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|Season One, Episode Nine|
"Storming the Castle" was written by Brad Copeland.
Narrator: Before going to work, Michael decided to have a little fun.
George Michael: What are you doing?
Michael: I’m doing a little cost projection analysis for a mini mall.
George Michael: Wow, that’s pretty cool you know how to do all that stuff.
Michael: Yeah, maybe your old man’s just a little bit cooler than you thought he was, huh? (Grunts.) Ah, stupid, stupid chair. Very stupid chair. But it’s also this stupid model home furniture. Maybe I ought to get myself one of those nice leather chairs from work.
George Michael: People can take chairs home from work?
Michael: Well, not everybody, but I’m the president of the Bluth Company since Dad’s in jail and it’s okay if I take a little something from work, you know?
George Michael: Yeah, but isn’t that why Grandpa’s in jail, because he took things from work?
Michael: You’re a good kid, you know that?
George Michael: I mean, a chair costs money so it’s like stealing and you always say...
Michael: Not stealing. Not. Okay, I’m the one that taught you that stealing is bad, all right? I’m just saying, you know, if I got a leather chair, okay, and I get to lean back... Oh, this one’s gonna hurt.
Lindsay: Leather chair? So, you’re against stealing but skinning cows is cool with you?
Michael: I’m fine, by the way. Frankly, your concern is getting embarrassing. Since when are you against leather?
Maeby: Yeah, you’re not even a vegetarian.
Lindsay: I’m not against the insides. People need meat to survive.
Michael: You are aware that they don’t remove it from the cow surgically, right?
Marta: Hi, Michael.
Michael: Marta. Hi. Hey. It’s Marta. Hey, Marta, everybody. Great to see you.
Marta: I was just looking for G.O.B.
Michael: Well, you’re his girlfriend.
Narrator: Michael wished Marta was his girlfriend, a secret he had only shared with Lindsay.
Marta: Actually, we had a big fight. He thought I was belittling his career, but I never would do that.
Michael: Neither would I. What career?
Marta: The magic?
Michael: Oh, the tricks, the little tricks. Those are great.
Marta: Well, he didn’t like my reaction to his new one.
G.O.B.: Real needle, real apple. Real neck.
Amable: He’s a zombie!
Marta: They’re children! How could you do that?
G.O.B.: Oh, sure, first you dump all over it, now you want to know how it’s done.
- End flashback
Marta: And I wanted to apologize.
Michael: Well, he hasn’t been here.
Marta: But he said he was staying here. Oh, my God. Maybe he’s staying with another woman.
Michael: No, no, no. No, no, no. No, he is staying here. I just haven’t seen him here... the foyer, or the kitchen.
Marta: Well, that’s a relief.
Marta: Well, tell him to call me when he gets in.
Michael: I sure will, Marta.
Marta: If you remember.
Michael: I will remember. Yeah. I’ll give him the message though. Okay.
Lindsay: She’s gone.
Michael: Yep. Got it.
Lindsay: You are too nice.
Michael: Oh, come on, what was I supposed to do, tell her that G.O.B. is not staying here? Tell her that G.O.B. is screwing around on her, God knows where he is? Actually, that-that sounded okay.
Lindsay: Nah, you’ll never be able to do it. You’re too good. You’re the-the noble one. The one who never wins.
Michael: I don’t know about that.
Lindsay: The loser.
Lindsay: The fool.
Maeby: She is such a hypocrite. Doesn’t it drive you nuts?
George Michael: Crazy. Wait, who is? Which...?
Maeby: My mom. She pretends to care about all these causes.
Narrator: Lindsay had always been celebrated for her wine and cheese charity fund-raisers.
- End cutaway
Maeby: I mean, now she’s anti-leather? Let’s see how she feels when her daughter’s pro-leather. You want to go shopping with me? Bet you can get something cool.
Narrator: In fact, George Michael had been trying to prove to Maeby that he was macho after an embarrassing brush with her.
