| Season Four, Episode Four | |||
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The following is the transcript of the Season Four episode "The B. Team".
"The B. Team" was written by Mitchell Hurwitz & Jim Vallely.
Act[]
Cut: car drive
Narrator: Michael Bluth was starting a new job when he received a call from attorney Barry Zuckerkorn.
Michael: Hello. Michael Bluth, residential complexes.
Background voice on phone: Take my picture!
Barry: Hey, Michael. You’re in real estate again?
Michael: Sort of.
Narrator: Michael had tried to leave real estate behind and get a job in the high-tech sector.
Flashback: job interview
Michael: However, I will tell you that in my last position, I had a company car provision.
Employer: I think we may have something that can get you a car.
Employer: Hey, Gare-Bear?
Gare-Bear: Yeah?
Employer: I think we got an ostrich.
Gare-Bear: Oh, God, grab him.
Michael: What is it?
Employer: Now, with this car, you may get some stares.
Michael: I’m used to a car with some stares.
Narrator: Albeit one that had trouble negotiating low-hanging obstacles. Which is why he parted with it.
End Flashback
Michael: I’m actually working in high tech, but it does collide with real estate. This is going to be low. I hooked it.
Narrator: Michael was driving a car from a company that shows every private residence in the country.
Narrator: But it’s also a company that won’t let us show the car that takes those pictures.
Narrator: In fairness to them, it is their property. If you want to know what the company is…
Michael: Save it. We’re just going to blur it anyway.
Narrator: …all you have to do is “something“ it.
Michael: Barry, you still there?
Barry: So I got a really interesting call from Ron Howard, of all people. He’s directing now, apparently, and wants to meet you at his office in, get this, Beverly Hills.
Michael: Why does Ron… Why does Ron Howard want to meet with me?
Barry: I don’t know. His office didn’t say. And if you don’t mind, I’m a little busy with a case of my own.
Michael: Did you get any other information?
Barry: Apparently, he directed a movie called Cocoon.
Michael: Sorry. I was unclear about why he wants to meet with me.
Barry: I don’t know. You want me to tell him to go (BLEEP) himself? I can tell Ron Howard to go (BLEEP) himself. Tell him to shove it up his (BLEEP) I just can’t do it now because I’m in front of a jury.
Michael: Barry, I will meet with him. You’re in front of a jury right now?
Barry: Oh, and the looks I’m getting. Got to go.
Cut: school basketball court
Barry: Sorry, everybody. I’m an attorney, too.
Bob Loblaw: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I’d like the defendant to reach over the school gate, open it from the inside and enter the school property, please.
Barry: I can’t reach it. I can’t reach the knob.
Bob Loblaw: Why is that, Mr. Zuckerkorn?
Barry: I’m not tall enough.
Bob Loblaw: You’re not tall enough.
Barry: I can’t reach the Chachi. Hey, should I try tippy-toe? Look, I’m on tippy-toes.
Bob Loblaw: If he can’t reach, this trial’s a breach.
Barry: Oh, and that’s what we call a Law Bomb.
Prosecuting attorney: That’s a low blow, Loblaw.
Bob Loblaw: A Bob Loblaw Law Bomb.
Jury: Ahhh.
Narrator: Now, the story of a family whose future was abruptly canceled, and the one son who had no choice but to keep himself together.
Narrator: It’s Michael’s Arrested Development.
Cut: Imagine Entertainment
Narrator: Michael drove to the North American headquarters of Imagine Entertainment, the modest film, television and streaming colossus of Brian Grazer and Ron Howard, and got his first taste of how cruel Hollywood can be.
Caption: Daily Variety: “Carrie Fisher ankles bit, too“
Michael: That’s not very nice.
Kitty: “Ankles“ means “leaves“ in Variety, Michael.
Michael: Kitty Sanchez. What are you doing here?
Kitty: I work here. I’m a D girl.
Michael: No, I don’t want to see them.
Kitty: I’m not going to show you my (BLEEP) you pig. It means “development.“ I’m a movie executive. I work for Ron Howard now.
Narrator: And she’d proven as loyal to him as she was to her former boss, Michael’s father. But without the quote-unquote benefits. Also, Imagine provided no health benefits.
Michael: Great for you. How’d you get this job?
Kitty: Women can be movie executives, you pig. I knew people.
Michael: You’re probably going to call me a pig for this, too, but are you sure that you meant to say “knew“?
Narrator: She did. The only thing at Imagine that Kitty blew was smoke up the skirt of the young woman who hired her, Michael’s niece, Maeby, who was then working as a film executive.
Flashback: job interview
Maeby: My first project is about my family.
Kitty: Oh!
