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4x9 Smashed

Transcript of "Smashed"
Written by: Dean Lorey & Richard Rosenstock


Season Four, Episode Nine

Starring:
Jason Bateman as Michael Bluth
Portia de Rossi as Lindsay Bluth Fünke
Will Arnett as G.O.B.
Michael Cera as George Michael Bluth
Alia Shawkat as Maeby Fünke
Tony Hale as Buster Bluth
David Cross as Tobias Fünke
Jeffrey Tambor as George Bluth
Jessica Walter as Lucille Bluth
Ron Howard as Narrator

Guest Starring:
Tommy Tune as Argyle Austero
Lonny Ross as Jonah Feinberg
Ron Howard as Himself
John Beard as Himself
Andy Richter as Emmett Richter
Terry Crews as Herbert Love
Isla Fisher as Rebel Alley
Chris Diamantopoulos as Marky Bark
John Slattery as Dr. Norman
Maria Bamford as Debrie Bardeaux
Louisa Velis as Luisa Velez
Liza Minnelli as Lucille Austero
Jay Johnston as Officer Taylor
Scott Vance as Fantastic Four henchman
Daniel Amerman as Mark Cherry
Andrew Secunda as Process server
Josh Lawson as Astronaut Lovel
Marla Garlin as Marla
Bill Johnson, Ann Lopez, Deb Hiett, Kari Lee Cartwright, and John Bonny as Dancers
Carrie Kemper as Mrs. Astronaut Lovel
Alan Blumenfeld as Floyd the Barber


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Transcript

The following is the transcript of the Season Four episode "Smashed". Memorable quotes are highlighted below.

"Smashed" was written by Dean Lorey & Richard Rosenstock.

Act 1Edit

Narrator: The Austerity Clinic was a well-known rehab facility that on this particular day was about to get a new therapist.

Tobias marched in by police.

Tobias: Hello, everyone. I am Doctor Tobias Fünke, and I will be your therapist. (police clear throats) Yes, I'm getting to that. And I am also a registered sex offender. Now, let's have a wrap-about. I am here because (ripping sound as he straddles chair) Lucille Austero has given me the opportunity to pay my debt to society. I'm doing this pro bono, but that doesn't mean...

Narrator: Although, technically, it was society that owed him, as he was the victim of a merry mix-up.

Cut to: model home

Tobias: Is there a little girl here all by herself? Daddy needs to get his rocks-

Narrator: We don't have to hear this again. But he was arrested despite his innocence...

Tobias: Oh!

John Beard: Hey, guess what? There's a raccoon out on the patio.

Tobias: Ha - (BLEEP)! Oh, hey, officers, are you here for the raccoon? Oh! No, I'm not a raccoon! I'm...

Narrator/John Beard: ...because instead of asking for a lawyer...

John Beard: This creep chose to ask about a more pressing matter.

Tobias: Is this going to be SAG or AFTRA?

Cut to: jail cell

Narrator: And for the first time, Tobias started to get recognized for his television work.

Prisoners move in on Tobias.

Tobias: Oh, no, no, that's not representative of who I am.

Guard: Anus tart.

Tobias: Yep, that's me.

Narrator: Fortunately, Tobias, who had once turned down an offer from Lucille 2...

Lucille 2: How would you like to come work for me, at Austerity?

Tobias: Mmm- No.

Narrator: ...had, after a particularly vicious beating with a soup ladle, changed his tune.

Tobias: Mmmmmmmmm...

Narrator: But didn't want to look too eager.

Tobias: Yes!

Cut to: Austerity clinic

Tobias: I'm also an analyst and a therapist, which makes me...

Narrator: Prison had taught Tobias at least one thing.

Tobias: A theralyst. Now, let's have a wrap-about, and what we'll do is just take a comfy pose, I want everybody just to sit back and relax where they are, and let's learn about each other, and let's find out about each... (spots Mark Cherry) Oh, my goodness. Wow. Well, it seems as if we are amongst royalty here. Haha. I'm sorry, how old are you?

Mark Cherry: 23.

Tobias: Ah. Well within my rights. Yes, why don't you, uh, take the comfortable chair? And, um, and we're gonna start with you, and please, first names only.

Mark Cherry: Hi, I'm... Mark.

Tobias: Mark Cherry, we all know that, but please, first names only.

Mark Cherry: Mark is my first name. Cherry's my last name.

Tobias: Oh, and Simon says you're out. (Mark gets up to leave) No. No, Mark Cherry, I was, I was having fun. I, I have a bit of a wit. Sometimes I have to tell people 'cause they can't figure it out from when I say the things that I... But please, Mr. Cherry, first names only.

Mark Cherry: So, I got involved with drugs, and there were bees and drinking, and, and... I just decided it was time to get away. In fact...

All: (singing) Go away, Getaway, get away, Getaway...

Tobias: All right, all right, all right. We're not doing a musical here.

Mark Cherry: Thank you.

Tobias: (singing) "Hopelessly hopeless!" Hmm. And speaking of hopeless, I think we all recognize this gentleman. (sings the theme from The Tonight Show)

Emmett: I'm not Andy (BLEEP) Richter. I'm Emmett.

