|Season Two, Episode Seventeen|
Narrator: Michael Bluth had set up a meeting with Cal Cullen, owner of one of the largest parcels of land in Orange County.
Michael: Well, I hope that I can prove to you that we have a very impressive company.
Cal Cullen: Well, your family did not come off well on last night’s "Scandalmakers".
Narrator: "Scandalmakers" was a show that reenacted headline-grabbing stories. The latest was about the Bluth family, the rights of which had been signed away by Tobias, in exchange for the part of George, Sr.
Scandalmakers Narrator: When allegations surfaced that he’d illegally built homes in Iraq, George Bluth Sr., assisted by his secretary, Kitty, escaped the country...
Narrator: Due to poor acting, the burden of the story was placed on the narrator.
Scandalmakers Narrator: ...only to be found hiding under one of the homes that he himself built.
Narrator: He was actually found in a hole near the house, but this inattention to detail was typical of the laziness the show’s narrator was known for.
Tobias: (As George, Sr.) I cannot survive under the house. Perhaps an attic shall I seek.
Narrator: Real shoddy narrating. Just pure crap.
Michael: But we’re back on track, and we are scandal free.
Lucille: Hey! You start the meeting without me?
Michael: Mother, uh, this is Cal Cullen. You remember my mother, Lucille. We’re right in the middle of talking about this exciting giveaway spa package to entice buyers.
Lucille: You know, he’s never taken me anywhere. Oh, no, we have to live “high and dry.”
Cal Cullen: Well, you’re certainly not dry. Michael, I’m not a prude, but it’s 1 in the afternoon. Is your mother drunk?
Lucille: I’d have to get up pretty early to get drunk by 1 o’clock.
Narrator: As it turns out, she had gotten up early and had taken pain medication because of a hangover-related headache. However, she mistook the “drowsy eye” alcohol warning for a “winking-eye” alcohol suggestion. Fortunately, she had the good sense not to drive herself to the meeting.
Lucille: No. I’ll call for a car.
Narrator: Unfortunately, this was after a failed attempt to do so.
Lucille: (Sighs.) Who the hell put...?
Cal Cullen: Michael, I’m sorry. I cannot do business with you. I mean, I couldn’t afford to end up on Scandalmakers.
Lucille: Oh, you could afford to do anything you want.
Lucille: You’re just a big chicken. Uh-coodle-doodle-doo... uh-coodle-doodle-doo, uh-coodle-doodle-doo... uh-coo...
Narrator: Michael realized that it might be time to deal with his mother’s apparent problem.
Michael: Okay, that seems as good a place as any to end the meeting.
Michael: And we’ll just say, “Mom, we all feel this way.”
Lindsay: No, I am not doing another intervention with her. Last time I felt terrible for a week.
Narrator: One year earlier the family had tried an intervention.
Michael: Are you pouring a drink? What are you doing?
G.O.B.: What if she’s mad?
Lindsay: Good point.
Tobias: Perhaps I’ll have a little sip of something.
Michael: Guys, what could she do to us? Do we have anything single malt?
thirty minutes later..
Narrator: And although the intervention didn’t work...
Michael: We think you have a prollen.
G.O.B.: You’re a mesh...
Narrator: ... it turned into one of the Bluth family’s better parties.
Michael: Well, maybe an intervention is the wrong approach. What about rehab? She was just a mess at the meeting. Where were you, by the way? Yeah, I could’ve used your help with Mom.
G.O.B.: I believe I told you I was gonna be out for the holidays. It’s spring break. Not that I can enjoy it. My reputation has been ruined by that jerk Phillip Litt who put my one magic show flub on his DVD.
Narrator: G.O.B. had performed a magic act at an earlier spring break to get exposure on the best-selling video series “Girls With Low Self-Esteem.”
G.O.B.: ...or two flubs, or whatever.
Narrator: There were seven flubs, and after the show, he signed a release.
G.O.B.: Now, you’re not going to use the time that I screwed up, right?
Phillip Litt: That wasn’t part of the act? Oh, come on, man. I’d never do anything to embarrass you. Please...
G.O.B.: Oh... Uh, you don’t know a good bird hospital, do you?
Phillip Litt: You’re getting all this, right?
Tobias: Well, at least the Orange County Register didn’t say of your performance, “if this is who George, Sr. is, let’s hope he remains missing.” Meanwhile, they loved Dave Attell’s “risky choice” of wearing cutoffs while portraying me.
Narrator: In fact, Mr. Attell was portraying Tobias’ actual “never-nude” affliction. But this perplexed the Scandalmakers audience, due to the unfocused nature of the narrator’s explanation.