Maeby: Yeah, which is why I thought you’d be a perfect assistant because you know where all the bodies are buried.
Kitty: And I even helped bury some of them.
Narrator: Maeby was only 17 at the time.
Maeby: Also, can you buy me booze?
Kitty: Totally. Whatever else, too.
Maeby: Great!
Kitty: ’Cause I can get you smack or hash or Special K…
Narrator: Unfortunately, when Maeby was shooting out of town on a picture, Kitty saw to it…
Kitty: She didn’t even get releases from her family.
Narrator: …that Maeby’s was one of the bodies that was buried. And the project got thrown on the back burner.
End Flashback
Michael: Do you have any idea why Ron Howard wants to see me?
Kitty: Believe me, if I could think like Ron Howard, I’d own the second largest building in Beverly Hills.
Narrator: Only Jerry Bruckheimer’s building was technically taller. But who wants to be south of Wilshire?
Receptionist: Mr. Howard will see you now.
Michael: Oh, great.
Receptionist: I’ll take you to the private elevator.
Michael: Thanks.
Kitty: Ooh, going to meet the big man himself.
Cut: Ron Howard's office
Narrator: But first, Michael would have to pass a few little Rons.
Luisa Velez: Michael Bluth.
Michael: Hey.
Ron Howard: Hey, nice try, mister.
Ron Howard: We’re never going to beat the original.
Luisa Velez: Well, that’s what I’ve been saying.
Michael: Hi. Hey.
Ron Howard: Oh, Michael. Thanks for coming down.
Michael: How are you? Pleasure to meet you.
Ron Howard: I’m just finishing up casting this Andy Griffith Showthing.
Michael: Okay. Yeah. Hang on a second. You guys finally making that movie? I’ve been reading about it for, like, 40 years.
Ron Howard: Well, it’s not a done deal yet, but I want to talk about you.
Michael: Yeah.
Ron Howard: Hey, let’s go inside the LEM. You want to?
Michael: Is this the one that landed on the moon?
Ron Howard: On a soundstage.
Michael: Oh, right, from Apollo 13.
Ron Howard: No, no, 1969. I’ll tell you about it inside the LEM. It’s soundproof in there. And it’s a national secret.
Cut: Inside the LEM
Ron Howard: So, NASA did go to the moon in ’71. That one was real. But in ’69, they weren’t ready, so they faked the whole thing on the soundstage of Gentle Ben.
Michael: Boy.
Ron Howard: Me and my brother, we hid up in the rafters. We’ve seen the whole thing. But I want to talk to you about something.
Michael: Okay.
Ron Howard: For the last year, I’ve been going to Phoenix.
Michael: Whoa! Whoa! Hang on, now. Are you kidding me? I’m a Phoenix. I’ve never met anyone else in person that, uh, also goes there. That’s amazing. I guess that’s the downside of going to college online.
Ron Howard: Well, I just got a sick aunt down there.
Michael: Oh, I see.
Ron Howard: But on the last flight, I was flipping through the magazine, and I saw something.
Michael: No, no, no. Not the begging photo.
Ron Howard: Now, I don’t think you know this about me. But most of my movies are based on still photographs that I find truly inspiring.
Narrator: It was true. Splash was based on what turned out to be a counterfeit Hockney that Brian talked Ron into buying. The Da Vinci Code was from this photo.
Ron Howard: You know Willow? That was from a Soft’n Snuggly coupon I got in the mail. But a man who is passionate enough to beg, well, that’s a character whose story we really want to see.
Michael: Really?
Ron Howard: Plus I’ve been dying to figure out a way to do something about the market crash ever since my partner, Brian Grazer, was tipped off that it was three months away from happening.
Michael: What’s that?
Ron Howard: But I never had a face to put on it. Until now. You. Your wife is dying. You’re trying to hold your family together.
Michael: Oh, gosh, no, no, no. My wife died years before any of this.
Ron Howard: Oh, gee. I think it’s a lot more fun if we see her die.
Michael: That is fun.
Ron Howard: And by the way, then it’s a fantastic part for a leading lady. In fact, my girl Rebel would be great in that part.
Michael: Your girl?
Ron Howard: Rebel Alley. She’s an actress. You know her.
Narrator: He didn’t.
Michael: I do. Yes, of course I do. Your girl, huh?
Ron Howard: Well, we kind of like to keep that quiet.
Narrator: Michael assumed that by “my girl,“ Ron was referring to his mistress…
Michael: I can see why you’re telling me in the LEM, huh?
Narrator: …but Ron was actually talking about his daughter.
Ron Howard: You probably think I’m terrible for even mentioning her to you.
