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|Season Two, Episode Fourteen|
Narrator: Michael arrived to find the house still a mess a week after the fumigation.
Michael: So you still haven’t put this stuff back yet, huh? You’ve got to be the laziest person in the world.
Lindsay: If you weren’t all the way on the other side of the room, I’d slap your face.
Michael: I asked you to clean this up.
Lindsay: Yeah, and you also asked me to call the fumigators, and you haven’t even thanked me for doing that.
Narrator: Michael had asked her to do this, but that was long before he began hiding his father in the attic.
George: What the...?
George: Oh, God! Polly, cover your mouth!
Narrator: Luckily, Michael was notified in time.
Michael: Well, we had a deal, you know: I pay for everything and you clean the house. You’ve only done it once.
Narrator: She hadn’t even done it that time, but instead, intercepted her mother’s housekeeper...
Lindsay: Hey, Lupe.
Narrator: ...as she was arriving for work.
Lindsay: Can I take you the rest of the way?
Lupe: Missus... Missus...
Lindsay: Oh, I have to make one quick stop first.
four hours later...
Lupe: Almost done. Yours... or Mister’s?
Lindsay: (Sighs.) Mister’s.
Narrator: Lupe never accepted a ride from Lindsay again.
Lindsay: Well, I’m sorry, Michael, but Tobias moving out hasn’t been easy.
Michael: For any of us.
Lindsay: You didn’t even notice he’d gone, did you?
Michael: I did notice we’d stopped TiVoing The Christopher Lowell Show. What happened?
Lindsay: I tried to give it one last chance...
two nights earlier...
Lindsay: Like what you see?
Tobias: I’ve been looking for those. You’re going to stretch them out.
Lindsay: That’s all you can say?
Tobias: Well, excuse me for liking the way they shape my junk.
Lindsay: I don’t know why, but that’s it. You can pack your junk and get out.
Tobias: You’re kicking me out? At the beginning of pilot season?
Lindsay: You’re not going to make it as an actor and we’re not going to make it as a couple.
Narrator: With nowhere to go, Tobias went to the studio, where he’d occasionally worked as a security guard, and took up residence in the apartment of Detective Frank Wrench on the set of the television show: "Wrench".
Michael: I’m really sorry to hear that.
Michael: How’s Maeby taking it?
Lindsay: She’s really hard to read.
Michael: You haven’t told her yet.
Lindsay: Well, she was so excited the hot water in the shower was lasting longer. How can I have the heart to tell her it’s because her father moved out?
G.O.B.: Tobias moved out? Did he take the good video camera with him?
Michael: That’s really very touching, G.O.B. What do you need the camera for?
G.O.B.: I’m making a magic video. I’m going to tape myself doing tricks around the office. I’m calling it Tricks... let me finish... Around the Office. I figured out a way to make money while I’m working.
Michael: That is what we call working. Something you might want to try next time you’re at the office.
Michael: You’ve been missing things lately. I’m getting real tired of it. Incidentally, later on today, we’re having a big vote on that building renovation. I need you there to help me vote it in.
G.O.B.: Fine. I’ll vote at your stupid meeting as long as you give me the camera. I think we all know that George Michael was using it last.
Narrator: A fact the family discovered when they gathered to watch a home video.
George: Was that a 40th anniversary party? It didn’t cost us a thing.
Michael: Is that Qusay Hussein at the omelet bar?
George: Look at this. These guys move, they don’t get paid.
Narrator: It seems that as a 13-year-old, George Michael had been heavily influenced by the Star Wars films, and had endeavored to recreate his favorite moments.
George Michael: You’re not my father. You’re not half the man he is.
George: I spent $2.1 million of company money and end up with this?
George Michael: My hand! You cut of my hand!
G.O.B.: Worth every penny. Even you have to admit that that was the lamest thing ever put on tape.
Narrator: Not so. Buster had once videotaped himself recreating moments from his then favorite film, Chicago.
one year earlier...
Narrator: He also liked Star Wars.
Buster: (Imitating light saber buzzing.)
Michael: His self-esteem is low enough as it is, and I have no idea why. He’s such a great kid, you know. And everybody loves him. He’s George Michael. Truthfully, that’s why I’m not that crazy about that Ann, but he’ll move on.
G.O.B.: Unless he knocks her up like you did with his mother. Plus, she’s religious. That one gets pregnant, it stays pregnant. Believe me, I dated a chick like that once in high school. (Long pause.) No, I didn’t.
