|Season Three, Episode Six|
Narrator: Michael was sharing some very important news with his parents.
Michael: I am getting married.
George: Who the hell to?
Michael: Who do you think? Rita.
Michael: Well, first of all, she needs a green card to stay in the country.
Lucille: There it is.
Michael: She needs a green card to stay in the country, because, secondly... we’re really crazy about each other.
Lucille: You hardly know her.
Michael: I know all the important stuff. She was in the Olympics. She’s sweet, she’s smart, she’s beautiful, she’s special.
Narrator: She was special.
Rita: Are houses terribly hard to make?
Michael: Actually, the hardest part is finding the land.
Narrator: But she wasn’t smart.
Rita: Instead of making houses, maybe you should make land.
Narrator: For Rita had only mentally progressed...
Rita: On the ocean.
Narrator: ...to the level of a first grader.
Rita: There’s no land on the ocean.
Narrator: Michael might have noticed her disability if it had not been masked by her English accent.
Michael: You’re brilliant.
Narrator: Yeah... She wasn’t.
Michael: I know she’s a really, really good person, and everything else is going to be little surprises along the way.
Narrator: With the exception of that one big one.
Michael: The wedding? Is in one month.
Lucille: A month?!
George: All right, now look, just because a woman gets pregnant doesn’t mean you have to marry her. Too many lives have been ruined because some cheap waitress at a HoJo said she used an IUD.
Lucille: It was Stuckey’s.
George: But I believed you.
Michael: She’s not pregnant— truthfully, we haven’t even slept together.
Lucille: This is funny!
Buster: He’s gay!
Lucille: Where’s your hand?
Buster: Oh. I’m having my high school ring put on it, and my hook is stuck in the staircar.
Buster: (Singing with song.) / Domo arigato, Mister Roboto... /
George: Do you think getting married will solve your sex problem?
Michael: No. And... we don’t have a problem. We just haven’t had the right opportunity yet.
Buster: Lindsay said Rita slept over last night.
Michael: Yes. But I gave her the bedroom because I didn’t want her to feel pressured.
Narrator: Actually, it was Michael who felt a little pressured.
Rita: And I like to keep the light on. That way I can see if you have a monster. Night-night. Can you shut the door on your way out?
Michael: I can’t believe you’re not supporting this.
George: Because it is obvious what she’s after.
Lucille: Our money.
Buster: Oh, God, our money!
Michael: Let’s just all relax, and remind ourselves that we don’t have any money.
Buster: She’s already gotten our money!
Michael: Let’s not forget she’s the one that gave us the idea for that ocean-top town called “Bluthton.”
George: Oh, big deal, I had that same basic idea years ago.
Michael: I thought you’d be happy, and I should have known better.
Lucille: Michael, be careful. People just see what they want to see. If she loved you, she’d show it.
Narrator: Michael was worried— his mother may have been making sense. So, he returned home to talk to Rita.
Tobias: Ah, here comes the bride.
Michael: Hey. What are you doing in a wheelchair?
Tobias: No, no, no, it’s a dolly to help videotape your nuptials.
Michael: I don’t think I need any footage of my nuptials.
Michael: Tobias, are you sure that this dolly isn’t related to your recent health problems?
Tobias: Okay, so my legs and my left arm occasionally “go to sleep,” and you want to call it a health problem. Oop! (Groans.)
Michael: Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Tobias: No, I can get up myself. (Straining.) Ah! Here we go. Let me get in the dolly. No, thank you, I don’t need your help.
Michael: It does seem like you’ve been having a whole lot of trouble since the hair transplants. Maybe you should see a boo-boo-man.
Tobias: A... “bubuman”?
Michael: Oh, uh, a doctor. It’s a British expression. Like they say “go-up box” instead of “elevator.”
Tobias: Oh, like when they say “poofter” to mean “tourist,” yes. Boy, that Rita’s a smarty.
Michael: True, but it’s not like anybody appreciates it. Mom and Dad do not like Rita.
Maeby: Are they crazy? She’s amazing. I saw her last night and she helped with this little project I was doing.
Narrator: Maeby was struggling with a screenplay in her secret life as a film executive.
Rita: Is that a story?
Maeby: Not yet. It doesn’t have an ending. He’s in L.A., she’s in Japan. How do I get these two characters together?