Michael: No, no, I’m not one to judge. I’m sure you’ve all got girls up here in Hollywood.
Ron Howard: Brian’s got two boys.
Cut: outside the LEM
Ron Howard: I think you’re a natural and it could be a great movie. You know, and it’s a real chance to show you guys off, too.
Michael: Us guys?
Ron Howard: Well, it’s about the whole family.
Michael: Them?
Ron Howard: We’re gonna need everybody’s signature on these releases in order to make this story. Although the real heartbeat of this thing is the father-son dynamic.
Michael: Yeah. You know, Ron, I don’t know if I can do this. We’re not in a great way right now, and it might not be worth…
Ron Howard: Michael, take a few of these cards and really think about it.
Michael: All right.
Ron Howard: I got a tough meeting coming up now. How do you tell Ed Harris that he’s simply not a Barney?
Narrator: And while Ed was getting some bad news, Michael got some good news.
Michael: Excuse me. Is this a mistake? Am I a producer?
Luisa Velez: It’s one of the perks of having a movie made about you.
Michael: Oh!
Luisa Velez: Health plan is not another one, by the way. No health plan.
Narrator: Michael had been given an opportunity to turn his life around, and all he had to do to make it happen was to get his family’s signatures.
Cut: outside
Michael: …signatures, especially my father’s.
Barry: (on phone) Sounds like your thing went a lot better than my thing.
Michael: Except I haven’t spoken to them for a long time. I mean, since I… Well, since my mom…
Barry: Left?
Michael: Yeah, for prison, yeah. You want to know what? Frankly, I think Ron Howard just wants to get a movie for his girlfriend.
Barry: It sounds like Ron Howard is casting with his (BLEEP)
Michael: Well, it is hard to believe, but I guess they’ve all got their mistresses up here in showbiz, you know. It’s like it’s their God-given…
Barry: Front?
Police officer: No, right.
Michael: No, right.
Barry: Calm down, everybody, all right? I got it.
Michael: You think my dad would ever even go for something like this?
Barry: You know, it’s very hard to get a signature out of him. It’s like somebody a long time ago said “Hey, what if you never signed anything…“
Flashback: 1982
Young Barry: Hey, what if you never signed anything? Because you said you didn’t have a signature? Just like you, Pop.
Young George, Sr.: You don’t have a signature?
Young Barry: No, he’s never given me one card. Not one birthday card, which is why his presents are always money orders. Right, Pop?
Herb Zuckerkorn: I don’t have a signature.
Young Barry: Oh! If you don’t sign, you will be fine. Hey.
Young Lucille: He’s very smart.
Young George, Sr.: He’s very good.
Herb Zuckerkorn: Can you feel your hands? I can’t feel my pinky or this one.
End Flashback
Michael: I hear what you’re saying. My dad would never do something like this for me. I’m gonna head back in. I’m gonna tell Ron Howard to forget about it.
Barry: Yeah, you’re screwed.
Michael: Yeah.
Barry: Do me a favor.
Michael: Okay.
Barry: Tell Ron Howard to go shove his (BLEEP)
Michael: Bye bye, Barry.
Michael: Sorry. Whoops. Whoa, sorry. That was my fault.
Rebel Alley: No.
Michael: I was looking at my phone.
Rebel Alley: It’s not too embarrassing walking around with a bunch of photographs of yourself.
Michael: Well, looks like it’s part of your job. You’re an actress?
Rebel Alley: No, I’m a narcissist. Yeah, actually, “actress“ is an overstatement because… Thank you. I was just sucking at this audition I went on. It was one of these ridiculous meet-cute clichés, where a guy and a girl just, you know, they bump into each other, and they…
Rebel Alley: They fall in love.
Rebel Alley: God, you’re handsome.
Michael: I got maybe a lucky hair day. You’re the beautiful one.
Rebel Alley: You have beautiful eyes.
Michael: My deceased wife had red hair.
Rebel Alley: Yep, garbage like that. And it’s so unbelievable. Like, they never get each other’s names.
Michael: Pretty stupid. Oops! Gosh.
Rebel Alley: Oh, ow!
Michael: Are you okay?
Rebel Alley: That really hurt.
Michael: You okay?
Rebel Alley: I wish I had done that well in the audition. Where’s a movie producer when you need one, right? Well, it was really nice to meet you.
Michael: Yes, you, too.
Michael: I’m a movie producer.
Michael: Sorry. I’m a movie… Here, I’ve got… I’ve got proof here. Huh?
Rebel Alley: Oh, you are a movie producer.
Michael: Yeah. Yeah, there’s a part for a wife, and you’d be perfect for the movie.
Rebel Alley: Do you like Scottish music?
