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Transcript of Switch Hitter

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2x07 Switch Hitter (21)

Transcript of "Switch Hitter"
Written by: Barbie Adler

Season Two, Episode Seven

Jason Bateman as Michael Bluth
Portia de Rossi as Lindsay Bluth Fünke
Will Arnett as G.O.B.
Michael Cera as George Michael Bluth
Alia Shawkat as Maeby Fünke
Tony Hale as Buster Bluth
David Cross as Tobias Fünke
Jeffrey Tambor as George Bluth
Jessica Walter as Lucille Bluth
Ron Howard as Narrator

Guest Starring:
Ed Begley, Jr. as Stan Sitwell
Jeff Garlin as Mort Meyers
Mo Collins as Starla
Mae Whitman as Ann Veal
Jason Aaron Tinero as Young Buster
J.K. Simmons as General Anderson
Jake Hoffman as Jeff
Craig Robinson as Studio Guard #1
Steve Bannos as Drill Sergeant
Danielle Cipolla as Young Maeby


The following is the transcript of the Season Two episode "Switch Hitter".

Act 1Edit

Narrator: Michael Bluth had scheduled a meeting with Stan Sitwell, the Bluth Company’s chief competitor.

G.O.B.: Why are we having this meeting at home?

Michael: Well, let him see he’s not the only one who builds solid houses, you know? I think he’ll be pretty impressed, knock on wood.

Narrator: In fact, Michael was meeting at home at the behest of his fugitive father.

Michael: I think he’ll be pretty impressed, knock on wood.

G.O.B.: Don’t you find the timing of this meeting a little suspicious? Right before we play his company in softball?

Michael: No, no. Our business is in trouble, and I think he sees an opportunity, so, I figured the guy’s a family man. Why not invite him over, and let him see us in our element?

Maeby: Well, I hope you don’t mean the whole family, ’cause George Michael’s off with Ann.

Michael: Ann? Hmm. That’ll play well with Sitwell. Where’s your son? He’s out with Ann. Who’s Ann? Don’t ask me, I’m just the boy’s father.

G.O.B.: Hey, screw Sitwell. Comes in here telling us how to build our houses, how to raise our kids. Now, we know what we’re doing. We don’t need any help from him. Damn it. This thing got pushed in again. Gonna need a butter knife.

Michael: This is what I’m talking about. George Michael’s got these powerful little fingers. He should be here.

Maeby: Hey, how do you think I feel? He was the one who said he would help me on this essay for The Old Man and The Sea.

Michael: I’ll help you with that later.

Maeby: Oh, great. Okay. So, you have to read this and then explain it, and this is important: you have to say it in my own words, okay? Smart, but not too smart. Let’s have a four syllable max.

Michael: Do you want to say something, or should I, Tobias?

Tobias: No. I believe in letting children learn from their mistakes, Michael. They make a mistake once, they shan’t make it twice. Whoa! Don’t worry. It has not fallen into the garage. Knock on wood.

Clanking, clattering.

Michael: You gonna want to help me with that?

Tobias: No, I can’t. I have an audition tomorrow. I’m up for a minor but meaty role in a feature film. Confidence Man Two.

G.O.B.: Oh, yeah? I didn’t see the first Confidence Man.

Tobias: No. Confidence Man Two is my character. I think I’ll drive up today and plot my route to the studio.

Maeby: How about I come with you? I mean, I could help you prepare.

Tobias: Yes, well, it’s for a con man, which I don’t think you know anything about. And besides, don’t you have school?

Maeby: No. Um... today is “Help Your Dad Follow His Dream Day.”

Tobias: Great. We can take the carpool lane.

G.O.B.: I need ice.

Lindsay: I’m glad Sitwell’s coming over. Let him see that we’re doing fine as a family. The only help we need is from each other.

Michael: And apparently, whatever’s in that bottle.

Lindsay: Oh, thanks for reminding me. My Teamocil.

Michael: What a minute. Teamocil? Isn’t that that supplement that you and Tobias were hawking before the FDA shut you down?


Narrator: In the mid ’90s, Tobias formed a folk band to promote a supplement that promised better unity and teamwork.

Tobias: (Singing) Teamocil.

Young Maeby: Teamocil may decrease your sex drive.