Maeby: Your legs look exactly like mine, and I just shaved mine.
George Michael: So, I’m thinking of getting a motorcycle.
- End flashback
George Michael: Yeah, I’m gonna need a leather jacket for when I’m on my hog and need to go into a controlled slide.
Tobias: There’s my little girl. I’ve got great news. Daddy has the entire day off.
Maeby: But you have every day off— you don’t have a job.
Tobias: Well, I don’t need money to hang out with my daughter. Where are you going?
Maeby: We’re going shopping.
Tobias: Oh, no, no, I can’t do that.
Narrator: The next day, Michael was stopped on his way to work.
Rollo: Get in.
Rollo: If you care about your brother, you’ll get in this car.
Michael: Which brother?
Rollo: G.O.B. Let me be clear. Tell him Rollo wants him to say good-bye to his legs.
Narrator: Michael went looking for G.O.B.
Lucille: I’m so glad you’re here. I want you to help me break up your brother and his girlfriend.
Michael: Well, I’m all for that, we just got to find him first.
Lucille: He’s locked on the balcony.
Michael: Oh, you meant Buster. I thought you were talking about G.O.B.
Lucille: No, I will not have Buster dating my best friend.
Narrator: Tension had been high between the two Lucilles since Buster had announced he’d been dating her. Although neither had addressed this, both had given indications of their true feelings.
Buster: Mom, you’re ruining our fort!
- End flashback
Lucille: I mean, she’s been a family friend for years. It’s just... creepy.
Michael: Hey, buddy.
Michael: Mom, I think you might be overreacting.
Lucille: She changed him as a baby.
Michael: Okay, that’s about the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard.
Buster: That’s why she didn’t look surprised.
Lucille: You’re the only child who chose a spouse I liked, and she’s the one who had to die.
Michael: I know. That’s rough for you.
Michael: Mom, I’m looking for G.O.B. There’s some people after him and I don’t know whether it’s gambling or what, but, um, they want to break his legs.
Lucille: It’s good thing he’s already got that little scooter. (Laughing.) Oh, don’t give me that look. I happen to be a more caring mother than most.
Buster: Where’s my bed?
Lucille: I put it in storage. I guess you’ll just have to decide which Lucille you want to spend your nights with.
Michael: Okay, before I leave this place for the last time ever, has anyone seen G.O.B.?
Buster: I saw him last night at the Playtime Pizza Theater, on my date. Of which I have another one tonight, and I’m going to continue dating, Mom.
Michael: Sound a little bit like, “dating Mom.”
Buster: It’s starting to feel a little like it.
Narrator: Lucille decided she needed the help of Buster’s father. Unfortunately, after a recent escape attempt, George Sr. had been put in solitary confinement.
Narrator: Michael went to find his brother at his latest gig.
G.O.B.: What’s up, Mike?
Michael: Yeah, what are you doing here?
G.O.B.: Can’t get any work, Mike. Magicians’ Alliance has blackballed me from every venue in town.
G.O.B.: Even my own so-called girlfriend doesn’t believe in me.
Michael: Well, I don’t want to get into that part of your life anymore. Okay, listen, I just came here to tell you that this guy named Rollo pulled me over and made some threats.
G.O.B.: What kind of threats?
Michael: He said to say good-bye to your legs.
Michael: I don’t know whether this guy’s a mobster, a loan shark, something equally scary.
Michael: I think you’re confusing “scary” with “silly.” This guy was frightening. He was in a limo.
G.O.B.: He replaced me in the Alliance. He’s the reason I’ve got to do my act in this hellhole.
Michael: Then why does he want to break your legs?
G.O.B.: He doesn’t want to break my legs. He wants to take my legs.
Michael: I-I don’t...
G.O.B.: The legs. You know, the bottom half of my “Saw the Lady in Half” trick. No, not now! I’m showing him how to do the trick! Two chicks curl up in a box. We call one the head, one the legs.
Kid #1: So that’s how they do it.