Michael: With the screeching horns and the silly…
Rebel Alley: Yeah. I’m in a band.
Michael: I love it. it’s great.
Rebel Alley: We’re playing at the Ealing Club tomorrow night, and maybe you could come and just check it out.
Michael: Oh, yeah? I don’t even know what that is.
Rebel Alley: (laughs)
Michael: I should’ve… Sorry. That’s funny. I should have said, “Where?“ Of course, I know what it is.
Rebel Alley: No, it’s on the top of that building.
Michael: Okay.
Rebel Alley: But can you imagine driving that car?
Michael: No, I can’t. No.
Narrator: It wasn’t until Michael had walked two blocks past the California Pizza Kitchen when this happened.
Michael: (sings) Hey, I met a girl today / and her name is (BLEEP)
Narrator: So Michael went back to find her or, at the very least, try looking for a head shot with her name on it.
Michael: Nothing? She was super-pretty, red hair…
Narrator: But even without her name, he knew his only chance with her was to be a real producer, and that meant getting a signature from a father whose face he hadn’t seen in ages.
Cut: balcony
Lucille 2: You’re making me dizzy!
Narrator: And that’s when he suddenly did.
Lucille 2: We have to keep this quiet!
Michael: Dad?
George, Sr.: No, no.
Michael: Hi.
Lucille 2: Don’t say I’m down here.
Michael: Right here.
George, Sr.: Hey.
Michael: What’s going on?
George, Sr.: I just came back to get…
Lucille 2: Don’t acknowledge me.
George, Sr.: …get some suits, you know, so I can look like the uptight, dishonest, cheating boob that I am.
Michael: Well, I never said “boob.“ Although you are in the wrong Lucille’s apartment, so unless you’re looking for a Bob Mackie original, could be some truth to the cheating part.
George, Sr.: Yeah, well, I was in the desert, and I’ve lost my sense of direction.
Michael: Hey. Where you going? Dad.
Cut: hallway
Michael: Hey, hey, hey. Listen. You’re getting divorced. I am not one to judge. Great to see you again. The past is the past, and things have worked out, and I’ve met a wonderful woman named… Well, don’t worry about that, but I’m a movie producer now. Unbelievable. They’re making a movie out of my life. The girl I met is perfect to play my wife. And it’s. I don’t know. Can you believe it?
Michael: And I know what you’re thinking. “Can you put me in it?“
George, Sr.: I don’t care.
Michael: Do I have what I hope I’ve got? Anybody who’s getting in the movie needs to sign this. It’s a simple signature. I think that everybody needs to see who the real George Sr. is, don’t you?
George, Sr.: I think it would all depend on how George Sr. was portrayed.
Michael: Well, he is not the most positive character, but you sign this, and I don’t see any reason why we can’t make him seem very, very, uh, you know…
Michael: Uh…
Michael: Uh…
Michael: Uh…
Michael: Nice.
George, Sr.: Go to hell.
Michael: Huh?
Narrator: Michael was actually relieved.
Michael: You go to hell.
Narrator: He had no idea how he was going to make his father seem nice.
Cut: Imagine Entertainment
Narrator: Michael Bluth was starting his new life as a producer in, get this, Beverly Hills without the signature he needed to make it happen.
Kitty: Your office is only one floor below Ron Howard’s.
Michael: Yeah? Must be a pretty important project to him, then, huh?
Kitty: That’s one possibility. Watch your head.
Michael: Are these ceilings a little lower?
Kitty: Brian and Ron wanted the ceiling in their office to be a few inches taller, but, apparently, Bruckheimer knows someone on city council and they wouldn’t let them make the building taller. So Ron said, “(BLEEP) you, Jerry,“ and he went lower with his floor. Everybody wins, huh?
Kitty: Here we are.
Michael: Oh! That’s me, huh? Ceilings are even lower in here.
Kitty: Yeah, your office is right below Brian’s. He wanted his ceiling just a few inches taller than Ron’s.
Michael: Okay.
Kitty: Some internal competition. Kind of like between us.
Michael: Yeah. Wait, what?
Kitty: Well, you have a family to track down.
Michael: Yeah, I do. Hey, speaking of that. Kitty, is there a directory of actresses, with pictures in it, that I could…
Kitty: Starting with the casting couch already.
Michael: No, no, no. Nothing like that. I met this unbelievable woman that would be perfect for the part of my wife. And even if she isn’t. I’d love to track her down, so an actual couch could be useful, please.
Kitty: Okay, you’re funny. This is Imagine Entertainment, not the hot tub at Bruckheimer Tower. We make family movies, you (BLEEP) pig.
Michael: Okay.
