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3x01 The Cabin Show (27)

Transcript of "The Cabin Show"
Written by: Mitchell Hurwitz & Jim Vallely


Season Three, Episode One

Starring:
Jason Bateman as Michael Bluth
Portia de Rossi as Lindsay Bluth Fünke
Will Arnett as G.O.B.
Michael Cera as George Michael Bluth
Alia Shawkat as Maeby Fünke
Tony Hale as Buster Bluth
David Cross as Tobias Fünke
Jeffrey Tambor as George Bluth
Jessica Walter as Lucille Bluth
Ron Howard as Narrator

Guest Starring:
Henry Winkler as Barry Zuckerkorn
Justin Grant Wade as Steve Holt
Anthony Desantis as James Alan Spangler
Judy Greer as Kitty Sanchez
John Beard as Himself
Jim Cramer as Himself
Michael Savage as Suspect
Peter & Paul Vogt as Twins
William B. Bassett as Cab driver
Brandon Johnson as Swallows manager
Gary Kraus as Reunion dad


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Transcript

The following is the transcript of the Season Three episode "The Cabin Show". Memorable quotes are highlighted below.

"The Cabin Show" was written by Mitchell Hurwitz & Jim Vallely

ActEdit

Narrator: Michael Bluth began his day with something he’d never seen before.

Jim Cramer: (On television.) I’m hearing good things about the Bluth Company. What do you think?

Narrator: Good news about his family’s housing business.

Jim Cramer: Old Man Bluth’s in jail. I think his son is running the company. Doesn’t seem like a total moron to me. You know what? I’ve had this thing as a triple sell, and I am upgrading it, right here, right now! I think this thing could even go as high as a “Don’t Buy.”

Michael: “Don’t Buy!” Huh? Mom, did you see that?

Jim Cramer: Don’t buy Bluth!

Michael: You build a house that’s good, people are going to want to come... (Trips and falls into sinkhole.) The sinkhole spread a little bit more last night? Anyway, I’m going to go to the prison. I’m going to tell Dad about this news.

Lucille: I thought you said we shouldn’t visit him.

Michael: Uh, visit, no. Gloat, yes. I’ve worked very, very hard for this. I sold the cabin property to keep us afloat. I haven’t had any time to spend with my son.

Lucille: Well, now you can spend time with my son. I want your brother Buster to come live with you. And it’s not because he has that horrible hook for a hand now. It’s the snoring. Listen to this.

Lucille: (On tape.) This is Buster snoring, Wednesday night.

Loud snoring.

Lucille: (On tape.) It’s driving me craz...

Lucille: You won’t even know he’s here.

Michael: You seem more villainous than usual, mom. Are you sober?

Lucille: Michael, it’s 8:00 a.m.

Michael: So it’s not that.

Lucille: I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I went off my post-partum medication.

Michael: You were still taking that? You had Buster 32 years ago.

Lucille: And that’s how long I’ve been depressed about him. Actually, I did go off it in the early ’90s, but I didn’t like what happened to me.

1994

John Beard: Claiming she could take it no more, the young mother released the emergency brake, allowing her car to roll backwards into the nearby lake.

Lucille: Good for her!

End flashback

Lucille: I must have gained three pounds.

Michael: Why’d you go off them this time?

Lucille: Well, apparently, mood-altering medication leads to street drugs. That’s what this very handsome, young doctor said on The Today Show.

Michael: That was Tom Cruise, the actor.

Lucille: They said he was some kind of scientist.

Michael: Maybe you should get away from Buster. Why don’t you go up to the cabin in the woods?

Lucille: I thought you said we sold it.

Michael: We sold the property. I worked it out so that we could relocate the cabin, but it is going to be up in Tahoe for another couple of days. Maybe you can take a date up there.

Lucille: How am I supposed to find someone willing to go into that musty old claptrap?

Michael: The cabin! Yes, th... well, that would be difficult, too. Please get back on the meds, Mom. We miss the old, old you.

