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1x14 Shock and Awww (23)

Transcript of "Shock and Aww"
Written by: Chuck Martin & Jim Vallely


Season One, Episode Fourteen

Starring:
Jason Bateman as Michael Bluth
Portia de Rossi as Lindsay Bluth Fünke
Will Arnett as G.O.B.
Michael Cera as George Michael Bluth
Alia Shawkat as Maeby Fünke
Tony Hale as Buster Bluth
David Cross as Tobias Fünke
Jeffrey Tambor as George Bluth
Jessica Walter as Lucille Bluth
Ron Howard as Narrator

Guest Starring:
Justin Lee as Annyong Bluth
Jane Lynch as Cindi Lightballoon
Michael Blieden as Agent Cummings
Matt Price as Agent Freeling
BW Gonzalez as Lupe
Justin Grant Wade as Steve Holt
Heather Graham as Beth Baerly
Matthew Richards as Jeremy
Iqbal Theba as Nazhgalia
Unknown as Mrs. Whitehead
Maliabeth Johnson as Shannon


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Transcript

The following is the transcript of the Season One episode "Shock and Aww". Memorable quotes are highlighted below.

"Shock and Aww" was written by Chuck Martin & Jim Vallely.

Act 1Edit

Narrator: Michael was sharing his bed for the first time in years. Unfortunately, it was with his younger brother, Buster.

Michael: Buster. Buster.

Michael: Hey, whoa! Whoa, Buster.

Buster: Hey, brother.

Michael: I don’t think us sleeping together is working out. You’re a grown man. You should be living with your mother.

Buster: Yeah. I miss Mom.

Michael: I can tell.

SceneEdit

Michael: Hey, good morning. What are you doing?

George Michael: This is my Ethics essay. I’m supposed to write 200 words on the morality of war—whether a preemptive strike is ever justified.

Michael: Absolutely. It’s preemptive, you know? Happened before something else, so... if you can predict aggression, and you want to squash it... I don’t know why you’re not typing this. It’s all good.

George Michael: I’m not sure my Ethics teacher would love if I cheated on my essay.

Michael: Well, you just passed my Ethics test.

Cutaway

Narrator: In fact, George Michael had developed a hopeless crush on his Ethics teacher—a woman named Beth Baerly.

Beth Baerly: ... even minor crimes are punishable by brutally chopping off the offender’s hand.

George Michael: Oh. No ring.

End cutaway

Michael: Can’t wait to meet her at Parent-Teacher Night.

George Michael: Oh, yeah, Dad. And, Dad, try to remember everything she says about me.

Michael: Okay.

Lucille: Michael? I need you to do something about my son.

Michael: I totally agree, Mom. Buster goes home. We flip the mattress. This never happened.

Lucille: Not Buster. Read this.

Michael: Did you and Dad adopt a child?

Lucille: The SEC was on to us. Your father thought it would make us look charitable. He must have forged my signature.

Flashback

Lucille: Well, maybe I’ll get a son who will finish his cottage cheese.

End flashback

Lucille: You’ve got to get me out of this.

Michael: I’ll call Social Services, but you must take Buster back.

Lucille: Okay. Great. But I’m not taking care of him either. I... I don’t have the milk of mother’s kindness in me anymore.

Michael: That udder’s been dry for a while though, hasn’t it?

Michael: Hello.

G.O.B.: Michael. I got a couple of girls here—a couple of fun girls — I thought I’d bring you in on.

Michael: Ooh, I don’t know, G.O.B.

G.O.B.: Come on, Michael. So we had a little disagreement.

Flashback

Narrator: Recently, G.O.B. had discovered that Michael was interested in his now ex-girlfriend Marta.

End flashback

G.O.B.: I’m offering you an olive branch here.

Michael: Yeah, yeah, no, I know, and I... I appreciate that.

G.O.B.: Besides, when was the last time you slept with someone?

:Flashback

Michael: Buster.

:End flashback

Michael: What time and place?

SceneEdit

Narrator: Meanwhile, Lindsay was helping George Michael with his homework.

Lindsay: Oh, come on, let’s do something. It’s just a stupid essay.

George Michael: I can’t. I don’t want to let down Miss Baerly. She’s nice, you know?

Lindsay: She’s interesting... And pretty?

George Michael: Well, I don’t know why I’m telling you this. I guess there’s just some things you can’t always say to your dad.

Lindsay: Ah. sounds like you’d like her to be more than just your teacher.

Narrator: Lindsay believed that George Michael wanted to fix up his father so she could fill the role of his mother.

Lindsay: There’s nothing wrong with that. Although... I must say I’m a little hurt that you haven’t considered me.

