're gonna get laughs."
Michael Then what am I doing? If Dad doesn't care, there's no real threat. And, I guess, just knock yourself out.
George, Sr.: Where's Gentles?! I'll kill him!
George, Sr.: I can't let you do this! I can't let what we have, as lousy as it may be at times, be destroyed.
Lucille This is where you escaped to? To prison? For me?
George, Sr.: No one is breaking this family apart, no one.
Michael: You know what? I think I needed to hear that.
Warden Gentiles: Sorry about the wait. George? If you’re here, who do we have in the delousing tank?
George, Sr.: I’m guessing Oscar.
Warden Gentiles: No. I cannot take another $2,300 hit.
George, Sr.: I’ll tell you what. You let Oscar out, and you give us an hour in here, and we’ll call it even.
Lucille: Please, Ward?
Warden Gentiles: I can’t say no to the woman who gave me chlamydia. One hour.
George, Sr.: We ready to have some fun?
Lucille: I’m so glad I didn’t cry.
Michael: That I didn’t need to hear.
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, George Michael gets closer to his family...
George Michael: That was close, huh, Maeby?
Tobias: Oh, she’s in the next cell. Looks like we’re gonna be bunk buddies all night, cuz. (Coughs)
Narrator: ...George Michael experiences his unhappiest moment ever.
Narrator: Buster tries to forget his recent losses...
Buster: (Sings briefly) / Just... /
Narrator: ...by breaking out the old guitar
Narrator: And G.O.B. finally faces a phobia he’d faced before.
G.O.B.: No! Not here! Wait. I’ve seen this before. Oh, God, I’ve seen this before!