Narrator: Although he was Andy's identical quintuplet brother. Unfortunately, he wouldn't allow us to show his face on camera.

Tobias: Emmett who?

Emmett: Richter.

Tobias: Simon says you're out! (Emmett leaves) No, I was being witty. Wh-what's wrong with you?

Emmett: (taking vase of flowers on his way out) I hoard.

Tobias: Now that's what we call a breakthrough. First sign of a breakthrough.

Narrator: And that's when a patient entered who was also looking for a new start.

DeBrie: Sorry I'm late, everybody.

Tobias: DeBrie!

Narrator: And found one.

DeBrie: Tobias!

Tobias: I, I didn't know if I'd ever see you again. You're, you look great, very healthy.

DeBrie: Yeah. I haven't had anything for six weeks. Mark... C., uh, checked me in.

Narrator: After a devastating night of hard partying in Malibu.

Mark Cherry: She reminds me of my grandma, like a real sick version.

DeBrie: So sweet. So how are you?

Tobias: Good, gosh, great, yes. Uh, after you left, I booked a guest-y on a hidden camera show. (cop clears throat) Could you give me one second to organically get... And I'm also a registered sex offender. How are you?

DeBrie: Ah... oh!

Argyle: So, you two know each other?

Tobias: Yes, we do. We, we were a... couple of sorts. Uh... Or, are, are a couple? Or, I...?

Argyle: Do you have time for a chat?

Tobias: Uh... yes.

Narrator: And that's when Argyle Austero, the director of the clinic, could no longer hold his tongue.

Argyle: If you and DeBrie had a previous relationship, there is no way you can be her therapist.

Tobias: But I love her. Surely there must be some way we can be together.

Argyle: I'm sorry, I can't allow it. Sobriety is too important. I am only sober because musical theater saved my life.

Tobias: Is that right?

Argyle: Mmm.

Tobias: I, I'm somewhat of an actor myself. I just had something on the air three weeks ago. It was an "as myself," but whatever fills out the reel, yes?

Cut to: Tobias's reel

Music: Hot Cops, we'll clean up the town, we'll turn that old frown upside-down.

Caption: ON CAMERA

Tobias: I ain't no squealer.

Caption: Frightened Inmate #2 (released from final cast due to creative differences)

Scandalmakers Narrator: Kitty escaped to the country.

Caption: SCANDALMAKERS: "George Sr."

Music: Hot Cops, we're aiming to please, you know we'll get down on our knees...

Tobias: Mr. Weathers.

Scandalmakers Actor: Carl Weathers.

Tobias: Carl Weathers

Caption: SCANDALMAKERS: "Frightened FBI agent #2"

Still of Tobias in "A Jew Came to Dinner."

Caption: "this Jew is...pitiful..." - His Word Magazine

Caption: AND AS IT IS SUCH SO ALSO AS SUCH IS IT UNTO YOU: "A Jew"

Music: We're taking on the bad boys with our loving guns, we'll pump you full of molten lead, bang, bang, you're dead...

Caption: Auditions!

Caption: HOUSE pilot, Director: T. Fünke

Tobias: I got here as soon as I could! I'm Dr. House, and it's called GVH. The graft is rejecting the host!

Music: Hot Cops, just give us a squeeze. Hot Cops!

Caption: As Himself!

Caption: GVH Fundraiser

Caption: To Entrap a Local Predator

Caption: Traini

Carl Weathers firing a machine gun.

Caption: Carl Weathers

Tobias: You know, we could put on a musical. This place is littered with talent. I could direct, we could get Mark Cherry to do the music, and we can cast it with patients.

Narrator: It was a desperate attempt to get to be with the woman he loved, but Argyle had a professional responsibility.

Tobias: I don't know if I'd want to risk a patient's sobriety with that kind of pressure.

Narrator: But like a dog's wagging tail, Argyle's tapping feet betrayed his true feelings.

Tobias: Well... Well. When it comes to DeBrie, you don't have to worry about her being under pressure because she's a professional actress.

Narrator: Which also made its way onto Tobias's reel for some reason.

Music: Hot Cops, just give us a squeeze. Hot Cops!

Caption: Celebrities I know

Clip of Fantastic Four.

Caption: DeBrie Bardeaux

Tobias: She was in the movie the Fantastic Four.

Argyle: Oh, my God. I was in The Fantasticks. (gestures to poster)

Tobias: Wha- Look at that!

Argyle: My sister and I played the young lovers (singing) I can see it, shining somewhere...

Tobias: (singing along) Shining somehow- where...

Argyle: (singing) And I'm ready, I can see it...

Tobias: (singing) Ready! I can see the world...

Narrator: It was uncanny how much the two men had in common.

Argyle: (singing) ...shine...

Tobias: (singing) ...shining...

Argyle: They used to call me Mister Fantastick.

Music: Mr. F

Tobias: Wait a minute. DeBrie played Sue Storm, you played Mr. Fantastic. I have a suit made of rocks - if I can get it back from the state of California. We shall mount a musical of the Fantastic Four.