Michael: I’ve got to work on that boy’s self-esteem.
Narrator: Michael went to do so, only to hear Ann beating him to it.
Ann: George Michael, I want you to do it.
George Michael: But I don’t think I’m ready.
Ann: Of course you are.
George Michael: I’m going to lose it before I start.
Michael: Don’t start. Smoking. It’s a killer. That Sammy Davis, Jr. should still be performing. What’s going on?
George Michael: Ann thinks I should run for student body president.
Michael: That’s a great idea.
George Michael: I don’t have a chance. I mean, they only vote for the cool kids.
Ann: But everyone loves you.
Michael: You are George Michael! Who’s cooler than you? Plus, you would be following in your old man’s footsteps.
Ann: You were student body president?
Michael: Oh, it was close.
Ann: So you lost?
Michael: Who remembers?
Ann: I know I would remember.
George Michael: Ann, if my dad says that he won, then he won.
Michael: I didn’t say I won. I said I can’t remember. But now that we’re thinking about it, I seem to remember that the other guy won the actual title, although there were plenty in the school that wanted to overturn the decision. I said, “Let’s, do not... Let’s not put the school through that.” You know, I haven’t thought about that for years. Good memory.
Ann: Well, anyway, I’ll help you run your campaign and I’ll make your commercial for election day.
Michael: Well, that’s great. The important thing is to raise the old self-esteem and not to rush a physical relationship. Those are really the two important things.
Ann: Oh, no. We’re-We’re both waiting.
Ann: And then that first time, after waiting and waiting, it’s gonna be so awesome! Because it’s not gonna be my love and George Michael’s, but God’s love, as well. God, it’s gonna be incredible!
George Michael: All right, I’ll do it! I’m in.
George Michael: I’m pumped.
Narrator: As George Michael was on the path to higher self-esteem, Buster was losing what little he had.
Buster: Oh, God. I can’t put the aorta in with this thing.
Lucille: Oh, stop complaining. (Gasps.) Buster!
Buster: I’m sorry I’m an inconvenience to you, Mother. Oh, God!
Narrator: As Lupe felt sorry for Buster’s loss of a hand, Lindsay felt sorry for her loss of Lupe. Lindsay had cleaned one room and now had a garbage problem. And while looking for a spot to stash the refuse...
Narrator: ...she came upon an old friend.
Lindsay: I haven’t seen this in ages. Ebay!
Narrator: Unfortunately, it was a new friend to George
Narrator: And back at the office, Michael came to regret having given G.O.B. the video camera.
Michael: Well, I-I certainly appreciate your decision, uh, but if my brother was here, we could have voted this thing through.
G.O.B.: What’s this? A stuffy office meeting? Well, maybe it’s time for a little office magic.
Ron Michaelson: What’s “office magic?”
G.O.B.: Sometimes it’s as simple as turning 10:45 in the morning into... lunchtime!
Ron Michaelson: Why does lunch have to be so dull?
G.O.B.: Maybe you’d prefer some chicken instead.
G.O.B.: All right, let’s cut. Um, take five, everybody...
Michael: No, no, no, we’re-we’re not taking a five. Hey, is this guy with you?
G.O.B.: Yeah, he’s an actor, Ron Michaelson.
Michael: Well, you know, I-I thought he was an investor. He voted against me, which is the vote that I asked you to be here for, so, no, no. You know what? I don’t know why, but that’s it, okay? I don’t think I can work with you anymore.
G.O.B.: Well, you kind of have to, guy. I’m the president.
Michael: No, no. I’m the president.
G.O.B.: No, you lost the presidency, just like you did in high school when you refused to play dirty like Dad told you to. Worked when I ran.
Michael: I’m talking about the office here, okay? I do all the work; I’ve been helping you out, but that’s over now.
G.O.B.: I’m sorry to hear you say that, Michael, because it just cost you your job.
Michael: I’m serious. It’s over.
G.O.B.: How do you call security on this thing?
Michael: You hit pound-0-0 to operate the system...
G.O.B.: Yeah... Pound is tic-tac-toe, right?
Michael: Yeah, pound is this one here.
G.O.B.: I keep hitting that thing, then the other thing flashes.
Michael: You’re hitting pound and then 0-0.
G.O.B.: I know...
Michael: It’s really simple. Tell you what, you don’t need to learn how to use the system because you’re out of here.
G.O.B.: You’re fired. Have security send a man up.