George Michael: You’re my aunt.

Lindsay: That doesn’t matter. Aunts can fill that role. Teachers can fill that role. And, someday, you’re going to find the right woman to fill that role. But until then... I’ll be right across the hall.

Narrator: Lindsay had never been more proud of anything she had said in her entire life.

George Michael: Yikes.

SceneEdit

Narrator: Meanwhile, G.O.B. was waiting for Michael to show up.

G.O.B.: Oh, there he is. Michael.

Michael: Yes.

G.O.B.: This is Shannon, the girl I’ve been telling you all about.

Michael: Yes. Girl, indeed. Young girl. That’s a young, young, young girl.

G.O.B.: Yeah. Well, she’s 18, so it’s, like... Oh, and this is your date, Nag...

Nazhgalia: Shelley.

Michael: Hell... Oh, my God.

G.O.B.: Well, Shannon wouldn’t go out without a chaperone, so...

Michael: Right.

G.O.B.: She’s your date.

Narrator: It was clear that G.O.B. wasn’t offering an olive branch at all, and, in fact, was still harboring some resentment over Marta.

G.O.B.: (Chuckling.) Oh, Nagarmat, you’ve got a mustache. I mean you’ve got milk on your mustache. Oh. I mean, you’ve got a milk mustache.

Michael: Yeah. It’s adorable. You look like one of those “Got milk?” models.

Narrator: But G.O.B. mistook Michael’s basic human decency for a romantic interest, and felt a competitive urge to step in.

G.O.B.: You know, he’s beyond adorable. Exotic. I find you very attractive.

Michael, Nazhgalia, & Shannon: Really?

SceneEdit

Narrator: And George Sr. was about to get a surprise visitor.

Cindi Lightballoon: Mr. Bluth, I’m Cindi Lightballoon. I’ve studied all your teachings, and I’ve purchased every tape, and I watch them over and over.

Narrator: George Sr. had recently marketed a line of self-help tapes touting his newly discovered spirituality.

Cindi Lightballoon: I’ve also lost four pounds on your low-carb Bluth Banana Jail Bars. I’ve come to learn at your feet.

George, Sr.: That’s a good place to start.

SceneEdit

Narrator: And Michael, free of his double date, met Lindsay at Parent-Teacher Night.

Michael: Hey, Linds, is it my imagination, or does this rape room have the same floor plan as our kitchen?

Lindsay: Did you meet Miss Baerly yet? The Ethics teacher? Because I just did.

Michael: No. Not yet. Look. These are our cabinets.

Lindsay: Well, I think she’s perfect for you.

Michael: For me? Really? Thanks, but no, Lindsay. I’ve already been set up once today by a sibling, and I don’t think you people know my type.

Lindsay: Hey, look, it’s not coming from me. It’s George Michael. He told me. I think he wants a mother.

Michael: Well, that’s ridiculous. He’s got you. He’s got our mother. You’d think that would turn him off the entire concept. Besides, I’m not going to rush out and marry somebody just because you think my son would like it.

Beth Baerly: Welcome. I’m Miss Baerly, the Ethics teacher. My goal is to teach your children about the preciousness of life that can be lost by the mindless pulling of a trigger.

Michael: Mmm. No ring.

Act 2Edit

Narrator: And so Michael got to know his son’s Ethics teacher.

Michael: Ethics. Right and wrong. How can one thing be right and another one be wrong? I mean, which is which, you know? I guess that’s the “Urgh!” of it, you know? So frustrating.

Beth Baerly: I don’t know. I mean, they just threw this class at me after Mr. Daniels had a stroke.

Michael: Oh!

Michael: I had him—Mr. Daniels. How is he?

Beth Baerly: Oh, he, you know, had a stroke.

Michael: Oh. I thought you were joking.

Beth Baerly: No. I was just laughing ’cause you were laughing.

Michael: Right, no. Yeah. Gosh. Hmm. Urgh!

Beth Baerly: Urgh! But, you know, I really am anti-war and anti-violence, and I think I’m an ethical person.

Michael: Right. Here’s an ethical question. Can a parent take a teacher out for a drink or...?

Beth Baerly: I don’t know. Do you have a wife?

Michael: Yeah. But she’s dead.

Beth Baerly: Oh.

Beth Baerly: Have you ever been married?

Michael: Yeah. She died.

Beth Baerly: Oh, God. Why are we laughing?

Michael: I don’t... Well, the Mr. Daniels stroke thing all over again. Let’s go get that drink.

Beth Baerly: Yeah. It can only help.

Michael: Urgh!

Beth Baerly: Urgh!

SceneEdit

Narrator: George Sr. was dealing with his own admirer.