Kitty: So, why don’t you not worry about casting your movie, and instead just get the rights to your family, and, of course, if you need any help at all, I would love to help you. We like to pull together around here.
Michael: Watch your back.
Kitty: No, you watch your back, mister! If you screw up this project for me, I will bury you farther underground than I did your illiterate little niece!
Kitty: Hi, guys.
Mover: Ma’am.
Narrator: With Michael’s movie in jeopardy over the rights, he decided to call in a favor.
Caption: Cut: later…
Michael: You know, we’re making a movie about the family, and I thought, “I wonder if Carl Weathers would be willing to help me out.“
Carl Weathers: Let me ask you this right up front.
Michael: Okay.
Carl Weathers: Do you think anybody would be upset if one of these Crinch dolls took a walk?
Michael: No, no, help yourself.
Michael: I know what you’re thinking. “What part would I play in this?“
Carl Weathers: I figured you’d want me to play me.
Michael: Well, I didn’t want to waste you on you. In fact, I wasn’t even going to talk to you about acting, but if you are game, boy, that would be great. Let’s circle back to that. There’s a television show, was it, that you made about my family.
Narrator: Michael was referring to the George Bluth Sr. episode of a horribly narrated crime reenactment series called Scandalmakers that Carl had directed years earlier.
Michael: Did you retain the rights to my father’s story?
Carl Weathers: No, man, rights cost money. I never bothered with that stuff. I figure you go ahead, you shoot it. Better to ask for forgiveness than beg for permission.
Narrator: As it turned out, Carl had never bothered to get either, which is why he made himself the subject of the final episode of the series.
Flashback: On location
Caption: Scandalmakers “Weathers' Permit-ing“ - The Scandalmakers' Maker's Scandal
Carl Weathers: Lee Nails, only pressed on once.
DeBrie: Carl, we’re at a swap meet. Okay.
Tobias: There he is.
Process server: Carl Weathers.
Tobias: Mr. Weathers. Carl Weathers.
Process server: You’ve been accused of producing a television show based on real-life events for which you’ve done none of the due diligence in securing the rights thereto.
Carl Weathers: I only have one question. Can I have your rights?
Process server: Of course.
Tobias: Of course, Carl Weathers.
Carl Weathers: Cut! Now we’ll move on, do a little voice-over.
Tobias: God.
Tobias: DeBrie!
Cut: hospital
Tobias: Her heart stopped. She’s (BLEEP) dying.
Tobias: Hey, Dave, you shaved, I like it.
Tobias: Please get the paddles!
Tobias: Hey, Mike. How was Ojai?
End Flashback
Michael: But, Carl, the whole point of the movie is that it’s a true story, so I need the rights. Don’t I?
Carl Weathers: Man, you’re as green as old lady Crinch. Come on, people don’t go to movies to see rights. People go to movies to see actors. Now, who you got as scriptwriter?
Narrator: And that’s when Michael remembered that he did know one member of the Writers Guild.
Carl Weathers: The eye is falling off this one. You mind if I swap it out, you know, for the restaurant?
Michael: Swap it.
Caption: Cut: later
Michael: And I thought, “Who’s going to get it right the first time?“ Because I don’t want to give a lot of notes. And then it came to me. Who knows my father better than Warden Gentles?
Warren Gentles: Hold on one second.
Warren Gentles: “The first time.“
Michael: Yeah.
Warren Gentles: My grandson gave me this, but I guarantee you, give me an old Royal and a glass of Scotch, and I’ll give you 250 pages where the lightning hits the tree.
Michael: That’s not what we do here.
Warren Gentles: I mean, where the drop hits the pond.
Michael: That’s it.
Warren Gentles: I apologize. I’ve had a few meetings today.
Flashback: interview
Caption: Bruckheimer Tower
Caption: Cut: one hour earlier…
Warren Gentles: Then the yellow robot gets mad at the pink robot…
John Krasinski: That does…
Warren Gentles: Correction. The purple robot. Sorry, I’m back to back today.
John Krasinski: I bet. I’m gonna be honest with you. You’re not charring my tree, and… Yeah, Jerry’s not gonna come off the boat for this one.
End Flashback
Michael: This is basically a story about a fellow like myself and his father and their friend Carl Weathers. I’m not entirely sure how to organically work him into the story. You know, maybe he’s teaching them lessons or something. Anyway, I’m gonna leave that up to your capable hands.
Warren Gentles: Wait, wait, wait a minute. I’ve turned it off again.
Michael: They are tricky.
Warren Gentles: Might I suggest bringing in someone younger to play the father? A Philip Seymour Hoffman type?
Michael: A Philip Seymour Hoffman type.
