| Season Two, Episode Ten | |||
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Starring: | |||
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Guest Starring: | |||
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The following is the transcript of the Season Two episode "Ready, Aim, Marry Me". Memorable quotes are highlighted below.
"Ready, Aim, Marry Me" was written by Mitchell Hurwitz & Jim Vallely
Act
Narrator: Michael Bluth arrived home to find his mother, Lucille, in a state of agitation.
Lucille: I think the company is in trouble.
Michael: What tipped you? The falling profits, or that we’re a regular feature on Bill O’Reilly’s “Most Ridiculous Item of the Day”?
Lucille: I’m talking about the fact that my “friend,” Lucille Austero, bought our company, and I think she’s going for a power grab— that bitch!
Michael: You’re not at home, Mom. She doesn’t live next door when you’re here.
Michael: Secondly, she’s already grabbed power. She’s the majority shareholder of the company.
Lucille: I’ll tell you what she wants to grab— your brother G.O.B.
Narrator: In fact, Lucille 2 was already with G.O.B.
G.O.B.: You look really nice.
Narrator: But she was growing tired of his neediness.
G.O.B.: Where you going?
Lucille 2: I’m going to my spin class.
G.O.B.: I thought you had vertigo.
Lucille: She’ll sell the company, or break it up into little parts or something, all under the guise of “caring” about our family.
Michael: You’ve got to stop quoting when you drink.
Michael: I certainly hope she’s not planning a move.
Lucille: I wouldn’t put it past her.
Lucille: She’d love to get at me any way she could. That’s why she’s been flirting with G.O.B. She’s trying to prove that she’s closer to my children than I am, but the joke’s on her, because she doesn’t know how little I care for G.O.B.
Michael: I think that makes the joke on G.O.B.
George Michael: Hey, Dad.
Michael: Hey, buddy. Was that Gangee who was just... You all right?
Michael: Sorry. Your grandmother had a little accident here.
George Michael: Oh. Does that mean she’s going to have to come live with us?
Michael: No, no. No. It was her drink, and even if it wasn’t...
Michael: Do you remember when I bid on Sally Sitwell at the bachelorette auction? They sent me this basket with all this stuff for our date— you know, the whole package. Anyway, I thought maybe we could do it together, you know, sort of like a Valentine’s present.
George Michael: You’re not gonna take Sally?
Michael: Sally? No, no, I wanted it for us. I never wanted to be with Sally.
Narrator: Actually, Michael had gone over to Sitwell Enterprises...
Sitwell Secretary: Michael Bluth to see Sally.
Narrator: ...one day earlier to set up the date with Sally.
Sitwell Secretary: I’m afraid she’s not here, Michael. If you’d like me to take the package, I can give it to her.
Michael: No, no. This is, uh, this is not for her. It’s for my son. Just... don’t tell her I came by.
Narrator: In fact, Sally wasn’t there, and the person Michael saw was her father.
Stan Sitwell: You kidding? This makes me look like my daughter.
Stylist: Oh, no one’s going to think that.
Stan Sitwell: I look like Edgar Winter here. Forget it. I’ve gotta get to spin class.
Michael: So, what do you say? We got a basket full of father-son fun here.
George Michael: What’s Kama Sutra oil?
Michael: Maybe it’s not for us.
Tobias: Valentine’s Day, when Cu... Oh! Was your mother here?
Michael: You all right? I’ll help you up.
Tobias: Oh, that is quite a basket you’ve got there, Michael. That Sally Sitwell is one lucky lady.
Michael: Well, I’m not so sure that she’s actually right for me anyway. But you got one of these, too, didn’t you? You, you bought Lindsay at the same auction.
Tobias: Well, yes, but I’m afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will, so now I’m afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.
Michael: There are just so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.
Narrator: Tobias wanted to make sure that everything was perfect for Lindsay, so he went to check it out first.
Tobias: Oh... body chocolate. It’s a wonderful package. I’ll take it.
Activities Director: You just did.
Michael: Why don’t you take this? I don’t have anyone to go with, anyway.
Tobias: Oh. Can you imagine how jealous that would make her? “Where’s Tobias?” “Oh, he’s just sharing a romantic horseback ride with Michael Bluth, and they’re dipping each other in...” Oh, you didn’t get any body chocolate?