Cindi Lightballoon: Oh, I’ve already told you so many of my sins. Maybe you could tell me some of yours.

George, Sr.: Yeah, well there are legal implications to that, but... back to your sins. Do that one about the ladies’ shower in your college dorm again.

SceneEdit

Narrator: And Michael was on his way to what would be his second date with Miss Baerly.

Lucille: Michael, the little Korean is here, and I don’t know what to do with him. At least I think it’s a him. You’ve got to strip them down to next to nothing before you could even tell.

Michael: Yeah. Mom, I just spoke to Social Services and, although they don’t like to do this, if you can prove that it’s a bad environment for a child, and I would suggest saying what you just said to me. Don’t change a word. They will take him back.

Lucille: Ha, ha, ha. (To Annyong.) Don’t get too comfortable. Shoes on, Mister. Shoes on. (Into phone.) He’s out of control. Hold on.

Buster: I’m back. Who’s that?

Annyong: Annyong.

Lucille: This is Annyong, who your father and I have adopted.

Buster: What? I’m gone for a couple days, and you find a new son?

Narrator: Lucille could see that her son was concerned, even jealous, and she knew how it felt to be overlooked.

Lucille: Yes. Annyong is your brother now.

Annyong: Annyong.

Lucille: Yes. Annyong. (Into phone.) Excuse me. Michael? Call it off. I’m keeping him.

Michael: Look, I have to call you back.

Beth Baerly: Sweet ride. Are you making dinner reservations?

Michael: No, no. That was my mom. She just had a little Korean dropped off.

Beth Baerly: Ooh, that sounds good. Let’s have that.

SceneEdit

Restaurant Staff: Annyong.

Michael: Hello.

SceneEdit

Narrator: And after their date, Michael took a step he hadn’t taken in years.

Michael: Okay, do you think this is a good idea?

Beth Baerly: I think it’s a great idea.

Michael: Such a good idea.

Beth Baerly: How are we going to sneak in without waking everyone up?

Michael: We’ll take the stairs. This may not have been my best idea.

Act 3Edit

Nazhgalia: I’m sorry, Michael.

G.O.B.: I’m sorry, too, Michael, but... looks like we’re even. You took something I liked, I took something you liked. Yeah. I [bleep]ed Nazbakalijan.

Michael: Listen, I know that you’ve been trying to get even with me about Marta, but got some bad news for you—I’m seeing somebody else.

G.O.B.: Who? Who? Just out of curiosity. I’m not going to try to sleep with her.

Michael: Forget it. I thought that this was behind us.

G.O.B.: It is behind us.

Michael: Great.

G.O.B.: When I sleep with her. ’Cause I’m going to sleep with her. Yeah. I was lying just then, when I said I wasn’t going to sleep with her.

Michael: ’Course she’d have to agree to it, G.O.B.

G.O.B.: Oh, I don’t anticipate a problem with that, guy.

Michael: No?

G.O.B.: No. Because I’ve seen some of the dogs that you like.

Michael: Right.

G.O.B.: I just slept with one.

Michael: Again. Didn’t like Nazhgalia.

G.O.B.: Really?

Michael: Really. And good luck getting rid of her.

G.O.B.: Oh, please. Not a problem. She knows it was a one-time thing. Totally cool.

Michael: So romantic.

G.O.B.: Who’s N. Bahn-Ahden? (Into phone.) Hello.

Michael: Hey, George Michael. Wanted to talk to you about something before, but I didn’t know if it was real, but now, um... your Ethics teacher...

George Michael: Yeah. I just made this for her.

Michael: Oh.

George Michael: Yeah, she loves Saddam Hussein.

Michael: I’m sure she doesn’t love Saddam. I’m sure she is interested in him as a subject, you know?

George Michael: Right. That’s what I meant.

Michael: Yeah. Great.

George Michael: You know, I just wanted to make her something special to show that I care.

Michael: About the class?

George Michael: No, I mean about her.

Michael: Oh.

George Michael: I kind of love her.

Michael: You mean, you love her like... like she loves Saddam, right?

George Michael: No, no. I mean, like, love her, love her.

Michael: Oh. Oh.

Beth Baerly: Oh, hi. Hi, George Michael. I was just looking at this model home. I’m going to go home and think about it. I’m going to go home and think about it.

George Michael: Dad, what was she doing here? I mean, she wasn’t...

Narrator: Michael knew he had an ethical responsibility to tell his son the truth.

Michael: Yes. Your Uncle G.O.B. slept with her.

Act 4Edit

George Michael: Why would he do that? Why would G.O.B. sleep with my Ethics teacher?