Rita: Maybe they could walk.
Maeby: Across the ocean?
Rita: If it’s not too deep.
Maeby: No, deep is good. People are going to say, “What the hell just happened? I better say I like it.” ’Cause nobody wants to seem stupid.
Rita: I like it.
Maeby: The Ocean Walker. Holy crap, that’s going to look good on a hat.
Narrator: And Michael caught up with his brother.
Michael: Pal, I need a favor. As you know, I’m getting married in about a month...
G.O.B.: Say no more.
Michael: Great. Are you sure that you know what...
G.O.B.: Yup, yup, yup. Got it.
Michael: Super. And-and, just so that we’re both clear...
G.O.B.: You want me to do a magic show at the wedding. I’m on it.
Michael: So glad we pushed through that. No magic.
G.O.B.: Why, because the one little screw up last time?
Michael Bluth wedding video 1989
Man: Put her out! Put her out!
Man #2: Tracy! Tracy! Roll, honey!
Woman: Thank God we already did the pictures.
G.O.B.: Which reminds me that Rita shouldn’t wear any hairspray at this thing.
Michael: I just want you to be my witness.
G.O.B.: Oh, you want me to... be your Best Man?
Michael: It’s just a signature I need. On the license. My son’s not old enough. It’s no big deal.
G.O.B.: I will not take this sacred duty lightly. I am going to get you the single healthiest call girl that this town has ever seen.
Michael: This is why I’m calling it a “Witness,” and not a “Best Man.” Look, all you have to do is watch.
G.O.B.: Oh, I’m not going to spend this kind of money and not watch.
G.O.B.: (Spanks Michael.)
Michael: This may have been a bad choice.
Michael: Hey, hello. Well, look at you two, Tweedle Dee, Tweedle Dum.
Narrator: Michael didn’t mean it in that way. How could he, he didn’t even know.
Lindsay: We had the best time! She’s got such an amazing fashion sense.
Michael: You guys have these jackets on inside out?
Rita: Yeah, that way you see the label.
Lindsay: Yeah, I mean, that’s what you’re paying for, right? It’s a great statement on fashion.
Rita: Plus, it doesn’t tickle your neck.
Narrator: Michael took Lindsay aside to share his concerns.
Michael: So, Lindsay, when did you first realize that you and Tobias had no chance at a physical relationship?
Lindsay: Oh, my God, do you think we have no chance at physical relationship?
Michael: Just now.
Michael: Um, see, Rita and I have not been physical yet, and... You don’t think that she’s doing this just for a green card, do you?
Lindsay: No. No, she’s not that kind of person. No, you just haven’t been alone with her. Ask her to stay over at a hotel with you tonight. She’s going to know what that means.
Michael: That is not a bad idea. Don’t... don’t do that.
Narrator: And G.O.B. began to prepare a magic trick for Michael’s wedding.
G.O.B.: King... takes his queen... and showers her with diamonds! Clubs. Club sauce. He covers her with club sauce. Right that’ll be my line if that happens.
Rita: Is that a magic trick? I love magic.
G.O.B.: I don’t appreciate the dry British humor.
Rita: Please do a magic trick for me.
G.O.B.: Well, I shouldn’t... I’d hate to be blamed for setting another one of Michael’s brides... on fire!
Rita: Oh, lighter fluid like Uncle Trevor uses! But wherever did it come from?
G.O.B.: Okay, I’ve got to get you into an illusion at the wedding. How long can you hold your breath?
Rita: Oh, long. One time, 20 minutes.
Narrator: Actually, her record was 20 seconds.
G.O.B.: You can stop it. Okay I’ll take your word for it. Now, I just need to find a trick that puts you out of oxygen for 20 minutes.
Michael: Sorry, did I hear the word “trick”? And it smells a lot like lighter fluid in here. You know, I did say no tricks, G.O.B., and I mean it.
G.O.B.: What if I find a trick that has her float to the alter or something?
Michael: No, no. Love for her to walk. And not to drown. Or fly through the air. Or catch on fire.
G.O.B.: Is she allergic to cat fur?
Michael: Oop— no tigers.
Michael: So, uh, Rita, um... I was wondering if maybe you and I might head down to a hotel. Maybe some alone time.
Rita: Oh, yes.
Rita: Maybe our rooms could touch.
