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|Season One, Episode Six|
Narrator: Michael Bluth was visiting his father in prison, anxious to get to the bottom of some mysterious bookkeeping.
Michael: It just doesn’t make any sense, Dad. I mean, where’d this money come from and why did it end up in the international accounts file?
Narrator: George, Sr. was also anxious, but less about the bookkeeping.
George, Sr.: This game is never gonna happen. Look at this—half of these guys, they’re still in their cuffs.
Michael: I hate to be a buzz kill, but I’m trying to get you out of here.
George, Sr.: Yeah, well, I’m trying to get us out of last place, Michael. We’re playing Rahway next week. Word has it that they’re getting Jose Canseco.
Michael: I’m starting to wonder why I even bother coming.
George, Sr.: That is ridiculous.
Michael: You won’t even talk to me.
George, Sr.: I’m catcher or I’m nothing.
Narrator: Frustrated by his father, Michael returned to work, where his assistant, Kitty, greeted him with some startling news.
Kitty: Your wife’s on line one.
Narrator: Michael’s wife had been dead for two years.
Michael: My what?
Narrator: Kitty realized her mistake.
Kitty: I said, “Your wife is on line one.”
Narrator: But not immediately.
Kitty: Oh, oh, God, I’m sorry. George’s wife. Your mother.
Kitty: I’m so used to being George’s assistant.
Narrator: Kitty had been George, Sr.’s fiercely loyal assistant for years. And Michael suspected that she had the information he needed.
Michael: Hey, Kitty. Listen, you wouldn’t know if we had any documentation on those international accounts, would you?
Kitty: That’s actually not any of your business... my business. That’s not any of my business.
Michael: (In phone.) Hey, Mom.
Lucille: Are you aware that we have been downgraded to being just pool members at the club now?
Michael: Yeah, it’s a real shame what’s going on with this family. You’re stuck by the pool and Dad’s getting picked last for softball.
Lucille: Nonetheless, Michael, you can free up a little company money to get back our golf privileges.
Michael: No, I can’t, Mom. You don’t even play golf.
Lucille: No, but I use the clubhouse dining room until I was turned away today. It’s embarrassing.
Lucille: Take it back. If I wanted something your thumb touched, I’d eat the inside of your ear.
Lucille: You should see the looks I’m getting. Fine, if you can’t free up the cash, have your father call the club president.
Michael: I’ve got news for you, Mom. I’m not visiting dad in jail anymore.
Michael: No, I’ve had it. I really have. You know, I’m down there every single day. I’m trying to do what I can to get this company back on track and he barely even acknowledges me.
Lucille: That is disgusting. Talk to your father. I will not stand for this.
Michael: G.O.B., can I, uh... get you to stop doing that?
G.O.B.: I’m just setting up an office. Got to write a strongly-worded letter to one Warden James Buck.
Narrator: In order to restore his career as an escape artist, G.O.B. had recently checked into prison as a publicity stunt.
Warden Buck: You think you can break out of my prison?
G.O.B.: You won’t even know I was here.
Narrator: But after a shiv to his side, G.O.B. was rushed to a local hospital, thus fulfilling, in G.O.B.’s mind, his contract with the public.
- End flashback
Narrator: And yet, the warden had refused to acknowledge the legitimacy of the escape.
G.O.B.: I’m going after this guy with everything I’ve got. Art. Now, we are writing a letter.
Kitty: G.O.B.? I wish I would have known you were coming. I am a mess.
G.O.B.: Don’t know if a call from me would’ve changed that.
Kitty: (Snorting laugh.) Do you like my outfit?
G.O.B.: Not as much as I like what’s underneath it.
G.O.B.: No, I need your chair. Get up. I’ve got a letter to write.
Kitty: Whew, you’re all business. Just like your dad.
G.O.B.: My God, she’s repulsive.
Narrator: Michael realized that Kitty’s obvious attraction to G.O.B. could perhaps be of use to him.
Michael: G.O.B.... how would you like a touch lamp?
Narrator: Meanwhile, Lindsay and Tobias prepared for their first session with a therapist.