Michael: Probably just to get even with me.

George Michael: How would that be getting even with you? I’m the one that likes her.

Michael: Right. Right. No, I know. You and I know that, but G.O.B., you know, he’s not that exact of a target shooter. He just kind of sprays it everywhere. But listen, did you really think that you had a... I mean, she’s kind of old for you, don’t you think?

George Michael: We don’t even know how old she is. No one does. She was chaperoning the Diversity Dance and I thought, like, maybe as a joke thing, I’d go up to her and be like, “Oh, hey, do you want to dance?” And she’d be like, “Eh, what the heck,” right? Or something, I don’t know. I did it differently in the mirror, but...

Michael: Right.

George Michael: Like, it would like be joke dancing or something. I didn’t think it through.

Michael: Don’t you think you should be taking somebody your own age to the dance, like your cousin? Bad example, but...

George Michael: I feel so stupid. I defaced a rare book to get that picture of Saddam Hussein in a bathing suit.

Michael: “What would Saddam do?”

George Michael: Yeah. Yeah, you know something? You’re right. G.O.B.’s going to pay.

Michael: Okay, that is our exact outdoor fire pit.

SceneEdit

Narrator: At prison, George Sr. was preparing for an evening with his most devoted fan, while Cindi Lightballoon was making preparations of her own.

Cindi Lightballoon: How we doing?

Agent Harris: We have video. Testing, one, two.

Agent Cummings: Tilt back a little, will you, Harris?

Cindi Lightballoon: Let’s bust this guy.

SceneEdit

Narrator: So George Michael, still angry at G.O.B., sought out the family expert on making trouble.

Maeby: I know he was dating that girl Shannon.

George Michael: The cheerleader?

Maeby: Yeah, she’s probably going to take him to that stupid Diversity Dance. I wish I had someone shocking to take. You know, I actually called Mr. Daniels and asked him, but he got all out of breath and dropped the phone. I never heard back.

George Michael: You know, maybe we should go together. All right, I mean, it’s a bad example, I just... but should we?

Buster: Hello.

Annyong: Annyong

Buster: Yes, Annyong, your name’s Annyong. We all know you’re Annyong. Annyong, Annyong, Annyong.

Maeby: Who’s this?

Buster: Oh, I’m sorry. This is Annyong.

Annyong: Annyong.

Buster: My mom bought him. She’s making me register him for school. He’s my new little brother.

Maeby: So we’re related. Hey, do you want to go to a dance?

George Michael: Oh, great, another uncle to compete with.

SceneEdit

Narrator: And Michael went to discuss the George Michael situation with Miss Baerly.

Beth Baerly: Being held against their will, purely on the basis of political or religious beliefs. (Chuckling.) I’m sorry. I met someone. I’m sorry. Anyway, this is serious. This is atrocities. No more smiling. Uh, just a minute.

Michael: Hi, sorry.

Beth Baerly: Hey! Don’t worry, George Michael’s not in there. Those are the dumb kids.

Michael: Okay. Um... Listen, this is, uh...

Beth Baerly: Wow! Did you make this for me? This is so sweet. I love Hussein.

Michael: You mean you’re interested in him.

Beth Baerly: Oh, yes. He is a monster. Wow, where did you find this one of him in a Speedo?

Michael: This is what I wanted to talk to you about, though. Beth, I don’t think that I can continue to see you. I mean, I’ve enjoyed my time with you. You want to talk ethics...

Beth Baerly: You really mean it. This isn’t one of “My wife died” jokes?

Michael: No, I’m afraid this is serious. You see, George Michael made this poster for you. You know, he kind of, uh, is in love with you, so...

Beth Baerly: He knows we’re going out. He saw me this morning.

Michael: No, no. I covered that. I told him that you slept with my brother.

Beth Baerly: That may be the most unethical thing I have ever heard.

Michael: Well, you’ve only been doing this half a semester. Look, it was a preemptive strike. My brother would have tried to sleep with you.

Beth Baerly: Well, I want you to leave right now and not come back.

Michael: I know. I understand. I’m sorry. And uh, you will not see me again. Starting right now.

SceneEdit

Narrator: George Sr. went on a walk with Cindi and she was getting to him.

Cindi Lightballoon: You can feel safe to fully reveal yourself to me.

George, Sr.: All right. There is... There is something. Come closer.

George, Sr.: It’s weighed heavy on my soul. Uh... You know, the Talmud teaches us to... There you go.

Agent Harris: Oh, you’re kidding me. He’s on to us. He’s found the camera.

Agent Cummings: Get out of there. He’s got the camera. Abort. Abort. Clean the dog. We are cleaning the dog.