Michael: Well, I-I-I was hoping maybe for more than just our rooms to touch. I was... thinking maybe we could be... in the same room. Be in the same bed.
Rita: Oh, I see what you mean, a real sleepover.
Michael: Well, maybe.
Rita: Well, maybe I should go home and get my things. I do kind of miss my jammies.
Michael: I think they’re going to have a lot of that stuff there.
Rita: And my tiny teddy.
Michael: Good. Yes, get that.
Narrator: And so George Michael drove Rita to Wee Britain.
Rita: It’s nice to be with some so young. We can listen to young people’s music for a change.
George Michael: Great, yeah, please.
Radio dial clicks on.
Man: (/ Hot potato, hot potato / /Hot po-ta-to... / /Hot “potat-o” /.)
Rita: /Hot potat-o, hot potat-o... /
Narrator: That’s when he first grew concerned. And Rita packed for the sleepover.
Trevor: Do you have any idea what a “sleepover” is? Cause it’s not just sleep.
Rita: I know what it is, Trevor, I’ve seen your secret magazine. I want to have grown-up fun. Spoon and figgy pudding. Rabbitown dum druggary’s hollow. And I want to have pop-pop.
Trevor: Well, the very fact that you call it that, tells me you’re not ready. Oh, and for your information, that’s a cricket magazine. Whether you like it or not, you’re still a child in many ways. I’ve got a problem with you having sexual relations with that man.
Narrator: So do I.
Trevor: I mean, it’s not your fault your parents were cousins, but... here we are. Now, I’ve been charged with taking care of you, and I’m bloody well going to do it!
Rita: Well, Michael will be my cousin soon enough, cause we’re getting married.
Trevor: Totally out of the question!
Rita: (Singsong) Married! Married! Married!
Trevor: All right, that does it. You’re not going anywhere. I’m putting the invisible locks on the door.
Rita: That’s not fair.
Trevor: Lock. Lock. Lock.
Rita: That’s not fair! It’s just not fair!
Trevor: Lock. Lock. I’ve got to find a new hiding place for that magazine.
Narrator: And Michael was waiting at the hotel.
Michael: Hey, Dad. Just wanted to let you know that I'm at a hotel with my wife-to-be. And we're very, very much in love.
George, Sr.: Put her on.
Narrator: Michael briefly considered faking the voice.
Michael: (falsetto) I...
Michael: She's in the shower.
George, Sr.: I'll wait.
Michael: Let's wait.
Michael: Don't you want me to just call you back or...
George, Sr.: No. I got nowhere to go. I'm under house arrest. Let's watch something together.
two "E! True Hollywood Stories" later...
George, Sr.: Wow. That Blossom grew up, huh? Say, how's that shower comin'?
Michael: All right, look, she's not in the shower.
George, Sr.: Really?
Michael: She said that she'd meet me at the hotel. I called you a little prematurely, but she is coming.
George, Sr.: Really?
the next morning...
George, Sr.: Uh! Hey, put Rita on.
Narrator: That's when Michael finally accepted that Rita wasn't coming... and that local calls were 2.95 a minute.
Michael: Come on!
Narrator: That's where they get you.
Narrator: Michael drove to Wee Britain to call off the wedding that he now realized was not based on love.
Rita: Who is it?
Michael: It's Michael, Rita. Can I come in?
Rita: I can't let you in.
Michael: You didn't show up last night. The least you can do is talk to me face-to-face.
Rita: I can't. Trevor locked the door. He doesn't want me to be with you.
Michael: What? He locked the door? You can't unlock this door?
Rita: I can't even see half the locks.
Michael: Rita? What?
Rita: They're invisible. Trevor's the only one who can see them.
Michael: I've got an idea. Go next to the window. I'm gonna climb up.
Rita: Be careful.
Michael: I will.
Narrator: And so Michael set about rescuing the beautiful, sweet, mentally challenged woman he'd fallen in love with... without realizing she was mentally challenged.
Rita: Yea, Michael! Yea!
Trevor: Who undid the locks?
Michael: Come on out.
Rita: Trevor's back.
Michael: Come on. Hop on.
Michael: Hop on.
Rita: Huh? Huh?
Rita: Oh! Oh! Whee! Oh!
Trevor: Hey! Stop that. Both of you come back!