G.O.B.: You’ve got the wrong guy!
Michael: Uh, no, you don’t, but, uh, you don’t have to do this.
Narrator: But the guard had recently lost half his tie to office magic.
Security Guard: Oh, I don’t mind.
G.O.B.: Get this. Are you getting this?
Gary: Cheat out. You have to cheat out a little. No.
Michael: Oh, hey.
Maeby: What was that all about?
Michael: Your Uncle G.O.B. doesn’t not-work here anymore. So I guess your mom told you about your dad moving out, huh?
Maeby: No. She did not tell me that.
Maeby: But she doesn’t tell me anything. Neither of them do.
Michael: I’m sorry. Guess I shouldn’t have said anything.
Maeby: Maybe I should just start keeping some secrets of my own.
Michael: Yeah. Why aren’t you in school right now?
Maeby: Marry me! I’m so sorry. I forgot who I was talking to.
Maeby: I was just using your copier to make some campaign posters.
Michael: Well, then, by all means. Let me help you.
Maeby: I mean, I don’t even know why I’m doing it. He’s gonna win by a landslide.
Michael: That’s what I was telling him.
Maeby: How do you know Steve Holt? Are you in AA?
Michael: I was talking about George Michael. He’s running for student body president.
Michael: Who’s Steve Holt?
Maeby: He’s just the hottest guy in school. And he’s won three years in a row. Every year after his first junior year.
Michael: So then, he’s more popular than George Michael?
Maeby: Well, that’s like comparing apples and some fruit nobody’s ever heard of.
Maeby: He might even finish after the Indian kid.
Michael: I guess I got to get down to the school and see if I can stop him from signing up, huh?
Maeby: Yes, you have to. And do you think you could put up a couple of these when you’re there? ’Cause I was really not in the mood to go down there.
Narrator: Michael went to take care of his son as Lucille discovered that hers was already being taken care of.
Buster: (Gasps.) Mother!
Lucille: And yet you’re too good to polish the candlesticks. You’re fired!
Buster: You can’t fire me. I’m your son. I’m firing you!
Lucille: I was firing Lupe.
Buster: Well, that makes more sense.
Narrator: Lindsay came upon Lupe, who had just been fired.
Lindsay: Can’t you at least come over and Dustbuster or something?
Lupe: I no does Buster anymore.
Lindsay: Fine. I’ll Dustbuster.
Cell phone ringing.
Lindsay: God! Hello?
Tobias: Hey, I can’t talk loudly. I’m in the bathroom of the Wrench set and they’ve started shooting. Also, I don’t think this is a real toilet. So I just wanted to check on Maeby and tell you that I haven’t landed a part yet, but despite what you may think, my talent shall win out.
Lindsay: Well, Maeby’s fine we’ve just been looking for a cleaning lady. So, if you hear of one...
Frank Wrench: You’re a dirty cop, so Frank Wright is going to clean you. Why is this door locked?
Assistant Director: Cut!
Frank Wrench: Someone using the set bathroom?
Tobias: I’ve got to go!
Narrator: And Michael arrived at school to talk his son out of running for office.
George Michael: It took me all day, but I got the ten signatures I needed. I’m running for student body president.
Michael: Listen, George Michael...
Ann: We’re going to use your idea, and really highlight being chaste.
Michael: No, I just meant that you two should... Uh, you’re not gonna put up this poster, are you?
Ann: I think it’s really really going to appeal to the Christian crowd.
George Michael: I couldn’t have done this without you guys. I’m going to win this thing.
Crowd: (Cheering.) Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!
Narrator: And G.O.B. showed up at his mother’s.
G.O.B.: Well, guess who’s been fired.
Lucille: Michael fired you?
G.O.B.: No, I fired him. But as a result, I’m no longer welcome in the office.
Lucille: What a coincidence.
Lucille: I just fired my housekeeper. But I’ve already found her replacement.
Lucille: It’s a robot.
Buster: I hate it. I miss Lupe.
Lucille: No, I won’t let you go down that road. I want you to be strong, and you don’t need the comfort of an immigrant in Mother’s old stirrup pants to make you feel that way.
Buster: Oh, you’re hungry. There you go.
Narrator: Lindsay was about to find a replacement for Lupe as well.
Lindsay: Who is it?
Tobias: (In a British accent.) The new housekeeper. The agency sent me over.
Lindsay: Uh, I’m sorry. I didn’t call any...