Lindsay: (Singing) Teamocil.

Tobias: Good job, buddy.

Lindsay: Thanks, friend.

End cutaway

Lindsay: Since I’ve been taking this again, I’ve been getting along great with my husband.

Michael: You’re taking it for the side effect, aren’t you?

Lucille: Michael?

Michael: Oh, God. Mother, not a good time. I’m having a meeting here.

Lucille: Look at what Buster sent from the Army.

Michael: It’s blacked out.

Oscar: Oh, the government. Keep... Yeah, keep reading.

Michael: “Sergeant Blank is treating me very blank, and it looks like I’ll be shipping off to blank in about a blank. I blank you, Mother. Buster.”

Lucille: I’ve done everything I can. I even tried to convince them he’s gay, but no one would believe that a woman like me would have a gay son.

Michael: Well, you certainly tried. You guys wore matching outfits till he was 12.

Narrator: Even once in a magazine cover that had been mocked within the family for years.

Cutaway: cover of Balboa Bay Window magazine. Lucille and young Buster are on the cover. Headline - “Why I want to marry my mother” by Buster Bluth, age 10.

Oscar: Lucille, I’ll-I’ll say it again. You never know what’s going to happen in the Army. Remember, Lucille?

Lucille: No, I don’t. Get me a vodka rocks.

Michael: Mom, it’s breakfast.

Lucille: And a piece of toast.

Michael: Please. Stan Sitwell’s coming over.

Lucille: That hairless freak is coming here? None of his hair is real, you know.

G.O.B.: You mean the guy we’re meeting with can’t even grow his own hair? Come on!

Michael: It’s called alopecia, and I’d appreciate it if we could all be sensitive to it, okay? He happens to be a very modest and generous man.

Lucille: Modest and generous? Then why is he always waving giant $10 million checks over his head every time some...?

Michael: Go ahead, Mom, finish the thought. Every time some children’s hospital needs funding?

Lucille: Nonetheless. We could get a giant checkbook, too. We’re just not that starved for attention.

Narrator: And later, Sitwell laid out his plan.

Michael: Sorry that my son couldn’t be here.

Stan Sitwell: Let me guess. Girlfriend. You know, it could be worse. He could want to marry your mother. (Laughs) Oh, I’m sorry. Is your family not laughing at that yet? Okay, let me tell you what I’m offering. You got a wonderful piece of property here that’s going nowhere. So, what I propose is a co-venture with your Sudden Valley Development. The first thing you might want to change, though, is the name. You know, Sudden Valley conjures up the image of a sinkhole, no?

Michael: I told that to Dad. I told that to my Dad.

Stan Sitwell: I’m thinking, “Paradise Gardens.”

Michael: I swear to God I have that written... I want you to see that so you don’t think that I’m... I-I have that written down on my notebook.

Narrator: When George, Sr. was in charge, he had a habit of shooting down any idea Michael came up with.

Cutaway: the Bluth offices

CAPTION: two years earlier...

Michael: ...and Sudden Valley just sort of implies that something awful could happen all of a sudden. You know? Plus, it’s on a hill.

George, Sr.: What, are you taking stupid pills? Come on. Save us some money.

Narrator: This was a management tool he used to keep Michael working for his approval.

George, Sr.: That was a hard one to say no to.

Stan Sitwell: The only thing I ask is, out of the 450 homes we build, one be given to a disadvantaged family from the inner city.

G.O.B.: That’s great. So the other 449 families live in fear? Is that what we’re saying? I mean, come on! Where’s your decenc...? What the hell just fell off your face? One-One... One of those guy’s eyebrows just fell in the bowl of candy beans.

Stan Sitwell: I always carry a spare.

G.O.B.: Well, I hope you also carry a spare bowl of candy beans.

Michael: G.O.B., I’m very impressed with the offer. And I’m gonna run it upstairs, see what kind of reaction it gets. So to speak.

Narrator: Michael hoped to impress his father.

Michael: Think it all sounds pretty good.

George, Sr.: Pretty good? It was horrible. What, are you taking stupid pills again? I...

Narrator: But their old dynamic returned when George, Sr. did.

George, Sr.: G.O.B. was the only one down there who knew how to handle that hairless freak. Thank God we have G.O.B. on our team.