Michael: I-I didn’t mean with me. I hate to see you struggle like this. In fact... Why don’t you let me ask her for you?
Tobias: Well, Michael, you really are quite the Cupid, aren’t you? I tell you, you can zing your arrow into my buttocks any time.
Michael: Okay, you know what you do? You buy yourself a tape recorder, you just record yourself for a whole day. I think you’re going to be surprised at some of your phrasing.
Tobias: Butterscotch! Want a lick?
Narrator: And later, Lindsay stopped by the office, at Michael’s request.
Michael: Great. Thank you. Listen, I want you to take my Romance Package at the Four Seas Hotel.
Lindsay: Oh, yay!
Michael: That’s great. Tobias is gonna be thrilled.
Lindsay: Oh, I have to go with Tobias?
Michael: Lindsay. Your husband really wants this to work. Come on, let me play Cupid this year.
Lindsay: I thought he went already.
Michael: Yeah, I’m giving you mine.
Lindsay: Oh, because you’re too afraid to ask Sally Sitwell to go with you.
Michael: That’s not true. That’s not true at all.
Lindsay: Chaw-chee, chaw-chee, chaw-chee, chaw.
Michael: What is that? Is that a chicken?
G.O.B.: What’s this?
Lindsay: Oh, Michael’s scared to ask out Sally.
Michael: No, I’m not.
Lindsay: Chaw, chee-chaw, chee-chaw.
G.O.B.: Oh, this is priceless.
Michael: You look ridiculous...
G.O.B.: Coka-coh! Coka-coh! Coka-coka-coka-coh...
Michael: Come on. These aren’t even birds. I am not... That’s enough! There are people working here.
G.O.B.: Listen, I think that Lucille 2 is up to something.
Michael: Mom said the same thing when she came over. I thought she was just ticked off ’cause you’re seeing her.
Lindsay: What? You’re seeing Lucille 2? Does Buster know?
G.O.B.: No. And I’m not. Just don’t tell... people. I’m playing the part of the gigolo so that she’ll keep the company afloat. But you know what? Something weird happened yesterday when I was trying to find a way out of there.
one day earlier...
Phone rings.
G.O.B.: Hello?
Hanging up.
Narrator: In fact, it was Stan Sitwell calling her, as he’d become quite taken with Lucille 2, himself.
Michael: You know, it all makes sense. I mean, why else would Sally Sitwell be avoiding me?
Lindsay: Because she thinks you’re a loser.
G.O.B.: And why would Lucille 2 be so distant toward me?
Lindsay: ’Cause she knows you’re a loser?
Michael: I think it’s pretty clear. Lucille 2 and Sitwell are working on a business deal. Lindsay, I’d like for you to go over to Sitwell and see what you can find out. I can’t go there again.
Lindsay: Why do I have to do that?
Michael: Because you’ve been helping yourself to the company money for quite some time.
Michael: It’s not like you do anything for the family, anyway.
Lindsay: Well, G.O.B. doesn’t do anything for the family.
G.O.B.: Hey, I’m bleeping Lucille 2.
Lindsay: Oh, I could do something like that.
G.O.B.: Yes, this was what Dad was really good at— getting us out of tight spots.
Narrator: In fact, at that very moment, George, Sr. was in a tight spot, as he’d gotten himself wedged under the furnace while chasing after a sourball that had rolled out of his pocket.
George, Sr.: (Sighs.) (Howls like a wolf.)
Narrator: Eventually, Michael rescued him.
Michael: I’m just starting to worry that she’s going to sell us out.
George, Sr.: I think the answer to this problem is money. Now, this may just be me having my head against a hundred-degree furnace for an hour, but... maybe we should bring in Jack Dorso.
Michael: Uncle Jack?
George, Sr.: Well, no. He’s not my uncle. He was my dad’s friend. But, uh, this guy has got a fortune.
Narrator: Jack Dorso first achieved success in the ’40s as a co-star of the radio and then film serial, Red McGibbon and Bullet: Nazi Hunters.
Television: (...there are two Nazis up there in that dance hall.)
credited to Red McGibbon
Television: (Shoot me!)
credited to Bullet Gunshot, glass breaking.