Argyle: I don't like it. ...I love it!

Tobias: Huzzah!

Argyle: (singing) I can hear it...

Tobias: (singing) I can hear you sing while- Yes.

Act 2Edit

Narrator: Tobias had found a way to spend time with the woman he loved.

Tobias: Please, DeBrie, you've got to do this.

Narrator: Now he just had to talk her into it.

Tobias: I mean, this could be good for you. And it could be a huge hit, and it's really the only way they're gonna keep us together. They won't let me be your therapist, but they'll let me be your director. I want the world to... be able to see this... angel face.

Tobias cups her chin, and her tooth falls out.

DeBrie: Ah. (laughs)

Tobias: Oh. Oh, dear. Well, that's a good luck sign on Broadway. On the East Coast, it's "break a leg" on the West Coast it's "lose a tooth". Some epoxy...

Narrator: And so, excited that he'd found a way to both be with DeBrie and help her recovery, Tobias went to Sudden Valley.

Tobias enters the model home.

Tobias: Beard? Beard, I'm only hear to pick up my car keys.

G.O.B.: Tobias?

Tobias: G.O.B.?

G.O.B.: Ah! Good to see you, old friend. What have you been up to?

Tobias: Oh, uh, things are good, nothing much. I'm a registered sex offender, but things are good.

G.O.B.: Yes, yes.

Tobias: And I'm working at Lucille 2's rehab center - the one she owns, not the one she famously went to 12 times.

G.O.B.: Can we finish this up over breakfast? I'm starving.

Tobias: Oh, is it finishing? Okay.

Narrator: And the two friends caught up.

Tobias: But, if I wouldn't have gotten arrested, I wouldn't have ended up working at the rehab, and I wouldn't have reconnected with my love. True, I can't ethically ravage her body, I have to leave that to time, but she's just so much fun to be with.

G.O.B.: I too am in a relationship, but this person is sort of a celebrity.

Tobias: Well, turns out my femme fatale is a bit of a celebrity herself.

G.O.B.: Well, looks like life is going pretty well for both of us. Except that I'm broke.

Tobias: And I'm a sex offender.

G.O.B.: Michael expects me to sell these split-level death traps. And how am I supposed to do that? I mean, there are no schools or libraries or Internet or playgrounds within 20 miles of here.

Tobias: You know, it's funny, I've been looking for a place to live, and that fills virtually every parole requirement I have.

G.O.B.: That's great. When can you move in?

Tobias: Uh, duh. Now.

Narrator: And with his living arrangements taken care of, Tobias returned to his court-appointed work-release.

Tobias: People! (counting heads) One, two, three, four five...

Narrator: And so began an intense workshop to create the Fantastic Four musical...

Tobias: Ladies and gentlemen. It's workshop, this is not a playground, okay?

Narrator: ...written and directed by Tobias.

Tobias: Now, the script is in process, but the goal is that we all get a little outing on the Cinco de Cuatro, where we'll be performing it on a boat. I hope no one gets seasick. Okay. And Mark Cherry is going to be doing the music for us.

Mark Cherry: And this will make my stay shorter, right? I'll get out of here a week sooner?

Argyle: Well, sobriety is the most important thing, but... we'll see how good the music is.

Narrator: Tobias inspired the troops.

Tobias: Right, let's get up! Let's do a tension flounce. Let's do a tension flounce. Loosen it up. Loosen it up. Very good, very good.

Narrator: And after some initial trepidation, Argyle set to work with the choreography.

Argyle: Back, step. Out, back, step, back, step. Out. Now, try that. Out, back, step, shuffle...

Narrator: And even though DeBrie had some trouble with the choreography at first...

Argyle: Shuffle step, shuffle step, shuffle, ball change, shuffle, step.

DeBrie falls.

DeBrie: Oh, God.

Tobias: DeBrie! Are you all right?

DeBrie: Yes. Yeah.

Tobias: Baby steps, Argyle. She's brittle.

Argyle: Tobias, it does not get babier than this.

DeBrie: Maybe I can't do this.

Tobias: You can do it.

Rachel: Tobias, I can do it, I used to be a hoofer.

Tobias: Yeah, well, now you're a huffer, and that's... not that. Rachel can't sing. Okay. Okay, Rachel, thank you so much for offering. (to DeBrie) You can do it.

Narrator: While dancing wasn't her strength, Tobias had no doubt she'd wow them with her show-stopping solo.

DeBrie: (singing, and shuffling steadily behind Tobias) I don't want to be invisible, I don't want to be invisible, I don't want to be invisible anymore...

Tobias: Okay, good. Get out there. Haha. Well, all right. Okay.

DeBrie sinks to the ground and curls up in a ball.

Tobias: Oh, I like this, too, I... oh, where's Argyle? She's choreographing. Let's all do it, too. And we'll just follow her lead. When she comes up, we come up as a group! ...So, DeBrie, when you come up, we shall rise with you.

DeBrie shrieks and runs.

Tobias: Go with her. Go! Follow her. Follow her. Go. Am I crazy, or is this really good?