Tobias: Oh, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Phyllida Featherbottom, and I can cook and I can clean and I can take care of the little ones. I can also sing a song or two, if it comes in handy.
Tobias: (Singing.) / When you put a squirt of frosting down your throat / / Before we take our medications... /
Narrator: Tobias had gotten access to the studio’s wardrobe and makeup departments. He was eager to both see his daughter and prove to his wife that he had what it took to be an actor. It was the exact plot of the film Mrs. Doubtfire.
Tobias: (Singing.) / ...In the most delicious way... /
Narrator: There was also some Mary Poppins in there.
Lindsay: Let’s get this house cleaned up.
two hours later...
Michael: Hey, Lindsay, the place looks fantastic. What, did you pay somebody to do this?
Tobias: Oh, I’ve no need for payment. The love of a family is more than enough.
Lindsay: I’m sorry, this is Mrs. Featherbottom.
Tobias: From Blackstool. I’m charmed, I’m sure. Oh! Back to work.
Lindsay: I think he misses his daughter.
Michael: That’s convenient, considering you didn’t even have the courage to tell Maeby that he’d moved out of the house.
Lindsay: I’m sorry. I’m not the perfect parent, like you.
Michael: I’m not that perfect. I pushed George Michael into running for office and I think he’s going to get crushed by this kid Steve Holt.
Lindsay: Yeah, I’d vote for Steve. Well, too bad Dad’s on the lam. You could finally use some of his dirty tricks to get George Michael elected.
Narrator: As it happens, George Sr. had come to in the attic, and perhaps it was the effect of losing his one friend...
Narrator: ...or the lingering effects of the fumigation, or perhaps it really was divine intervention, but he’d had a profound realization. Unfortunately, the timing of the enlightenment wasn’t ideal for Michael.
Michael: That’s why I need your help, Pop.
George: Our Heavenly Father let his son die so that our sins could be absolved.
Michael: Great, so you’re a Christian now.
George: We all must seek forgiveness.
Michael: Well, I’ll call the warden for you. You can ask him yourself.
George: Well, I think that’s for... for fresh crimes. Besides, you’ve always tried to lead a clean life. You and G.O.B. were like those biblical brothers, Gallant and, um... Goofuth.
Narrator: Michael realized that he had lived like Gallant, and if he wanted some dirty tricks to help his son’s election, he would have to find Goofuth.
Michael: Been looking all over for you, pal.
G.O.B.: If you came to grovel for the job of president, you’re too late; my brother already fired me.
Michael: Listen, I’m really, really sorry I got upset with you. And, uh, I never meant to, um... I didn’t even mean to fire you, you know. I just got so frustrated, and G.O.B... you are my brother— of course I’m going to support you.
G.O.B.: Well... now I feel bad for firing you.
Michael: Listen, George Michael is running for student body president and I have a feeling he’s going to get slaughtered. The guy that he’s running against is basically a young you.
G.O.B.: Wow. Won’t be easy to win a race against myself. Of course, if anyone can do it, I can.
Michael: That’s right.
G.O.B.: I wish I was 15 years younger.
Michael: Now, he doesn’t need to beat him. He just needs to beat the Indian kid.
G.O.B.: And if I do this, you’ll rehire me?
Michael: Of course I will.
G.O.B.: See, the mere fact that you think you can says to me that I shouldn’t let you. Of course, we both need the work.
G.O.B.: Robot’ll get it.
Lucille: Where the hell is my maid? Robot!
Narrator: But the robot was busy elsewhere.
Buster: (Gasps.) Mother. What do you expect, Mother? I’m half-machine! I’m a monster! (Screaming.)
Narrator: Michael brought G.O.B. in to consult on his son’s campaign.
Michael: I think we should focus on the video and shy away from the virgin thing.
G.O.B.: Oh, we should definitely sacrifice the whole virgin thing.
G.O.B.: And I got the perfect way. We hand out rubbers that say, “We salute George Michael.”
Ann: We’re not even supposed to have outside help.
George Michael: And I don’t want to make Steve look bad.
Michael: Yeah, I just don’t want my son to be embarrassed up there, so let’s not play too dirty.
G.O.B.: Uh, good point, Two Percent.
Michael: 2%, huh? Is that how little I lost by?
G.O.B.: Lost by?
Michael: It was close.
G.O.B.: That’s all you got.
Michael: That’s not really important right now.
G.O.B.: Well, if your son wants more than 2%, he’s gonna have to go after Steve Holt, so I want you to tell me every awful rumor you’ve ever heard about this kid.