Television: Happy Valentine’s Day, Nazis!
Gunshot.
Narrator: When the actor who played Red McGibbon was jailed for his Communist sympathies, Jack Dorso made one attempt at a solo Bullet feature. But the audience was not ready to accept Bullet as a romantic lead, despite his powerful upper body. So he started a chain of gymnasiums, having stolen the idea from Red during a prison visit. And as the years passed, he became well known for his annual birthday feats of strength.
Uncle Jack: Five pounds for each year of my life!
Narrator: Sadly, he lost the use of his legs on his 70th birthday...
Voices: Release!
Narrator: ...at the newly-remodeled Jack Dorso’s in Albany, New York.
Loud cracking.
Uncle Jack: Too much!
Thud.
Michael: If he’s got so much money, how come we never called him before?
George, Sr.: But I have. I mean, there wouldn’t be a Bluth Company without him. I could never have afforded that first tract of land. But he always wants something in return. I don’t know— see if you can talk your mother into taking another bullet for the Bluth family.
Narrator: So, the family gathered at Lucille’s to welcome and solicit Uncle Jack. And remember, he wasn’t really their uncle.
Lucille: Buster. Nice of you to take a break from that common whore you’ve been dating.
Buster: She is not a whore, Mother. She happens to be the new secretary of the Bluth Company. And, yes, she’s more experienced than a normal girl, but sometimes love should be terrifying.
Narrator: In fact, Buster had even started using his Army stealth training.
Starla: Buster...?
Buster: I’ll be right in! And then maybe we can talk about... (Grunts.) making that love!
Lucille: Well, I shouldn’t complain. It’s better than you dating Lucille 2, that bitch!
Buster: Lucille 2’s not a “B,” Mother. She’s kind, and she’s caring and she’s certainly less experienced than that whore that I’m dating now.
Narrator: And perhaps it was screaming it out loud that made Buster realize that he missed Lucille 2.
Michael: I’m wondering if you can keep some of the more piercing profanities down when the 90-year-old fitness buff gets here?
Lucille: You know, Michael, I was happy to call Uncle Jack for you, but that’s as much as I’m going to do— if you know what I mean. I need a more vital man.
Knocking at door.
Uncle Jack: Someone order 140 pounds of upper-body strength?
Michael: Well, he certainly sounds vital to me.
Uncle Jack: Walk, Dragon, walk! Enter the room!
Michael: Welcome, Uncle Jack.
Uncle Jack: He’s half deaf. It was a stupid, stupid hire. Not higher! Eye level! Eye level! Kisses and then we talk! Which one is Michael?
Michael: Eh...
Uncle Jack: Swoop me!
Clattering.
Michael: I really appreciate you coming over, Uncle Jack.
Uncle Jack: Thank you for having me. You may be amazed. I’m invited into very few personal homes.
Uncle Jack: To the nuts! The bridge mix! The bridge mix! Fool!
Buster: Hey, fake Uncle Jack.
Uncle Jack: Oh, is this the boy? Is this the little one? My God, you’re an Army man. I was never in the Army. I was in the pictures! “Here comes Uncle Jack!” Shoot me!
Yelling.
Uncle Jack: Look at that— I pinned him! I pinned the Army man! God bless you for being in the Army. Up, Dragon! Left. Left with vigor.
Buster: (Whimpering.)
Lindsay: Remember me?
Uncle Jack: Lucille. Why, you look younger than you did the day I...
Lucille: No, you old fool. I’m Lucille.
Uncle Jack: (Shrieks.) You look fabulous! Back to the blond! Back to the blond! Isn’t she beautiful? Oh, yeah.
Maeby: He’s kind of scary, that guy, huh?
George Michael: No, not to me. I think he’s kind of cool.
Maeby: Well, why don’t you go get your kiss from Mr. Cool Half-Man?
George Michael: I... Okay, I’d be fine with that, so...
Maeby: Let’s go. Come on. Let’s go.
Uncle Jack: She’s no bigger than one of my legs. Shake them for her! (Grunting.)
George Michael: Excuse me, Uncle Jack, I’m George Michael...
Uncle Jack: It’s okay. Ignore it. Ignore it! It’s just something the body does when you shake it! Don’t shake it! Don’t shake it!