Caption: Cut: later
Michael: And so, naturally, I thought of you.
Andy Richter: Well, you know, I’m a married man, so I don’t really keep a directory of attractive young actresses around.
Michael: Okay.
Andy Richter: I mean, are you really planning on using her or is it like Conan with the girl writers?
Michael: It doesn’t matter. I’m here to talk to you about a movie that we’re gonna make about the family, and I thought that it might be really fun for us to work together again.
Andy Richter: Help me remember. What did we do together?
Michael: You came over for a chicken and ham-water dinner that my family threw to raise some funds for itself.
Andy Richter: And they’re finally getting around to making a movie of that, huh?
Michael: There’s more to it than that. It’s about a young man trying to get out from under his domineering father while dealing with the slow death of his wife.
Andy Richter: That just saved me 12 bucks. I’m not going to see it.
Michael: I’m not asking you to see it, I’d like for you to be in it.
Andy Richter: No offense, I have a job. I mean, I have a good thing.
Andy Richter: Hey, Mr. O’Brien.
Conan O’Brien: Hey, how’s it going?
Andy Richter: Real good.
Conan O’Brien: Andy, quick note. Just ’cause I look at you when we’re doing the show and ask you a question, doesn’t mean you have to respond. Sometimes it’s funny when you don’t say anything, and the audience gets to think, “Hey, Andy really is stupid.“ Gets a big laugh.
Conan O’Brien: Hey, you’re new.
Andy’s stylist: I’ve been here a year.
Conan O’Brien: And you’re funny, too. Let’s get you set up in a writer’s office. You can have Andy’s if you don’t mind the smell of bologna.
Andy Richter: I’m in.
Narrator: Michael had assembled his dream team, and now it was time to wow his boss.
Music: “You're simply the best“ by Tina Turner
Cut: Imagine Entertainment
Imagine guard: Excuse me, sir, could you turn that off, please?
Michael: I thought that was playing in here.
Music stops)
Warren Gentles: Sorry, it was a slide show of my granddaughter’s daughter’s graduation from college.
Michael: Sure.
Kitty: Michael.
Warren Gentles: High school.
Michael: Hi.
Kitty: Did you get the signatures?
Michael: Better. I put together the core team. Acting and writing.
Andy Richter: You guys do remember I have to be back in Burbank by 1:00 every day, right?
Michael: We’ve got that, Andy.
Carl Weathers: I’m looking forward to this.
Andy Richter: Yeah, yeah.
Carl Weathers: This is happening.
Warren Gentles: It is happening.
Andy Richter: It’s happening.
Kitty: Dude, you are moving way too fast.
Michael: Maybe by Hollywood standards, you know, but, Kitty, I come from the business community, where sometimes you have to show it to him already built. Still think you’re going to bury me?
Kitty: Well, Michael, you may not have your father’s signature, but you sure have his signature style.
Warren Gentles: Cue the music.
Warren Gentles: I think I just deleted my pitch.
Narrator: As it turns out, it wouldn’t matter.
Cut: elevator
Michael: Uh-oh!
Michael: Hello, think there’s a problem with the elevator.
Luisa Velez: Do you have a scheduled appointment?
Michael: No, we’re here to see Ron Howard. This is the untitled Michael B. project. I’m actually a producer here. How are you? I’ve got the office just below the sunken living room there in Brian’s. We’re here to pitch Ron the movie.
Luisa Velez: I’m sorry, sir, this is a restricted floor.
Ron Howard: Luisa, it’s all right. For crying out loud, I’m not the king of England.
Michael: There he is, hey, Ron.
Ron Howard: Did you get that signature?
Michael: You know, I’ve got something better. Take a look.
Ron Howard: Andy Richter?
Andy Richter: I’m out, God damn it, I’m out.
Michael: Not married to Andy, but what I do have is the writer.
Warren Gentles: Stefan Gentles, Warden, East Orange County Department of Corrections and writer of multiple episodes of Rocko’s Modern Life.
Ron Howard: Well, everybody’s got to start somewhere.
Warren Gentles: As long as I don’t end up there. I’ll have 25 pages on your desk by tomorrow morning.
Ron Howard: Gosh, that’s putting the cart before the horse.
Michael: Yeah. Look who I’ve got to play Carl Weathers.
Ron Howard: Is that Cuba?
Michael: No, no, that’s not Cuba. I did not want to waste Cuba on Carl. This is Carl Weathers.
Ron Howard: Oh, sure, Carl. You know, I thought it was Cuba with the perfect Carl Weathers makeup.
Carl Weathers: No, no, no, Cuba doesn’t have that kind of range.
Ron Howard: The thing is, I really do insist on controlling the casting myself.