G.O.B.: No, I think mine’s worse. You should have seen what happened to me on the boardwalk today. They were laughing at me. Me!
Lindsay: (Laughs.) Those tapes are awful. Women tricked into taking their tops off. I have a daughter I don’t want corrupted by the media.
Narrator: Unbeknownst to Lindsay, Maeby was a fairly prominent member of the media as she had secretly conned her way into a job as a film executive.
Mort Meyers: This Young Man on the Beach script sucks. She goes with a guy just because he says she’s awesome? You call that dialogue?
Maeby: Hey, I didn’t write it.
Mort Meyers: No, but you’re gonna fix it. It’s a spring break movie. Get down there and find out what they sound like.
Maeby: Oh, yeah, right. Do you really think I look college-aged?
Mort Meyers: I’m not drunk. But I’m willing to be. Hint.
Maeby: Oh, Mort. You’re going to be so easy to blackmail. Hint.
Lindsay: This pig Phillip Litt is out there asking girls to take their tops off. It’s an outrage.
G.O.B.: Well, of course you feel that way. You’re jealous. You’re a surfboard. But, I do agree, he is a pig... Hey, what the hell was that for?
Michael: Can we stop worrying about Girls with Low Self-Esteem, and start focusing on sobering up the woman who gave us ours? No, seriously what do you think about rehab?
Tobias: Well, she won’t go willingly, I can tell you that.
G.O.B.: May I make a suggestion? Get implants. Really.
G.O.B.: What...?! Come on, this stuff is expensive.
Narrator: And so Michael set out to convince his mother that she needed help.
Michael: Hello? Hello? I have a surprise for you.
Lucille: Did I win the prize?
Michael: You won the prize!
Lucille: I won the prize! I won the prize!
Lucille: For what?
Michael: We were going to give one employee a week at the spa. We were even going to put them in the ad. But then I thought, “What about Mom? She’s elegant, she deserves it.” I was going to tell you at the office, but then I thought “No... if I bring her around now, she might vomit on the overhead projector. Let’s just wait until she’s crawling around on her own.”
Lucille: I’m so embarrassed about that. I don’t think I was supposed to drink with my medication.
Narrator: Actually, it wasn’t even her medication.
Lucille: Of course, I can’t take Oscar to an elegant place. His only remaining pair of pants blew apart the other day.
Michael: I was thinking that I would go with you for the week.
Buster: So, what, I just stay here alone? I’m not exactly equipped to run this place by myself. You can’t just leave me here alone!
Mechanical humming of Robot.
Buster: Have a great trip.
Narrator: But it wouldn’t turn out to be a great trip at all.
Clerk: Hello, welcome to Shady Pines Rehab.
Michael: Hello. Checking in.
Lucille: Rehab?! This isn’t a spa?
Michael: No, Mom!
Lucille: This isn’t a spa!
Voices: Get her! Get her!
Voices: We got a runner. Let’s go. Get some men out.
Narrator: As Michael’s mother was being held against her will, George, Sr. was about to be confronted with a similar problem.
George: Kitty? How did you find me?
Kitty: I thought you were dead, until I saw Scandalmakers. They got so much wrong, but something about your son-in-law’s comment, “perhaps an attic shall I seek,” had the ring of truth to it.
Narrator: Notice it wasn’t something the narrator said.
Kitty: You abandoned me in Mexico.
George: Kitty, honey, I-I know you’re mad.
Kitty: Stop talking, George! You stop talking! I am in charge now. You’re coming with me.
George: No, I can’t. I can’t. I have... I have a life here. There are people who-who depend on me.
Kitty: Fine. But I can’t make any promises about what happens to that cooler of evidence I have.
George: If I could... just have a moment to say good-bye...
Narrator: Meanwhile, at the banana stand, Maeby was hoping to find some witty banter with which to authenticate her feature film.
College Kid #1: I want the hot chick to serve me.
Maeby: What other words would you use to describe me?
George Michael: Um, she’s 15. And she’s my cousin.
College Kid #1: So?
George Michael: So, you can’t touch your cousin— my cousin. You can’t... You know, you don’t have to stick around. I could just work late tonight. It doesn’t matter, ’cause, you know, my girlfriend Ann, she’s out of town. Which is actually kind of lucky in the end, ’cause all these guys would be coming on to her.
Maeby: Yeah, you really dodged a bullet there.
Narrator: Nearby, Phillip Litt was making his latest video.