Cut to: Mark Cherry playing the keyboard

Music: I'm gonna stomp all over your face. Even if my heart won't snap back into place.

DeBrie: (singing shakily) I'm gonna stomp all over your face, even though my s- heart won't snap back into place. Fantastic Four. (clutches her head) Uh. Uh, I can't do it...

Tobias: It's good, it's great. No, you're great. The problem is with you. (turns to Mark) See, you keep writing this infantile, ridiculous melody over and over and over again. And I... I say that as your director. As your therapist, I'm, I'm happy that you're expressing yourself. But as a director, I don't have to like it. And I don't. But, also, good for you. Therapist now speaking. But also, no.

Narrator: And as the music evolved, so did DeBrie's confidence.

DeBrie: Tobias, I just do this now. Just... (nods)

All: (singing) It's not over. It's not. Doing the job. It's not. Ooh, baby...

DeBrie: One, one move.

Tobias: Let's work with that. Let's use that.

DeBrie: Or no move.

Tobias: Good. The, the power.

Argyle: And she's disappearing as we dance.

All: (singing) Ooh, baby.

Argyle: And big finish right to her!

DeBrie: Tobias? It's bleeding again.

Tobias plugs her nose for her.

Narrator: And with the evidence tag off the rock monster suit...

Emmett: Fantastic one!

All: (singing) Fantastic one!

Narrator: ...the project was coming halfway to life...

Argyle: Fantastic two!

All: (singing) Fantastic two!

Tobias: Fantastic three!

All: (singing) Fantastic three! Fantastic four...

Tobias: Am I crazy, or is this good?

Argyle: It's really good.

Narrator: And then Tobias asked the question that nobody was thinking.

Tobias: How much would it cost to do this right? I mean, really right.

Argyle: To do a Broadway-level production of the 8 minutes we have right now.

Tobias: Ballpark.

Argyle: $700,000.

Tobias: (whistles) Hey! I can whistle. Ooh, we have to use that in the show. Now, what if, say, I could raise between $50 and $100? How much of the remainder could you generate?

Argyle: Well, if my sister could call in some debts, probably all of it.

Tobias: Oh.

Argyle: But that means we'd have to use the Cinco show as a preview, and she would want to know that we have the rights.

Tobias: Of course, of course.

DeBrie: Wait a minute. We don't have the rights?

Tobias: Well, not yet - not yet, but I was going to ask you about that. Who produced the one you were in?

DeBrie: Uh... I think it's Imagine Generic. Ron Howard's company.

Narrator: Imagine Generic was a division set up to extend the rights to films that studios weren't prepared to make yet.

Caption: Apollo 13 (1988)

Mrs. Astronaut Lovel: Maybe it's a way of punishing us for loving each other so much. I just hope the three of us make it back.

Astronaut Lovel: Three of us? (she puts her hand to her belly) Houston? We're having a baby.

Caption: THE END

DeBrie: I don't want to get arrested again because we don't have the rights.

Tobias: Okay, no, don't, all right. No, no! All right. Settle down. Settle down. This has happened to every Broadway show in the history of Broadway shows, and I swear I shall acquire the rights.

Narrator: So Tobias went to do so, as Argyle set a dinner date with his sister at the Balboa Club on the same night that Michael's date, Rebel, was finding her father's character under attack.

Michael: ...Imagine Entertainment.

Herbert Love: Oh! Is that Ron Howard's company? I hate that guy.

Rebel Alley: I just want to say that, uh, Ron is not like that at all. He's actually a very nice guy.

Narrator: Of course, Michael thought that Ron was Rebel's boyfriend.

Rebel Alley: In fact, he's almost too generous.

Michael: Sounds like the Ron Howard Man of the Year Awards, though, you know?

Narrator: And the evening broke up of its own accord.

Herbert Love: ...the beautiful American ocean.

Rebel Alley: My son is sick, so...

Michael: Oh, no.

Rebel Alley: I have to go.

Michael: Oh. Rebel. Rebel, let me come. I'm great with kids.

Rebel Alley: I-it's not about the kid. I, I'm not comfortable here.

Michael: Okay. Are you off to see him?

Rebel Alley: Listen, if you've got a problem with me seeing other people, why don't you just come out and say it?

Michael: No, no, no, I can. What do you mean? I can handle that. We'll see each other a la carte, you know? Like the $18 baked potato you ordered that you didn't touch.

Rebel Alley: Yeah. You're not comfortable.

Michael: Yeah, no, well, listen. Rebel, Rebel... Fine. See you later. Say hi to Ron Howard for me.

Narrator: And perhaps because neither Michael nor Lindsay could handle rejection, they blamed each other.

Michael: Well. Hope you're happy. My girlfriend left, 'cause she can't stand your right-wing, American scallop-eating boyfriend.

Lindsay: Well, he left because your chirpy little actress couldn't keep her mouth shut.

Michael: That's it. Know what? You're out of the movie.

Lindsay: Fine.

Michael: Good night.

Lindsay: Good night.

Narrator: And with his evening freed up, Michael reached out to a son he'd earlier blown off.