Lindsay: Yes, Tobias, I want the marriage to work. I just don’t know if therapy is the answer.
Tobias: Oh, right. Because you didn’t respect my old career and you certainly don’t respect my new one.
Lindsay: You don’t have a new one.
Narrator: Things have been tense since Tobias left his psychiatry practice to pursue an acting career.
Lindsay: I have needs, you know.
Tobias: And how am I not addressing your needs?
Lindsay: How can you even ask that? What is this?
Tobias: Oh, go right to that. Good, go right there. Real mature. Really great.
Tobias: Okay, kids. Mommy and Daddy are going out for ice cream.
Maeby: Can we come?
Lindsay: Sorry, it’s not for kids.
Maeby: Well, now we have to follow them.
George Michael: Yeah. What? Okay... so why are we doing this?
Maeby: Cause it’s obvious they’re lying. Come on, drive!
George Michael: Well, what if they see us?
Maeby: How are they going to see us?
George Michael: Well, it says “Bluth Company” right on the side, plus it’s a stairway. That’s gonna catch the eye.
Narrator: The airport stairway vehicle was the last vestige of the Bluths’ former wealth.
Narrator: Also, that House Of Pies went out of business.
- End cutaway
Maeby: You are scared. I knew it.
George Michael: No, I’m not scared. It’s just that... I have plans later. I’m visiting Pop-Pop.
Maeby: You visit Pop-Pop?
Narrator: In fact, he’d been terrified of the very notion of prison since, as a young boy, he accidentally watched HBO’s Oz, mistaking it for the classic Judy Garland musical.
Man on Television: I’m an innocent man!
- End flashback
George Michael: Lots of times.
Maeby: What’s it like?
George Michael: Hey, you know what you should do? You should go get your Mom’s datebook. Yeah, she must have written down where they’re going.
Maeby: Oh, hey, I still want to hear about prison, okay?
George Michael: I hope you can handle it.
Narrator: Michael arrived home in a good mood.
Narrator: With G.O.B. getting the information from Kitty, he would no longer have to visit prison and deal with his father.
Michael: Hey, Buddy? I came home early. Wanna do something? Anything, anything at all.
George Michael: I want to visit Pop-Pop in prison.
Narrator: Back at the office, G.O.B. was making progress with Michael’s assistant.
Kitty: Here’s where we keep all of our heavyweight paper.
G.O.B.: I bet you can show me where a lot of things are.
Kitty: What kind of things are you looking for?
G.O.B.: What... what are you hiding?
Kitty: Nothing you can’t find.
G.O.B.: Wait a second... wait, wait, wait. Take off your glasses. Oh... wait, wait. Let down your hair. No, glasses on, hair back up. Let’s just get that hair right back up.
Kitty: Let me turn the lights off.
G.O.B.: Yes, yes, please.
Kitty: How’s that? Is that better?
G.O.B.: It just seems like there’s still light coming in from under the door.
Narrator: And Lindsay and Tobias were, for the first time, addressing their marital problems.
Lindsay: It’s like we’re face-to-face now. Like we’re really seeing this marriage and I’m afraid it’s a lie.
Tobias: (Slow clapping.) Bravo. See, if I gave a performance that good, I’d have my own Alias-type show.
Lindsay: Stop it. I am so sick of hearing about acting, acting, acting.
Dr. Gunty: Okay, okay, look—maybe we need a new approach. Um... let’s try some role-playing.
Tobias: (Clapping.) Yes! All right!
Narrator: Michael headed back to the prison, despite his earlier vow never to return.
George Michael: You always say, “family first.” I should see my grandpa, right?
Michael: Listen, I’m not stopping you, but just after this, I’m not going back out there.
George Michael: Why? Is it scary?
Michael: Scary? No. No, it’s the opposite of scary. It’s like a carnival. Without the half person on the skateboard that grabbed your knee to steady himself. It’s like a country club—all the guy does is eat ice cream and play softball all day.
Narrator: In fact, George, Sr.’s softball game had taken most of the day. It was the 14th inning and tensions were running a little high.