G.O.B.: I didn’t even know that we had a cabin.

Michael: Ah, bleep. Well, for what it’s worth, G.O.B., I’ve never actually been there.

Narrator: Although he’d often been promised.

1976

George: Hey, pal. Something’s come up. This nice young lady has lost her puppy, and your dad’s got to help her find him.

1979

George: Oh, bad news, buddy. This young lady’s dad is sick, and... I’m taking her to the hospital.

1983

George: Come on, you’re old enough to figure this out. I’m nailing this broad.

G.O.B.: Pardon me if I don’t burst into tears, Michael, but at least he promised to take you. He just let me blindly enjoy my childhood. I didn’t even know there was a cabin he wasn’t taking me to!

Michael: Hmm, mine’s sadder.

G.O.B.: I don’t see you crying, robot. You taste these tears. Taste my sad, Michael.

Michael: I am not going to lick your eye, okay?

G.O.B.: Well, I will tell you this, Michael... I don’t have a son...

Narrator: He does.

G.O.B.: But if I ever do, I’m either going to take him to the cabin in the woods, or I’m going to promise to take him and then not take him. But the one thing that I will never do is not tell him that I’m taking him to a cabin in the woods, and then not take him!

Narrator: G.O.B. was growing up.

Michael: Well, the cabin in the woods is going to be stacked up next to our carport. But... maybe we should head up there tonight, huh? One first time...

G.O.B.: Taste the happy, Michael. Taste it.

Michael: Tastes kind of like sad.

Narrator: And soon Michael set off to prison, to tell off his father, when he discovered his son.

Michael: George Michael?

George Michael: Dad. Hey.

Michael: What are you doing?

George Michael: I didn’t want to miss you because you’ve been leaving so early lately.

Michael: You slept out here to see me?

Narrator: Michael had never been so touched by something his son had said... but it wasn’t true. He was hiding from his cousin, after an awkward incident. They’d since been trying to avoid each other, which was difficult, considering they shared a bunk bed.

George Michael: Oh, hi.

Maeby: Hi.

George Michael: I’m off to the car.

Maeby: I’ll be in the crawl space.

Michael: Tell you what. How would you like to head up to the cabin?

George Michael: Can you afford to skip work?

Michael: I think the president of a “Don’t Buy” company can afford to take a day off.

George Michael: We’re up from “Sell”? It’s happening, isn’t it?

Michael: It’s really happening.

Michael: And it’s time for us to start creating some memories. You know, there’s been enough disappointment in this family.

G.O.B.: There’s only one sleeping bag, so we’re going to have to double up. Pigs in a blanket!

Michael: Sorry, pal, something came up.

G.O.B.: It is worse to know.

Narrator: G.O.B. was getting life lessons all over the place. And Michael broke a two-month silence and went to visit his father.

Oscar: You came! Someone came!

Michael: Only to tell you that the company is back on track and it’s because you’re behind bars. And now I get to do with my son what you never did with me. I’m taking him to the cabin.

Oscar: ...scar, and every night they...

Michael: I’m scarred, too, but my son is not going to be.

Oscar: ...and they cover it with soap, and you’re supposed to thank them, like they’re doing you a favor!

Michael: So that’s it. That’s all I came to say. Is there anything you’d like for me to pass on to the family?

Oscar: I’m your uncle! I’m your dad’s twin brother. I’m Oscar! He switched on me. No one believes me.

Narrator: Unfortunately for Oscar, “You’ve got the wrong twin” was a very popular alibi.

Suspect: ...you simply got the wrong twin!

Twin #1: We’re quadruplets. You got the wrong two.

Twin #2: We’re Larry and Dave. You want Curtis and Jack.

Oscar: I even started a Web site— ImOscar.com. I’m innocent, Michael. I’m Oscar! .com!

Michael: No, no, don’t buy it. I’m taking my son to the cabin, and there’s nothing you can say to make me believe that you are not my father.