Michael: I've got to make a phone call. See you later. Good night. (into phone) George Michael, hey. Got out of it. I, just, I made a ton of people angry, but you know what I always say, "Family..."

George Michael: Well, uh, gosh, you know I really wanted to, uh, do that, but I just had this... work thing come up, and, uh, it's like, it's like you always say, "Family first, unless there's a work thing, and then... work first."

Michael: I have said that too. I've got politics and producing stuff I can... Good luck. Careful on the... All right.

Narrator: After being kicked out of his son's dorm and stood up at the Ealing Club, this particular rejection really hurt.

Michael: Another time.

Narrator: But he tried to put on a brave face when he ran into a woman he was in debt to.

Lucille 2: Ooh!

Michael: Hi!

Lucille 2: It's Michael Bluth.

Michael: Who is this?

Lucille 2: Oh, this is my baby brother, Argyle. And here's the family joke. I'm a tall drink of water, and he's the chaser. (they both laugh)

Michael: It should be flipped, right?

Argyle: No, because here's another joke. You owe my sister $700,000 and I'm gonna chase you down until you pay up.

Michael: Yeah, I-

Argyle: And if you don't pay up by the fourth, you're gonna be washing up with the rest of the broken piñatas on the fifth.

Woman: Lucille!

Lucille 2: Oh, hello.

Michael: Who's... (Argyle steps on his foot) Ow! Ow! God, what is on the bottom of those shoes?

Argyle: Taps! And I can tap dance all over your face, if you know what I mean. Even if my heart won't snap back into place.

Michael: I don't know what you meant with the last part there.

Argyle: I'll chase you down and find you, Michael. You can't hide in a gorilla suit from me.

He tap dances away.

Music: Mr. F

Narrator: Argyle was wrong on that count. It was Buster who wore the gorilla suit.

Cut to: clinic

Argyle: He's a producer, and he says he'll pay up. Any progress on the rights?

Tobias: I'm in talks with Imagine.

Narrator: Well, kinda.

Cut to: Imagine building

Louisa: Ron Howard's office.

Tobias: Yes, this is Tobias Fünke. I'm a registered sex offender, and I'd like to talk to Ron...

She hangs up.

Argyle: Well, then you're gonna have to work with our new patient, and good luck with her. We call her the B-word from the C-ward. Or is it the C-word from the B-ward?

Narrator: And that's when Tobias got some more bad news.

Lucille: Hello, anus tart.

Narrator: And she never even saw the license plate.

Act 3Edit

Model home

Narrator: Tobias had no way of being around DeBrie without the rights to Fantastic Four. And that's when he ran into an equally worried Michael.

Michael: You okay?

Tobias: Michael. What a pleasant surprise. Please. Make yourself at home.

Michael: I am. I'm home. This is my... I own all the homes here, actually. And Gob's supposed to be selling these, so... Where is he, do you know?

Tobias: Oh, out and about. Me doth think he hath a lady. As doth I dooth.

Michael: Oh.

Tobias: And they're both bit of a celebrities.

Michael: Well, that is odd, because I, I'm also dating a celebrity.

Tobias: Oh. Perchance a double date is in our future, eh, brother-in-law?

Michael: I don't...

Tobias: Tell me about her.

Michael: You know, I don't, I don't think that you're the best one to talk to about my relationship difficulties.

Tobias: Fair enough. It's only what I do for a living, Michael. (emotional) What I'm trained to do.

Michael: Well, let me, let me tell you a little bit about her, um...

Tobias: Okay.

Caption: moments later...

Michael: So it's a simple choice, really. If I keep seeing her, he'll find out and kill the movie. So, I either keep the girl and lose the movie, or, I keep the movie, lose the girl. But the whole reason that I did the movie was to get the girl. It's...

Tobias: Michael, I appreciate your bravery. And I know everything seems doomed now, and believe me, I'm in a similar situation myself, but trust me. We are (BLEEP). We're (BLEEP).

Michael: (BLEEP)

Tobias: I mean, unless some sort of miracle coincidence happens. But no, the best thing to do is just walk away, and we'll lick each other's wounds. I guess I'm just going to have to give up my dream and my love forever.

Michael: I think I should just go tell Ron Howard that it is over.

Tobias: Yes. R- Ron Howard? Ron Howard's making this movie?

Michael: Yeah.

Tobias: Michael, you can't just walk away from this. You have to go talk to him.

Michael: You just told me the exact opposite.

Tobias: Reverse psychology. It didn't work. How's this? What I'm going to do for you, Michael, is, I am going to go there with you, for moral support, and I will act as your assistant, and maybe I'll do my famous gay character. I don't think you've seen that character.

Michael: I think I have.

Tobias: Mmm... I don't think so.

Cut to: Imagine building

Narrator: The next day, Michael sat down for a one-on-one meeting with Ron Howard at Imagine.

Michael: Hey, hey there, Ron. Hi. Thank you for seeing me.

Ron Howard: Oh, well, that's fine, but, I should warn you, this is what I call a haircut meeting, so, we probably don't have much time.