Uncle Jack: Towel!
Lucille: Not the good ones!
George Michael: Is he dying? What if he’s dying?
Muffled retching.
Lindsay: Boy, that Dragon’s cute, huh?
Michael: What, the deaf giant who’s holding our fake uncle?
Lindsay: He’s been flirting with me all night. I was thinking maybe it would be best for the family if I went on that romance thing with Drag, instead of Tobias... which would be a drag.
Michael: Yeah, that’s just the kind of joke Drag can’t hear.
Lindsay: So what did he say about the money?
Michael: He said he’d like to sleep on it.
Narrator: Meanwhile, Buster had decided to pursue a new girlfriend. His old girlfriend.
Buster: Hey... brother?! What are you doing here?
G.O.B.: I’m keeping an eye on the woman who controls our company.
Buster: In her robe and slippies?
G.O.B.: I’m getting into her head. I think she’s planning on selling our company to Stan Sitwell. But I’ve lost her trail, and I don’t think I have the skills to pick it up.
Buster: Skills?
four minutes later..
Buster: These kinds of skills?
G.O.B.: Not really.
G.O.B.: But if you could get me one of those outfits, we could hide in the bushes or something and spy on them.
Buster: I would like to see her again. You’ve got it!
Narrator: And Michael told his father the good news about Uncle Jack.
George, Sr.: You’re pimping out your sister?
Michael: You were pimping out my mother.
George, Sr.: Yes, because she was sleeping with my brother. But your sister?!
Michael: Everything’s gonna be fine. No one’s going to get hurt. No one is going to get hurt.
Maeby: Oh, hey, Michael. My dad wanted me to thank you for the romantic getaway. Don’t tell me what that means.
Michael: Where is your dad?
Maeby: He left dressed all westerny. You can leave me out of that part, too.
Narrator: And Michael realized that perhaps somebody would get hurt.
Michael: I screwed my brother-in-law.
Maeby: Well, I’m all grown up now.
Narrator: So, Michael rushed to the Four Seas Hotel to keep Tobias from finding out about Lindsay’s date.
Michael: Hi!
Tobias: Michael! Michael, this is Jeff. He does all the horse work here. You’ll meet him again at the end. Plus he gets you your juice. Not your first juice, but the one you get at the spa.
Michael: That’s right— you’ve done this before.
Tobias: But not with a lovely lady. Jeff doubts one’s coming at all. Don’t you...?
Tobias: Sorry, sorry...
Michael: About the lovely lady...
Uncle Jack: Stop! You dropped the boot! You dropped the boot!
Narrator: Michael came up with the only evasion he could think of.
Uncle Jack: He dropped it! Let him get it!
Michael: Tobias, the, uh, the lovely lady, she’s going to be a little bit late. She’s doing some work. She said to go ahead and get started without her. Saddle me up, Jeff.
Wrangler Jeff: It’s going to take a few minutes to tack another horse.
Narrator: So Michael embarked on the romantic adventure he’d spent so lavishly for.
Tobias: Well, you certainly didn’t help my reputation as a ladies man with Jeff. But we’ll clear all that up in the spa when I get my facial.
Michael: Hey, did you ever get that tape recorder?
Tobias: You’re funny. Come on, boy. Hu-Chah-Chah! Ha-cha! Whoa!
Narrator: Soon, the next group began their romantic date.
Lindsay: So nice of you to cover this, Uncle Jack.
Uncle Jack: My pleasure. It’s nice to do something you don’t need legs for.
Uncle Jack: (Yells.) (Sputtering.) Towel!
Narrator: And Lucille 2 showed up with Stan Sitwell, who did look a little like Edgar Winter. And one by one, they each enjoyed the activities of their romantic getaways.
Tobias: Body chocolate?
Michael: No.
Narrator: Of course, in the spa, the jets proved too powerful for Uncle Jack’s tiny legs. The spa portion also proved challenging to Stan Sitwell and Lucille 2... who, in turn, were being followed by Buster... and G.O.B. And soon, Michael and Tobias awaited their massage therapists.
Michael: So, uh, Tobias, I’m afraid that your wife might not actually end up here with you.
Tobias: You know, Michael, perhaps I should buy you that tape recorder. Do you have any idea how often you say the word “afraid”?