Oscar: I understand. Your child comes first.

Michael: Oh, my God, you’re Oscar.

Oscar: .com!

Narrator: So Michael returned to the office to try and free his uncle, when he realized how much that freedom would cost his employees.

All: (Chanting.) Don’t buy! Don’t buy! Don’t buy! Congratulations to us all. Congratulations.

Lindsay: Don’t buy! We did it, Mikey! We’re super rich again! And, I’m going to buy a car. The Volvo.

Michael: Lindsay, you’re not going to start spending money.

Michael: And this is not a Volv.. oh!

Lindsay: Oh, that’s from sitting on the copier.

Michael: Lindsay, no...

Lindsay: Michael, I’ve got nothing! My husband dumped me and ran off to Vegas with Kitty. That bleached blonde whore!

Michael: Well, he’s definitely got a type.

Lindsay: I can’t believe he left me. I mean, this, and these and this!

Michael: That’s the car.

Lindsay: Oh. This.

Michael: Glad I didn’t spring for color. Lindsay, the only reason you want Tobias is because you can’t have him. And the second that you can have something, all of a sudden you don’t want it.

Lindsay: That’s not who I am, Michael.

Michael: Well, all right, maybe you’re right. Maybe we should get you this car.

Lindsay: Yeah? I don’t know, it’s so boxy.

Michael: G.O.B.?

G.O.B.: Oh, Michael. How’s Dad?

Michael: Uh, I don’t know. and if I let him out, people will know that Dad is free and those people out there will end up paying for it. Dad hasn’t tried to contact you, has he?

G.O.B.: Yeah, like I’d ever hear from that son of a bitch.

Narrator: Earlier that day, G.O.B. received a letter from a group that reunited abandoned sons with their fathers called S.A.D.

G.O.B.: A father-son reunion? Dad’s still in prison.

Narrator: But now the letter made sense.

G.O.B.: That son of a bitch.

James Alan Spangler: Law Offices of Barry Zuckerkorn.

Michael: Hi, it’s Michael Bluth for Barry.

James Alan Spangler: Barry went to Reno to see your father.

Michael: Reno? He said he’s been visiting my father in prison.

James Alan Spangler: (Sobbing.) Yeah, Barry says a lot of things he doesn’t mean!

Michael: Well, I guess I’m going to Reno to look for Dad.

G.O.B.: Good luck, favorite son.

Narrator: So once again Michael went after the father who’d once again abandoned him, only to find that he was about to do the same to his own son.

George Michael: It’s not happening, is it?

Michael: Something came up.

Narrator: Michael had just told his son they wouldn’t be going to the cabin.

George Michael: Right, but the cabin’s in Lake Tahoe. So I’m saying that’s right near Reno. We could just...

Michael: Yeah, but you know, this is going to be like an adult trip. Aunt Lindsay will be here. Hi.

Michael: Hey, why don’t you pop a tent in front with your cousin Maeby?

George Michael: What?! No!

Maeby: I’m not really the outdoorsy type.

Michael: Well, then this is a good chance for you to rub off on her.

Narrator: As Michael set out to find his father, G.O.B. thought he was doing the same.

Reunion Dad: There’s my guy! Hey, buddy, come on.

Steve Holt: Get them to track down your dad, too?

G.O.B.: My dad actually had them track me down.

Steve Holt: Oh.

G.O.B.: But it does look like he’s not going to show. I kind of feel like that kid who found the severed hand.

Steve Holt: “Hey, Dad, look what I found!”

G.O.B.: Anything for his father’s approval. Heartbreaking.

Steve Holt: You look familiar.

G.O.B.: I think that’s because we actually kind of look alike.

Narrator: Remember when I said G.O.B. had a son?

G.O.B.: I’m G.O.B.

Narrator: I wasn’t just saying that. In high school, G.O.B. became intimate with these girls. These girls got pregnant. This one had a baby. And that baby would grow up to be Steve Holt.