George, Sr.: I’ll give you a thousand bucks if you call the next one a strike. My knees are killing me. Okay, no batter.
Umpire/Guard: Strike three.
Batter: Strike three, my ass.
George, Sr.: Oh... No batter, no. No batter. Shh...
- End flashback
Michael: Okay, there he is. Now, go on in there and surprise him. I’m going to get us a few ice cream sandwiches. Go on... go on.
George Michael: Hey, Pop-Pop. How’s prison?
George, Sr.: I’m gonna die in here.
George Michael: What?
George, Sr.: They’re gonna kill Grandpa. I gotta... I gotta get out of here. I’m an innocent man. You’ve got to help Pop-Pop get out of here. Give me your hair. Give me your hair!
Guard: Hey, no touching! No touching.
George, Sr.: Give me the hair.
Michael: One of these got smushed, but don’t let that ruin prison for you.
George, Sr.: (Softly.) No batter... no batter. No batter...
Narrator: I’m sure your grandfather was just kidding around. You know that’s his sense of humor.
George Michael: I know, I know. Yeah. I don’t... I don’t totally get the hair joke, but I’m fine, Dad.
Michael: Are you sure?
George Michael: Yeah.
Michael: I am going to head back in though, okay? I’ll see if Pop-Pop’s got any more zingers. Why don’t you just stay out here and relax, pal, okay? Watch the softball game.
George Michael: Okay.
Michael: I’ll be right back.
Guard: Hey! Stop! Stop!
George Michael: Dad?
George, Sr.: I don’t like prison anymore.
Michael: That’s why I’m trying to get you out of here.
George, Sr.: I don’t know. Maybe I’ve been in denial, but this place is breaking me, Mikey. I’m alone here but for you.
Michael: Come on. You got me, you got Mom.
George, Sr.: Your mother’s never shown her face.
Michael: Whoa! She’s never been here? You should have heard the grief she gave me when I said I’d never show up again.
George, Sr.: You said... you said what?
Michael: Dad, come on. You don’t need me. You’re playing softball all the time.
George, Sr.: I do need you, Michael. No more softball.
Michael: This is nuts, you know? You’re her husband. The least she can do is come out and visit you, right?
George, Sr.: God, you know your mom. This isn’t her crowd. She’s very easily threatened. You remember the carjacker?
Michael: Well, she’s certainly toughened up since then. You know, she’s eating lunch by the pool now.
George, Sr.: Well, there’s a big difference between the country club pool and the conjugal trailer.
Michael: That’s not what I meant when I said visiting.
George, Sr.: That’s too bad, because I really miss that personal contact. It was the one thing that calmed me when I got stressed. It just felt humanizing.
Narrator: Michael, for the first time, saw his father as a vulnerable human being.
George, Sr.: Daddy horny, Michael. I haven’t had sex in a month.
Michael: You know, you’ve been here two months.
George, Sr.: It’s hard to gauge time.
Michael: Yeah. I’ll bet.
Michael: Hey, Mom, I went to go visit Dad today. Quick question: How long does it take you to get out there?
Lucille: Oh, I’ve never been.
Michael: Then why does he tell me that you’ve never been?
Lucille: (Belching.) Ooh! Sorry, Michael. Pool food. My system’s not used to curly fries.
Michael: How can you ignore that man? You know, he’s having a hard time in there. He’s lonely.
Lucille: That’s what his children are for.
Michael: Yeah? Well, you know, there are certain things that he can’t get from his children.
Lucille: If you’re going to say pride, Michael, you’re wrong. He is proud of his children.
Michael: I wasn’t going to say pride, Mom. Uh... listen. I... I... I think that... I think that you should... Oh, I can’t believe I’m going to say this. I think that you should visit him in an intimate... marital... trailer.
Lucille: Are you mad?
Michael: You think I’m comfortable asking you to do this? I mean, he needs you, Mom.
Lucille: Did he say that? Did he say that he misses me? Does he need his wife’s embrace?
George, Sr.: Daddy horny, Michael.
- End flashback
Michael: He said some wonderful things.