Michael: You know, Dad, G.O.B. doesn’t really do all that much for our team. In fact, I think it’s time that I get put back in charge.

George, Sr.: Michael, listen to me. Lately, your ideas— they’re horrible. And Sitwell’s just trying to figure out our batting order for the softball game on Saturday. I’m telling you this.

Michael: G.O.B. said the same thing, Dad, but I-I doubt that this guy’s trying to drop $15 million to find out our batting order.

George, Sr.: Hey, this game goes way, way back.

Narrator: It was a fierce rivalry with George, Sr. using everything at his disposal to win...

George, Sr.: No hair! Haven’t got no hair.

Narrator: ...while Stan Sitwell used the game to raise funds...

George, Sr.: No hair!

Narrator: ...for underprivileged kids.

George, Sr.: Oh, oh, I think one of your orphans is heading toward the street.

Umpire: Strike three.

George, Sr.: You go down there, and you-you... you tell him to go screw himself, and you apologize to your brother. We need him on our side, and we need him happy.

Michael: Where’s Sitwell?

G.O.B.: Sorry, I told him to screw off. But get this. He offered me a job.

Michael: What?


CAPTION: moments earlier...

G.O.B.: Well, I’m not waiting on my brother. I pass. You look surprised.

Stan Sitwell: I’m sorry. I must have put it on too high. But you were right. It was a bad offer, and you were smart enough not to take it. You got gumption, you speak your mind. That means you’re good enough to work for me.

G.O.B.: *Bleep* you.

End cutaway

G.O.B.: And I accepted. He’s waiting for me outside. We’re gonna swing by his wigmaker. His “just woke up hair” is finally ready.

Michael: You’re really gonna do this?

G.O.B.: It’s ready, Mike. They’re only gonna hold it for 24 hours.

Narrator: Tobias and Maeby, meanwhile, had mapped the route to the audition.

Tobias: Well, here we are. And home we go. With plenty of time to get you to English class.

Maeby: Wait. You can’t do a U-turn on your dream. I say, we get you on the lot and get the Fünke name out there. Start talking you up around the water coolers.

Tobias: Oh, Maeby, we’ll never get on here. I mean, behind these walls are the biggest stars in the world. America’s treasures.

Andy Richter: Damn it!

Maeby: Dad, you’re auditioning for the part of a confidence man. Let’s try a little confidence.

Studio Guard #1: You say Confidence Man? Hey, I’m up for that part, too.

Tobias: Oh.

Studio Guard #1: Good luck to you.

Tobias: Good luck to you, too.

Narrator: As Tobias was gaining self-confidence, Michael was struggling to keep his.

George Michael: Hi, Dad. Wow, you’re President again?

Michael: Yes. This is the way it should be. What do you think of when you hear the word Sudden Valley?

George Michael: Salad dressing, I think. But for some reason, I don’t want to eat it.

Michael: Right. But Paradise Gardens...

George Michael: Yeah. Okay, I can... I can see marinating a chicken in that. I’m actually here about the softball game. We need some girls on the team this year, right?

Michael: Yes, we do. That’s a league requirement.


Narrator: One that was difficult to meet given G.O.B.’s behavior in the third inning of last year’s game...

CAPTION - one year earlier...

G.O.B.: We could just stay out here and wait for another pop-up.

Narrator: ... and in the fifth inning ...

G.O.B.: You got it. You got it. Come on. Yeah, here we go.

Narrator: ... oh, and before the game.

G.O.B.: We’re gonna win this one!

Women: Ooh!

End cutaway

Michael: We lost our entire outfield and a couple of court cases.

George Michael: Well, you know who would be great, and not at all litigious, is Ann, if she...

Michael: Ooh... mm-mm...

George Michael: No?

Michael: Not Ann. ’Cause, you know, this-this game is kind of our thing.

George Michael: But Ann’s amazing. You know, she could play my position.

Michael: You should be playing the field. There. In right. You know? Plus, I got Aunt Lindsay playing this year. I can’t very well pull her off the roster. Let’s make Ann the backup, okay? Very good way to think about her, as a backup.

George Michael: She’s gonna be so excited.

Michael: Good.

George Michael: Maybe... Maybe now, I’ll get a kiss.