Michael: Okay.

Barber: It would be so much better if we could just lose the baseball cap.

Ron Howard: We go through this every time. This is a hat-on haircut, so you just cut what they can see. You got it, Floyd? I call all my barbers Floyd.

Michael: I'm gonna make this quick.

Tobias clears throat.

Tobias: Are you not going to introduce me?

Michael: Thought you were gonna wait in the lobby.

Tobias: Tobias Fünke. I am a producer, as well.

Michael: Hey.

Tobias: But I'm also an actor. That's probably what confused you. Um, I've done several inmate roles, as well as a couple of And As It Is Such, So Also As Such Is It Unto Yous. But, I'll get to you after.

Ron Howard: Well, that's, uh, terrific. Do you notice that he's already on my neck hair?

Michael: Yes. Last time I was in here we talked about I wouldn't come back until I had all the release signatures. I wanted to give you an update on that.

Ron Howard: Terrific. You can just leave 'em on Louisa's desk.

Michael: But, but that's, uh, that's the update. I don't have them.

Barber: Done.

Ron Howard: Okay, well, thanks for coming.

Michael: Well, um...

Tobias: Don't you have something else you wanted to say?

Michael: Yeah.

Tobias: If not, I'll do mine.

Michael: No, no, no. What? I don't... Ron, I care about someone deeply, and I think that you may also care about this person.

Ron Howard: Hey, that's terrific.

Michael: It's Rebel. Rebel Alley. And she thinks that you're always going to be in her life.

Ron Howard: I'm... glad to know she thinks that.

Michael: Yeah.

Tobias: Tell him how you feel about her.

Michael: Yeah, I, you know, I'm crazy about her, and, I, I just, I'm not going to be able to do anything about that until you let her go.

Ron Howard: She's my little num-num.

Michael: Sure.

Ron Howard: You understand what I'm saying.

Michael: Of course.

Ron Howard: I, I've changed her, I've bathed her.

Tobias: (whispers) Now you want to bathe her.

Michael: Yeah, yeah, it's my, it's my time to bathe her.

Tobias: (whispers) She should be your num-num.

Michael: She should be my num-num, and you've got to just let her go, I think, once and for all.

Ron Howard: You know, a father doesn't really like to hear that when it comes to his daughter.

Tobias: I haven't had a chance to talk to her father.

Michael: Yeah, I have not yet had a chance to talk to her father, but...

Tobias: No, no. I was saying that. Because you are talking to her father.

Ron Howard: Did you not know that I'm... Rebel's dad?

Michael: I knew that part. But I, I also... I, I thought that, that, that you might also be her...

Tobias: Her lover?

Michael: No.

Tobias: Well, this is hardly an episode of Happy Days. I get it. I was arrested as a sex offender, but at least I knew it was my daughter I was arrested for coming on to.

Ron laughs nervously.

Tobias: Now, about my project, it's a family piece.

Michael: Does this mean our project is dead?

Ron Howard: Listen, I never let personal matters interfere with business. However, you should know she's dating someone else, and, I'll do everything in my power to make sure she never dates you again.

Michael: Incredibly fair of you.

Tobias: Well, that was a merry mix-up, eh? Now, about my project. It's based on something that you produced in '92. The Fantastic Four.

Ron Howard: Well, that was a favor that I did for Fox.

Tobias: Well, it turns out that one of the leads, DeBrie, played Sue Storm. In fact, she is the leading lady in my production of Fantastic Four: The Musical. Which, with a wave of your little pink hand, you could make happen, and then I'd owe you one.

Ron Howard: Well, uh... thanks, but, uh, I couldn't do that.

Tobias: It, it would just be so incredibly meaningful and, and, and change so many lives.

Ron Howard: I can't do it. But... I also don't want to. (they both chuckle)

Tobias: Mmm. (goes for the throat) You are ruining my life, Ron Howard! You're ruining-

Michael: Oh, no-no-no-no-

Ron Howard: Louisa!

Cut to: elevator

Tobias: I'm gonna start wearing a hat when I get my hair cut too.

Michael: What is wrong with you? You knew that Ron Howard was Rebel Alley's father?

Tobias: Yes, everyone does. I didn't realize that's who you thought the other man was. But the good news is, at least one of our projects is still going, which... By the way, I haven't signed this yet. Should I?

Michael: Yes. Absolutely. Thank you.

Tobias: Okay. My movie rights... Tobias Onyango Fünke.

Michael: Initial down here.

Tobias: This is exciting!

Michael: Thank you. (rips up contract) You're out of the movie.

Narrator: Tobias was defeated.

Cut to: clinic

Argyle: And the most important thing, you must never be distracted.

Narrator: Without the play, he'd lose DeBrie from his life, but he'd made his bed and had no choice but to lie in it.

Argyle: He's back!

Tobias: I got the rights. We're gonna make a musical.

Narrator: Or just lie.

Tobias: Yay!

DeBrie: Yay!

They hug.

Tobias: Yay!

DeBrie: Yay!

Both: Yay... (nervous laughter)

Act 4Edit

DeBrie: (singing) I don't want to be... invisible!