G.O.B.: Oh, God, I’ve got to stop giving these things away.
Michael: The top half, though, what do you do about that?
G.O.B.: I just get a volunteer from the crowd.
Michael: Oh, yeah?
G.O.B.: The old top half quit when she found out I was sleeping with the legs. Word really gets around in there.
Michael: So, Rollo wants your legs, but you’re cheating on Marta with those legs. Is that about right?
G.O.B.: Would you give me a break, please. The legs are insanely jealous.
Michael: Is that why you haven’t seen Marta for the past few days? This is all about your love life again, isn’t it? I can’t believe. Just forget it. I came here to try to help you...
G.O.B.: Hey, I appreciate your time.
Michael: Great. Great. You know what, G.O.B., Marta is a once-in-a-lifetime woman. She’s a treasure, and I don’t think you’re showing her enough respect, okay?
G.O.B.: Hey, she doesn’t respect my career.
Lindsay: He’s having sex with a woman in his act?
Michael: I’ve got to tell Marta what’s going on.
Lindsay: First of all, she’ll hate you for it. It’s called “shoot the messenger.” Secondly, it’s not in your nature. I mean, you’re like, Mr. Morals. You can’t even take a desk chair.
Michael: Damn it. You know, I’m a saint, you know. I’m a living saint and I get absolutely nothing out of it.
Lindsay: Well, you get a false feeling of superiority.
Michael: Yeah, no, that is nice, but this time, it’s not enough. Why do I always have to be the one that has to set the good example for everyone?
George Michael: Guys?
Michael: Oh, that’s why.
Maeby: Hey, Mom.
Lindsay: Hey, honey.
Lindsay: Mm, moo, honey.
Tobias: You have to be some sort of she hulk to get this.
George Michael: You’ve just got to really dig.
Tobias: Well, it’s not... enjoy...
Tobias: Oh, Maeby, great news. I got my hands on some money. I can’t say how or when... or where my wedding ring is, but my purse overfloweth, as do my high spirits, so a shopping we must go.
Maeby: Dad, we already went. That’s why we’re wearing all this leather. I’m really into leather. Tell Mom.
George Michael: If you ever need to borrow any money...
Tobias: No. Thank you, no.
Narrator: So, Tobias chose to pursue a common interest with his daughter.
Lance: May I help you?
Tobias: Oh, I hope so. Um, I’m looking for something that says, “Dad likes leather.”
Lance: Something that says, “leather daddy”?
Tobias: Oh, is there such a thing?
Narrator: Later that day, Michael got a surprise visit.
Michael: What are you doing...?
Marta: I was looking for G.O.B. He said he was working here today.
Michael: Oh, yes? Please. He said that, huh? Said that he’s working, huh? Wow. Here? What else did he say? Did he tell you that I gave him your message? Not that I’m the messenger, you know. I don’t mean...
Marta: He told me. I don’t know what you said to him, but it really turned him around. He said I was a treasure.
Michael: She’s a treasure.
Marta: And a once-in-a-lifetime woman.
Michael: Mm-hmm. Listen, Marta, G.O.B. is... a poet. He’s touched. I’m going to tell him that you stopped by and, uh, you have a nice day.
Marta: Thank you. You’re such a good brother. Always trying to help him.
Marta: He showed me the watch you gave him.
Michael: The watch...?
G.O.B.: I appreciate your time.
- End flashback
Narrator: And so for the first time, Michael set a plan in motion to take something that didn’t belong to him.
Michael: You know, I was thinking, I’d like to help you guys out one more time. You know what you should do? You should surprise G.O.B. on stage. I know that he’s looking for a new assistant.
Marta: Could you help me with that?
Marta: You really are a good guy, Michael.
Michael: Well, you can’t change who you are.
Narrator: So Michael went to the popular magic parlor, The Gothic Castle, to ask a favor of Rollo.
Michael: I was wondering if, uh... if you would give my brother a show. One more chance to get back in with The Alliance. That’s all I ask. And-and you will get your legs back.