Ann: I can’t support this. And neither can the Christian kids that were going to make you president.
George Michael: She’s wh... Ann? I think she’s really upset about this.
G.O.B.: She’ll forgive you.
Michael: You’re George Michael!
Narrator: Meanwhile, downstairs, Maeby was meeting her new singing nanny.
Tobias: Now take your “fun-fun.”
Maeby: This is my mom’s. And it’s Phen-phen. And it’s been banned by the FDA.
Tobias: Oh, well, you should... (Singing.) / Always read the label / / You should always read it well / / In the most delicious way. /
Maeby: Mr. Fingerbottom?
Maeby: Right, missus.
Maeby: I should really get going.
Tobias: No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, sit back. What’s the rush? Please, I want to hear about you. Tell me about your family. I’m sure wherever your father is right now, she loves you very, very much.
Maeby: Not enough to be honest with me.
Narrator: And after a few days, G.O.B. was ready to unveil George Michael’s new message.
Rav Nadir: (On TV.) Drought, starvation... these are the things my family has had to deal with for generations, although, fortunately, not since we moved to Corona del Mar.
G.O.B.: (Yelling, in a disguised voice.) Go home, you terrorist!
Michael: How stupid do you have to be to say something like?
G.O.B.: (Yelling.) You’re not wanted here!
Michael: You got, uh, George Michael’s tape?
G.O.B.: Yeah, I gave it to the tech guy. Don’t worry. It’s very tastefully done.
G.O.B.: (Yelling.) Sure you didn’t make that video in a cave?!
Narrator: And soon it was time for Steve Holt to play his video, which had been produced by his new campaign manager, Ann Veal.
Steve Holt: (On TV.) Hi, I’m Steve Holt.
Steve Holt: Steve Holt!
G.O.B.: This kid’s popular? Looks like a chick I did once in high school.
G.O.B.: (Yelling.) Get a haircut!
Steve Holt: ...but recently I’ve been dealing with the fact that I’ve never known my father. But I finally found a new father. You’re probably wondering what these footsteps are. Well, this is my second take. It’s kind of like a second chance at making good.
G.O.B.: Yeah, okay. We need to pull the videotape.
George Michael: My tape?
G.O.B.: I’ve made a huge mistake.
Narrator: But it was too late to do anything about it.
G.O.B.: (On TV.) Steve Holt is a bastard. He doesn’t even know who his real father is. What else don’t we know about Steve Holt? George Michael Bluth is a cool guy. His dad is a powerful executive, working for this man. The girls like him just fine. Young and old, it doesn’t matter... in the dark.
George Michael: That’s why you had me do that?
Narrator: George Michael had never been more embarrassed...
Star Wars music plays.
Narrator: ...until this part.
G.O.B.: Uh-oh... I couldn’t find another tape.
G.O.B.: I liked Steve’s more.
Michael: I guess I underestimated the religious vote. So Steve won?
George Michael: No, Steve dropped out of the race. He says he wants to spend some time trying to find his real father. Rav Nadir, the Indian kid, he got 97% percent of the vote.
Michael: That leaves 3%. You did better than I did when I ran.S
George Michael: No, I tied with “Bart Simpson” and “School Sucks.”
Michael: I’m really sorry, buddy. Believe it or not, I only did this because I didn’t want you to feel bad about yourself.
Student #2: Hey, Star Dork!
Michael: Hey, he knows you now. I’m so sorry about that.
George Michael: It’s just a drag. I mean, I’m pretty sure my girlfriend’s gone forever. I never wanted to do this in the first place.
Ann: George Michael? Was that really you doing those light saber moves? You were incredible.
George Michael: I’ve only gotten better.
Michael: You’re still doing that?
Ann: So, you want to grab a curtain rod and go over to my place?
George Michael: Wow, I’d love that. Thanks, Ann. You really make me feel good about myself.
Michael: Got to do something about that kid’s self-esteem.
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development,
Lucille: Yoo-hoo! I’ll take you the rest of the way!
Narrator: Lucille finds a housekeeper that she won’t lose her son to...
Tobias: (Singing.) / You should always keep from crying / Even though your heart is... /
Narrator: ... And Steve Holt finally tracks down his real father.
Steve Holt: I’ve been wondering my whole life who he is. A scientist, a doctor, a senator...
Clerk #2: Well, we got some bad news.
Steve Holt: Wow. Is that what’s going to happen to my hair?