Phillip Litt: Okay, everybody, gather around, gather around. Ladies, here’s the deal. We have hats. You have breasts. You show your breasts, you get a hat, okay? So, if anybody wants to get back at daddy... now’s the time. Whoo! Wait. Cut, cut, cut. We’ve got a surfboard in the shot.
Crew Member: Surfboard, stop tape.
Lindsay: We’re here to stop you from taking advantage of these girls.
Phillip Litt: You know what? You’re sassy, you’re sexy. You speak your mind. There’s nothing hotter. Give her a hat, Barry.
Lindsay: I don’t want a hat. I want you to leave these women alone.
Phillip Litt: I’m giving them a chance to be idolized, which is an opportunity these women are never gonna have again.
Eileen: I want to be idolized!
Phillip Litt: Yeah, you do!
Lindsay: Eileen! Stop it! You’ve got nothing to gain from that!
Eileen: That’s easy for you to say. You already have a hat.
Phillip Litt: Come on, girls!
Lindsay: This is no way to get your daddies to notice you!
Narrator: Nearby, Lindsay’s own father failed to notice her, as he was being taken to a local motel where he refused Kitty’s sexual advances.
Kitty: You promised me power and a child, and I have neither. I’m going to take care of this problem on my own.
George: You never promise crazy a baby...
Narrator: George, Sr. was abandoned, and longed for Lucille. And Buster felt the same way.
Narrator: Restless, Buster went to the kitchen to find something to help him sleep, when he came across Lucille’s emergency stash of wine, which he mistook for a giant juice box.
Buster: (Singing.) / Mama’s moving on / Mama’s all alone... /
Narrator: It was the first taste of alcohol Buster had since he was nursing.
Narrator: And Michael, his mother no longer a threat, met again with Cal Cullen.
Michael: Thank you so much for your understanding, sir, and as I mentioned on the phone, she did seek help.
Michael: And it was extremely moving when she finally admitted that she has a problem. They’ll take good care of you here at Shady Pines, Mom.
Lucille: I’ll take good care of you, you son of a...!
Cal Cullen: Shady Pines is a wonderful facility. Up there on the hill. You know, they used to film Sugarfoot up there.
Cal Cullen: Were you a fan of Sugarfoot?
Michael: I loved it.
Narrator: Sugarfoot had been off the air 12 years before Michael was born.
Cal Cullen: Well, sing the theme song of Sugarfoot along with me. (Singing.) / Sugarfoot /
Michael: Uh... Yeah, / Sugarfoot /
Cal Cullen: / Sugarfoot /
Cal Cullen: / Easy lopin’ / Cattle ropin’ Sugarfoot /
Cal Cullen: / Carefree as the tumbleweeds... /
Cal Cullen: Oh, what the hell? You’re a good kid. Let’s make the deal.
Michael: Oh, great. I’ve got paperwork...
Kitty: Michael! Remember me? Perhaps this will jog your memory.
Cal Cullen: Oh, they’re crooked.
Kitty: I’ve kidnapped your father, Michael, and I have a cooler full of evidence that will bring down this corrupt company. Unless your mother meets me today at 4 at Señor Tadpole’s. Spring break. Whoo!
Narrator: Michael’s dad had just been kidnapped...
Cell phone rings.
Narrator: ... and then he received a call that his brother had been found drunk.
Buster: No, I’m fine. I’m telling you. For the first time, I realize that maybe I’m better off without her.
Michael: Yeah, well, we’ve got to bring her back.
Buster: Oh, thank God.
Michael: So if we want to get that evidence back, and Dad, Kitty is insisting on a meeting with Mom.
Lindsay: What can Mom do for her?
Michael: I don’t know. I just... I gotta get my hands on that evidence. The problem is, I just checked her in to rehab. They’re not exactly going to let me check her out and take her to a bar.
Michael: So, G.O.B., I need you to help me sneak her past the guards.
G.O.B.: Well, gee, I didn’t think the woman I’d be checking out at spring break would be Mom.
Buster: She’s better looking than the whores you date.
G.O.B.: Don’t call my escorts “whores.”
Buster: Mom’s still got it!
G.O.B.: I don’t date whores!
Lindsay: Stop it, stop it. This objectification of women has to stop.
Michael: It’s just Mom and whores.
Lindsay: No, how would you like it? Actually, that’s not a bad idea. I should turn the tables on men and see how they like being objectified. Men with low self-esteem. Get their clothes off.
Tobias: That is a great... (Grunts.) That is a great social statement. I shall get the video camera. This is ripe for parody. This is ripe.