Rita: You can’t stop us!
Michael: Nothing can stop us now. Nothing in the world of man nor beast, nor time is...
Applause and whistling.
Narrator: And so, reunited with Rita, Michael told his parents he’d be getting married tomorrow.
George: (On phone.) Well, God help her if she tries to rename Bluthton. I’ll sink it first. I swear, I’ll sink the whole damn thing.
George: (To Lucille.) They’re going through with it... tomorrow.
Knock at door.
Narrator: But that’s when George and Lucille had a surprise visitor.
Trevor: All right, where the hell is Rita? I’m her uncle.
Lucille: Let the hand-outs begin!
Trevor: There’s not gonna be any hand-outs, and she is not gonna marry your son.
George: You’re against this marriage, too?
Trevor: Well, of course I am. Rita’s not capable of making a decision like that. You are not gonna get Rita’s millions just because she’s mentally challenged.
Buster: Mentally challenged?
Lucille: Shh! It’s not polite.
Trevor: She owns all of Wee Britain. And also the Wee Britain in Cleveland. Of course, we’re probably gonna lose all that if her ridiculous idea for Sea Britain goes through.
George: We are not after her money.
Lucille: And I don’t think Michael even knows about her... condition.
Trevor: Yes, it’s funny how Americans don’t pick up on that. I think it’s ’cause of her accent and the plastic surgery she’s been able to afford. We wouldn’t have this trouble if they’d met last year. I got to put a stop to this. We’re gonna search every bloody hotel in town.
Lucille: Oh, Legoland. I think they said they were going to Legoland.
George: They did say Legoland.
Buster: I didn’t hear anything about Legoland.
Lucille: He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. We think he may be mentally challenged.
Trevor: All right then.
George: We have got 24 hours to get them married before Michael figures out what she really is.
Lucille: This the first time in two years you’ve sounded like George Bluth.
Narrator: Later at night, Michael was at the hotel with his bride to be.
Michael: Rita, I’ve been really looking forward to this.
Rita: Me, too. I want to have sexual relations.
Michael: Mere fact that you call it that tells me that you are ready.
Rita: That’s why I brought this.
Michael: (Laughs.) No.
Knock at door.
Michael: Why don’t you go ahead and whip out that tiny teddy, and then we’re gonna think up a fun safe word, okay? (Answers door.) George Michael. I did not know that you were... Um, go ahead and.. talk out here.
Michael: We just got back from the bumpaddle courts. Tomorrow, I’m teaching her baseball.
George Michael: Yeah. That may take a while.
George Michael: Well, listen, Dad, th-this is... hard for... This is hard for me to say this... I was videotaping Rita. Let’s just say it would be cute if it was someone much younger.
George Michael: I’m sorry. We really should get another tape.
George Michael: I mean, they’re not expensive.
George Michael: It’s the plastic fruit, dad.
Michael: It’s very convincing fruit, okay? Is she going back in for another?
Michael: Well, you know, they don’t even have bananas in England, okay, son? Now, I know this is hard for you, but it would be nice to be supported in some... Oh, no, she’s going into the grapes.
George Michael: Yeah, she really liked those. I’m sorry. I think she might be... retar... retarded. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.
Rita: Say hello to my tiny teddy. (Gasps.) Tiny Teddy! (Gasps.)
Narrator: And that’s when it dawned on Michael.
Michael: Oh, you teach kids, huh?
Rita: Oh, I like to think they teach me.
Rita: That way I can see if you have a monster.
Rita: Be careful.
Michael: I’ve made a huge mistake.
Narrator: Michael had just been shown that his fiancee might be mentally challenged, but he needed proof.
Rita: Are you ready for lie-down kisses with me?
Michael: Maybe we ought to just talk a little bit, you know? I mean, what the heck. For instance you’ve never told me how many houses there are in the British Parliament.
Michael: Are there?
Narrator: The answer’s three.
Michael: Does sound about right.
Narrator: Three is the correct answer.
Rita: Come on.
Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Rita: Let’s have our fun. Rita corny, Michael.
Narrator: So, Michael used a line that was just as corny.
Michael: You know, I think that we should wait until after we’re married.
Rita: / Married, married, married! / Okay, night-night.
Narrator: And Michael felt he deserved a $15 thing of candy beans. The next morning, however, as Michael prepared to let Rita down gently, he was met with another surprise.