Lucille: You really want this for him, don’t you?
Michael: I do.
Lucille: Golf membership “want it”?
Narrator: Meanwhile, Lindsay and Tobias were getting to the heart of each other’s vulnerabilities with a role reversal exercise.
Tobias: Because I’m a woman...
Dr. Gunty: Good.
Tobias: ...with a woman’s needs..
Dr. Gunty: Louder.
Tobias: ...and a woman’s urges.
Dr. Gunty: Right.
Tobias: Please, Tobias. When was the last time you looked at these?
Lindsay: Yeah, okay. How long is this session?
Tobias: Okay, well, see, I don’t know what’s happening here. She’s breaking in and out of character.
Lindsay: I don’t want to be in a character.
Dr. Gunty: Okay, let me stop you guys, all right? Please, let me get in here.
Lindsay: Thank you.
Dr. Gunty: You’ve never been a real wife to me, Lindsay.
Tobias: That’s not true, and you know it! A man is looking back at you— a man with dreams and aspirations.
Narrator: Meanwhile, Maeby found an address in her mother’s appointment book, and was getting closer to learning what her parents were up to.
Tobias: ...David Schwimmer.
Dr. Gunty: What? If I’m no Schwimmer, you’re no Jennifer Aniston!
Tobias: sobbing : ...I’m not even... Face it.
Dr. Gunty: I have dreams, Lindsay. Dreams... Lindsay.
Tobias: Well, then, Tobias... follow those dreams. Make those dreams happen.
Dr. Gunty: Yes, I will.
Lindsay: And, scene.
Dr. Gunty: Oh! Wow!
Tobias: Okay. I’m sorry. I stepped on your line.
Dr. Gunty: No, not at all.
Dr. Gunty: Lindsay, I mean, did that answer some questions for you?
Lindsay: Yeah, yeah, it did, yeah. Now there are two men I want to leave.
Narrator: Michael arrived home, happy to have a brother to share his recent burden with.
G.O.B.: Great news.
Michael: Oh, good, buddy. I could use it. I just came from convincing Mom to have sex with Dad.
G.O.B.: What? God! What is wrong with you? That is disgusting!
Michael: What’s wrong with you?
G.O.B.: Oh, I’m sorry. It was just the thought of Mom and Dad together. I have a sense of propriety, all right?
Michael: Fine. What’s your great news?
G.O.B.: I [bleep]ed Kitty.
Michael: Oh, G.O.B.! I just wanted you to get the information.
G.O.B.: I got the information.
Michael: You did, huh? About the international accounts?
G.O.B.: Oh, I see what you’re getting at. No, I didn’t get any information.
Michael: That’s great. Good, good, good, G.O.B.. Well, you just lost the touch lamp.
G.O.B.: What? No, Mike! Come on!
Michael: No. The deal’s off. Forget it. I’m going to use the touch lamp to set the mood in the conjugal trailer when Dad’s nailing Mom.
G.O.B.: No! Don’t... Michael! You are filthy!
Narrator: The two cousins reunited, each a little shaken by what they had pretended to be fearless about.
George Michael: So you think they’ll get divorced?
Maeby: I don’t care. I’m not saying I don’t care like kids who say they don’t care when they really do care, ’cause I really don’t care.
George Michael: Right, I know. Who cares, right?
Maeby: I mean I care.
George Michael: How could you not?
Maeby: You know our families are really messed up.
George Michael: I know. We’re like the only normal ones.
Maeby: At least we got each other, right?
Maeby: George Michael?
George Michael: Sorry. Sometimes I just don’t know if it’s going to be a long hug or a short hug or like a middle or a medium hug. It’s hard to tell sometimes. Yeah. It was, it was good. That’s plenty for now. Okay, hug’s gotta end sometime. Obviously.
Narrator: Soon, Michael was driving Lucille to prison and she seemed to be looking forward to it.
Lucille: Where are we going after?
Michael: Hey, Dad.
George, Sr.: Michael. What are you doing here?
Michael: You needed my help an-and I know it’s hard for you to ask, so I took it upon myself to bring her.