Buster: He just wants to see boys’ Linuses.
Buster: Oh, go...
Michael: Here we go.
Narrator: And so Michael went back to see his mom.
Michael: I-I know that you’re upset with me because I brought you here under false pretenses, but I really was worried about you.
Lucille: Oh, please. I’ve been drinking since before you were born. So if alcohol’s the reason I’m here, I got news for you, bub, it’s the only reason you’re here, too.
Michael: Hey, you’re mean sober, too.
Michael: Uh, listen, I need your help. Kitty has shown up, and she got ahold of Dad.
Lucille: She found him in the attic? They had a rerun of Scandalmakers last night. Everybody figured it out.
Michael: She would like to meet you at a bar. She says she’s got some evidence that could bring the business down if you don’t go.
Lucille: You’re sending me into a bar? Are you sure you can trust me to make decisions for myself?
Michael: I just need you to find out what she wants, okay, while I check all the local motels for Dad.
Lucille: All right but here’s what I want. A spa weekend with you—a real one. I want to spend spring break with you.
Michael: You have high self-esteem, right?
Lucille: Not after being in here. It’s a nightmare.
G.O.B.: Michael. Mom. We’ve got to go now. I created a diversion.
G.O.B.: I’d like to check my uncle in for rehab.
Oscar: I thought we were buying pants.
G.O.B.: Of course you think that— you’re high as a kite. He needs help. He needs help. He needs help.
Narrator: And so Lucille was able to meet with Kitty at Señor Tadpole’s.
twenty minutes later...
Kitty: I want what’s due to me—- a Bluth son. And I know you have the material.
Narrator: Kitty was right.
ten years earlier...
Narrator: Ten years earlier, George, Sr. was taking an experimental hair growth drug. Fearing damage to his fertility, he froze a specimen of his reproductive material in case he ever wanted another child.
six weeks later...
Narrator: Soon, news came out that the drug, although somewhat successful, wreaked havoc on the central nervous system.
Lucille: So what do you need me for? He’s not taking the monkey drug anymore. And you’re the one who’s got him, not me.
Kitty: Oh, you know why. He won’t touch me. He said he doesn’t cheat on his wife anymore.
Lucille: He said that?
Voices: (Yelling.) Drinking contest!
Lucille: Tell you what. I’ll drink you for it.
Kitty: I heard you don’t handle your booze so well anymore.
Lucille: So this should be easy for you. That one didn’t count.
Narrator: And Michael met up with G.O.B. to try and find their father.
G.O.B.: I got it. From the banana stand freezer. The exact same kind of cooler that’s in the photo with Dad.
Michael: What do we need another cooler for?
G.O.B.: Oh, poor Michael. You do not think like a magician. Such a “How dey do dat.”
G.O.B.: It’s a classic bait and switch. This is a decoy cooler. We take it in, switch it with the one from the photo and get out of there. Kitty comes back, everything’s normal. It’s like we were never there.
Michael: But Dad’s gone.
G.O.B.: Long gone. But it buys us all the time in the world. I got it back, Mikey, the self-confidence. I am a magician.
Michael: No, I’m saying, when Kitty comes back and notices that Dad’s gone, the first thing she’s going to do is check the cooler to see if the evidence is there. It buys us, like, one second.
G.O.B.: I’m a worthless magician.
Michael: Not true.
G.O.B.: No, I can’t even do one simple trick.
Michael: Now come on, now, please.
G.O.B.: I’m covered with sweat.
Michael: Don’t say that about yourself. Look at me. It’s a great trick. Would’ve been flawless if you had a decoy Dad, too.
G.O.B.: Damn it, and I used a guy who looked just like him in my last bait and switch.
Oscar: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
G.O.B.: Well, I’m no longer needed here.
Michael: No, no, no. I think the cooler’s actually going to help us. The extra second that it buys us could be the difference.
G.O.B.: Great. Just give me a couple minutes to catch my breath.
Narrator: Lucille, minutes out of rehab, was engaging in a drinking contest at the behest of her son.
Lucille: Just let me know when you’re ready, dear.
Voices: (Yelling.) She’s mixing!
Narrator: While right outside the bar...
Maeby: I know what the shape of a banana reminds you of, and I know that when I say “nuts” it makes you giggle...
College Kid #4: (Giggles.)
Maeby: ... but do you have any other response to “Here’s a banana with nuts?”
College Kid #4: (Whoops loudly.)
Maeby: Why are we even going after this idiot demographic?