Michael: You’re asking me to reveal my trick.
Narrator: And Michael went to give his brother the good news.
G.O.B.: Really? Tomorrow night?
Michael: Yeah. You just got to make sure you do the sawing-in-half trick.
G.O.B.: I don’t even have a top half.
Michael: Don’t worry about that. I got someone I want you to use. She’s perfect. A great girl. You’re actually doing me a favor.
G.O.B.: Has she got big cans?
Michael: I’ll see you there, G.O.B.
G.O.B.: You’re a good brother, Michael.
Lindsay: You’re a horrible brother, Michael.
Michael: Pretty good, huh?
Lindsay: You’re going to put Marta on stage with the legs.
Michael: It’s going to blow up. Legs get upset, Marta gets upset, Marta leaves G.O.B., and I don’t get shot.
Lindsay: You’ll never be able to pull the trigger on this. You can’t escape it, Michael. You’re the good guy.
Michael: Call me what you want...
Lindsay: An impotent man-boy.
Michael: But it is done. The plan is in motion.
Lindsay: This just isn’t you.
Michael: It’s me now. It’s the me that can recline.
Lindsay: Did that hurt?
Maeby: Stuff’s kind of hot, isn’t it?
George Michael: I didn’t notice.
Tobias: Hey, gang. Mind if I squeeze in here for a moment? Oh. Look at us. Who’d want to mess with any of us, huh?
George Michael: Excuse me.
Tobias: Yes. Oop.
Maeby: Did you get a job or something?
Tobias: No. No, I didn’t. Unless you consider, world’s coolest daddy a job.
Tobias: If I... (coughing, grunts.)
George Michael: Hey, Dad.
Michael: Hey, buddy. You’re still wearing that jacket, huh?
George Michael: Yeah. I was just going for a new look.
George Michael: Trying to introduce some edge to the whole palette.
Michael: Hmm. Kind of liked you the way you were.
George Michael: You did?
Michael: Yeah. I mean, we can’t really change who we are anyway, right?
George Michael: I wish you’d told me that before I threw away my windbreaker. Oh, you bought a chair.
Michael: Uh, no. Actually, uh, I borrowed it, like we talked about.
George Michael: Well, I thought we decided that was like stealing.
Michael: Is that where we landed on that?
Narrator: As Michael was becoming more selfish, his father was choosing a more pious path. Which made Buster and Lucille’s visit go much differently than planned.
Lucille: Why is there a piece of shoe on your head?
George, Sr.: This is a... Well, it’s a reminder that the divine presence is always above me.
Lucille: Well, more importantly, Buster’s been humping the widow Austero.
George, Sr.: Is that true?
Buster: No. We’re taking it slow.
Lucille: He stays there sometimes until 7:00, 8:00 at night. Peanut brittle on his breath. Is she the one who’s going to take him to the dentist?
Buster: She already has.
George, Sr.: (mumbling) Ehh... Liebenofstier...
George, Sr.: May you live. May you be well. I give you my blessing.
Lucille: Are you out of your mind?
George, Sr.: Yeah, just follow the heart that God gave you, hmm?
Guard #2: No touching. No...
George, Sr.: Can you get me some of that peanut brittle?
Narrator: On the night of the show, the family arrived at the Gothic Castle, and in the green room, Michael was preparing Marta for the trick.
Michael: ...at the bottom of the box, and-and and you two guys are free to talk. (To G.O.B.) Okay, G.O.B., G.O.B., G.O.B.
G.O.B.: What is going on? Where is the top half? I have to teach her this trick. She’s got to fold her knees.
Michael: It’s a fantastic trick. I don’t want you to worry, though. I’ve already told her. Now, where are the legs? Are they running late?
G.O.B.: So, is everyone here?
Michael: I think so. I haven’t seen Tobias.
Narrator: In fact, Tobias had intended to come, but had a slight miscommunication with his cab driver...
Cab Driver: (Cockney accent.) Where to, mate?