George, Sr.: That doesn’t make you uncomfortable?
Michael: Well, yeah, the drive was a little awkward.
George, Sr.: Not every son would do this for his father. I... Thank you for this.
Lucille: Hello, George.
George, Sr.: What the hell is your mother doing in here?
Michael: What are you expecting?
George, Sr.: Oh, I’ve done a bad thing. I’ve done a terrible thing.
Michael: There’s someone else in that trailer— isn’t there?
George, Sr.: I’ve done a repulsive thing.
Michael: Wait, whoa. It’s Kitty?
George, Sr.: Shh!
Michael: How long? When did this start?
George, Sr.: Oh, come on. This is the first time. Every Friday for the last eight years. Michael, Daddy...
Michael: Horny. I got that.
George, Sr.: Oh, come on. Hey, wait a minute. This is easy. This is the easy one. No, I-I’ll go, I’ll go in there with Kitty. I’ll do, I’ll do my thing and then, then I’ll go and see your mother. This is a hard one.
Michael: She’s your secretary.
George, Sr.: See, you’re right. Family first. Take care of Kitty. Michael. I need you now.
Michael: International accounts need me?
Narrator: And so an agreement was made. George, Sr. would reveal the truth, and Michael would make sure Kitty didn’t come out of the trailer.
Michael: Hey, G.O.B., where are you? I need you to come to the prison.
G.O.B.: I’m at the prison.
Michael: You’re here?
G.O.B.: I’m delivering the strongly worded letter I wrote lit by nothing but natural light.
Michael: Well, how would you like that touch lamp and the office and, what the hell, full use of the secretary?
George, Sr.: Thank you for doing this. It means a... it means a lot. Okay, I’ll get down on the couch and...
Lucille: I’m not going to have sex with you, George. I came to tell you how much I hate you for what you’ve done to this family. You’ve ruined us.
George, Sr.: I’ve ruined us? You got a lot of nerve, honey. The millions you pissed away on clothing and jewelry and the spa treatments...
Lucille: Yes, to keep you interested in the only thing you ever appreciated—my body.
George, Sr.: Can I help it if you got a fantastic body?
Lucille: And you’re as powerful as a bear. My husband, the bear.
George, Sr.: Spare me some honey, wife.
Lucille: Oh, I’ve missed you.
Narrator: G.O.B., meanwhile, stalled to keep Kitty in the other trailer.
G.O.B.: Glasses off. Glasses on. Hair up. Glasses off. Down, on. Have we done up, off?
Kitty: Oh, G.O.B., this is so wrong.
G.O.B.: And bright. Wrong... and, and bright. Much better. Brighter. God, you know what? I’m gonna, uh, I’m just gonna wash up real quick.
Kitty: I think I’m gonna go with, with down and off.
Narrator: G.O.B. had to do the right thing. But as he headed to his car, he ran into the warden, who had just read his strongly worded letter.
Warden Buck: Well. If it isn’t Sincerely Yours.
Narrator: And so, G.O.B. was detained against the window of the trailer his parents were becoming intimate in.
G.O.B.: Oh, God, Mommy, what did you do?
Michael: Hey, buddy.
George Michael: Where were you?
Michael: I had to help out your grandfather and then I had to vow that I would never help your grandfather again. Pretty much a normal day for me. How are you doing?
George Michael: I’m fine, I guess. It’s just... You know, you think of prison as this place full of guilty people and it doesn’t bother you that much, but if Pop-Pop could be there, then anybody could be there, and I don’t want to go to prison, Dad. I don’t think I could take it. I mean, I know I act tough, but I...
Michael: Is this what you’re worried about? ’Cause, you know, I got news. He’s, uh... he’s guilty.
George Michael: He is?
Michael: Oh, yeah. Incredibly guilty.
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development... Tobias talks Lindsay into another session.
Dr. Gunty: And I decided that... I want to become an actor, too.
Narrator: And George, Sr. makes good on his promise to come clean on the international accounts.
George, Sr.: All right, there’s a good chance that I... that I may have committed some, uh... light... treason.