Michael: Well, I-I know I used it in the Jacuzzi.
Tobias: And I apologize for that. I thought it was a pool toy.
Tobias: But you were supposed to be here with Sally Sitwell, but you were afraid to ask her. So, what do you do? You create issues, and you make up imaginary problems, like this merger I hear you’re worried about.
Michael: Well, uh... you’re probably right about, uh...
G.O.B.: That was the towel guy!
Michael: ...me being afraid of the word “no.” But... you know, the merger’s real. I’m not imagining that.
G.O.B.: Lucille! (Sighing.) Michael! (Gasps.) Michael?
Michael: What are you doing here?
Buster: Following Lucille 2. She’s with Sitwell.
G.O.B.: She probably figured that we’d never track her. But we lost her. Everyone put on white robes and outsmarted us.
G.O.B.: Lucille? Lindsay? (Whispers.) Lindsay?
Tobias: Wait, wait, wait. Lindsay’s here? With two men?
Buster: Sort of one and a half.
Michael: Tobias? Hey, Tobias?
Tobias: Lindsay! Look, I... Oh! Lucille 2! I’m sorry. And Miss, I-I don’t know your name.
Michael: Tobias? Lucille... Sitwell, what’s this?
Lucille 2: It’s our romantic getaway, Michael.
Michael: Romantic? So... then, the company isn’t... being taken over? So, Lindsay doesn’t have to be with Uncle Jack? Oh, Tobias, we’ve got to stop Lind... Tobias? Tobias?
Buster: How’d you like to take a nap, baldy?
G.O.B.: I’ll handle this. She’s my girlfriend, pal. Take him down, Buster.
Buster: Your girlfriend? That’s why you were in her robe and slippies. You weren’t trying to get into her head. You were trying to get into her... robe and slippies. She’s my girlfriend! (Grunting.)
Tobias: So, this is who you choose over me?
Smack.
Uncle Jack: She’s not with him! She’s with the Bullet!
Tobias: Oh, thank God.
Uncle Jack: But if you want a fight, you’ve got it. Shoot me! (Grunting.)
Lucille 2: (Yelling.) Stop it! Stop it! Look...
Lucille 2: I wasn’t trying to sell your company. But I am now. The hell with all of you!
Stan Sitwell: I’m gonna try and low-ball her.
G.O.B.: Not while we’re around.
Buster: We’re not done here, G.O.B.!
Michael: Tobias... Tobias, I’m sorry. I set this up for Lindsay. Lindsay, I’m sorry. You were not on a date with Dragon.
Lindsay: I know that, Michael. It was pretty obvious when Dragon kept swooping Uncle Jack in for a kiss. You said I never did anything for the company. I-I just thought I’d try. But Tobias... I never thought you’d ever fight for me.
Tobias: I had no idea a 90-year-old man could cave in my chest cavity like that.
Lindsay: Dragon, would you mind carrying my husband to the car?
Tobias: (Groans.) Oh, God!
Uncle Jack: I love takin’ a guy down. I think I snapped one of his ribs. No, it’s my leg. Bet that would hurt.
Michael: I guess the deal’s off now, now that I actually need you to help us out?
Uncle Jack: I’ll make you a deal. You carry me, and I’ll carry you.
Michael: Thanks, Uncle Jack.
Uncle Jack: Yeah.
Michael: Let’s see here...
Uncle Jack: I think we should get to the hospital. This duct tape is the only thing that’s keeping the ankle on.
Michael: Okay.
Uncle Jack: (Grunting.) Right around there. Oh! I think you’re right inside me now.
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Uncle Jack buys the company, but makes some changes of his own, ...
Lindsay: And he’s gonna make me President. (Laughs.)
Narrator: ... Tobias listens to a day’s worth of his own words, to see what Michael was referring to, ...
Tobias: (On tape.) ...even it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up.
Tobias: Nothing wrong with that.
Tobias: (On tape.) Oh, I’ve been in the film business for a while, but I just can’t seem to get one in the can.
Tobias: It’s out of context.
Tobias: (On tape.) I wouldn’t mind kissing that man between the cheeks.
Narrator: (... and he realized there is something distinct about the way he speaks.)
Tobias: Tobias... you blowhard!