Michael: I get it.
Andy Richter: I’m out.
Michael: I thought maybe if you just saw the whole team together.
Brian Grazer: Team, what team? I should be informed of all meetings.
Brian Grazer: Hey, Cuba, how you doing?
Ron Howard: Oh, Brian, you know Carl Weathers, Andy Richter, Stefan Gentles and Michael Bluth.
Brian Grazer: I’m gonna skip this one.
Michael: Good to see you, Brian. You know, Ron, I think it might be easier to talk if we just come up just the rest of the way.
Ron Howard: Oh, thanks. Yeah, the elevator’s been kooky since we lowered the floor, but maybe once you get that signature.
Michael: It might be kind of tricky. They’re all down in Orange County. Tough to get down there.
Ron Howard: Oh, hey, B.
Brian Grazer: Yeah.
Ron Howard: We must have an office down there somewhere.
Brian Grazer: Yeah, we’ll stick you someplace.
Ron Howard: Yeah. We’ll stick you someplace.
Narrator: Michael was starting work at his new show business office at Orange County Imagine.
Cut: Michael's new office
Visitor: Charles Dawkins.
Narrator: And his office was already receiving a lot of visitors.
Michael: Don’t get comfortable. Sir, thank you, no.
Narrator: But mostly because of the sign ’s similarity to that of this institution, which also received some confused visitors.
Caption: Orange County Imagine / Orange County Imaging
Cutaway: Orange County Imaging
Pitch man: An embolism? I was just here to pitch a game show.
End Cutaway
Michael: So right out this way, sir, thank you.
Visitor: But can I leave a sample?
Michael: It’s generous of you, but they’re gonna be much better with it down there at imaging.
Narrator: And that’s when Michael got his most unexpected visitor.
Michael: Dad, what are you doing here?
George, Sr.: I wanted to speak to you in person.
Michael: I think that you’re a little late, okay? Because I went to you for a simple signature, not so I could just make a movie about the family, but so that I can move on with my life, and you told me to go to hell.
George, Sr.: Yeah, you know, sometimes, when I’m caught off guard, I say things I don’t mean. This is a horrible little office.
Michael: So you’re here to apologize, is that right?
George, Sr.: Yes, and I brought you a peace offering.
Michael: Tetas Gigantes?
George, Sr.: You hate it, right?
Michael: Well, it’s Mexican porn.
George, Sr.: You know, you are impossible to buy for. Just give it to me.
Michael: No, no.
George, Sr.: No, no, give…
Michael: No, no, no.
George, Sr.: See, this is the (BLEEP) kayak all over again.
Michael: Dad, I apologize. I was saying it was a very original gift.
George, Sr.: No, no. You’ll never use it.
Michael: I will use it, except for maybe Señor Señoritas.
George, Sr.: I live in Mexico now and I don’t always know how to ask exactly…
Michael: Understandable.
George, Sr.: …for what I want. And that’s almost over now, which is what I came to talk to you about. Do you know a guy named Herbert Love?
Michael: I know a lot of people, sure, ’cause I’m a big producer now.
Patient’s mother: He ate a mouse.
Michael: Let’s grab a coffee.
Cut: outside
Michael: Okay, so I guess things haven’t been going that well for me.
George, Sr.: And you didn’t feel you could tell me that? That’s why I haven’t heard from you?
Michael: I guess I was afraid that if I admitted Sudden Valley was a failure…
George, Sr.: Told you so.
Michael: You might say, “I told you so.“
George, Sr.: Well, then, you don’t know me at all.
Michael: It’s all right, it’s my fault. I bit off more than I could chew. I mean, I lied about being a big shot to impress this girl whose name I don’t even know. I’ve got this crazy idea that I’m gonna turn into a star with a film that I can’t get made ’cause I can’t get my own father’s signature on a release. it’s like, you know…
George, Sr.: I didn’t know it was about lying to a girl. Give me the release.
Michael: You’d do this for me?
George, Sr.: Of course I will.
Narrator: And so, with his father’s rights in hand, Michael the producer headed up to find his lady Cinderella Man at the Ealing Club, an exclusive show business hangout.
Cut: Ealing Club
Michael: Ron Howard.
Ron Howard: Oh, thank you.
Michael: No, it’s Michael Bluth. Hi.
Ron Howard: Oh, I remember.
Michael: I did it. I got my father’s signature. You said you wanted to focus on the father-son relationship, and I love it. Who’s not gonna be able to relate to a son standing up to his self-centered father?
Ron Howard: Sure. But the father-son relationship I was interested in was not you and your father, it was you and your son. You’re the father.
Michael: But that would make my son the son.