Michael: Okay. (He kisses George Michael on the cheek.)

George Michael: I... Oh. I meant from Ann.

Michael: Yes, I know. I just wanted to get in there first.

Michael: (On phone.) Lindsay, wake up. I need you to play on the softball team this year.

Narrator: Lindsay felt the intended effect of Teamocil, a sense of camaraderie.

Lindsay: Count me in, Michael. Happy to help the team.

G.O.B.: Great news! I’m back!

Michael: You just left.

G.O.B.: Yeah, I don’t think things are gonna work out with Sitwell. I mean, we picked up his “sleepy head” wig, everything was cool. Next thing I know, he’s asking me for a bunch of work ideas, so, I thought I’d just quit and go back to being President here.

Michael: I need to do this job, okay? I need to prove that I can do this job.

G.O.B.: To who?

Michael: To... You.

G.O.B.: Michael, I’m your big brother. I’ll never be impressed with you.

Michael: Still.

G.O.B.: Anyway, look, you can still do it. I just want the office and my stuffs and... the title.

Michael: What about if I help you with your work over at Sitwell?

G.O.B.: You’d do that?

Michael: Sure.

G.O.B.: You really want me to succeed at Sitwell.

Michael: Well, I just... Hey, come on. I really want you to be over at Sitwell.

Narrator: Lucille was worried that her son Buster was being sent into battle with the army.

Oscar: I feel that we’ve not brought something up that might be a solution, to spare my feelings.

Lucille: Send you in his place? I called, they don’t want you back.


Narrator: Oscar had served in Vietnam as a croc spotter on a swift boat.

Oscar: Croc! No, sorry, wait... Log... (Mumbling.) Or, no! Wait! Sorry... Croc!

Narrator: It was there that he met a young USO dancer named Lucille.

Lucille: Actually, Bob, I prefer an older man.

Bob Hope: Hey, I’m free after the show.

Lucille: I said older, Bob, not dead!

End cutaway

Oscar: I swore I’d never say his name again, but it’s time to call you know who.

Narrator: “You know who” was an army sergeant named Bill Anderson. He and Lucille were an item, before she left him for Oscar.

Narrator: At the studio, Tobias began to create buzz around the water cooler.

Tobias: That Fünke is some kind of something. Boy, this Fünke is all anybody’s ever talking about. I’m so sick and tired of hearing about how brilliant that Fünke is. Overrated. We’ll just move on. Whoa, oh, I’m sorry! I’m sorry. Okay, we’re okay. Okay.

Narrator: Meanwhile, Maeby looked for an empty office to call George Michael.

Maeby: Where are you? I bought you a day. I can’t put this book report off forever.

Jeff: Sorry, is this your office?

Maeby: No, I’m just sitting behind someone else’s desk, pretending these are my kids. Can you get Jude Law in here for a meeting?

Jeff: Oh, I’m just a reader.

Maeby: A reader?

Jeff: Yeah.

Maeby: I need a report by tomorrow, before gym... Lunch with Jim... Carrey. He’s the Grinch guy. You’re too young.

G.O.B.: So get this. Sitwell loved my ideas.

Michael: My ideas, and I knew it! That’s great. You know, Dad never complimented any of those.

G.O.B.: Here’s the thing. I need more.

Michael: There were 34 proposals in there.

G.O.B.: You’d be amazed how fast they come out when you read them all in a row.


G.O.B.: “31. Bamboo floor upgrades— cheaper, stronger.” I can’t read this word. “32. Wireless ‘crapability.’ ” That one explains itself. “33.”

End cutaway

Michael: G.O.B., that was six months worth of work. You can’t just blurt them all out at once.

Stan Sitwell: Mr. Bluth!

G.O.B.: He’s coming. I’ve got to go.

Stan Sitwell: You blew them away. Bought you something. Maybe we can play catch sometime.


Narrator: G.O.B.’s own father had only once played catch with him, and it ended as badly as any game of catch could end.

White Power Bill: White Power!

End flashback

Stan Sitwell: Better yet, maybe we can play ball on Saturday. I’ll meet you there. I’ve got a neck hair fitting at 11:00.

Narrator: G.O.B. was both angry... and overwhelmed by the approval from this new father figure. It was confusing. Michael was less torn and went to brag to his father.