Steve Holt: Steve Holt! All I ever wanted was to spend a little time with my Dad. Maybe go camping. But I guess that’ll never happen.

G.O.B.: Look, I know this is going to sound kind of crazy, but my family actually has a cabin in the woods for one more night. Maybe we could go up to Reno, get the keys and go camping. You know, sort of a son-and-son thing.

Narrator: If Steve had had a father, he would’ve warned him not to go into the woods with strange men, but he didn’t.

Steve Holt: Sure! Let’s go!

G.O.B.: Okay! This is me right here.

Steve Holt: Oh, okay.

G.O.B.: Camping!

Steve Holt: Whoo!

Narrator: Michael, meanwhile, arrived in Reno, a city competing with Las Vegas’ successful “What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas” campaign, and set about searching for Barry Zuckerkorn.

Michael: I’m looking for a man who’s probably in the seedy underbelly of Reno.

Cab Driver #2: Oh, the Christian League had The Seedy Underbelly shut down. Now it’s a Swallows.

Narrator: Swallows was a family-style restaurant by day and an anything-goes, pan-sexual bazaar by night.

Tobias: Hello, and welcome to Swallows. Can I interest you in a smoothie or an amyl... Michael!

Michael: Tobias, I thought that you were in Vegas with Kitty in the Blue Man Group.

Tobias: No, as it turns out, the part that I’d destroyed my life to get had already been cast.

Narrator: The role was filled by George Sr., who used it to hide in plain sight. That is, until he choke on a marshmallow and almost died, when no one noticed he’d turned blue.

Tobias: So Kitty suggested we come up here to try out in Reno, and...

Tobias: Oh, I’ll be honest, Michael. Leaving Lindsay was the biggest little mistake I’ve ever made.

Tobias: I can’t seem to call her, though. Damn, this pride of mine!

Swallows Manager: Tuna melt’s up, and you need to flip the cushions in the grind room.

Tobias: Yes, sir. Right away, sir. Oh, great, now I’m going to be smelling to high heaven like a tuna melt.

Michael: Tobias, what would you say if I told you that Lindsay might be willing to get back together with you?

Tobias: Oh, uh, I’ll call her right now!

Michael: Actually, why don’t you let me handle it? You know Lindsay. She only wants what she can’t have.

Tobias: Right.

Michael: What would you do about Kitty?

Tobias: I can’t lie to you, Michael. Kitty left me two days ago.

Flashback

Tobias: There’s a blue hand print on the back of your head, Kitty. Are you seeing someone else?

Kitty: Face it, Tobias. It’s over. Say good-bye to these!

Tobias: Those are blue, too!

End flashback

Michael: There were blue hand prints on them?

Tobias: Yes, and I swear to you they weren’t...

Michael: Yours. No, I know. It all points to Dad. Dad’s in Reno, Kitty’s in Reno... Dad’s in Kitty. He must be a Blue Man.

Michael: I’m gonna go check out the theater.

Tobias: Okay. I’ll meet you there. I just have to break down the salad bar and set up the leather pony.

Michael: What’s the leather pony?

Tobias: I don’t know. We don’t have that at lunch.

Narrator: So Michael called Lindsay to say he’d found her husband.

Lindsay: All right, I’m on my way.

Michael: I’ll just bring him back with me.

Lindsay: He wants to come home?

Michael: I mean, against his will.

Lindsay: Well, knock him out, if you have to. He’s my husband.

Michael: Just watch the kids like you promised, okay?

Maeby: I’m not...

George Michael: Neither am I.

Lindsay: Hold it.

Narrator: And the kids found themselves closer than ever on the bumpy road to Reno.

Cell phone rings.

Lindsay: Hello?

Tobias: Lindsay, uh, hey, hi. Michael said not to call you, but I... I missed you so much.

Lindsay: You miss me?

Maeby: What are you doing?

George Michael: Nothing.