All: (singing) Invisible!

Narrator: And so the group went into their final rehearsal process, and although DeBrie still had butterflies, and worms...

DeBrie: (singing) Invisible!

All: (singing) Invisible!

DeBrie: (singing) Invisible!

All: (singing) Invisible! Invisible - Fantastic Four.

Narrator: ...the play did have a new backer, who had a few notes.

Tobias: Yes. (applauds)

Lucille: Is anyone going to tell her she needs to lose weight? Because I'm not buying invisible. And you don't want to be out there on a raft that's listing.

Argyle: (singing) I can reach you...

DeBrie: (singing) No one can reach me...

Argyle: (singing) I can reach you...

Narrator: Yes, Lucille had found someone to mother.

DeBrie: No one can reach me.

Lucille: "No one can reach me"? Is that how she's going to say that line? "No one can reach me"?

DeBrie: I...

Narrator: But all the pressure was compelling DeBrie to think about a slip.

All: (singing) Even if my heart won't snap back into place - Fantastic Four.

Lucille: Maybe they should re-title this Fantastic Three and Lousy One.

DeBrie: That's my bad... (falls off stage)

Tobias: Oh, DeBrie!

DeBrie: Or ankle or... knee. I think I, I need some drugs.

Tobias: No, it's okay, that's okay, no drugs are necessary. We all want drugs, but that's a no-no, yes?

Cut to: Cinco de Cuatro

Narrator: And soon it was the night of their big show, and Tobias and his ragtag troupe of substance abusers showed up for their big moment on stage.

Lucille: In case you didn't know, the stage adds seven pounds. Two words. Diet pills.

DeBrie: (whispering) Do you have any?

Tobias: Lucille, please. Okay, Fan Four, company meeting? Now, I know everybody has made a commitment to stay in the program for at least 30 more days, but I think we can all afford one night of intense pressure, yes?

Argyle: We're all hoofers, we can take the pressure, huh?

Tobias: Argyle! Not helping, okay. Does anybody have any questions?

Emmett: Yeah, I got a question. You're sure the Hispanic community is okay with all of this?

Tobias: Hmm. I'm sure they think of this as an homage, yes. Okay, we'll, I'm going to go put on my rock monster outfit and pass out some fliers. You can take any boat to the float.

DeBrie: Tobias! I don't think I can do this.

Tobias: You can do anything I want you to do. And, and you... want to do as well. We need this. This will make all our old dreams come true.

DeBrie: But maybe they're old for a reason.

Tobias: Oh, you're... focusing on the wrong... words. If we can get through tonight, DeBrie, we can get through anything. All right? Don't worry about it. The audience will be completely drunk, and if we're not perfect... they'll take it out on us, but... that's why you're going to be perfect! You have to be perfect. Okay. All right.

Narrator: But Tobias was about to discover a situation that was less than perfect.

Kid #1: Fantastic Four!

Kid #2: Fantastic Four!

Tobias: What? Oh, no.

Kid #3: Fantastic Four!

Tobias: Who would bring kids here? This is no place for- (to passing kids) I'm a registered sex offender. All right. I'm a registered- I'm a registered sex offender. I'm a registered sex offender. Tobias Fünke, registered sex offender, registered sex offender, registered sex offender, registered sex offender, registered sex offender.

Narrator: Tobias knew that wearing the Thing outfit would only make him more recognizable.

Kid #4: Fantastic Four!

Narrator: DeBrie was also at a loss.

DeBrie: Okay, okay.

Narrator: Feeling frightened and fragile, she tried to keep it together in a very slippery place.

DeBrie: Water.

Narrator: And she probably would have made it, if the calming waves she was looking at weren't down-current from where Doctor Norman was flushing away the remains of his medical career. And so DeBrie, who had been in the safe harbor of a drug-free zone, found herself in the free-drug zone of an unsafe harbor. And that's when fate dealt Tobias a new hand.

Tobias: Buster! Oh, thank God. I need your help. I've got a show to do in 10 minutes, and I haven't got a thing to wear. This Thing suit...

Narrator: And that's how Buster was drafted to be in Tobias's musical.

Tobias: It's all pre-recorded, and the dance is simplicity itself. You're a monster! You don't have to be any good.

Buster: What?

Narrator: It wasn't a great choice of words.

Tobias: Butch it up and "Thing" your heart out.

Narrator: Having recast the Thing, Tobias returned to check on his leading lady.

Tobias: DeBrie! DeBrie?

Man sweeping points at pile of debris.

Tobias: Ha. No, I'm looking for a woman named DeBrie. (sees her in the pile) DeBrie!

DeBrie: Fantastic Four!

Tobias: Have you been drinking?

DeBrie: No... it's pills.

Tobias: Oh... how could you do this to me? Or did I do this to you?

DeBrie: You to me.

Tobias: I should have left you happy and healthy and sober in that rehab, instead of trying to rekindle the career that brought you there in the first place.

Lucille 2: Is she drunk?

Tobias: Uh, no...

DeBrie: It's pills!

Tobias: Ehh...