Michael: What’s this?
Lucille: We’re throwing you a wedding.
Rita: Oh, how lovely!
Larry: On us. Everything you see.
George: Show them the waffle bar, Larry.
Larry: It’s over there.
G.O.B.: And check out banner, Michael! I’m gonna go set up.
Michael: Yeah, you know, I-I was just gonna talk to Rita about all of this. Rita, I think that we should, um, wait a little while.
Rita: Wait? Why? I don’t want to wait. I want to get married and have sexual relations like you promised.
Lucille: Where did you get this firecracker? I... love her, Michael.
Larry: So do I. I want to kiss my new daughter-in-law.
George: Hey, not on our time, Larry.
Larry: Right on the lips.
Michael: No, no, Dad, please take it easy.
Rita: I’m gonna go get my dress from the... From the room.
Lucille: Yes, I’ll help you put it on inside out!
Michael: Okay, let’s-let’s not all get, um... Hey, mom, what-what’s going on? I thought that you guys were against all this.
Lucille: Well we figured you know best, and who are we to interfere, and you love this girl, and the rest will just be little happy surprises along the way. Like you said.
Larry: Yeah, with the exception of the retard thing.
George: Oh, God.
Larry: Tell me you didn’t just say that.
Michael: You knew?
Michael: You knew, and yet, you still wanted me to go through with this?
Lucille: What can I say? I’m crazy about the little dullard.
Michael: Oh, my God. She’s rich. This is a new low, even for you, Mom.
Lucille: What is wrong with you?!
Larry: Larry go to a mirror!
George: You’re fired.
Larry: You’re fired. What?! It’s over. And this is how you tell me, in the middle of a wedding? You shouldn’t have said anything. You shouldn’t have said anything.
Michael: So, you were right. Now what am I gonna do?
George Michael: Well, I’ve been thinking. You know, I mean, every society has their own rules about this stuff. For instance, in some states, it’s legal to marry your own cousin. California’s blocked it twice, but that’s only because they tacked it onto an estate law thing that wasn’t gonna pass. We had the signatures...
Michael: You’re 16, and you know all that. She’s 30 and a half. She probably can’t list the seven Houses of Parliament.
George Michael: There’s three.
Michael: Now I got to break her heart.
George Michael: Well, doesn’t she have to leave the country if you don’t marry her?
Michael: Yeah, I guess I can keep my promise about that, huh? There wouldn’t be any real intimacy, and-and it would be the strongest marriage in the family, but, you know, as much as I’d like to, you can’t ignore the fact that she is mentally disabled.
Lindsay: Oh, my God. I’m wearing an inside out bridesmaid’s dress.
George Michael: You better catch her, Dad.
Michael: That’s not gonna be easy. She’s an Olympic Silver. Just figured that one out.
Maeby: Hey. Well, I’ll have to go stop production on The Ocean Walker.
Rita: You found out.
Michael: Took me long enough.
Rita: Maybe you’re not smart, either. I didn’t know until they told me.
Michael: No, I’m just a narcissist who was too self-involved to see the truth.
Rita: That makes no sense to me.
Michael: Yeah, maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself.
Michael: You know, the truth is, is that I did just see what I wanted to see, Rita. You’re so beautiful, and you’re so sweet. And you deserve to find somebody a lot more like you. I don’t think that either of us would be happy.
Rita: So, it’s bye-bye to Rita, then?
Michael: Unless you really want to stay in America.
Rita: I wanted to be with you.
Trevor: Oy, Rita! Time to go now. Back to England, love.
Rita: Oh, Michael, will you come visit me lots?
Michael: That’s gonna be difficult, Rita. You’re gonna be across an ocean.
Rita: Well, you can always walk.
Michael: Not on the water.
Rita: Oh, Michael, you’re such a grown-up.
Michael: Hey, hey! Hang on a sec. That’s part of your trick, right?
G.O.B.: No. That’s not my trick, Michael.
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development...
G.O.B.: It’s my illusion.
Narrator: ... Michael relives a wedding nightmare.
Buster: Oh, put him out, put him out!
Tobias: My hair, my beautiful hair!
Michael: Push him in the pool.
Tobias: Why am I not going under water? Dear God, why am I not going under water?