Tobias: The Gothic Castle.
Cab Driver: Gothic Asshole?
Tobias: That’s what I said.
Narrator: ... and ended up at the wrong location.
Tobias: Well, I am glad I didn’t go with that outfit. Yes, hello. I am looking for the magic. Danke schon.
Lucille 2: Oh, hello, Lucille.
Lucille: Hello, Lucille. Having a good time with my son?
Lucille 2: Actually, we’re having a wonderful time.
Lucille: You know, he’s damaged goods. He was born with a hole in his heart.
Lucille 2: Listen to me, Lucille, I’m going to fill that hole, ’cause we’re in love.
Lucille: Oh, please. You’re no more in love with him than I am.
Buster: Okay, we’re all saying some things we’re going to regret.
Narrator: Meanwhile, G.O.B. was almost ready to begin his show.
G.O.B.: Okay, it’s magic time.
Michael: Hey, good luck out there now.
G.O.B.: Hey, listen, I got you something for being such a good guy. Not that it’s a surprise. You always are.
Michael: Oh, well, uh... My watch.
G.O.B.: I want you to have it.
Michael: Well, you’ve stolen so many things from me over the years. This is the first time you’ve ever given something back.
G.O.B.: I want to try to be a better brother. Like you are to me.
Stage Hand: We’re ready for you.
Michael: G.O.B.? Have a good show out there.
Man: Ladies and gentlemen, a magician named “Gahb.”
George Michael: Dad?
Michael: Hey, George Michael. Where’s the leather jacket?
George Michael: It’s like you said. You can’t change who you are. So what? So I don’t have any hair on my arms or legs. So what? You know, a leather jacket’s not going to change that. You know, I was trying to act like a tough guy, and it’s wrong. I’m just a boring, old nice guy like you.
Michael: I’m not that nice.
George Michael: Yeah, and if this is about the chair, I’ve been thinking. You deserve it. You know, it’s not like you’d ever steal something big.
Narrator: Michael was having second thoughts about his plan, but then got some unexpected help.
Stage Hand: Hey, I’m sorry to interrupt. You better tell “Gahb” the legs aren’t coming.
Michael: Oh, my God.
Marta: I can’t believe the legs would screw him like this. This is his one last chance. They’ll never let him in The Alliance again. You have to do something. This is so important to me and G.O.B.
Michael: Where am I going to get a pair of beautiful women’s legs on such short notice?
Narrator: So, the trick went forward as planned.
G.O.B.: And now, my hopefully lovely assistant will join me.
G.O.B.: Wiggle those sexy gams, lady.
George Michael: I’m okay with myself, I’m okay with myself. I’m okay...
G.O.B.: Mom, did you see it? I’m back in. I’ve got the career back. Oh! Thank you for coming.
Narrator: And when Lucille noticed how happy Marta had made G.O.B., she realized how important love was to her children.
Lucille: Hello, Buster.
Buster: If you’re still mad, I don’t care. I’m in love.
Lucille: I actually came to ask Lucille something.
Lucille 2: What?
Lucille: I was wondering if you’d like to play bridge with me next week.
Lucille 2: Oh. I’d absolutely adore it. Oh, Lucille. Oh, God. Look at us, Buster. We’re back together again. Lucille and Lucille.
Buster: You guys are friends again. Play bridge together. Could you just... just separate?
Narrator: Michael watched as the brother he swore to stop helping enjoyed the girlfriend he helped him reunite with. And so, he returned to work, accepting the fact that he was a good guy. But not as good as everyone thought.
Michael: This really worked better with the chair.
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, the Alliance decides to let G.O.B. back in.
Rollo: Tell me, how did you get two Alliance-approved assistants with such short notice?
G.O.B.: Oh, that was just my girlfriend and my nephew.
Rollo: Well, you’re out.
Narrator: And Tobias gets some good news.
Tobias: I got a gig.
Barbershop quartet: There’s where my heart is turning ever, there’s where the old folks stay...