Lucille 2: Can I talk to you for a second?

Tobias: Yes, uh, yes, yes.

Lucille 2: That is unacceptable. Patients doing pills on a literal pile of garbage? That's not what we're about at Austerity. Where's Argyle? It's his addicts-

Tobias: I, I, I can't let you blame Argyle for this. It would destroy his confidence, and... he's a little shaky on the lyrics as it is. (whispering) He's not very good.

Lucille 2: Fine, then I blame you. Someone has to pay for this. You're putting Austerity in jeopardy. You're out!

Tobias: No, don't fire me, I, I'm on a work-release program. If you fire me then I have to go back to prison. I can't go to prison. And you're investing in this show. What if we get killer notices?

Lucille 2: We'll talk about it on Monday. Now, get rid of her before someone sees her with a camera phone. You know they have those nowadays.

Tobias: So I've got until Monday to fix this. (laughs menacingly) That red-haired lady can't throw her wad at that guy... Oh, DeBrie.

Narrator: But on the other side of the dumpster, things hadn't been so laughable.

Jonah Feinberg: Hi, honey. Are you in the play?

DeBrie: Yeah.

Jonah Feinberg: What is the play, honey?

DeBrie: Fantastic Three and Lousy One, so... Four!

Jonah Feinberg: Four?

DeBrie: Yeah.

Jonah Feinberg: And who do you play?

DeBrie: Sue Storm.

Jonah Feinberg: Okay, Sue Storm and the Fantastic Four are both trademarked by the Marvel Entertainment LLC. This is a cease and desist letter. If you violate it, you will go to prison for a long, long time. And you certainly can't wear a four in a logo.

Narrator: In fact, it wasn't even Marvel that owned the four in a circle. It was trademarked by the Four Feinbergs.

Jonah Feinberg: Hey, can anyone just throw one of those little Mexican guitars off the dock?

DeBrie: I don't want to go to prison!

Jonah Feinberg: I'm going to do it.

Tobias: Well, Lucille 2 has threatened me with prison, but it's going to take more than one prison threat... Oh. You got one too. Well, universe, you see to be putting up all sorts of walls between me and my dreams. ...Today. Well, if we have any chance of beating this, it's by putting on the best show possible. A real wowzer! I just need to find a Sue Storm. (takes DeBrie's wig) I guess I'll need this... Before I go any further with this, there's no way a hot cup of coffee and a glass of the show must go on spirit will encourage you in any way, will it?

DeBrie: Let me die. (slumps)

Tobias: No. You're not in any shape to go out and perform tonight.

Narrator: Tobias knew he couldn't leave DeBrie in the trash in a high-trafficked area, but also knew he had a show to put on. And so he went off to search for any Sue Storm in the port. And when the search proved unsuccessful, he ended up finding one inside himself.

Cut to: toilets

Tobias: Time to channel my inner Storm.

Narrator: And because he didn't have the costume, he created one out of some make-up he'd always had in case he got a call.

Tobias covers himself in Blue Man make-up.

Narrator: And perhaps it was his muscle memory that led to this.

Tobias looks at his blue-daubed face in the mirror.

Tobias: Tobias, what are you doing? (turning as man enters) Oh, pardon the mess. I just blue myself for the first time in five years.

Cut to: outside

Tobias: (high-pitched) Excuse me. Make way for Sue Storm.

Narrator: And now the almost-invisible Invisible Girl got on the boat to head to the floating stage. Unfortunately, and not for the first time, Tobias got on the wrong boat. Except this one was piloted by a man who not only expected a woman in disguise... but also had a real bad case of face-blindness.

Cut to: Lindsay on stage

Crowd: Put! Up! This! Wall! Put! Up! This! Wall! Put! Up! This! Wall!

Narrator: And as it turned out, the woman he was expecting had just given a rousing speech and joined the Love campaign as they took the message that Marky had vowed to torpedo to the sea.

Crowd: Put! Up! This! Wall! Put! Up! This! Wall! Put! Up! This! Wall! Put! Up! This! Wall!

Tobias: I think this is going to make quite a splash.

Marky Bark: Oh, I know it is.

Act 5Edit

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development.

Fantastic Four float.

Music: I can reach you... Reach me! I can reach you... Reach me! Fantastic Four!

Narrator: After weeks of rehearsal, it becomes clear that the unauthorized Fantastic Four musical does not look like it's going to Broadway.

Music: Don't want to be... invisible! Invisible! Invisible! Invisible! It's not who we were, it's not who we were...

Narrator: But since they worked so hard, we're going to run credits over it.

Music: I'm going to stomp all over your face, even if my heart won't snap back into place! Invisible, invisible. Invisible, invisible, invisible... invisible! Fantastic Two! Fantastic Two! Fantastic Three! Fantastic Three! Fantastic Four...

Emmett falls into the water.

Music: It's not who we were, it's not who we were... It's just who we are, it's just who we are...

Emmett: The only thing that can destroy me. Water!

Music: Fantastic Four!

Argyle: Nice ad-lib!

Emmett: Not an ad-lib - I can't swim!

Music: In your face!

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