Michael: So, apparently my ideas aren’t so bad and that comes from Sitwell himself.

George, Sr.: You let your ideas go to Sitwell?

Michael: No, I gave them to G.O.B. Who, uh... works there now.

George, Sr.: You let G.O.B. go to Sitwell? What did I tell you? I told you don’t...

Michael: ...let him go, I know, but my point is that I do all the work, Pop.

George, Sr.: Yeah, and he makes all the plays. Don’t you understand? He was the best softball player in the league.


Narrator: G.O.B. was especially gifted at sacrificing his body for the play.

G.O.B.: Yeah! Suck on that, Sitwell!

Narrator: Although, at times, even that wasn’t enough for George, Sr.

George, Sr.: Your Tweety Bird dance just cost us a run, you moron!

End cutaway

George, Sr.: Why do you think Sitwell hired him? You can’t do this. You’re gonna lose the game and you’re going to lose the company and you can’t do this.

Michael: Come on, what are you saying? If I win the game, you’re comfortable with me running the company?

George, Sr.: Yeah, that’s what I’m saying.

Michael: I’ll win the game. And I’ll show him that his little plan didn’t work, all right? We can build houses, we can win games.

George, Sr.: Now that’s what I want to hear!

(Crash in distance.)

Michael: We can win games.

Michael: Lindsay, did that oven vent hit you? Your foot is bleeding.

Lindsay: My foot is bleeding.

Narrator: Teamocil may cause numbness of the extremities.

Michael: You’re still going to be able to play on our team this weekend, right?

Lindsay: Why do you think I’m taking Teamocil?

Michael: To curb your sex drive.

Lindsay: That’s right. What team are you talking about?

Narrator: It may also cause short-term memory loss.

Michael: Okay, looks like I’m gonna need that female backup player after all. Ann’s really good at softball, huh?

George Michael: Yeah, she’s amazing. You know, she’s got this low center of gravity. You can’t knock her over.

Michael: Well, I could knock her over.

George Michael: Dad, I’m telling you, you can’t. They call her “The Wall.” You know?

Michael: Oh, that’s great. But I could knock her over. I won’t, but I could!

Narrator: And Lucille called on an old lover.

Lucille: William?

General Anderson: Yes, ma’am?

Lucille: You don’t remember me?

Narrator: General Anderson had done three tours of duty in Vietnam, but the only memory he’d blocked was being left by Lucille.

General Anderson: Oh, my God, that touch. Oh, how could I forget? Pat.

Lucille: Lucille.

General Anderson: I could never forget that touch.

Lucille: Bill, they’re shipping my son Buster off. I can’t have that happen.

General Anderson: I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do.

Lucille: Is there anything... I can do?

General Anderson: Maybe, if you go downtown.

Lucille: I haven’t done that in 30 years...

Lucille: (Singing) When you’re alone and life is making you lonely / You can always go / Downtown / When you’ve got...

Drill Sergeant: You make me want to puke!

Narrator: And so Buster was pulled out of combat training... and put in to USO training.

Buster: Oh... huh...

Sitwell offices. G.O.B. has a dark-haired man who looks not unlike Gary from 2.04 sitting in his lap.

G.O.B.: It jolts.

Narrator: And, back at G.O.B.’s new office...

G.O.B.: It’s not really doing it right now, but...


G.O.B.: Michael.

Michael: Do you still need those ideas?

G.O.B.: Are you kidding me? I can’t let Sitwell down. I’m desperate here.

Michael: Then I’ll make you a deal. I want you to throw the softball game.

G.O.B.: Never! He gave me this.

Michael: Of course he did. Why do you think he hired you?

G.O.B.: He liked my ideas.

Michael: They were my ideas. And no, he didn’t. He just wants you for the softball game, because he’s trying to make our family look foolish.

G.O.B.: I knew you had bad ideas. All right, we’ll play him. I’ll throw that softball game. Nobody makes a fool of our family without my help.

Narrator: Tobias had talked up the name Fünke, and it was time to audition.

Mort Meyers: What’s your name?

Tobias: Tobias.

Mort Meyers: He’s too short. Give it to the guard.

Tobias: Oh, I... I’m not... I... On camera, I seem much taller.

Narrator: And Maeby picked up the reader’s report, which had now become her book report.