Lindsay: I was driving out there, but this is crazy. We have to be realistic.

Tobias: No, no, but the thing is, I can’t leave Kitty. I just... what with all the sexual intercourse and whatnot.

Lindsay: You bastard!

Maeby: What are you doing!?

George Michael: Nothing!

Tires screeching.

Lindsay: I will be backstage after the Blue Man show, whether Kitty likes it or not.

Tobias: Sounds good. One quick question, though. What if Kitty's not there and I'm less of a Blue Man and more of a... cocktail waitress?

George Michael: She's turning again!

Maeby: Hang up! Hang up!

Tobias: I'll see you there. Thank you, bye.

Narrator: Michael was already at the theater looking for George Sr., when he ran into Barry doing the same thing.

Michael: Hey, Barry.

Barry: Hi, Mikey. So, how much do you know?

Michael: I know that Oscar is in prison, and that my father is a Blue Man, and that you are clearly in cahoots with him.

Barry: Ooh, a lot.

Michael: Yeah, where is he?

Barry: I don't know. I was gonna meet him here, but he must have seen you and run off. I was gonna give him this: $250,000 and a passport.

Michael: Just a passport.

Barry: I was up for so long.

Michael: Barry, you're fired.

Barry: What? Just like that? No warning? You're my only client. What am I supposed to do now? Turn tricks on the street? How much you think I can get for that, by the way?

Michael: All right, this is crazy. I've got to let Oscar out of prison.

Barry: What about making out? $50, or is that just L.A.? Am I just...?

Narrator: Soon, Lindsay arrived at the hotel, and the kids finally faced facts.

Maeby: Look, it was just a half-kiss, all right? Maybe that's the reason why we're acting weird.

George Michael: It's because we didn't finish the kiss? Is that where... Yeah.

Maeby: Yeah, I mean...

George Michael: Do you think we should just finish the kiss, get it out of the way?

Maeby: Let's get it out of the way!

Lindsay: Hey, kids! Bring the bags, we're sharing a room!

Maeby: All right, let's meet back here tomorrow morning. Okay?

George Michael: Yeah.

Maeby: Go.

George Michael: Oh, you... Yeah, I'm gonna, um, I'm gonna stay out here and, uh, and watch that famous Reno sunset.

Maeby: Isn't it behind you?

George Michael: There's... Yeah, but there's mirrors. It'll actually look closer...

Narrator: While George Michael waited for the sunset, another set of sons arrived.

G.O.B.: Michael said he'd meet me here. I guess I'll get the keys to the cabin... son.

Steve Holt I'll go buy some fishing stuff... son.

Michael: So where did you get this kid?

G.O.B.: Yeah, I guess I can tell you now. We were both waiting for our dads at that garden where the little boy found the arm. The kid's amazing, though. It's almost like... I wish he could be my dad.

Michael: Okay, um, your dad's not trying to find you-- your son is. That kid's your son. You're the dad.

G.O.B.: Hmm? I've made a huge, tiny mistake.

Michael: No, no, G-G-G.O.B., G.O.B., you can't just leave your son in the middle of a parking lot in Reno.

Narrator: And that's when Michael saw his own son in a parking lot in Reno.

Michael: He drove all the way up here to be with me. Wow. Well, I guess I'm, uh, I'm no better than...

G.O.B.: (runs)

Michael: No, I'm better.

Narrator: They were an hour out of Reno when George Michael woke up.

Michael: You were out like a light. Pal, our dreams are about to come true.

George Michael: Maeby?

Michael: Definitely! We are going camping. It’s finally happening.

George Michael: It’s never happening.

Narrator: Michael had just surprised his sleeping son by taking him camping.

Michael: I put this off too long, and it’s too important. Your Uncle Oscar can stay in prison one more day, right?

Narrator: Not according to that day’s blog on Imoscar.com.

Michael: This here is way more important than me trying to find my father. Although, I was very close.

Michael: I almost had Pop-Pop in Reno.