SceneEdit

Narrator: That night, Buster came home to an empty apartment.

Buster: So, it’s off with mother now.

Narrator: In fact, Lucille was just giving Annyong and Maeby a ride.

Buster: You’re trying to steal from the wrong man. Watch your back, my little immigrant friend.

SceneEdit

Narrator: And the Spring Diversity Dance was in full swing.

Steve Holt: Whoa. Sorry. Students only.

Maeby: Oh, so you’re not letting him in because he doesn’t share your perfectly shaped nose, your round eye-shaped eyes, your strong square jaw?

Steve Holt: Thanks. You want to dance?

Maeby: Yeah.

Steve Holt: All right, come on.

Maeby: Steve Holt!

SceneEdit

Narrator: And G.O.B. sought out Shannon...

G.O.B.: Shannon!

Narrator: ...who had found out he had cheated on her with Nazhgalia.

G.O.B.: Shannon, where are you! Shannon! Oh, hey, Lisa. Shannon! Excuse me. Look. I blew it, okay? But I bought a yearbook ad from you, doesn’t that mean anything anymore?

Michael: Beth? Hey. Hi. Listen, um, I blew it, okay? I had to see you. I’ve been giving this a lot of thought and I have to do the right thing.

Beth Baerly: You’re going to tell George Michael the truth?

Michael: Oh, that’s your definition of the right thing. Uh, I kind of thought is was to make a big dramatic entrance and tell you that I wanted to see you. Okay, I’ll get right on that. George Michael? Where are you? George Michael!

George Michael: Uncle G.O.B.

G.O.B.: George Michael. What are you doing at a high school dance?

George Michael: I’m looking for you. How could you do this to me?

G.O.B.: Do what? I’m just here with my girl.

George Michael: Yeah, my Ethics teacher.

Michael: Hey, George Michael...

George Michael: Dad, I’m taking care of something okay? (To G.O.B.) You slept with my Ethics teacher.

Michael: Whoa, whoa. Just hang on a second. It wasn’t him. It’s me, okay? I’ve been dating your Ethics teacher.

G.O.B.: Wow, Michael. I’m really touched that you’d stick up for me after I’ve been so horrible to you.

Michael: Hmm?

G.O.B.: You know what, now it’s time for me to do the right thing. I slept with the Ethics teacher. I’m sorry.

Michael: What are you talking about?

G.O.B.: Lindsay told me that you liked her, and I’m not proud of this, but... I (bleep)ed Mrs. Whitehead.

Narrator: In fact, G.O.B. mistook the Civics teacher for the Ethics teacher Michael was dating.

G.O.B.: Man, he... has a type.

Michael: G.O.B., Mrs. Whitehead was the Civics teacher. We both had her.

G.O.B.: Yes, we have and now we’re even.

Shannon: What a pig.

G.O.B.: Tell me about it.

Shannon: No, you. You’re the pig. Two strikes, you are out.

G.O.B.: Oh, listen, Shannon, please, it was a one-time thing. I’m not going to even hear from her again.

phone rings

G.O.B.: Oh! Who is Edna W.? Hello? Ooh!

George Michael: Hey, what’s going on here, Dad?

Michael: Well, it-it-it was me, okay? I-I’ve been seeing Miss Baerly, and I should never have brought G.O.B. into it, but that day you told me that you liked her, I didn’t know what else to do. I never wanted to hurt you.

George Michael: Well, didn’t Aunt Lindsay tell you that I liked her?

Michael: Yeah, she did, but she said that you wanted her as a mother and I said that that was ridiculous, but then I met her and I kind of fell for her and thought that she would kind of make a great mother.

Beth Baerly: Is that true? I didn’t know you were that serious.

Michael: Well, you know, I’m open to it. We’re open to it.

Beth Baerly: Wow. No, no, no, no.

Michael: I’m just saying someday, you know?

Beth Baerly: I’m not really into kids.

Michael: Well, I’m just, I’m not trying to rush anything.

Jeremy: Hey, the lady said no, man.

Beth Baerly: Look, Michael, I hope you find what you’re looking for. I mean, we had some laughs about some very sad things, but I don’t think we have a future. And Jeremy, I will take that cupcake.

Jeremy: Oh, okay, um... Hey, uh, you want to dance?

Beth Baerly: Sure. Why not?

George Michael: I can’t believe that would have worked.

Act 5Edit

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Buster’s competition heats up.

Buster: Whoa, whoa, whoa! We are not allowed to have candles in here. Mom would freak.

Lucille: Oh, no, it’s fine. This is America, baby. You pray how you want.

Buster: Fine. I’ll light a candle of my own. That’s exactly what I’ll do.

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