Mort Meyers: What you got there?

Maeby: I can’t really discuss it.

Mort Meyers: Well, if you want to get it made, I’m the guy who has to see it. You’re the Fünke everyone’s talking about? What are you, like, 15?

Maeby: Marry me.

Mort Meyers: Everyone thinks I look young too. So, who you thinking about?

Maeby: Jude Law. Why do you ask?

Mort Meyers: Yeah, go young. Young Guy and the Sea. Big Spring Breaker for us. CGI the fish. Let’s fast-track this one.

Narrator: And that’s when Maeby realized she had become a successful film executive.

Jeff: Here you go. It’s all waxed up.

Mort Meyers: All waxed up?! What do you mean?

Maeby: I need something. A job for my dad.

Mort Meyers: Yeah, yeah, sure, okay. Listen to me. Brand-new cars don’t get waxed!

Narrator: That afternoon, it was game time, and Michael felt confident about a Bluth win.

George, Sr.: Play ball!

Narrator: Ann wasn’t as amazing as George Michael led his father to believe. But G.O.B. was playing worse than ever, as per his agreement with Michael.

Michael: This guy can’t hit, Sitwell. He’s never going to touch it!

Stan Sitwell: Time out! Time out! G.O.B., you okay?

G.O.B.: Yeah, I just can’t hit today. Guess you’re really disappointed in me.

Stan Sitwell: Hey, everybody has days like this. It’s only a game. After that list of ideas you gave me, I don’t care if you blow the whole season. Come here, you. Okay, we’re good.

Narrator: And G.O.B. finally felt that someone believed in him... even though they weren’t his ideas. And he decided to make Sitwell proud.

G.O.B.: I killed that ball!

Stan Sitwell: Yeah!Yeah! You go!

Michael: You better pull an ankle or something. Come on, George Michael! Get that ball in there!

Narrator: But then he went headfirst into The Wall.

G.O.B.: I’m safe.

George, Sr.: You’re out!

G.O.B.: Out?! I was safe! I’m safe! Safe!

George, Sr.: Stop with the Tweety Bird dance, you moron.

G.O.B.: Dad?

Michael: He made the call! You’re out! What are you doing?

George, Sr.: Shush, shush, shush, shush.

Michael: Dad?

Stan Sitwell: He’s safe!

Michael: What the hell are you doing here?

George, Sr.: I’m taking care of what you screwed up. You blew it again, Michael.

Michael: Let me tell you something. I blew it when I let you start controlling me again. I even stooped to cheat here at a softball game.

G.O.B.: What? You two have been talking to each other? How come nobody called me?

Stan Sitwell: What’s going on there?

Michael: I’m just fixing something that’s been bugging me. He was safe. He was. We lost. Get over it.

G.O.B.: Yeah, and Stan Sitwell liked my ideas! He really believed in me.

Michael: My ideas.

G.O.B.: Well...

Michael: And I’m president whether you like it or not, Dad. I don’t need your approval anymore.

George, Sr.: I’m proud of you.

Michael: Really?

George, Sr.: Yeah. See ya.

Lindsay: Michael, I could’ve sworn I just saw Dad. Or not. I think hallucination is one of those side effects of Teamocil.

Narrator: It isn’t.

G.O.B.: Thanks for making the right call there, buddy.

Michael: Yeah.

G.O.B.: Sorry I didn’t blow the game.

Michael: No, you did the right thing, and you finally got Dad to one of your ball games.

G.O.B.: (Whistles through tooth) Screw him.

Michael: Yeah.

G.O.B.: (Whistling) I miss him so much.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Maeby gets her father a job.

Tobias: Ooh!

Andy Richter: I’ve got to fire one of you.

Tobias: Andy Richter!

Andy Richter: (Groans)

Tobias: Here are those head shots I was telling you about.

Andy Richter: Yeah. I gotta go. I gotta go.

Tobias: It’s Tobias Fünke. I told you about the head shots?

Narrator: ... and Buster visits the general.

Buster: I just wanted to thank you for my new job. What’s wrong?

General Anderson: I’m shipping out tomorrow.

Buster: Oh. I have got just the thing.

General Anderson: Oh, I haven’t felt hands like that in years. You are coming to the front.

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