George Michael: Me, too.

Narrator: As Michael was forcibly taking his son out to the cabin, Lucille was ready to forcibly throw hers out.

46 hours off medication...

Snoring.

Lucille: (Hits bed with tripod.)

Snoring continues.

Lucille: Well, that was a freebie.

Narrator: Lucille didn’t trust herself to be in the house when Buster returned, so she headed off to the cabin Michael said would be unoccupied. Tobias, meanwhile, was looking for a way to make his wife jealous by convincing her that he was not only a Blue Man, but still with Kitty, when he came across a makeup woman, who, coincidentally, looked a great deal like Kitty.

Tobias: If this tableau I recreate, perhaps I can re-snare my mate. (Chuckles.)

Narrator: Gee, why wouldn’t she want him back?

Narrator: And Michael and his son arrived at the cabin in the woods.

Michael: Looks like they have trucked off the bedrooms. Maybe we’ll just set up some sleeping bags right here in the living room, huh?

Narrator: Lucille, meanwhile, heard a familiar sound.

Snoring.

Lucille: Oh, come on!

Buster: Mother?

Lucille: What the hell are you doing back there?

Buster: I decided to sleep in the car, so my snoring wouldn’t bother you, and I left that recording of my snoring so you wouldn’t know I’m gone.

Lucille: We’re halfway to the cabin. I’m going to drop you by this light.

Buster: Or I could come with you. That might be the exact shot in the arm our relationship needs.

Lucille: Well, at least I’ll have someone to talk to on the way up.

Michael: This is fun, isn’t it? This is just like when we used to live up in the attic.

George Michael: Yeah. Or, or we could go back to Reno.

Michael: Go back to Reno? You don’t want to be here? I mean, you’ve been sleeping in the stair car just so we could spend time together.

George Michael: That’s not totally true, though. I’m just in the middle of a problem right now.

Michael: Oh, yeah? Well, let’s... let’s talk about it.

George Michael: I can’t talk about it with you.

Michael: Why not?

George Michael: It’s just, it’s about a girl, and you’re not gonna like this.

Michael: Is it about Ann?

George Michael: No.

Michael: Oh. Then of course I’m going to like it. I, I, I like Ann.

George Michael: No. It... It's just, it's a problem without an answer.

Michael: Well, every problem has an answer. You're probably just confused because you're going through all of this alone, and that's exactly why we need to spend this time together.

George Michael: Yeah, I guess so.

Michael: I know so.

Michael: So, here's the plan. Tomorrow morning, we're gonna get up early. Before we tell the cops that Pop Up escaped from prison, we're going to go down to the lake, we're gonna discuss your girl problem, and it's going to be fun. Especially the part with the cops. All right? Whatever your problem is with the girl, we're going to figure it out. That's what this place is for. That, and cheating on Gangee.

George Michael: You know, I'm really glad you brought me here, Dad.

Michael: Yeah, we needed this. And this time, I'm not gonna let the family drag me away.

Narrator: And the next morning, Michael rose early to spend the day with his son only to find himself once again dragged away by his family.

Michael: Dad! What the hell are you doing?

George: Sorry, I can't let you let Oscar out of prison, or they'll come for me! Hey, how do you like the cabin?

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development... Lucille arrives at the cabin.

Lucille: ( bleep ) me. There's no cabin.

Buster: Mother?

Lucille: Oh, my God! You still doing breakfast burritos?

Narrator: Maeby finds someone to help her forget her cousin...

Steve Holt: ...being stood up.

Maeby: Yeah, me, too.

Narrator: ...her cousin.

Steve Holt: Want to make out?

Maeby:Yeah, sure, why not?

Narrator: And Lindsay catches up with Tobias.

Lindsay: Get your hands off my husband, Kitty!

Tobias: Did someone say "husband"?

Lindsay: I want a divorce.

Barry: And I would be thrilled to represent either one of you. That'll be, uh, $50.

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