Ron Howard: Bingo.
Narrator: Michael had to decide whether being a producer was worth invading the privacy of a son who had kicked him out for that reason.
Michael: I don’t think I can do it. I don’t think I can go… I can’t go to my son. That’s. I just… I don’t even think that it’s worth it just to say that I’m a producer, like…
Ron Howard: It’s your call. Maybe the real estate business will come around soon.
Michael: Will it?
Ron Howard: I could never reveal that information to a non-producer.
Narrator: And then he heard something that made him change his mind.
Rebel Alley: Michael? Mr. Movie Producer.
Michael: That’s me.
Cut: bagpipe music concert
Narrator: And like all bagpipe music, it was hard to tell if it was good music played horribly or horrible music played well.
Narrator: But Michael was eager to find out her name when she was introduced at the end of the set.
Band leader: And on the drums: Gary.
Band leader: Tonight on bagpipe:
Sheep: Baa
Narrator: But he got to know her anyway.
Cut: at a bar
Michael: Fantastic.
Rebel Alley: I’m only doing this in between movies. Which, given how badly I bombed at that audition yesterday, it’s going to be a while.
Michael: Yeah, you shouldn’t worry about that, you’re gonna get something. You know, sometimes even students make films.
Rebel Alley: Yeah, that’s really funny.
Michael: I could just put your name in for something. I do know Ron Howard.
Rebel Alley: (laughs)
Michael: Love that I make you laugh. You seriously would be great for this part. You remind me of the person that it’s based on. She actually dies on camera.
Rebel Alley: Well, make her mentally challenged and I’ll thank you in my Oscar speech.
Michael: There’s a part like that, too, only she comes in later and she’s British, so she doesn’t seem… No one could ever tell that she’s disabled.
Rebel Alley: I haven’t been in work mode for a while, to be honest. I’ve been raising my son.
Michael: You have a son? I have a son.
Rebel Alley: You do?
Michael: Yeah. We’ve got a little issue, though, right now.
Rebel Alley: Let me guess. He’s pushing you away?
Michael: Yes.
Rebel Alley: My son practically kicked me out of his school the other day.
Michael: That is literally what my son did to me.
Rebel Alley: Then I said to him, “You have no privacy from me.“
Michael: That’s what I should do.
Rebel Alley: Lem’s six in August. Yours?
Michael: Seven in July.
Narrator: Michael regretted the lie, so he sort of split the difference.
Michael: Teen, 17, in July. They grow up so fast, don’t they?
Rebel Alley: Well, I guess you got to move on with your life sometime.
Michael: Yes. Yes, you do.
Cut: photobooth
Michael: This is not a good idea.
Rebel Alley: Of course it’s a great idea.
Michael: ’Cause there’s a lot of people out there.
Rebel Alley: Nobody’s watching.
Cut: valet parking
Rebel Alley: Wow, you weren’t kidding when you said you had a part for me.
Michael: That was absolutely insane.
Rebel Alley: Thanks.
Michael: I’ve never done anything that crazy before. I want to do a lot more of that. I want to see you again. I want to take you out to a nice dinner. So, then…
Rebel Alley: Well, this will have to tide you over until then.
Michael: Look at those. Boy, without this, I wouldn’t know you had a tattoo.
Rebel Alley: I know. Anyone that gets that much clothing off me better know my name.
Michael: Your name.
Rebel Alley: Good night.
Michael: Good night.
Narrator: And that’s when Michael finally saw her name.
Michael: Oh, my God.
Michael: I’m dating Ron Howard’s girlfriend.
Narrator: Actually she’s his daughter. But that’s kind of worse, don’t you think?
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development
Cut: Orange County Imagine
Narrator: Michael starts to really learn the business.
Michael: We can keep going around another 20 minutes, if you want, but I know what I’m talking about. I just went through this last week with a guy. That is a hernia. I’m gonna send you to my guy over at Hoag Hospital. They call him the Bulge Whisperer. He does 20 of these a week.
Narrator: And after failing to get back to Burbank on time, Andy calls in a favor from his identical quintuplet brother Rocky.
Cut: Late Night with Conan O'Brien'
Conan O’Brien: All right, my next guest is a famous pilot who safely crashed his plane into the Hudson River.
Conan O’Brien: That’s kind of a coincidence, Andy. We’ve got a pilot who crashes planes, and you’re an actor who crashes pilots.
Narrator: And Rocky hurts two nice red-haired guys’ feelings.
Rocky Richter-Wang: Yeah, that’s really funny. You know what else would be funny? If I ripped that red rug right off your head and turned you into Ron Howard.
Narrator: While getting the biggest laugh of Andy’s career.