George Michael: Maeby, don’t you get it? They’re not even eating these. They just like saying “bananas” and “nuts,” and I won’t... I won’t tell you why. That’s your father’s job.
Tobias: Come on. Let’s see some bananas and nuts. Oh, perhaps we should just pull their pants off.
Phillip Litt: Hey. What the hell do you think you’re doing? This is where we shoot.
Lindsay: Yeah, well, you’ve got competition now, ’cause we’re making our own video.
Phillip Litt: Will you just get over it. It’s nudity. Just because you’re ashamed of your body, doesn’t mean everyone should be.
Tobias: Oh, really? Well, let’s see how you feel about what you’re packing.
Lindsay: (Gasps.) You’re a bleeping never-nude?
Lindsay: You’re asking girls to take their tops off and you can’t even be naked? I’ve got to get this.
Tobias: Lindsay, I’ve already got it. I’m back in the cut-offs. Lindsay...
Phillip Litt: I didn’t see you at the convention.
Tobias: No, I was in Germany. I teleconferenced in.
Phillip Litt: Oh. Did you got to the seminar on chafing?
Tobias: Dr. Schoenweiss, yes.
Michael: This is never going to work. There’s too many people, too many rooms.
G.O.B.: Michael, we can’t give up. This is important. Believe me, I’d rather be down at the beach, having drinks, howling at chicks. (Howls.)
George: Oh, my boys. Yes, you came. You came for me.
Michael: Yeah, hi, Dad. G.O.B.’s going to get you out of those handcuffs. Can you do it, pal?
G.O.B.: One handcuff key coming up.
G.O.B.: (Gags.) (Burps.) (Retches.)
George: What the hell are you doing?
G.O.B.: I swallowed a key just in case I ended up doing a show.
George: Come on. This is disgusting.
G.O.B.: I’m doing this for you.
Narrator: This continued for some time, while Michael switched out the coolers.
George: I don’t understand. Why you’re switching out the coolers?
Michael: It buys us time, Dad.
George: What, like a second?
Michael: Don’t worry about it, okay? I will tell you this— when I get this evidence out of here, I’m turning it right into the court.
George: Are you kidding? I don’t care if the evidence gets out there. It gets me off the hook.
Michael: What are you saying, this exonerates you?
George: I told you before I was a patsy. I was set up. I am tired of looking guilty.
Michael: Well, that’s... that’s great.
G.O.B.: Now who’s a horrible magician?
George: That is a crown, you horse’s ass.
Maeby: And how does that make you feel?
College Kid #2: Awesome.
Narrator: And George Michael caught up with Maeby, determined to save her self-esteem.
George Michael: Look, I don’t want to ruin your fun, you know? But I hate to see guys treat you like this. You’re better than that. To me, anyway. You’re-you’re...
George Michael: No, I was going to say you’re like this flower. And I know it’s springtime, but I hate to see you get plucked by someone who doesn’t even care that you’re blossoming.
Maeby: That’s what I’ve been waiting to hear.
Narrator: Maeby was referring to the dialogue, but George Michael had just rediscovered his feelings for his cousin.
George Michael: (On phone.) Hi, Ann. It’s George Michael Bluth. Um, when you get back into town, we should talk.
Waiter #5: Can I get you anything else, ma’am?
Lucille: No, thanks, I have to get back to rehab.
Voices: (Yells.) She’s in rehab!
Narrator: And so George, Sr. was free and Michael and G.O.B. absconded with the evidence.
Michael: Just one heck of a trick you ended up pulling in there, G.O.B.
G.O.B.: Truthfully, that wasn’t part of the act. I was actually trying to get the key to come out of my mouth.
Michael: That part was very surprising, but I’m talking about how you helped me get Dad out of there at all. Thanks to you, this family could end up being okay.
Narrator: And G.O.B. had finally overcome his own low self-esteem.
College Kid #3: Hey. Aren’t you that magician who always embarrasses himself?
G.O.B.: Not anymore. Not anymore.
Narrator: But he lost it along with the exonerating evidence.
Michael: Here let me get it.
G.O.B.: They’re laughing, Michael. They’re laughing.
Narrator: And that’s how you narrate a story.
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Lucille gets some disturbing information...
Lucille: Did you get the evidence?
Michael: Yes. And then G.O.B. ruined it. After all the trouble that we went through to switch out the cooler with the one from the banana stand.
Lucille: The one in the freezer? I was storing very important things there.
Narrator: ... and Kitty finds what she’s been looking for.
Lucille: There was 250cc’s of your father in that banana stand!
Michael: (Strained.) No touching.